Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

[Anonymous]

How would you react to this?

This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).

An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.

I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.

He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.

He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.

I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).

When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.

How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.

By the way, such situations occur regularly.

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

[Anonymous]

When you say you “work less than him,” does that mean part time? If so, put your kid in childcare/aftercare, get a full time job and start putting money away so you can support yourself and your kid and get out (yes, child support can help, but your H will get 50/50 custody unless he refuses it and CS won’t be nearly enough to live on).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

[Anonymous]

So much less drama to adopt a child as a single woman and do it all myself with no arguments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much less drama to adopt a child as a single woman and do it all myself with no arguments.

OP here. Too late for me. Fortunately, our child is wonderful, by far the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

[Anonymous]

I’d be annoyed if you left dirty dishes on the counter. I wouldn’t say anything if it was a one time thing. But it’s not a big deal to put them in the sink or dishwasher. This isn’t likely about leaving dishes once.

[Anonymous]

I would ask my husband why he perceives an oversight while you were rushing out the house to be a sign of "disrespect." This doesn't make sense and I would ask out of a sincere sense of confusion and trying to understand. You certainly already know this, but your husband's expectation of perfection in housekeeping is what is disrespectful. How did you get to a place where you do all the housework and childcare despite having a job? This doesn't sound sustainable. If you don't want to divorce, you need to address this now. Have you tried marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

Your husband doesn’t respect you. There’s no way around that.

I can understand that this doesn’t seem like an emergency situation where you need to leave immediately but it’s a shitty relationship. Now that I’m older, I can appreciate the difficulty of disentangling a partnership and giving up half my time with my child. I’m not sure if I would jump to divorce either.

However, I would go in survival mode in the marriage. Emotionally I would be protecting myself and I would start planning to ramp up my earning potential. Make sure you are always involved in your financial planning and invest in yourself heavily. Max out your retirement accounts. Start savings accounts in your name. Invest heavily in yourself. For example, if you need a masters to get a better job, do that now and pay for it with marital resources.

The main take away is that your husband does not respect you. Your marriage is not a safe relationship no matter how much you want to sugar coat it. Maybe the actual divorce doesn’t happen for 10 years when your kid is out of the house, but the laying the groundwork starts now.

[Anonymous]

Of more concern than the story you told is your fear of his often escalating anger. Do you realize how concerning that is?

The petty argument about the dishes and who does what around the house is the same argument that millions of couples have all the time. Most of us aren’t scared to defend ourselves if we feel that’s the appropriate response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to this?

This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).

An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.

I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.

He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.

He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.

I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).

When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.

How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.

By the way, such situations occur regularly.

Thanks in advance.

I would say his standards are not always able to be upheld especially with children and that he’s labeling your behaviors with your son that don’t even involve him as attacks on him unnecessarily which goes against your own standards of how you expect to be treated. Discuss that you both need counseling to work this through.

[Anonymous]

And the word is inconsiderate not disrespectful which is true that it was but typically you just apologize and say yeah sorry Larla and I were rushing out of the house. Leave them to the side and I’ll clean them when I get back if you don’t want to or something like that.

[Anonymous]

I hate when my husband leaves knives on the counter. He hates when I haven't scrubbed the cutting board after chopping veggies for breakfast. Most of the time we clean each other's messes. Sometimes we snip at each other, depending on mood.

Respect has never entered the conversation. These are just annoying habits that WE ALL HAVE, and that we need to learn to live with, when we are part of a family.

There is absolutely something deeper going on here. I know you are worried about angering him (which is a concern in itself), but is it possible to have a sit-down conversation with him and try to get both of you to understand where this is coming from? Because I doubt he knows, either, quite honestly.

Also:

What work does he do around the house? I assume he's doing his own laundry, at least, because he's the one who "messes that up." And makes the bed and washes bed linens at least half the time, because, you know, he "messes that up" too. And takes out the trash, etc. at least half the time. And so on.