Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry him, and most importantly, why did you have a kid with him?

After with PPs, start divorce plans now. It won’t be easy, and losing your child for 50% of the time will be tough, but it’s inevitable.

[Anonymous]

A lot of these men are influenced by the red pill types that are trying to make the world hypermasculine. They've been overseas and saw some good for them in the Taliban or something completely ignoring the bad of these societies. Who knows. It's unrealistic to expect such perfection and calm with a child. Find a male and female parenting coach and relationship coach who can explain this and what's best for your child and you both together and work on these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

I am surprised that you are surprised. That's DCUM's #1 advice to any kind of relationship issues. My advice to you is get off DCUM and work it out with your DH like a normal married couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to this?

This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).

An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.

I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.

He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.

He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.

I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).

When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.

How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.

By the way, such situations occur regularly.

Thanks in advance.

"Our" kid

[Anonymous]

I know that DCUM says the answer is divorce in every situation, but in this case, it really is the answer. Your husband will not change, and your life will only become more stressful as your kid gets older. Start preparing to get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Reread what she wrote. She said he does this often.

[Anonymous]

He has problems and you need to learn to live with it or get out. I got out.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to get play devils advocate as someone who has been on the receiving end of this type of thing for years- I started feeling like my spouse thought their time was more valuable than mine. My now XH knew that if he put a dirty dish on the counter or in the sink that it would magically get cleaned. This type of thing carried over into many aspects of our relationship and it got to the point where I became resentful (because really, how long does it take to complete the task of putting a dish into the dishwasher), I started losing respect for him and I started realizing that he was not a value added partner. OP does this type of thing (you leaving things undone that he has to do) happen often? Because this sounds like it’s WAY more than just leaving two dishes on the sink. And honestly I don’t agree with how he went about communicating his opinion on the matter but at least he’s verbalizing it. I was never able to communicate my issues and it was a huge factor in the divorce (the culmination of years of little things that were disrespectful).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that DCUM says the answer is divorce in every situation, but in this case, it really is the answer. Your husband will not change, and your life will only become more stressful as your kid gets older. Start preparing to get out.

It really is not. It is 2 dishes which is not divorce worthy and she hasn't even discussed how she felt disrespected yet. We don't even know the other instances. What he had going on the same day. Why they needed to rush, etc. Sounds like they didn't actually need to rush btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him, and most importantly, why did you have a kid with him?

After with PPs, start divorce plans now. It won’t be easy, and losing your child for 50% of the time will be tough, but it’s inevitable.

I am going to guess that he was an exciting guy, ambitious, and really believed in himself. Right now, he feels kind of beaten down by life and like things didn't really pan out for whatever reason. Whatever he had inside him that made him feel good about himself has been kind of twisted. He still has to see himself as a special guy, but because no one recognizes this, the idea was twisted into this idea that people don't really understand and respect him.
He can't share vulnerable emotions, even with his kid, so he probably doesn't really feel emotionally connected to anyone. That means the connections that normally get people through rough times aren't available to him.
Hopefully, he uses this time that he is unhappy as an opportunity to change and grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to get play devils advocate as someone who has been on the receiving end of this type of thing for years- I started feeling like my spouse thought their time was more valuable than mine. My now XH knew that if he put a dirty dish on the counter or in the sink that it would magically get cleaned. This type of thing carried over into many aspects of our relationship and it got to the point where I became resentful (because really, how long does it take to complete the task of putting a dish into the dishwasher), I started losing respect for him and I started realizing that he was not a value added partner. OP does this type of thing (you leaving things undone that he has to do) happen often? Because this sounds like it’s WAY more than just leaving two dishes on the sink. And honestly I don’t agree with how he went about communicating his opinion on the matter but at least he’s verbalizing it. I was never able to communicate my issues and it was a huge factor in the divorce (the culmination of years of little things that were disrespectful).

Exactly. It wasn't perfect but at the same time he wasn't shouting or hitting. He was communicating. She likely does this a lot because it seems he has to deal with mess often. He married someone who doesn't value neatness as much as him. That's something they both have to come to terms with. She doesn't have to change, but at the same time it needs to be understood by him and her that they both have things they don't like that they need to learn to accept. They are married with a child. This isn't some date she went on.

[Anonymous]

What's the emotional context? Does he say stupid stuff like that a lot? Does he apologize later? Does he drop it because he knows that he's been a reasonable but it's also to petty to apologize? Does he have neurotic attitude about orderliness in general in his life? To get frustrated with himself too?

It's okay (not great!) for someone be a little verbally rough, if it's just a slightly immature way of venting, and he doesn't really mean it. You can show him grace for that as a gift. It's only if he's actually holding a garage and mistreating you beyond the whining let it becomes a serious problem.

Spend some of the family money to make his life and your life easier.
If he needs a perfectly clean house all the time, he needs to hire a live-in cleaner. You can help find one to hure, as a kind contribution, if his work hours are too long for him to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much less drama to adopt a child as a single woman and do it all myself with no arguments.

Yes, I'm sure it's been so easy and will continue to be so easy to be a single mom. Just wait until your parents die and there's no-one left to help youmwith everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Disagree. Does she want her son to grow up seeing his mom being emotionally abused? The child will grow up to abuse his own spouse. It's unhealthy and it festers for generations if you don't stop this. OP either needs divorce or counseling