Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

[Anonymous]

Your husband's response sounds like contempt. It's one of the 4 horsemen I remember from relationship counseling. DH and I went through a patch when kids were little and we were both burned out working and parenting FT, and there was a lot of contempt, among other things.

I can't remember how to respond to it, but your DH has to acknowledge it and be open to change. We bought one of the Gottman books and worked through it. Here's more info

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Not seeing the forest for the trees, PP. Not seeing the bigger picture because you're thinking this is really just about two plates, one text, and this one time he was an a-hole about an infinitesimally minor thing. This surely, surely is not the only time he's acted in this childish, petty way, and OP clearly walks on eggshells around him. That is the real issue. Not "letting small issues slide."

She has a choice in that matter how to respond. see above where someone else would have said FU. That's why it's called codependency. You are clearly projecting some of your own issues onto this. We don't know these people at all. OP's written one text and honestly is probably a troll like the rest and then will go post on reddit how the DCUM ladies even flip out over a text. This guy sent at text. That's it. There wasn't even a real interaction. OP reads into the text probably more than there was.

Either way, no one should divorce with a young child over this without putting in more work. Don't get married if you can't agree to try to work out a disagreement like this.

Finally, a mature woman. Marriage is like a book, you don't throw away the book just because you don't like one word/one line in that book. Yes, his text was terrible but you can't get the full context based on one text.

[Anonymous]

I would be on my 7 year old. By that age, they should have that skill and sticking a parent with it would be a no-go in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask my husband why he perceives an oversight while you were rushing out the house to be a sign of "disrespect." This doesn't make sense and I would ask out of a sincere sense of confusion and trying to understand. You certainly already know this, but your husband's expectation of perfection in housekeeping is what is disrespectful. How did you get to a place where you do all the housework and childcare despite having a job? This doesn't sound sustainable. If you don't want to divorce, you need to address this now. Have you tried marriage counseling?

Agree. Why does he see a plate out and think it was about him at all? He should have been thinking about you, as in, "wow, she left a plate out, so she must have really had a stressful morning. I'll put the plate away and maybe do something special for her when she gets home." That's a loving supportive relationship.

[Anonymous]

You need to read him the riot act, and threaten divorce if he doesn't change dramatically.

Otherwise he's in his own misogynist echo chamber and won't change all by himself. Show him you can fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Not seeing the forest for the trees, PP. Not seeing the bigger picture because you're thinking this is really just about two plates, one text, and this one time he was an a-hole about an infinitesimally minor thing. This surely, surely is not the only time he's acted in this childish, petty way, and OP clearly walks on eggshells around him. That is the real issue. Not "letting small issues slide."

She has a choice in that matter how to respond. see above where someone else would have said FU. That's why it's called codependency. You are clearly projecting some of your own issues onto this. We don't know these people at all. OP's written one text and honestly is probably a troll like the rest and then will go post on reddit how the DCUM ladies even flip out over a text. This guy sent at text. That's it. There wasn't even a real interaction. OP reads into the text probably more than there was.

Either way, no one should divorce with a young child over this without putting in more work. Don't get married if you can't agree to try to work out a disagreement like this.

You're responding to me, and nowhere did I say or even hint that they should divorce over this. Read more closely from now on. They are in a bigger mess than just this plate nonsense. And nope, no issues to project, but i know that accusations of "You are projecting!" are just a DCUM way to try to dismiss others' arguments. Thirty years married and a sink full of dirty dishes today and neither of us feels disrespected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with him, but I have three kids and a spouse. Everyone thinks one plate/one glass is no big deal. It quickly adds up. The dishwasher is right there and it takes less than 10 seconds, 20 if you need to rinse it.

I'd rather my spouse tell me what is bothering him rather than suppressing the thought and letting resentment build. Talking things out means you do not need to head for divorce.

So? In my house we help each other. Sometimes you do an extra plate, sometimes you miss a plate.

That’s great you help each other but in some households only one person gets stuck with all the plates. When that happens it causes issues. Only OP can know whether that’s her situation.

DP. The OP was clear in her post that the housekeeper had just come and the kitchen was clean so it's not like the DH felt that two plates was the final straw because there were heaps of dirty dishes left for him to do. In fact, OP also notes that he does no housework, so I doubt he has some beef with her about his always having to do dishes. His issues are deeper ones, and she is afraid to set him off. That's the real red flag here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Not seeing the forest for the trees, PP. Not seeing the bigger picture because you're thinking this is really just about two plates, one text, and this one time he was an a-hole about an infinitesimally minor thing. This surely, surely is not the only time he's acted in this childish, petty way, and OP clearly walks on eggshells around him. That is the real issue. Not "letting small issues slide."

She has a choice in that matter how to respond. see above where someone else would have said FU. That's why it's called codependency. You are clearly projecting some of your own issues onto this. We don't know these people at all. OP's written one text and honestly is probably a troll like the rest and then will go post on reddit how the DCUM ladies even flip out over a text. This guy sent at text. That's it. There wasn't even a real interaction. OP reads into the text probably more than there was.

Either way, no one should divorce with a young child over this without putting in more work. Don't get married if you can't agree to try to work out a disagreement like this.

Finally, a mature woman. Marriage is like a book, you don't throw away the book just because you don't like one word/one line in that book. Yes, his text was terrible but you can't get the full context based on one text.

For the full context, really read her entire post in depth. She fears his temper, and not just about one incident with dishes and one nasty text. Mature women look for the bigger picture, PP.

[Anonymous]

What happens regularly? Dirty stuff left out?

This has nothing to do with the cleaners coming every other week. That’s moot.

Are people tidying up after themselves MOST of the time?

Are people being reasonable about being tidy or when things are left out once in awhile ? Esp w kids and new schedules coming up.

[Anonymous]

How would I react?

I'd probably start leaving my dirty plate on the counter every morning.

or, after a family meal, only put my dish away. And let his dirty plate stay on the counter.

seriously. that guy can GTFO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with him, but I have three kids and a spouse. Everyone thinks one plate/one glass is no big deal. It quickly adds up. The dishwasher is right there and it takes less than 10 seconds, 20 if you need to rinse it.

I'd rather my spouse tell me what is bothering him rather than suppressing the thought and letting resentment build. Talking things out means you do not need to head for divorce.

So? In my house we help each other. Sometimes you do an extra plate, sometimes you miss a plate.

That’s great you help each other but in some households only one person gets stuck with all the plates. When that happens it causes issues. Only OP can know whether that’s her situation.

DP. The OP was clear in her post that the housekeeper had just come and the kitchen was clean so it's not like the DH felt that two plates was the final straw because there were heaps of dirty dishes left for him to do. In fact, OP also notes that he does no housework, so I doubt he has some beef with her about his always having to do dishes. His issues are deeper ones, and she is afraid to set him off. That's the real red flag here.

Housekeepers (typically) do not do dishes. I'm even more irate the day after the cleaners come and everyone can't seem to take 20 seconds to put their dishes in the dishwasher. SECONDS.

It is disrespectful. I point it out to the offending party each time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

This is totally disrespectful, condescending, sexist behavior and he needs to know that. The fact that he is prone to anger and that you thus are scared to talk with him and don’t want to escalate is concerning because it sounds like he intimidates with fear and totally diminishes and demeans your contributions. I am truly aghast he feels so free to criticize you when he does none of the house work.

I would seriously be considering divorce with this dynamic, but also would make an effort to make it work.

First, it may help to set some boundaries with him- he sends you that text message trying to intimidate you and you send back a message that sends fear into his heart. Something along the lines of: “HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT— I AM NOT YOUR MAID. THIS IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE WAY TO TREAT ME. WE NEED To have a serious conversation about how I have been treated in this relationship. I expect you to listen to me, hear me out, and tell me what you will do to change. If you raise your voice, or if I sense you are trying to intimidate me with your anger, I will leave the room. Serious change needs to happen in this relationship for this marriage to continue.” And then make sure you see change and that he regularly attends therapy.


Of course none of this applies if his anger could possibly become violent- in that case fleeing would be needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to this?

This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).

An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.

I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.

He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.

He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.

I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).

When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.

How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.

By the way, such situations occur regularly.

Thanks in advance.

I would detach and ignore him entirely when he texts or calls or says this krap or won’t be a team player for his house, wife or kid.

If this is super pervasive counseling might be in order or look at divorce options if he might coparent or care for the kid OK.

No mother or father gets to work 10+ hours out of the house and use that as an excuse to not do basic stuff and pitch in around the house and with the kid(s).

If housework is getting too much then he and you need to pay for housekeeper 2+ times a week or increase the frequency of the cleaners. Not dump on you and pester you while he hides at the office having secretaries, jr people and daily cleaning ladies do everything.

[Anonymous]

If you suspect mental disorders in his family (as a reason why he works so hard, doesn’t do anything at home, harasses you about some things), figure that out so you can further detach and not go crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed if you left dirty dishes on the counter. I wouldn’t say anything if it was a one time thing. But it’s not a big deal to put them in the sink or dishwasher. This isn’t likely about leaving dishes once.

Most of the time you either take turns doing that or everyone’s responsible for their own.

Some of the time I put his dirty stuff away, and vice versa.

Now if he or she always left dirty and moldy coffee mugs out, they’d need to up their game. That would be disrespectful if it’s a CHRONIC PATTERN.