Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

Anonymous
I'm a rational person and I agree with them

We've had 4 elders pass. There are many ways to help, not always the way other's dictate.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I think what you require the sibling "to do" is not a necessity. If your elderly parent or grandma is still wanting to go to a beauty salon, she isn't helpless. Where are her friends? Why is she computer illiterate? There are lots of suggestions (order groceries online, go by uber etc) that work, but for some reason you want the sibling to do things your way. I can see why there are disagreements.


It's clear that sibling #1 is doing too much and sounds quite controlling. Sibling #3 is not obligated to do all these unnecessary things. Are you all suggesting somebody have dinner with parent every single night? That's way too much. She is a grown woman, who clearly has still has all her faculties. She can eat alone most nights. Sibling #1 is probably smothering her.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Nonsense. "Help care for your parents" is as unclear term as it gets. Making sure a parent has food to eat versus taking them to a beauty salon to get nails done is very different. If someone decides to make their lives all about an elderly parent for whatever reason, then it's up to them, but it's ridiculous to complain about siblings not helping in caretaking, when the "caretaking" is about taking the parent to a beauty salon, as the OP complains about.


Of course it’s unclear when you don’t care to find out what’s needed. Here’s some of what I’ve done for my dad. I live on the opposite coast. My brother lives 2 hours away and refuses to help, or even visit.

—Talk with doctors and specialists
—Order meal service
—Work with memory care pre-surgery
—Help coordinate coverage after surgery
—Attend surgery and take to ER in middle of night with complications
—Assist with contractors on making bathroom ADA accessible
—Talking with social worker to determine next steps
—Organize financial papers and make sure his wife knows how to pay all the bills, and make a budget
—Meeting w social worker to determine paperwork and next steps
—Submitting medical POA with all doctors
—Talking with my dad about his POLST decisions and placing around house
—Answer questions from caregivers
—Make a caregiver binder after he lost his longterm one, so he had 6 two months
—Pay for part of bathroom remodel and meals and any items he needs
—Advocate for him with surgeon and doctors
—Manage cat peeing all over house
—And, yes, made sure his caregiver took him to get a haircut.

This doesn’t even scratch the surface, because he can be home alone for up to 2-3 hour and hasn’t totally lost memory. So, so many people are doing 10x this.[/quote

First all all, you repeated the same things multiple times in that list. And some of those things are like 2-minute tasks. And many are your choice. Does your father or his wife even want you so overinvolved?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Nonsense. "Help care for your parents" is as unclear term as it gets. Making sure a parent has food to eat versus taking them to a beauty salon to get nails done is very different. If someone decides to make their lives all about an elderly parent for whatever reason, then it's up to them, but it's ridiculous to complain about siblings not helping in caretaking, when the "caretaking" is about taking the parent to a beauty salon, as the OP complains about.


Why is the salon hitting a nerve?

If your elderly mom no longer drives and is starting to decline, then she will need all kinds of help…particularly if the goal is to age in place…at least initially.

If the good siblings are stepping up to do the heavy lift and all that is left to do…or the only things that can be scheduled around the unhelpful sibling’s schedule are things like a trip to the salon (because even the elderly need a haircut every now and then), then why is that so problematic to you?

Doesn’t matter anyway.

The unhelpful sibling has made it clear they are too busy to do anything remotely helpful. They recently stopped by her home unannounced and empty handed. When a sibling gently suggested it would have been helpful to have a heads up because they could have picked up her medication at the pharmacy (which was on their way) and saved them a trip, they came back with, “Well I brought in the mail so that saved a trip.”

Needless to say, we are so done with our clueless sibling. It almost feels like a big F you to us at this point.

If you want to defend this behavior, go ahead. No rational person will agree with you.


You are so angry that nobody on here is agreeing with you. So instead of fighting back, why not take a step back, rationally, and reexamine your behavior? To me, it sounds like you and sibling #1 are laying groundwork for getting mom to disinherit sibling #3. You better be careful about how manipulative you're being.
Anonymous
So much of this is solved by having her in the appropriate setting. At residential there is a salon. She can make friends to eat with her. There is transport. You can hire extra support if there is money. You are enabling an insane situation.

There is no need to have so much drama. Your priority should be getting along, having stable marriages, being there for your children and then visiting mom. The world does not revolve around mommy. Let her have a life at this stage, make friends and manage whatever independence she can with the support of the place where she lives.
Anonymous
Every rational person will agree with me. You can read your response yourself: now it's a problem when the "unhelpful" sibling stops by to see their mom unannounced?! You and the other sibling are simply some control freaks. Nobody needs to make an agreement with you to see their mom. If pharmacy pickup is a problem, do it through Amazon delivery. You literally make up problems. Your sibling is allowed to see their mom without your approval.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Every rational person will agree with me. You can read your response yourself: now it's a problem when the "unhelpful" sibling stops by to see their mom unannounced?! You and the other sibling are simply some control freaks. Nobody needs to make an agreement with you to see their mom. If pharmacy pickup is a problem, do it through Amazon delivery. You literally make up problems. Your sibling is allowed to see their mom without your approval.


DP. Agreed. The sibling goes to see mom, and OP is still pissed because he didn’t do it her way. WTF.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:So much of this is solved by having her in the appropriate setting. At residential there is a salon. She can make friends to eat with her. There is transport. You can hire extra support if there is money. You are enabling an insane situation.

There is no need to have so much drama. Your priority should be getting along, having stable marriages, being there for your children and then visiting mom. The world does not revolve around mommy. Let her have a life at this stage, make friends and manage whatever independence she can with the support of the place where she lives.


This. And to be clear, the salon is hitting the nerve because it's not important. If the haircut is needed, you can schedule a home visit, mom can take an uber etc. There are other ways to problem solve instead of suggesting to your sibling she/he should cancel kids extracurriculars. If you insist on keeping your parent aging in place, then it's your choice.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every rational person will agree with me. You can read your response yourself: now it's a problem when the "unhelpful" sibling stops by to see their mom unannounced?! You and the other sibling are simply some control freaks. Nobody needs to make an agreement with you to see their mom. If pharmacy pickup is a problem, do it through Amazon delivery. You literally make up problems. Your sibling is allowed to see their mom without your approval.


DP. Agreed. The sibling goes to see mom, and OP is still pissed because he didn’t do it her way. WTF.


?

The unhelpful sibling who is local hasn’t visited in months and has consistently been too busy when we do the group text to see who can cover certain medical appointments, etc.

So when they pop over for a 20 minute visit so they can clear their conscience without bringing anything (groceries? Something new or different to eat?), the consensus is they strategically didn’t provide the courtesy heads up so we wouldn’t suggest they swing by and pick up the blood pressure meds to save another sibling the trip.

We have a group text that everyone else uses for this purpose.

“I’m visiting mom on Saturday, so I’ll bring her groceries. Is there anything special you think she needs before I call her for her list?”

That’s the prompt for helpful siblings who have recently been in her place suggest things like, “I noticed she was low on butter” or “I used the last light bulb for her bathroom.”

Sure, the kids who are caring for mom are the a-holes while the sibling who visits for 20 mins every few months is the good person.

Unhelpful siblings are the worst. We are over it. You know how to redeem yourself, but you just don’t want to do the caring thing.

If this strikes a nerve, then try doing something…anything…to help.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So much of this is solved by having her in the appropriate setting. At residential there is a salon. She can make friends to eat with her. There is transport. You can hire extra support if there is money. You are enabling an insane situation.

There is no need to have so much drama. Your priority should be getting along, having stable marriages, being there for your children and then visiting mom. The world does not revolve around mommy. Let her have a life at this stage, make friends and manage whatever independence she can with the support of the place where she lives.


This. And to be clear, the salon is hitting the nerve because it's not important. If the haircut is needed, you can schedule a home visit, mom can take an uber etc. There are other ways to problem solve instead of suggesting to your sibling she/he should cancel kids extracurriculars. If you insist on keeping your parent aging in place, then it's your choice.


We aren’t fancy folks with hairstylists on speed dial for home visits.

Mom can’t use Uber unassisted.

Even the busiest person can find a window of time over the course of a month to schedule a haircut when it’s convenient for them.

Just to be clear: the unhelpful sibling isn’t the busiest sibling.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think what you require the sibling "to do" is not a necessity. If your elderly parent or grandma is still wanting to go to a beauty salon, she isn't helpless. Where are her friends? Why is she computer illiterate? There are lots of suggestions (order groceries online, go by uber etc) that work, but for some reason you want the sibling to do things your way. I can see why there are disagreements.


It's clear that sibling #1 is doing too much and sounds quite controlling. Sibling #3 is not obligated to do all these unnecessary things. Are you all suggesting somebody have dinner with parent every single night? That's way too much. She is a grown woman, who clearly has still has all her faculties. She can eat alone most nights. Sibling #1 is probably smothering her.


Nobody has suggested someone eat dinner with mom every night.

We’ve suggested a million different ways the unhelpful one could do something that would be at least somewhat helpful.

If you are too busy to ever take responsibility for a medical appointment or haircut, then how about swinging by for dinner when your kids don’t have an activity? Better yet: bring the kids! Pick up McDonald’s for all I care. Just do something..:anything.

But it’s easier to just pop by for 20 mins once a quarter. I get it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every rational person will agree with me. You can read your response yourself: now it's a problem when the "unhelpful" sibling stops by to see their mom unannounced?! You and the other sibling are simply some control freaks. Nobody needs to make an agreement with you to see their mom. If pharmacy pickup is a problem, do it through Amazon delivery. You literally make up problems. Your sibling is allowed to see their mom without your approval.


DP. Agreed. The sibling goes to see mom, and OP is still pissed because he didn’t do it her way. WTF.


?

The unhelpful sibling who is local hasn’t visited in months and has consistently been too busy when we do the group text to see who can cover certain medical appointments, etc.

So when they pop over for a 20 minute visit so they can clear their conscience without bringing anything (groceries? Something new or different to eat?), the consensus is they strategically didn’t provide the courtesy heads up so we wouldn’t suggest they swing by and pick up the blood pressure meds to save another sibling the trip.

We have a group text that everyone else uses for this purpose.

“I’m visiting mom on Saturday, so I’ll bring her groceries. Is there anything special you think she needs before I call her for her list?”

That’s the prompt for helpful siblings who have recently been in her place suggest things like, “I noticed she was low on butter” or “I used the last light bulb for her bathroom.”

Sure, the kids who are caring for mom are the a-holes while the sibling who visits for 20 mins every few months is the good person.

Unhelpful siblings are the worst. We are over it. You know how to redeem yourself, but you just don’t want to do the caring thing.

If this strikes a nerve, then try doing something…anything…to help.


How does your mom feel about the u helpful sibling? Does that play into your emotions? Is your mom over it or just you and the helpful sibling(s)?

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think what you require the sibling "to do" is not a necessity. If your elderly parent or grandma is still wanting to go to a beauty salon, she isn't helpless. Where are her friends? Why is she computer illiterate? There are lots of suggestions (order groceries online, go by uber etc) that work, but for some reason you want the sibling to do things your way. I can see why there are disagreements.


It's clear that sibling #1 is doing too much and sounds quite controlling. Sibling #3 is not obligated to do all these unnecessary things. Are you all suggesting somebody have dinner with parent every single night? That's way too much. She is a grown woman, who clearly has still has all her faculties. She can eat alone most nights. Sibling #1 is probably smothering her.


Nobody has suggested someone eat dinner with mom every night.

We’ve suggested a million different ways the unhelpful one could do something that would be at least somewhat helpful.

If you are too busy to ever take responsibility for a medical appointment or haircut, then how about swinging by for dinner when your kids don’t have an activity? Better yet: bring the kids! Pick up McDonald’s for all I care. Just do something..:anything.

But it’s easier to just pop by for 20 mins once a quarter. I get it.


A daughter here. Let me guess: 2 daughters are helping and the son doesn’t.

Get used to it. He won’t change and you won’t get your mom to hate him for it. Classic. You need to let go of the anger. If it makes you feel better, his wife will likely be doing all this stuff for her parents and he’ll be picking up the slack with his kids.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think what you require the sibling "to do" is not a necessity. If your elderly parent or grandma is still wanting to go to a beauty salon, she isn't helpless. Where are her friends? Why is she computer illiterate? There are lots of suggestions (order groceries online, go by uber etc) that work, but for some reason you want the sibling to do things your way. I can see why there are disagreements.


It's clear that sibling #1 is doing too much and sounds quite controlling. Sibling #3 is not obligated to do all these unnecessary things. Are you all suggesting somebody have dinner with parent every single night? That's way too much. She is a grown woman, who clearly has still has all her faculties. She can eat alone most nights. Sibling #1 is probably smothering her.


Nobody has suggested someone eat dinner with mom every night.

We’ve suggested a million different ways the unhelpful one could do something that would be at least somewhat helpful.

If you are too busy to ever take responsibility for a medical appointment or haircut, then how about swinging by for dinner when your kids don’t have an activity? Better yet: bring the kids! Pick up McDonald’s for all I care. Just do something..:anything.

But it’s easier to just pop by for 20 mins once a quarter. I get it.


Didn’t you just say she doesn’t need help at dinner?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think what you require the sibling "to do" is not a necessity. If your elderly parent or grandma is still wanting to go to a beauty salon, she isn't helpless. Where are her friends? Why is she computer illiterate? There are lots of suggestions (order groceries online, go by uber etc) that work, but for some reason you want the sibling to do things your way. I can see why there are disagreements.


It's clear that sibling #1 is doing too much and sounds quite controlling. Sibling #3 is not obligated to do all these unnecessary things. Are you all suggesting somebody have dinner with parent every single night? That's way too much. She is a grown woman, who clearly has still has all her faculties. She can eat alone most nights. Sibling #1 is probably smothering her.


Nobody has suggested someone eat dinner with mom every night.

We’ve suggested a million different ways the unhelpful one could do something that would be at least somewhat helpful.

If you are too busy to ever take responsibility for a medical appointment or haircut, then how about swinging by for dinner when your kids don’t have an activity? Better yet: bring the kids! Pick up McDonald’s for all I care. Just do something..:anything.

But it’s easier to just pop by for 20 mins once a quarter. I get it.


A daughter here. Let me guess: 2 daughters are helping and the son doesn’t.

Get used to it. He won’t change and you won’t get your mom to hate him for it. Classic. You need to let go of the anger. If it makes you feel better, his wife will likely be doing all this stuff for her parents and he’ll be picking up the slack with his kids.


IME, when his wife does this stuff for her parents, he'll complain about how burdensome he finds it to keep things running at home. He'll ask why her siblings, especially her brother, can't do more.
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