Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I already said, I don't know your sibling's schedule, there is no law how often one has to visit. If he wanted to come more often, he would. I don't know for example if your mom helped him out with childrearing or anything at all and if he feels indebted. If he is a jerk as you say, I'm afraid that's on your mom's parenting. Again, as you say, I guess she didn't model caregiving behavior herself perhaps. But I agree, thanks to medical advancement, the elderly live long and therefore once they're not independent any more, they should not be living alone. So you need to figure out the next steps. Whether it's having her live with one of you or hire help. You'll not avoid throwing money at it once one is helpless to such extent that they are unable to do basic daily tasks, unless you intend to give up your own life. Perhaps your sibling has figured this all out, because you sure haven't, and that's all there is to it.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.

Yes, everyone has talked with the unhelpful sibling—as a group, and individually.

Nobody stepped in too early/when help wasn’t needed.

The most helpful sibling isn’t controlling or doing anything that isn’t necessary.

I guess we are just stumped as to how the unhelpful sibling can justify leaving the work to the rest of us. I’m trying to get them involved and to realize they might be cut out from the family. At some point I won’t be able to fix things for the unhelpful one. I’m sad that the kids/cousins will be impacted by this.

If you don’t want to do the work, then don’t. No one is forcing you to. Threatening to “cut them from the family” just makes you a bunch of bullies.

This is really impossible to do unless you are completely heartless. I am the closest sibling and when I get called by the assisted living our mother called and is in the ER it’s tough to ignore. It’s also tough to ignore when the old person can’t see because they broke their glasses and need to go to the optometrist, they need to update hearing aids, pharmacy calls about medication, when it’s their birthday and they want you to visit,, etc.

One sibling does nothing. He lives an hour plane ride away and has not visited once in 4 years. He doesn’t bring his tween aged kids to visit either. He doesn’t help out in any way. He has the money to fly in the morning rent a car visit his mother and fly home that night. I am so resentful that I no longer wish to have any relationship with him, his wife or kids. It is completely unfair that I got stuck with our mother when I was never close to her. He used to tell her she could live with him. She has Alzheimer’s and now his kids will never know their grandmother. Meanwhile my teens and husband pick up the slack.

So what are you talking about that people like me are bullies? People who let a sibling do all the work are the selfish a-holes.

He lives an hour by plane and has a wife and kids. It is unreasonable to expect him to do all this "drop everything and go" attending to your mother that you CHOOSE to do.
Yes, you are a bully. You are resentful and now you bully your husband and kids into "picking up the slack." This is on you.

Interested what you chose to put in bold. The poster isn't asking her brother to drop everything at a moment's notice. She's asking him to find one day in four years when he could visit. He hasn't bothered, despite his big talk years ago. So yeah, he's a glass bowl, and the poster isn't a bully for noticing.

To the original question: the sibling who does everything is under no obligation to the sibling who does nothing, but overcontributing sibling isn't doing all that work for the sibling's benefit -- she's doing it for their parents. So if the parents want idle kid at Christmas, Do Everything needs to include them to some degree, but not in a way that makes more work for her. "We're having Christmas at Rehoboth, but we won't be able to put you up. Hotels and rentals should be pretty cheap, and I know Mom and Dad would love to have us all togethe for the holidays."

As the intermediary, your energy is best spent emotionally supporting the workhorse sibling in her (his) frustration with your other sibling and advising her (him) to think about her boundaries and why she’s helping your parents.

Her boundaries to not include your unhelpful sibling are perfectly justified. Don’t try to convince her otherwise.

Yes, it would be nice if she mentioned the event but didn’t offer to host sibling and their family. But she might be so frustrated that just seeing your sibling will ruin the event for her.

People can justify anything. My brother can justify why he didn’t come down to see my father when he was dying (and had his wife ask our little sister if it was “worth” it for him to come down) or even visit him at all in the last year of his life as dementia took over, which was all my mom wanted.

I’ve worked on my “boundaries” which mean I support my mom and sister, have cut out my brother, and cultivate non-biological family-like relationships for my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I already said, I don't know your sibling's schedule, there is no law how often one has to visit. If he wanted to come more often, he would. I don't know for example if your mom helped him out with childrearing or anything at all and if he feels indebted. If he is a jerk as you say, I'm afraid that's on your mom's parenting. Again, as you say, I guess she didn't model caregiving behavior herself perhaps. But I agree, thanks to medical advancement, the elderly live long and therefore once they're not independent any more, they should not be living alone. So you need to figure out the next steps. Whether it's having her live with one of you or hire help. You'll not avoid throwing money at it once one is helpless to such extent that they are unable to do basic daily tasks, unless you intend to give up your own life. Perhaps your sibling has figured this all out, because you sure haven't, and that's all there is to it.

Wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. Just wow.

Yep. I cannot stand this:
"I’m so glad I’m not a jerk. I’m so glad at least most of my siblings are helpful. I’m so glad I’m modeling decent caregiving behavior for my own kids (who enjoy visiting their grandmother)."
Your mom is (1) unable to leave her house independently (needs help getting groceries, getting to a doctor, hair salon) (2) has cognitive decline (is forgetful) (3) needs someone to watch if she eats properly. These are just a few issues that you said your mom has. Not sure what are you waiting for, for her to set her house on fire?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. Just wow.

Yep. I cannot stand this:
"I’m so glad I’m not a jerk. I’m so glad at least most of my siblings are helpful. I’m so glad I’m modeling decent caregiving behavior for my own kids (who enjoy visiting their grandmother)."
Your mom is (1) unable to leave her house independently (needs help getting groceries, getting to a doctor, hair salon) (2) has cognitive decline (is forgetful) (3) needs someone to watch if she eats properly. These are just a few issues that you said your mom has. Not sure what are you waiting for, for her to set her house on fire?

OP never said that, did she? She said she does help, and she'd like someone else to help too, not that she is going to stop helping. Between you and the "jerk" poster saying it's op's mom fault for raising a shitty son, op's not getting a lot of compassion.

[Anonymous]

OP said that: "I’m so glad I’m not a jerk. I’m so glad at least most of my siblings are helpful. I’m so glad I’m modeling decent caregiving behavior for my own kids (who enjoy visiting their grandmother)." So if she's modeling how not to be a jerk, how did her brother become a jerk? OP is not getting a lot of compassion because she wants to control how the care of her mother should look like. Her brother cannot come and see mom without "bringing something", and the audacity, unannounced! In reality it seems her mom has too many issues to even be living on her own, meaning she is at the point of needing too much "help" for anyone who is not retired and has kids at home. So for example if your sibling would insist you do your mom's heart operation, would you do it? Of course not. OP's mom doesn't remember who visited when or to eat, and cannot leave the house independently, does it sound like she should be living alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every rational person will agree with me. You can read your response yourself: now it's a problem when the "unhelpful" sibling stops by to see their mom unannounced?! You and the other sibling are simply some control freaks. Nobody needs to make an agreement with you to see their mom. If pharmacy pickup is a problem, do it through Amazon delivery. You literally make up problems. Your sibling is allowed to see their mom without your approval.

+1 OP I mean this gently, but stop creating problems. You're making arbitrary and unnecessary demands then blaming your sibling when he doesn't do as you demand.

He IS doing "something, anything . . . " He's visiting your mom. There's no need to add the extra layers of going to the grocery store or pharmacy when you can easily eliminate these trips with delivery. You keep insisting that these trips must be done to check on your mom. We're trying to tell you that it's possible to check on your mom without adding unnecessary errands beforehand.

You're in full blown martyr mode and trying to cast yourself as the peacemaker when you're not. I say this as one of two sisters helping our mom while our two brothers interfere and cause chaos and drama. I would love it if they stayed out of it (while keeping their occasional visits and calls to our mom) and let us peacefully get the care that our mom needs.

Many of us are telling you from experience that if it's too much work for two of you to manage, then you need to outsource it. Look at what truly has to be done by family vs. what you can outsource. Grocery and pharmacy delivery are obvious options. Stop creating busy work or you'll burn out and further the family rifts.