I'm a rational person and I agree with them
We've had 4 elders pass. There are many ways to help, not always the way other's dictate. |
It's clear that sibling #1 is doing too much and sounds quite controlling. Sibling #3 is not obligated to do all these unnecessary things. Are you all suggesting somebody have dinner with parent every single night? That's way too much. She is a grown woman, who clearly has still has all her faculties. She can eat alone most nights. Sibling #1 is probably smothering her. |
|
You are so angry that nobody on here is agreeing with you. So instead of fighting back, why not take a step back, rationally, and reexamine your behavior? To me, it sounds like you and sibling #1 are laying groundwork for getting mom to disinherit sibling #3. You better be careful about how manipulative you're being. |
So much of this is solved by having her in the appropriate setting. At residential there is a salon. She can make friends to eat with her. There is transport. You can hire extra support if there is money. You are enabling an insane situation.
There is no need to have so much drama. Your priority should be getting along, having stable marriages, being there for your children and then visiting mom. The world does not revolve around mommy. Let her have a life at this stage, make friends and manage whatever independence she can with the support of the place where she lives. |
Every rational person will agree with me. You can read your response yourself: now it's a problem when the "unhelpful" sibling stops by to see their mom unannounced?! You and the other sibling are simply some control freaks. Nobody needs to make an agreement with you to see their mom. If pharmacy pickup is a problem, do it through Amazon delivery. You literally make up problems. Your sibling is allowed to see their mom without your approval. |
DP. Agreed. The sibling goes to see mom, and OP is still pissed because he didn’t do it her way. WTF. |
This. And to be clear, the salon is hitting the nerve because it's not important. If the haircut is needed, you can schedule a home visit, mom can take an uber etc. There are other ways to problem solve instead of suggesting to your sibling she/he should cancel kids extracurriculars. If you insist on keeping your parent aging in place, then it's your choice. |
? The unhelpful sibling who is local hasn’t visited in months and has consistently been too busy when we do the group text to see who can cover certain medical appointments, etc. So when they pop over for a 20 minute visit so they can clear their conscience without bringing anything (groceries? Something new or different to eat?), the consensus is they strategically didn’t provide the courtesy heads up so we wouldn’t suggest they swing by and pick up the blood pressure meds to save another sibling the trip. We have a group text that everyone else uses for this purpose. “I’m visiting mom on Saturday, so I’ll bring her groceries. Is there anything special you think she needs before I call her for her list?” That’s the prompt for helpful siblings who have recently been in her place suggest things like, “I noticed she was low on butter” or “I used the last light bulb for her bathroom.” Sure, the kids who are caring for mom are the a-holes while the sibling who visits for 20 mins every few months is the good person. Unhelpful siblings are the worst. We are over it. You know how to redeem yourself, but you just don’t want to do the caring thing. If this strikes a nerve, then try doing something…anything…to help. |
We aren’t fancy folks with hairstylists on speed dial for home visits. Mom can’t use Uber unassisted. Even the busiest person can find a window of time over the course of a month to schedule a haircut when it’s convenient for them. Just to be clear: the unhelpful sibling isn’t the busiest sibling. |
Nobody has suggested someone eat dinner with mom every night. We’ve suggested a million different ways the unhelpful one could do something that would be at least somewhat helpful. If you are too busy to ever take responsibility for a medical appointment or haircut, then how about swinging by for dinner when your kids don’t have an activity? Better yet: bring the kids! Pick up McDonald’s for all I care. Just do something..:anything. But it’s easier to just pop by for 20 mins once a quarter. I get it. |
How does your mom feel about the u helpful sibling? Does that play into your emotions? Is your mom over it or just you and the helpful sibling(s)? |
A daughter here. Let me guess: 2 daughters are helping and the son doesn’t. Get used to it. He won’t change and you won’t get your mom to hate him for it. Classic. You need to let go of the anger. If it makes you feel better, his wife will likely be doing all this stuff for her parents and he’ll be picking up the slack with his kids. |
Didn’t you just say she doesn’t need help at dinner? |
IME, when his wife does this stuff for her parents, he'll complain about how burdensome he finds it to keep things running at home. He'll ask why her siblings, especially her brother, can't do more. |