Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings.

Accept that your mom needs to have hired help or go into care. Your sibling is not able to fill in the gap, for whatever reason that is none of your business.

The estate should be split equally no matter what. If it is all used up taking care of grandma, fine.

You are acting like a martyr and blaming your sibling for not being one too. That isn’t how any of this works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings.

Accept that the care your mother needs is more than what you all (as a family) can provide. That it isn't fair to ask anyone (but especially children!) to sacrifice and miss out on normal life or else you will see to it that they "suffer." If you are in favor of "spending whatever it takes" then go ahead and do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings.

Accept that your mom needs to have hired help or go into care. Your sibling is not able to fill in the gap, for whatever reason that is none of your business.

The estate should be split equally no matter what. If it is all used up taking care of grandma, fine.

You are acting like a martyr and blaming your sibling for not being one too. That isn’t how any of this works.

Your assessment is rather extreme and doesn’t align with reality.

All the siblings with the exception of one are taking turns to help. Nobody is being a martyr because nobody has a 24/7 burden…precisely because it isn’t warranted (currently) and we are taking turns/splitting the burden.

Example: most siblings are taking turns when grandma needs a lift to the doctor or beauty parlor. One simply won’t step up to do it even once. If they did something/anything once a month, that might be just enough for the rest to not feel abandoned. They are basically local and it wouldn’t be a burden. They are simply choosing not to help.

I am really struck by a lot of the responses here.

Obviously nobody wants to be a burden. The reality is most elderly parents don’t realize when they start to decline and how much help they really need. You can’t flip a switch and dump people into a nursing home. It’s a process, and good people do their best to assess the situation, help out, and determine next steps when appropriate.

I just can’t wrap my head around how one sibling can shirk responsibility and watch the rest pitch in to help. It’s quite baffling…and upsetting. Even worse: constantly saying they can’t help when asked to do a simple thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings.

Accept that your mom needs to have hired help or go into care. Your sibling is not able to fill in the gap, for whatever reason that is none of your business.

The estate should be split equally no matter what. If it is all used up taking care of grandma, fine.

You are acting like a martyr and blaming your sibling for not being one too. That isn’t how any of this works.

Your assessment is rather extreme and doesn’t align with reality.

All the siblings with the exception of one are taking turns to help. Nobody is being a martyr because nobody has a 24/7 burden…precisely because it isn’t warranted (currently) and we are taking turns/splitting the burden.

Example: most siblings are taking turns when grandma needs a lift to the doctor or beauty parlor. One simply won’t step up to do it even once. If they did something/anything once a month, that might be just enough for the rest to not feel abandoned. They are basically local and it wouldn’t be a burden. They are simply choosing not to help.

I am really struck by a lot of the responses here.

Obviously nobody wants to be a burden. The reality is most elderly parents don’t realize when they start to decline and how much help they really need. You can’t flip a switch and dump people into a nursing home. It’s a process, and good people do their best to assess the situation, help out, and determine next steps when appropriate.

I just can’t wrap my head around how one sibling can shirk responsibility and watch the rest pitch in to help. It’s quite baffling…and upsetting. Even worse: constantly saying they can’t help when asked to do a simple thing.

You are relishing in the thought of your nieces and nephews "suffering" at the holidays and call me "extreme?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings.

Accept that your mom needs to have hired help or go into care. Your sibling is not able to fill in the gap, for whatever reason that is none of your business.

The estate should be split equally no matter what. If it is all used up taking care of grandma, fine.

You are acting like a martyr and blaming your sibling for not being one too. That isn’t how any of this works.

Your assessment is rather extreme and doesn’t align with reality.

All the siblings with the exception of one are taking turns to help. Nobody is being a martyr because nobody has a 24/7 burden…precisely because it isn’t warranted (currently) and we are taking turns/splitting the burden.

Example: most siblings are taking turns when grandma needs a lift to the doctor or beauty parlor. One simply won’t step up to do it even once. If they did something/anything once a month, that might be just enough for the rest to not feel abandoned. They are basically local and it wouldn’t be a burden. They are simply choosing not to help.

I am really struck by a lot of the responses here.

Obviously nobody wants to be a burden. The reality is most elderly parents don’t realize when they start to decline and how much help they really need. You can’t flip a switch and dump people into a nursing home. It’s a process, and good people do their best to assess the situation, help out, and determine next steps when appropriate.

I just can’t wrap my head around how one sibling can shirk responsibility and watch the rest pitch in to help. It’s quite baffling…and upsetting. Even worse: constantly saying they can’t help when asked to do a simple thing.

Based on your previous posts, there have to be at least 4 “helpful” siblings and also some teens who assist. If your elderly parents need 6 rotating caregivers, I don’t think it is extreme at all to suggest you need hired help.

Your family sounds wealthy, given your most helpful sibling has a vacation home that can host such a large group.

The non helpful sibling probably sees no need for such personal day to day contributions. They have a job with travel, kids, etc. it isn’t practical to think they can help much.

In such a large family, there are almost certainly dynamics at play that you haven’t quite revealed here (and maybe don’t understand yourself).

I would insist on everyone being invited at the holidays. They don’t have to come, but everyone should be invited for the grandparents’ sake.

[Anonymous]

Also, being asked to perform a specific thing is not going to work. A busy adult with a job and little kids does not have time to babysit grandma at the beauty parlor. An aide could easily do this kind of thing. Save the family help for important medical visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings.

Accept that your mom needs to have hired help or go into care. Your sibling is not able to fill in the gap, for whatever reason that is none of your business.

The estate should be split equally no matter what. If it is all used up taking care of grandma, fine.

You are acting like a martyr and blaming your sibling for not being one too. That isn’t how any of this works.

Your assessment is rather extreme and doesn’t align with reality.

All the siblings with the exception of one are taking turns to help. Nobody is being a martyr because nobody has a 24/7 burden…precisely because it isn’t warranted (currently) and we are taking turns/splitting the burden.

Example: most siblings are taking turns when grandma needs a lift to the doctor or beauty parlor. One simply won’t step up to do it even once. If they did something/anything once a month, that might be just enough for the rest to not feel abandoned. They are basically local and it wouldn’t be a burden. They are simply choosing not to help.

I am really struck by a lot of the responses here.

Obviously nobody wants to be a burden. The reality is most elderly parents don’t realize when they start to decline and how much help they really need. You can’t flip a switch and dump people into a nursing home. It’s a process, and good people do their best to assess the situation, help out, and determine next steps when appropriate.

I just can’t wrap my head around how one sibling can shirk responsibility and watch the rest pitch in to help. It’s quite baffling…and upsetting. Even worse: constantly saying they can’t help when asked to do a simple thing.

You are relishing in the thought of your nieces and nephews "suffering" at the holidays and call me "extreme?"

?

I’m trying to broker peace precisely so the cousins aren’t inadvertently impacted by their parents’ lack of help which results in them not being part of the typical family functions. I am trying to be the glue here, not the flamethrower.

I think the unhelpful one and their partner just assume everyone is fine with them not helping out for months at a time and then showing up for a family event or holiday with the expectation of being catered to. (Relatedly, they are the ones that just show up empty handed when everyone else calls the host to ask what they can bring/contribute. They similarly don’t recognize what it costs/entails to host a holiday for 30+ people.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, being asked to perform a specific thing is not going to work. A busy adult with a job and little kids does not have time to babysit grandma at the beauty parlor. An aide could easily do this kind of thing. Save the family help for important medical visits.

Whatever.

Here’s the thing: one can control when a medical or salon appointment is scheduled precisely so it works for their own schedule. It isn’t hard to help as long as you actually are willing to help.

How hard is it to grocery shop for grandma when you are already shopping for yourself? Hint: it’s not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings.

Accept that your mom needs to have hired help or go into care. Your sibling is not able to fill in the gap, for whatever reason that is none of your business.

The estate should be split equally no matter what. If it is all used up taking care of grandma, fine.

You are acting like a martyr and blaming your sibling for not being one too. That isn’t how any of this works.

Your assessment is rather extreme and doesn’t align with reality.

All the siblings with the exception of one are taking turns to help. Nobody is being a martyr because nobody has a 24/7 burden…precisely because it isn’t warranted (currently) and we are taking turns/splitting the burden.

Example: most siblings are taking turns when grandma needs a lift to the doctor or beauty parlor. One simply won’t step up to do it even once. If they did something/anything once a month, that might be just enough for the rest to not feel abandoned. They are basically local and it wouldn’t be a burden. They are simply choosing not to help.

I am really struck by a lot of the responses here.

Obviously nobody wants to be a burden. The reality is most elderly parents don’t realize when they start to decline and how much help they really need. You can’t flip a switch and dump people into a nursing home. It’s a process, and good people do their best to assess the situation, help out, and determine next steps when appropriate.

I just can’t wrap my head around how one sibling can shirk responsibility and watch the rest pitch in to help. It’s quite baffling…and upsetting. Even worse: constantly saying they can’t help when asked to do a simple thing.

Based on your previous posts, there have to be at least 4 “helpful” siblings and also some teens who assist. If your elderly parents need 6 rotating caregivers, I don’t think it is extreme at all to suggest you need hired help.

Your family sounds wealthy, given your most helpful sibling has a vacation home that can host such a large group.

The non helpful sibling probably sees no need for such personal day to day contributions. They have a job with travel, kids, etc. it isn’t practical to think they can help much.

In such a large family, there are almost certainly dynamics at play that you haven’t quite revealed here (and maybe don’t understand yourself).

I would insist on everyone being invited at the holidays. They don’t have to come, but everyone should be invited for the grandparents’ sake.

Since I don’t host, all I can do is ask the host to extend the invite. The reality is some siblings are so fed up and hurt that they just don’t want to be around the unhelpful one anymore. If most siblings end up planning a trip for winter break, then the unhelpful one won’t come. It’s a matter of not being able to travel given other holiday commitments with their in-laws. I sense this might be where things are heading, and that’s unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings.

Accept that your mom needs to have hired help or go into care. Your sibling is not able to fill in the gap, for whatever reason that is none of your business.

The estate should be split equally no matter what. If it is all used up taking care of grandma, fine.

You are acting like a martyr and blaming your sibling for not being one too. That isn’t how any of this works.

Your assessment is rather extreme and doesn’t align with reality.

All the siblings with the exception of one are taking turns to help. Nobody is being a martyr because nobody has a 24/7 burden…precisely because it isn’t warranted (currently) and we are taking turns/splitting the burden.

Example: most siblings are taking turns when grandma needs a lift to the doctor or beauty parlor. One simply won’t step up to do it even once. If they did something/anything once a month, that might be just enough for the rest to not feel abandoned. They are basically local and it wouldn’t be a burden. They are simply choosing not to help.

I am really struck by a lot of the responses here.

Obviously nobody wants to be a burden. The reality is most elderly parents don’t realize when they start to decline and how much help they really need. You can’t flip a switch and dump people into a nursing home. It’s a process, and good people do their best to assess the situation, help out, and determine next steps when appropriate.

I just can’t wrap my head around how one sibling can shirk responsibility and watch the rest pitch in to help. It’s quite baffling…and upsetting. Even worse: constantly saying they can’t help when asked to do a simple thing.

Based on your previous posts, there have to be at least 4 “helpful” siblings and also some teens who assist. If your elderly parents need 6 rotating caregivers, I don’t think it is extreme at all to suggest you need hired help.

Your family sounds wealthy, given your most helpful sibling has a vacation home that can host such a large group.

The non helpful sibling probably sees no need for such personal day to day contributions. They have a job with travel, kids, etc. it isn’t practical to think they can help much.

In such a large family, there are almost certainly dynamics at play that you haven’t quite revealed here (and maybe don’t understand yourself).

I would insist on everyone being invited at the holidays. They don’t have to come, but everyone should be invited for the grandparents’ sake.

This was my takeaway too. It's certainly possible that the unhelpful sibling is just a jerk. But is is equally if not more likely that there's more here than the Op is disclosing, or knows about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Who TF are you quoting? The original post asked about an "equitable/reasonable" division of labor, which is much different.

And expecting one parent take charge of the family life is known as "invisible labor" and is what has been done to women for years.

The invisible labor you take on when having a family is something you agree on as you get married and decide to have kids, which you don't agree to do on your own. You don't agree to caretake your spouse's parent because they didn't plan ahead and need to go to a beauty parlor. It's not exactly a surprise that we're mortal and die, so one needs to plan ahead, not do nothing and then act surprised that they need help. Your expectations are absurd. If your parent/grandma needs help to eat, you need hired help and needed it a while ago. Nobody is going to give up their kids extracurriculars to take grandma to a beauty parlor, whether you like it or not. What is worse than not planning ahead by your elderly parent are your and your siblings' expectations that everybody should stop living now. You're not a peacemaker. You're stirring the pot and are mad that not everybody is willing to get steamrolled over. I personally have tweens and haven't been to a beauty parlor for years and consider it irrelevant, I'd literally laugh at your demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, being asked to perform a specific thing is not going to work. A busy adult with a job and little kids does not have time to babysit grandma at the beauty parlor. An aide could easily do this kind of thing. Save the family help for important medical visits.

Whatever.

Here’s the thing: one can control when a medical or salon appointment is scheduled precisely so it works for their own schedule. It isn’t hard to help as long as you actually are willing to help.

How hard is it to grocery shop for grandma when you are already shopping for yourself? Hint: it’s not hard.

At these facilities, most have a salon or primary care.

You can have groceries delivered. There is no need to personally shop. I get mine delivered.

If grandma cannot do basic things for herself, then she should be in a nursing home not assisted living.

They can take uber to appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Who TF are you quoting? The original post asked about an "equitable/reasonable" division of labor, which is much different.

And expecting one parent take charge of the family life is known as "invisible labor" and is what has been done to women for years.

The invisible labor you take on when having a family is something you agree on as you get married and decide to have kids, which you don't agree to do on your own. You don't agree to caretake your spouse's parent because they didn't plan ahead and need to go to a beauty parlor. It's not exactly a surprise that we're mortal and die, so one needs to plan ahead, not do nothing and then act surprised that they need help. Your expectations are absurd. If your parent/grandma needs help to eat, you need hired help and needed it a while ago. Nobody is going to give up their kids extracurriculars to take grandma to a beauty parlor, whether you like it or not. What is worse than not planning ahead by your elderly parent are your and your siblings' expectations that everybody should stop living now. You're not a peacemaker. You're stirring the pot and are mad that not everybody is willing to get steamrolled over. I personally have tweens and haven't been to a beauty parlor for years and consider it irrelevant, I'd literally laugh at your demands.

If grandma needs help cooking, she needs to be at a facility with three meals a day. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, accept reality and accept that you are likely doing too much.

What does that mean?

I’m needlessly worried about my elderly parent who is declining and I’m helping too much in an effort to keep them safe?

Or, accept that I’m doing more than the unhelpful sibling and just pick up the slack?

I’m curious how anyone thinks it is fair for one sibling to abdicate all responsibility and let the rest of the family handle it. Even more curious how siblings feel when the estate is ultimately split equally even though one sibling never did anything to help.

To be clear: I don’t need or want the money. I’m in favor of spending whatever it takes to keep grandma healthy and safe. Interestingly, the unhelpful one has second guessed and even questioned certain financial decisions made by grandma and the other siblings.

Accept that your mom needs to have hired help or go into care. Your sibling is not able to fill in the gap, for whatever reason that is none of your business.

The estate should be split equally no matter what. If it is all used up taking care of grandma, fine.

You are acting like a martyr and blaming your sibling for not being one too. That isn’t how any of this works.

Your assessment is rather extreme and doesn’t align with reality.

All the siblings with the exception of one are taking turns to help. Nobody is being a martyr because nobody has a 24/7 burden…precisely because it isn’t warranted (currently) and we are taking turns/splitting the burden.

Example: most siblings are taking turns when grandma needs a lift to the doctor or beauty parlor. One simply won’t step up to do it even once. If they did something/anything once a month, that might be just enough for the rest to not feel abandoned. They are basically local and it wouldn’t be a burden. They are simply choosing not to help.

I am really struck by a lot of the responses here.

Obviously nobody wants to be a burden. The reality is most elderly parents don’t realize when they start to decline and how much help they really need. You can’t flip a switch and dump people into a nursing home. It’s a process, and good people do their best to assess the situation, help out, and determine next steps when appropriate.

I just can’t wrap my head around how one sibling can shirk responsibility and watch the rest pitch in to help. It’s quite baffling…and upsetting. Even worse: constantly saying they can’t help when asked to do a simple thing.

Based on your previous posts, there have to be at least 4 “helpful” siblings and also some teens who assist. If your elderly parents need 6 rotating caregivers, I don’t think it is extreme at all to suggest you need hired help.

Your family sounds wealthy, given your most helpful sibling has a vacation home that can host such a large group.

The non helpful sibling probably sees no need for such personal day to day contributions. They have a job with travel, kids, etc. it isn’t practical to think they can help much.

In such a large family, there are almost certainly dynamics at play that you haven’t quite revealed here (and maybe don’t understand yourself).

I would insist on everyone being invited at the holidays. They don’t have to come, but everyone should be invited for the grandparents’ sake.

Since I don’t host, all I can do is ask the host to extend the invite. The reality is some siblings are so fed up and hurt that they just don’t want to be around the unhelpful one anymore. If most siblings end up planning a trip for winter break, then the unhelpful one won’t come. It’s a matter of not being able to travel given other holiday commitments with their in-laws. I sense this might be where things are heading, and that’s unfortunate.

Somehow I don't think that sibling cares. I'm relieved when I'm not invited as otherwise I have to say no and there is drama. I don't want to be near people who are toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If grandma needs help cooking, she needs to be at a facility with three meals a day. Simple.

I totally agree. Which is why I said that the OP is not a peacemaker as she presents herself, but mad that the sibling sees the reality and they all don't, instead they come up with some absurd demands about taking grandma to a beauty parlor or a Tuesday night's dinner. Nobody with tweens has time for this nonsense.