Reply to Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine.  I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate.  I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him.  I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.  
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it.  Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be. 
[/quote]

Op here...has this helped anything?[/quote]

Do I feel more emotionally connected and have the marriage I wanted?  No.  Did we stop fighting and create a more stable home for our kids?  Yes.  Do I feel like my actions align better with my values?  For me, yes.  [/quote]

I guess what everyone is probably wondering is whether your husband’s behavior changed in response to your efforts.  He is getting more blowjobs after all.[/quote]

It’s changed a little.  He is less outwardly angry, and he does more housework.  Mostly because I’m more direct about asking for what I want/need instead of expecting him to just do it. 
You can’t really change someone who doesn’t want to change.  And you can’t make someone love you.  
All you can do is decide if you are going to remain married or divorce.  For me, it made sense to stay married.  And if I am going to be married, I am going to be proud of who I am, and, for me, that means being a good wife and mother.  [/quote]

and there is zero way I, personally, can even touch my DH after alllllll the bullsh*t he has pulled. it would not make me proud to give him blowjobs, wtf.

I think women entering into a plan of “staying for the kids” have an illusion of control. It can be extremely emotionally taxing to live 24/7 in a bad relationship, and it’s not possible to avoid all conflict. Mental and physical health can spiral downwards, conflict can increase, people can have affairs. Then instead of a divorce when two people can still deal somewhat with each other, you have a high-conflict divorce between two people who have exhausted their mental and physical resources. That is NOT good for kids. [/quote]

If "staying" gets to the point where mentally/physically you are spiraling so downwards it's time to jump ship to save yourself. Better to have an intact parent in a separate household than one who is more or less dead inside in the same household. Kids can see all of that too...[/quote]

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