Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

[Anonymous]

I would have been childish and texted back "f*** you, put them in the dishwasher" so am of no help here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

Then learn to eat your husband’s crap, because he is very unlikely to change.

And accept the fact that by eating your husband’s crap, you are teaching your son, the best thing that ever happened to you, that it is okay for women to be treated like crap by their husbands. And then he is likely to grow up to be a man who treats women like crap.

I can only speak from experience. My father treated my mother like crap, my brother started practicing the skills with me, his little sister, in childhood and then carried on to be a mean and nasty partner to multiple girlfriends and wives. Now he’s teaching his son and daughter the same lessons. This is how misogyny is perpetuated.

This is why you should never ask for advice here OP. So many angry divorced women. My marriage didn't work out, so you can't have yours either attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you know the expression, "Walking on eggshells?"

You are living that way.

You made the post about one example and people here are going to fixate on that one example and give you countless stories of spouses who also can't abide a plate left out on a counter, or who also would never think to cover patio furniture in the rain or do chore X or partcipate in kid activity Y and who come home late and, and, and.

But please stop focusing on this ONE incident and his terribly stupid text to you and whether you showed "lack of respect." That phrase is nothing but cover for the real meaning, "I AM PISSED AT YOU." Respect has nothing whatsoever to do with two dishes on a counter but he wants you to think it does.

OP, reread your own post as if you're reading a stranger's post. You bit your tongue in your reply because you don't want to rile him up. Your reply is full of other indicators that you know he has a short fuse and he will get angry if you are not perfect by HIS standard of perfection; you clearly know he expects you to cater to how he expects the house to be. And OP, come on, he surely expects you and your child to exercise his standard of perfection in other aspects of life, right? Meals on the table on time, every time, maybe? Or your kid is too "messy" and that makes him angry? Sit down and think hard: What else does he want to control and have "perfect" for himself? Make a list. I mean it. An actual, written list. You will see how tiny things add up to "Kid and I tiptoe around his moods, feelings and standards."

No one should live having to monitor every dirty plate, every interaction, every word or text, because the other person might get upset or angry. You and he need non-negotiable marriage therapy. This is NOT about plates. It is not about real respect, which he fails to show toward you by interrupting your day with a petty, spiteful communication. It is not about his hatred of mess. It is about his need for control and his living a separate life where he works long hours and expects to come home to quiet perfection--bachelor perfection, really. He and you have more serious issues that will worsen with time.

Why do I say they'll worsen? As your kid gets older and asserts himself or herself more, daddy is likely to hate that too, and push back by trying to control your kid, criticize your kid and you as the mother, etc.

Foresee it now, OP, and tell him there is a problem. If he says there isn't one? Well, if either one of the people in a couple perceives a problem, then there IS a problem, no matter what the other person wants to believe. And the problem is not his standard of cleanliness, or yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Not seeing the forest for the trees, PP. Not seeing the bigger picture because you're thinking this is really just about two plates, one text, and this one time he was an a-hole about an infinitesimally minor thing. This surely, surely is not the only time he's acted in this childish, petty way, and OP clearly walks on eggshells around him. That is the real issue. Not "letting small issues slide."

[Anonymous]

Jeez, OP, your OP sounds like an opening scene from the movie Sleeping With the Enemy. It gave me chills. I'd be looking to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Not seeing the forest for the trees, PP. Not seeing the bigger picture because you're thinking this is really just about two plates, one text, and this one time he was an a-hole about an infinitesimally minor thing. This surely, surely is not the only time he's acted in this childish, petty way, and OP clearly walks on eggshells around him. That is the real issue. Not "letting small issues slide."

I clap you.

- np

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

Then learn to eat your husband’s crap, because he is very unlikely to change.

And accept the fact that by eating your husband’s crap, you are teaching your son, the best thing that ever happened to you, that it is okay for women to be treated like crap by their husbands. And then he is likely to grow up to be a man who treats women like crap.

I can only speak from experience. My father treated my mother like crap, my brother started practicing the skills with me, his little sister, in childhood and then carried on to be a mean and nasty partner to multiple girlfriends and wives. Now he’s teaching his son and daughter the same lessons. This is how misogyny is perpetuated.

This is why you should never ask for advice here OP. So many angry divorced women. My marriage didn't work out, so you can't have yours either attitude.

I’m not an angry divorced woman. I am a woman who saw from the very start how badly marriage could turn out, and very often did, and thus resisted the urge to get into one.

Now at 52 I can count on one hand without needing all the digits the number of marriages I’ve seen over the decades that I envied in any respect. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been a shoulder to friends and family members as they suffered disrespect and abuse from their husbands, whether the walking on eggshells or tolerating a man-child or doing all that for decades only to be unceremoniously dumped for a younger hotter version in midlife. And that’s just my personal observations in my personal life - don’t get me started on what I saw in the years I spent in family law, domestic violence advocacy and the criminal justice system.

I’m not saying it’s a picnic being single, and I definitely hold anger towards the largely misogynistic society that leaves many women who want families to deal with so many ugly realities - it doesn’t have to be this way, it is not the natural order of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Not seeing the forest for the trees, PP. Not seeing the bigger picture because you're thinking this is really just about two plates, one text, and this one time he was an a-hole about an infinitesimally minor thing. This surely, surely is not the only time he's acted in this childish, petty way, and OP clearly walks on eggshells around him. That is the real issue. Not "letting small issues slide."

She has a choice in that matter how to respond. see above where someone else would have said FU. That's why it's called codependency. You are clearly projecting some of your own issues onto this. We don't know these people at all. OP's written one text and honestly is probably a troll like the rest and then will go post on reddit how the DCUM ladies even flip out over a text. This guy sent at text. That's it. There wasn't even a real interaction. OP reads into the text probably more than there was.

Either way, no one should divorce with a young child over this without putting in more work. Don't get married if you can't agree to try to work out a disagreement like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, do you know the expression, "Walking on eggshells?"

You are living that way.

You made the post about one example and people here are going to fixate on that one example and give you countless stories of spouses who also can't abide a plate left out on a counter, or who also would never think to cover patio furniture in the rain or do chore X or partcipate in kid activity Y and who come home late and, and, and.

But please stop focusing on this ONE incident and his terribly stupid text to you and whether you showed "lack of respect." That phrase is nothing but cover for the real meaning, "I AM PISSED AT YOU." Respect has nothing whatsoever to do with two dishes on a counter but he wants you to think it does.

OP, reread your own post as if you're reading a stranger's post. You bit your tongue in your reply because you don't want to rile him up. Your reply is full of other indicators that you know he has a short fuse and he will get angry if you are not perfect by HIS standard of perfection; you clearly know he expects you to cater to how he expects the house to be. And OP, come on, he surely expects you and your child to exercise his standard of perfection in other aspects of life, right? Meals on the table on time, every time, maybe? Or your kid is too "messy" and that makes him angry? Sit down and think hard: What else does he want to control and have "perfect" for himself? Make a list. I mean it. An actual, written list. You will see how tiny things add up to "Kid and I tiptoe around his moods, feelings and standards."

No one should live having to monitor every dirty plate, every interaction, every word or text, because the other person might get upset or angry. You and he need non-negotiable marriage therapy. This is NOT about plates. It is not about real respect, which he fails to show toward you by interrupting your day with a petty, spiteful communication. It is not about his hatred of mess. It is about his need for control and his living a separate life where he works long hours and expects to come home to quiet perfection--bachelor perfection, really. He and you have more serious issues that will worsen with time.

Why do I say they'll worsen? As your kid gets older and asserts himself or herself more, daddy is likely to hate that too, and push back by trying to control your kid, criticize your kid and you as the mother, etc.

Foresee it now, OP, and tell him there is a problem. If he says there isn't one? Well, if either one of the people in a couple perceives a problem, then there IS a problem, no matter what the other person wants to believe. And the problem is not his standard of cleanliness, or yours.

+ 1 And I if you’re unsure start a thread requesting feedback from people who grew up with an angry, controlling father given to explosive outbursts. It was hell.

[Anonymous]

I would text him back a picture of my middle finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, do you know the expression, "Walking on eggshells?"

You are living that way.

You made the post about one example and people here are going to fixate on that one example and give you countless stories of spouses who also can't abide a plate left out on a counter, or who also would never think to cover patio furniture in the rain or do chore X or partcipate in kid activity Y and who come home late and, and, and.

But please stop focusing on this ONE incident and his terribly stupid text to you and whether you showed "lack of respect." That phrase is nothing but cover for the real meaning, "I AM PISSED AT YOU." Respect has nothing whatsoever to do with two dishes on a counter but he wants you to think it does.

OP, reread your own post as if you're reading a stranger's post. You bit your tongue in your reply because you don't want to rile him up. Your reply is full of other indicators that you know he has a short fuse and he will get angry if you are not perfect by HIS standard of perfection; you clearly know he expects you to cater to how he expects the house to be. And OP, come on, he surely expects you and your child to exercise his standard of perfection in other aspects of life, right? Meals on the table on time, every time, maybe? Or your kid is too "messy" and that makes him angry? Sit down and think hard: What else does he want to control and have "perfect" for himself? Make a list. I mean it. An actual, written list. You will see how tiny things add up to "Kid and I tiptoe around his moods, feelings and standards."

No one should live having to monitor every dirty plate, every interaction, every word or text, because the other person might get upset or angry. You and he need non-negotiable marriage therapy. This is NOT about plates. It is not about real respect, which he fails to show toward you by interrupting your day with a petty, spiteful communication. It is not about his hatred of mess. It is about his need for control and his living a separate life where he works long hours and expects to come home to quiet perfection--bachelor perfection, really. He and you have more serious issues that will worsen with time.

Why do I say they'll worsen? As your kid gets older and asserts himself or herself more, daddy is likely to hate that too, and push back by trying to control your kid, criticize your kid and you as the mother, etc.

Foresee it now, OP, and tell him there is a problem. If he says there isn't one? Well, if either one of the people in a couple perceives a problem, then there IS a problem, no matter what the other person wants to believe. And the problem is not his standard of cleanliness, or yours.

Here's your answer. This one. And mine, about texting him your middle finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of more concern than the story you told is your fear of his often escalating anger. Do you realize how concerning that is?

The petty argument about the dishes and who does what around the house is the same argument that millions of couples have all the time. Most of us aren’t scared to defend ourselves if we feel that’s the appropriate response.

This exactly. Virtually all couples have stupid arguments or even send stupid texts like that. (I can't imagine DH sending that particular stupid text, but just this morning we had a stupid exchange about scheduling the kids' dentist apts.)
But at no point am I worried about escalating anger, or afraid to respond to him because I might set him off. That's not a happy, healthy relationship, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm a husband and I guess I'm glad (?) that I have so many bigger problems than some plates on the counter.

The only response that I could imagine having is to spend the 3.5 seconds to put the plates in the dishwasher or even 65 seconds to wash/dry/put away the dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with him, but I have three kids and a spouse. Everyone thinks one plate/one glass is no big deal. It quickly adds up. The dishwasher is right there and it takes less than 10 seconds, 20 if you need to rinse it.

I'd rather my spouse tell me what is bothering him rather than suppressing the thought and letting resentment build. Talking things out means you do not need to head for divorce.

So? In my house we help each other. Sometimes you do an extra plate, sometimes you miss a plate.

That’s great you help each other but in some households only one person gets stuck with all the plates. When that happens it causes issues. Only OP can know whether that’s her situation.

[Anonymous]