Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Reread what she wrote. She said he does this often.

The bigger issue is that she is afraid to respond as she would normally because of his anger issues. That is not ok.

[Anonymous]

She has no proposing here. She doesn’t care for her marriage. There is nothing to lose other than her ability to whine about the situation. I’ve stopped caring. If my husband called me horrible to live with I would be worried about that and not a text about two dishes from him.

[Anonymous]

Proposing should have been problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to this?

This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).

An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.

I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.

He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.

He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.

I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).

When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.

How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.

By the way, such situations occur regularly.

Thanks in advance.

HE is the one being disrespectful. The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

I would not socialize with your dh and by default, you. I would not tolerate a phone conversation like that with your not so dh for 2 seconds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

Dear God, the whole incident in bold is a gigantic, neon red sign saying he's the most self-centered adult possible. Did you call him out for this insanely insulting behavior? His call was profoundly out of line, FFS. Did I read it right? He called the mom who was not even the mom of the disliked boy, herself??, but who in total innocence invited the child to a GROUP event, not knowing it would trigger his ire? OP, you DO realize that your DH is setting your entire family up to be pariahs, right? And did the boy even interact with your DH at all, or does DH object to the very sight of this child, who was mistakely there in the first place? This is so bizarrely controlling of a situation that should have just passed when the group event ended with nothing said!

I'm betting, though, that you did not call him out on making that phone call because you yourself fear setting him off and making him angry at you and your child. You fear that with good reason. He is jaw-droppingly self-centered. Not normal, OP.

Re-read this sentence in your post above too, I beg you: My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper." You do know, OP, that you are running out of time to protect your child from being affected badly, for life, by his father's perfectionism, control and "my way or the highway" personality, right?

I posted much earlier and I was NOT one of the "divorce!" posters. But if DH won't go to therapy, you need to be in therapy ASAP to dig into why you allow yourself to live like this and why you tolerate walking on eggshells and raising a child who is learning to do the same.

The son and OP don’t like him. The son specifically asked that he not come but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. The dad honestly was helping here making it about him and his rest needs and not involving the parents of the problem kid. It says they are friends with each other. This incidence I actually think was kind. Maybe the dad thought he was doing his son a favor too. If I got a call like that from a friend I would be fine with it. Maybe OP should have said something since she didn’t want him either but really no harm done here.

That’s an amazing circus worthy contortionist’s performance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Earlier i criticized him more. Every time I called out a behavior, he said that he was sick of me quarreling all the time, that I am a bitter and terrible person, and that he is going to move out. He would storm out in the middle of (rare) family activities.

I was trying to have our son grow up in a family. But I realize that there would be another type of damage if we stayed together.

So now he says you are a bitter terrible person but your actual issue for dcum was a text about two plates. You are a complete troll. I’m so sick of it. I called troll pages back but this is obvious.

TROLL ALERT

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my husband, who is a type A, OCD, obsessive compulsive, control freak of a Virgo. He would do this. We have been married for 19 years so obvi we make it work but man, sometimes, I just want to strangle him.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP, I believe you and know you are not a troll as I have been in similar situations. It sounds like you may be in an emotionally abusive marriage (I am guessing?) and it is easy to be a frog in a frying pan and let habits accumulate, and to be walking on eggshells, and to just become a defacto single parent as you take your son around for a day, and that is easier than being around a husband as well..

I do think you should see a therapist, and explore some of the issues raised.... I think you can make it work with your DH, but you have to be mindful of the issues, and aware of the issues, so that this is a choice to stay together, if that is what you want, after exploring the issues and finding healthy ways to discuss topics with your son.....

Divorce is difficult, you see your kid only half the time, and should be a last resort...I don't know how people can be so flippant about "get divorced" advice...

FWIW, I was also born in Western Europe, and for whatever reason have different gender norms than in the US... I am probably in a category also of being very accommodating to a controlling/volatile husband at times.....

I would just encourage you to become more aware of your situation, and mindful of whatever unhealthy habits are forming, so you can make the best decision for yourself.

Wishing you lots of luck and you are brave to post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to this?

This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).

An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.

I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.

He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.

He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.

I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).

When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.

How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.

By the way, such situations occur regularly.

Thanks in advance.

HE is the one being disrespectful. The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away.

Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Has this type of thing happened before? If not, is your spouse ill either physically or otherwise (maybe other slightly odd things have happened) and no on realizes it?

If this is normal behavior, you are probably in an abusive relationship. It is not normal if the house is spotless and one single time you leave 2 dishes out because you are running behind and your spouse rather than simply putting the dishes in the dishwasher to help you out, takes the time to take a photo, text it, and make it about him by calling you disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to this?

This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).

An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.

I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.

He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.

He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.

I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).

When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.

How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.

By the way, such situations occur regularly.

Thanks in advance.

Didn't you know that your husband was a Type-A, control freak before marrying him? 🤔

He's got undiagnosed anxiety, which presents itself as an overwhelming need to control every-thing and every-one around him (he's probably the same at work too).

People like to call these control freaks "perfectionists" but that's just a nice name of saying someone will have a break down of what they want done isn't done the exact way they want it.
That's not a "perfectionist" -- that's a major undiagnosed anxiety disorder.

Best of luck to you because without therapy, he will never, EVER change.