Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of military men are like this DH. It just comes with the territory but they are more laxed on other things. If you marry a military guy who is into order you kind of have to roll with the texts about dishes and stuff like that.

I mean it’s not my thing but to then it’s like saying please and thank you. Everything has its place and everything in its place mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to someone like your husband. He’s an unhappy angry entitled control freak. I’m getting out- albeit, too late - the damage is done. Get out if you can. This isn’t fixable. I could’ve written your post verbatim. It only gets worse.

OP here. PP, I'm sorry that you are going through something similar. Congratulations, though, for having the strength and the courage to leave! So admirable!

What do you mean by it being "too late -- the damage is done." Has your child become an unpleasant control freak (if a boy) or a passive scared young woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

Other than you working and his mom being a SAHM, you and your son are repeating the behavior of his mom and him as a child. He turned into his dad. His dad probably had parents like him and his wife, and probably felt the same as a child. Think about that.

Don’t frame it in a way that only lets you find the easiest way to keep him from being angry in the present. Think about it in a way that teaches your son that he doesn’t have to repress his own feelings to make someone else happy or bear the brunt of someone else’s anger when they’re unhappy. Also think about how you can teach your son by example that he doesn’t automatically get to have a wife and son who will bend over backwards to appease his every whim just because that’s how he was raised. How can you help your son not to become his father? Can you imagine someone posting what you wrote about that sweet little boy in a few decades? (It’s not fair for it to be all your responsibility, but your DH isn’t asking for opinions and doesn’t seem like he would want to change the cycle. You’re already part of the cycle, and you can find a way to break it or you can vm help it continue.)

OP here. PP, thank you and all the other PPs for your very helpful insights. I realize that this is serious and would damage my child for life if I don't break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

Dear God, the whole incident in bold is a gigantic, neon red sign saying he's the most self-centered adult possible. Did you call him out for this insanely insulting behavior? His call was profoundly out of line, FFS. Did I read it right? He called the mom who was not even the mom of the disliked boy, herself??, but who in total innocence invited the child to a GROUP event, not knowing it would trigger his ire? OP, you DO realize that your DH is setting your entire family up to be pariahs, right? And did the boy even interact with your DH at all, or does DH object to the very sight of this child, who was mistakely there in the first place? This is so bizarrely controlling of a situation that should have just passed when the group event ended with nothing said!

I'm betting, though, that you did not call him out on making that phone call because you yourself fear setting him off and making him angry at you and your child. You fear that with good reason. He is jaw-droppingly self-centered. Not normal, OP.

Re-read this sentence in your post above too, I beg you: My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper." You do know, OP, that you are running out of time to protect your child from being affected badly, for life, by his father's perfectionism, control and "my way or the highway" personality, right?

I posted much earlier and I was NOT one of the "divorce!" posters. But if DH won't go to therapy, you need to be in therapy ASAP to dig into why you allow yourself to live like this and why you tolerate walking on eggshells and raising a child who is learning to do the same.

OP here. PP, thanks for your input. Sadly, I realize that you are right about everything.

No, I did not criticize him for calling the other mom, even though I knew that such behavior damaged us socially.

And no, he didn't interact at all with the disliked boy, he merely saw him play in the living room with the other kids while he (my husband) was on his way to the bedroom.

I am most concerned about my son eventually considering his father's behavior normal. He already spoke to me in a commanding tone a few times, like " please close the window. You can leave the room now."

I really should talk to a therapist.

Op. You seem pretty outgoing here. Why not just say to your son. I don’t tolerate people speaking to me like that. I hope you don’t either. We ask people to do things and then say thank you to show respect. And then saying the same to your husband. I’m not your assistant. I remember a Jocko podcast where he was acting like the wife was one of the guys and she said flat out I’m not one of your team guys and he realized he had to treat her differently if he wanted a different relationship. You seem capable of speaking up for yourself here. If you have nothing to lose in the marriage why not actually step up and speak and work on the communication?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Earlier i criticized him more. Every time I called out a behavior, he said that he was sick of me quarreling all the time, that I am a bitter and terrible person, and that he is going to move out. He would storm out in the middle of (rare) family activities.

I was trying to have our son grow up in a family. But I realize that there would be another type of damage if we stayed together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Earlier i criticized him more. Every time I called out a behavior, he said that he was sick of me quarreling all the time, that I am a bitter and terrible person, and that he is going to move out. He would storm out in the middle of (rare) family activities.

I was trying to have our son grow up in a family. But I realize that there would be another type of damage if we stayed together.

So now he says you are a bitter terrible person but your actual issue for dcum was a text about two plates. You are a complete troll. I’m so sick of it. I called troll pages back but this is obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

Ok, then stop leaving messes. The only person you can change is yourself. If you want to make it work, do whatever he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Earlier i criticized him more. Every time I called out a behavior, he said that he was sick of me quarreling all the time, that I am a bitter and terrible person, and that he is going to move out. He would storm out in the middle of (rare) family activities.

I was trying to have our son grow up in a family. But I realize that there would be another type of damage if we stayed together.

So now he says you are a bitter terrible person but your actual issue for dcum was a text about two plates. You are a complete troll. I’m so sick of it. I called troll pages back but this is obvious.

OP here. No, I am not a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Earlier i criticized him more. Every time I called out a behavior, he said that he was sick of me quarreling all the time, that I am a bitter and terrible person, and that he is going to move out. He would storm out in the middle of (rare) family activities.

I was trying to have our son grow up in a family. But I realize that there would be another type of damage if we stayed together.

Okay, if you got divorced and raised your son, you and your son are a family. He would be growing up in your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Earlier i criticized him more. Every time I called out a behavior, he said that he was sick of me quarreling all the time, that I am a bitter and terrible person, and that he is going to move out. He would storm out in the middle of (rare) family activities.

I was trying to have our son grow up in a family. But I realize that there would be another type of damage if we stayed together.

So now he says you are a bitter terrible person but your actual issue for dcum was a text about two plates. You are a complete troll. I’m so sick of it. I called troll pages back but this is obvious.

OP, please ignore posts like the one above. There are people who come on these threads and who call troll the instant an OP adds any information whatsoever, and who insist that any added information that wasn't in the OP's first post is somehow proof of a troll. While trolls here do sometimes keep returning to feed a thread with drips of details, well, lots of us believe you, to be blunt, and you do not OWE anyone any further details at all.

Many OPs begin with one triggering, small event like the stupid plates and then realize there are bigger and deeper issues. It does not automatically make all those OPs trolls when they realize this and come back to discuss their bigger issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Earlier i criticized him more. Every time I called out a behavior, he said that he was sick of me quarreling all the time, that I am a bitter and terrible person, and that he is going to move out. He would storm out in the middle of (rare) family activities.

I was trying to have our son grow up in a family. But I realize that there would be another type of damage if we stayed together.

JFC. This is awful. Threatening to leave, even when not acted on, is truly ugly behavior -- especially if your son has witnessed it. It makes kids believe that it's no big deal to toss out what are actually very serious threats, and one day he might find this so normalized that he does the same thing to his own family. He's already talking like dad in miniature, at times, as you note.

Your DH had a personality problem way before the plates. Controlling ways, insistence on a perfectly clean house as if no one lives there but him, responding to any criticism with insults ("bitter and terrible"), communicating angrily about the pettiest things -- Does he actually love you and your son, or behave in any loving ways, or relax, ever? Or does he interpret loving you both as earning as much money as he can while you leave him alone and create a spotless environment around him--?

The incident where he could not even abide to have a certain disliked child in his mere presence for a few seconds while DH walked through a room -- that's telling. He sounds extremely ill-suited to be a parent, and most of all, he sounds inflexible in ways that are actually worrying. His anger will only grow as your son grows. When your son starts to push back at all, saying he doesn't want to do some activity dad thinks he should do -- well, you will start to see DH's true anger come out when son starts to assert himself. Or conversely, son will learn he cant' ever push back or be an individual because he fears dad's anger.

Please get yourself into therapy immediately -- therapists can be hard to find right now, OP, but you need to try. You need some actual coping strategies, but NOT merely coping as in "keeping DH happy" by walking on eggshells while your son learns to walk on eggshells too. I am concerned for your son if you divorce and daddy gets 50 percent time with son alone -- that cannot be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

Dear God, the whole incident in bold is a gigantic, neon red sign saying he's the most self-centered adult possible. Did you call him out for this insanely insulting behavior? His call was profoundly out of line, FFS. Did I read it right? He called the mom who was not even the mom of the disliked boy, herself??, but who in total innocence invited the child to a GROUP event, not knowing it would trigger his ire? OP, you DO realize that your DH is setting your entire family up to be pariahs, right? And did the boy even interact with your DH at all, or does DH object to the very sight of this child, who was mistakely there in the first place? This is so bizarrely controlling of a situation that should have just passed when the group event ended with nothing said!

I'm betting, though, that you did not call him out on making that phone call because you yourself fear setting him off and making him angry at you and your child. You fear that with good reason. He is jaw-droppingly self-centered. Not normal, OP.

Re-read this sentence in your post above too, I beg you: My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper." You do know, OP, that you are running out of time to protect your child from being affected badly, for life, by his father's perfectionism, control and "my way or the highway" personality, right?

I posted much earlier and I was NOT one of the "divorce!" posters. But if DH won't go to therapy, you need to be in therapy ASAP to dig into why you allow yourself to live like this and why you tolerate walking on eggshells and raising a child who is learning to do the same.

The son and OP don’t like him. The son specifically asked that he not come but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. The dad honestly was helping here making it about him and his rest needs and not involving the parents of the problem kid. It says they are friends with each other. This incidence I actually think was kind. Maybe the dad thought he was doing his son a favor too. If I got a call like that from a friend I would be fine with it. Maybe OP should have said something since she didn’t want him either but really no harm done here.

This is a prime example of spin. It seems doubtful that this dad thinks much about doing his son "favors" like you think he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed if you left dirty dishes on the counter. I wouldn’t say anything if it was a one time thing. But it’s not a big deal to put them in the sink or dishwasher. This isn’t likely about leaving dishes once.

Np. Found the dh. Two dishes is nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

Ok, then stop leaving messes. The only person you can change is yourself. If you want to make it work, do whatever he wants.

God what a terrible way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

You BOTH have to make it work. He won't water a houseplant, do you think he is going to work on your marriage?