Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

[Anonymous]

Any tips for determining a reasonable division of labor when it comes to assisting elderly parents?

What about when only one sibling is nearby?

What about when all siblings are relatively nearby but one never/rarely steps up? How do you preserve good relationships when one sibling never helps or only does the bare minimum when asked? Honestly, I am trying to broker peace among siblings—one is doing the heavy lifting, the other only helps occasionally despite being asked to do more. Long story short: the helpful sibling is ready to cut the unhelpful sibling out completely in terms of no longer wanting to celebrate holidays together, etc. I’m trying to broker peace for the sake of the grandkids/cousins, but it’s hard given how selfish the one sibling has been.

[Anonymous]

You can't force a sibling to do anything. If the sibling that is doing most of the work wants to stop doing so much (or stop doing anything at all) that's their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any tips for determining a reasonable division of labor when it comes to assisting elderly parents?

What about when only one sibling is nearby?

What about when all siblings are relatively nearby but one never/rarely steps up? How do you preserve good relationships when one sibling never helps or only does the bare minimum when asked? Honestly, I am trying to broker peace among siblings—one is doing the heavy lifting, the other only helps occasionally despite being asked to do more. Long story short: the helpful sibling is ready to cut the unhelpful sibling out completely in terms of no longer wanting to celebrate holidays together, etc. I’m trying to broker peace for the sake of the grandkids/cousins, but it’s hard given how selfish the one sibling has been.

Why aren't they stepping up? I planned to take care of my parents and my sibling went behind my back and got POA and executor. When one parent died, they did a money grab, gave all the stuff away and I got nothing. The other parent fully supported them. They were clear they'd do the same with the other parent and make sure I got nothing. So, yup, they can do 100% of everything which means that parent will be neglected and not cared for. The parent knows, it's on them for treating me like they did.

For my MIL, I took care of her for years till she died. My husband's sibling did nothing. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

This is such a terrible problem in families. It's easy to say, 'Caregiving is a choice.' But what if the consequence of that choice is elder neglect? Not much of a choice. We had went through it and it was so hard. So much heaped upon us with no recognition, as the siblings who were not helping didn't want to acknowledge their actions. We were so tired by the end that I wasn't sure we would survive. It made working difficult, affected our jobs. I still don't want to be around those siblings and have no regrets about it. They showed who they really are. Sad but true. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a terrible problem in families. It's easy to say, 'Caregiving is a choice.' But what if the consequence of that choice is elder neglect? Not much of a choice. We had went through it and it was so hard. So much heaped upon us with no recognition, as the siblings who were not helping didn't want to acknowledge their actions. We were so tired by the end that I wasn't sure we would survive. It made working difficult, affected our jobs. I still don't want to be around those siblings and have no regrets about it. They showed who they really are. Sad but true. Life is too short.

That's why people should have a plan for their care when their age, and not depend on their children taking care of them.
Also, like pp posted, often the elderly parents have favored a specific child all along, and the scapegoat kid(s) feel no need to rush in and do all the work now, so that the favored child can reap all the reward in the end.

[Anonymous]

Is Helper Sibling suggesting that Bare Minimum Sibling not be invited to family holidays at which the parents will be present? Because that's taking it out on the parents, which is no good. But if it's just a question of not including Bare Minimum Sibling in events that don't include the parents, then yes. Don't make an effort to include someone who makes so little effort themself.

[Anonymous]

You can’t control them.
“I’m not doing more than X of the elder care.”
and
“I don’t want to do holidays with you any more.”

Are both allowed positions.

[Anonymous]

So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

[Anonymous]

All people do not agree - that something needs to be done. Whatever it is. Do not assume. Afterall, there are some elders who have no one.

Separate from that thought ~ there were 4 of us and each of us helped in different ways. One stopped by daily. One didn't, though they could have but drove right by. But they were essential in being "the heavy" when it was needed. They were less emotional and could weather the parents being mad at them. I have so many examples of vast differences. Different efforts but not unequal. Op, we need your examples to be at all helpful.

[Anonymous]

I think the most common thing is that one sibling does 95% and the other does 5%, under duress.

That’s what I have observed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All people do not agree - that something needs to be done. Whatever it is. Do not assume. Afterall, there are some elders who have no one.

Separate from that thought ~ there were 4 of us and each of us helped in different ways. One stopped by daily. One didn't, though they could have but drove right by. But they were essential in being "the heavy" when it was needed. They were less emotional and could weather the parents being mad at them. I have so many examples of vast differences. Different efforts but not unequal. Op, we need your examples to be at all helpful.

Similar experience in my family. Siblings had a frank conversation and then an ongoing understanding that we would all do what we could with the "resources" we had. Resources can be time (running errands), money (pay for care from a distance), expertise (a nurse/doctor/whatever who can make informed decisions about care or navigate various systems, or emotional (be the one to make the tough choices with a clear mind).

No one person in our family could do all those things. It was so hard but it worked well considering the circumstances. All members of the support team need to communicate and agree to give each other grace.

[Anonymous]

We don't know Op's situation but sometimes in Assisted Living family members do a lot. A routine of helping gets established. Family does a lot of the work that AL staff is there to do. Though some siblings think what they do is essential. Some siblings don't think it is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?