Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Not seeing the forest for the trees, PP. Not seeing the bigger picture because you're thinking this is really just about two plates, one text, and this one time he was an a-hole about an infinitesimally minor thing. This surely, surely is not the only time he's acted in this childish, petty way, and OP clearly walks on eggshells around him. That is the real issue. Not "letting small issues slide."

She has a choice in that matter how to respond. see above where someone else would have said FU. That's why it's called codependency. You are clearly projecting some of your own issues onto this. We don't know these people at all. OP's written one text and honestly is probably a troll like the rest and then will go post on reddit how the DCUM ladies even flip out over a text. This guy sent at text. That's it. There wasn't even a real interaction. OP reads into the text probably more than there was.

Either way, no one should divorce with a young child over this without putting in more work. Don't get married if you can't agree to try to work out a disagreement like this.

Finally, a mature woman. Marriage is like a book, you don't throw away the book just because you don't like one word/one line in that book. Yes, his text was terrible but you can't get the full context based on one text.

It’s
Not
About
“One
Text”
Or
“One
Line.”

Why can’t you people read?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

How did he get the number of this mom? That would be weird for anyone to do rather than talk to you first. The guy can't pick up a dish or do his own laundry but has the audacity to call up a mom and criticize a young boy when he doesn't even have to do anything related to him? Criticizes you but instead this time he bypassed you to call her up? It doesn't add up. That is a huge deal but one I kind of doubt actually happened with this guy. He would criticize and put it on you if the pattern repeated, no?

OP here. My husband has the phone number of other parents of both genders, just like I have the phone numbers of (and actually talk to) not only of the moms but also of the dads. What is so strange about that? Furthermore, specifically with these parents we actually happen to be friends, so I don't see anything weird about him calling her. I do see a problem with him making this about himself instead of "this boy being here makes our son uncomfortable". That boy never did anything to my husband, they barely ever saw each other.

OP here again. PP, why do you doubt that this actually happened? Do you think that people on this forum just make up stuff? We all have things to do and most definitely do not want to waste our time here if we were not looking for answers to real problems. I hate it when some are so quick to shout troll, just because something they read does not fit with their life experience.

They do. Every single day. It’s for attention. Yes, it’s pathetic, but it happens every day.

I’m a different poster and I’m not saying YOU aren’t telling the truth, but you asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am your husband! And I am a wife!

It’s not over two plates, obviously, but I DEFINITELY read my husband leaving messes or halfassing his measly share of the chores as disrespect to me. It makes me feel insulted.

We have worked on this in couple’s therapy. I’ve been able to change my thinking somewhat. I still feel insulted by it a lot of the time, tbh.

I would say in general I’m pretty easy going and accommodating and this definitely happens to me more when I’m otherwise stressed out.

One thing you might do to head it off is if you need to leave something you know bothers him undone, communicate about it. A text that says “I ran out of time for the plates, will get them at dinner.” Or “I ran out of time for the plates can you help?” Should he just pick them up anyway? Arguably yes! But if he feels insulted the way I do, communicating is the best way to help imo.

Except this is irrelevant, because her husband doesn’t have a “half of chores” or anywhere near that. He thinks his only job in the family is to work outside the home. So you’d think he could handle rinsing a single plate. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

I would insist on marriage counseling. He is an arrogant control freak who treats you like a subordinate employee.

If he won’t agree, go to therapy alone. Start demanding a true partnership and equal respect.

Your child must be learning some quite toxic lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These threads just make me so so grateful. I leave cups on the counter in the morning and DH leaves snack bowls on the coffee table at night. And neither of us cares because…it doesn’t matter.

+1

I thought about this as we were enjoying watching TV together tonight and neither of us lifting a finger to go wash the dishes (and we really do have to wash; for reasons I won't get into, we don't have a dishwasher). Nice evening. Did a few dishes, late -- together. Just no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

Dear God, the whole incident in bold is a gigantic, neon red sign saying he's the most self-centered adult possible. Did you call him out for this insanely insulting behavior? His call was profoundly out of line, FFS. Did I read it right? He called the mom who was not even the mom of the disliked boy, herself??, but who in total innocence invited the child to a GROUP event, not knowing it would trigger his ire? OP, you DO realize that your DH is setting your entire family up to be pariahs, right? And did the boy even interact with your DH at all, or does DH object to the very sight of this child, who was mistakely there in the first place? This is so bizarrely controlling of a situation that should have just passed when the group event ended with nothing said!

I'm betting, though, that you did not call him out on making that phone call because you yourself fear setting him off and making him angry at you and your child. You fear that with good reason. He is jaw-droppingly self-centered. Not normal, OP.

Re-read this sentence in your post above too, I beg you: My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper." You do know, OP, that you are running out of time to protect your child from being affected badly, for life, by his father's perfectionism, control and "my way or the highway" personality, right?

I posted much earlier and I was NOT one of the "divorce!" posters. But if DH won't go to therapy, you need to be in therapy ASAP to dig into why you allow yourself to live like this and why you tolerate walking on eggshells and raising a child who is learning to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to this?

This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).

An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.

I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.

He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.

He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.

I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).

When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.

How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.

By the way, such situations occur regularly.

Thanks in advance.

If this is real, it reminds me of Sleeping With The Enemy.

I thought the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These threads just make me so so grateful. I leave cups on the counter in the morning and DH leaves snack bowls on the coffee table at night. And neither of us cares because…it doesn’t matter.

+1

I thought about this as we were enjoying watching TV together tonight and neither of us lifting a finger to go wash the dishes (and we really do have to wash; for reasons I won't get into, we don't have a dishwasher). Nice evening. Did a few dishes, late -- together. Just no big deal.

Another +1. I don’t even think 2 breakfast dishes on the counter would even make my radar. I’d just rinse them off and pop them in the dishwasher and carry on with my day.

We keep a pretty tidy household, but with 3 kids, 2 parents with full time jobs, and lots of extracurriculars/activities we are often rushing out the door. As grown adults, we simply clean up messes based on who currently has the time to do it. Especially when it involves the kids, in which case there is no “his” mess or “my” mess.

[Anonymous]

I’m married to someone like your husband. He’s an unhappy angry entitled control freak. I’m getting out- albeit, too late - the damage is done. Get out if you can. This isn’t fixable. I could’ve written your post verbatim. It only gets worse.

[Anonymous]

He got a FREE Sunday to do whatever he wanted while you took the kid to an all day activity.

And he texted you about 2 plates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

Other than you working and his mom being a SAHM, you and your son are repeating the behavior of his mom and him as a child. He turned into his dad. His dad probably had parents like him and his wife, and probably felt the same as a child. Think about that.

Don’t frame it in a way that only lets you find the easiest way to keep him from being angry in the present. Think about it in a way that teaches your son that he doesn’t have to repress his own feelings to make someone else happy or bear the brunt of someone else’s anger when they’re unhappy. Also think about how you can teach your son by example that he doesn’t automatically get to have a wife and son who will bend over backwards to appease his every whim just because that’s how he was raised. How can you help your son not to become his father? Can you imagine someone posting what you wrote about that sweet little boy in a few decades? (It’s not fair for it to be all your responsibility, but your DH isn’t asking for opinions and doesn’t seem like he would want to change the cycle. You’re already part of the cycle, and you can find a way to break it or you can vm help it continue.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

Dear God, the whole incident in bold is a gigantic, neon red sign saying he's the most self-centered adult possible. Did you call him out for this insanely insulting behavior? His call was profoundly out of line, FFS. Did I read it right? He called the mom who was not even the mom of the disliked boy, herself??, but who in total innocence invited the child to a GROUP event, not knowing it would trigger his ire? OP, you DO realize that your DH is setting your entire family up to be pariahs, right? And did the boy even interact with your DH at all, or does DH object to the very sight of this child, who was mistakely there in the first place? This is so bizarrely controlling of a situation that should have just passed when the group event ended with nothing said!

I'm betting, though, that you did not call him out on making that phone call because you yourself fear setting him off and making him angry at you and your child. You fear that with good reason. He is jaw-droppingly self-centered. Not normal, OP.

Re-read this sentence in your post above too, I beg you: My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper." You do know, OP, that you are running out of time to protect your child from being affected badly, for life, by his father's perfectionism, control and "my way or the highway" personality, right?

I posted much earlier and I was NOT one of the "divorce!" posters. But if DH won't go to therapy, you need to be in therapy ASAP to dig into why you allow yourself to live like this and why you tolerate walking on eggshells and raising a child who is learning to do the same.

The son and OP don’t like him. The son specifically asked that he not come but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. The dad honestly was helping here making it about him and his rest needs and not involving the parents of the problem kid. It says they are friends with each other. This incidence I actually think was kind. Maybe the dad thought he was doing his son a favor too. If I got a call like that from a friend I would be fine with it. Maybe OP should have said something since she didn’t want him either but really no harm done here.

[Anonymous]

A lot of military men are like this DH. It just comes with the territory but they are more laxed on other things. If you marry a military guy who is into order you kind of have to roll with the texts about dishes and stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like his focus on "respect". Does he think he is a sort of king who needs to be served? Or does he think manhood means being served? Is he black? Sometimes AA get sucked into this mentality (always demanding "respect"), ask a black woman, we know--not that all men we know are like this but it is a presence in some in the community.

OP here. My husband is not AA. We have Western European roots. Still, respect is a huge issue with him, because he does not seem to be getting much in his job.

Not surprising he’s not getting much respect in his job. I’d imagine he’s hated bc his co workers likely see him as the loser that he is. You need to get out of this marriage now, not once he gets fired and you’ll be on the hook for alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.

He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.

The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.

Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.

My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."

My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.

Dear God, the whole incident in bold is a gigantic, neon red sign saying he's the most self-centered adult possible. Did you call him out for this insanely insulting behavior? His call was profoundly out of line, FFS. Did I read it right? He called the mom who was not even the mom of the disliked boy, herself??, but who in total innocence invited the child to a GROUP event, not knowing it would trigger his ire? OP, you DO realize that your DH is setting your entire family up to be pariahs, right? And did the boy even interact with your DH at all, or does DH object to the very sight of this child, who was mistakely there in the first place? This is so bizarrely controlling of a situation that should have just passed when the group event ended with nothing said!

I'm betting, though, that you did not call him out on making that phone call because you yourself fear setting him off and making him angry at you and your child. You fear that with good reason. He is jaw-droppingly self-centered. Not normal, OP.

Re-read this sentence in your post above too, I beg you: My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper." You do know, OP, that you are running out of time to protect your child from being affected badly, for life, by his father's perfectionism, control and "my way or the highway" personality, right?

I posted much earlier and I was NOT one of the "divorce!" posters. But if DH won't go to therapy, you need to be in therapy ASAP to dig into why you allow yourself to live like this and why you tolerate walking on eggshells and raising a child who is learning to do the same.

OP here. PP, thanks for your input. Sadly, I realize that you are right about everything.

No, I did not criticize him for calling the other mom, even though I knew that such behavior damaged us socially.

And no, he didn't interact at all with the disliked boy, he merely saw him play in the living room with the other kids while he (my husband) was on his way to the bedroom.

I am most concerned about my son eventually considering his father's behavior normal. He already spoke to me in a commanding tone a few times, like " please close the window. You can leave the room now."

I really should talk to a therapist.