stubborn senior declaring she would rather die falling at home than go into a nursing home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your mom.

Also if she doesn’t have money for assisted living or aides, her nursing home will be simply awful. A relative was in a triple room in a Medicaid nursing home. It was gross and zero privacy. They basically just laid there and watched tv.

My inlaw was forced in a loud common room with the tv blaring. They weren't allowed to stay in their room all day. That would have been better.

I never understand the tvs blaring all the time at these places.

Most of them are hard of hearing and tv is easier than organized activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

Okay, have you actually figured out how this will work when the time comes? Because when you are old and approaching infirmary, you’ve not going to have a lot of options. Is there a cliff near you? Or have you hoarded enough heroin to OD on? You better time it so you can still administer it. Your kids aren’t going to want to help you kill yourself, and if they did, they’d be opening themselves up to murder charges. If you wait until you have a stroke or something and can’t do it yourself, you’re SOL.

Bottom line: This all sounds good in theory, and I hear healthy people say it all the time but “when the time comes I’ll jump off a cliff” is not a plan. If you’re serious, make a real plan, and if you’re not or it makes you too uncomfortable, you’re leaving your kids in the same boat as everyone else: trying to manage end of life care for someone who stubbornly says “no nursing home for me!” but has no alternative. And it’s a sh*tty place to be.

I'm younger, but my plan is to go to a doctor and complain about panic attacks to get a good anti-anxiety med, and combine that with a bottle of tequila and a bath. I guess if I can't get the anti-anxiety meds, then a bottle of Zz-quil would work. This just doesn't seem that complicated...famous people seem to do it all the time.

My sister is a psychiatrist and she has told me most people actually don't manage to die when the try to kill themselves using pills.

ANd many people who jump just wind up disbaling themselves.

It's actually pretty challenging to deliberately die.

This thread is morbidly interesting. What about fentanyl? The warnings that just a speck can kill.

Do you know how to get fentanyl? I don’t.

No, but I’d guess Mexico because that’s where I hear about fentanyl contamination of other products.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

You sound very healthy at age 70, pp, but OP's mom may not be as healthy as you are at age 70.

My sister is 70, and she rows crew. She'll live to 100.

Some folk aren't so lucky, though, or they make bad choices earlier in life, and suffer the consequences later.

Good luck to you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is 90 and still in good condition. She's still working because she wants to, not because she needs to. And she's in good shape. That said, she's still 90 and we know it. But Dad was 6 years older and passed 3 years ago when he was 93. He had some short stints of going into rehabilitation and he hated those stays and never wanted to stay there. He wanted to leave as soon as he could get anyone to sign off on letting him come home. Mom cared for him at home, so she fully understands that those facilities are like.

My mother has a DNR and orders not to perform any actions that would prolong her life. She is living at home by herself and she cares for herself. The kids all live out of state, but we have a family friend who lives 1 mile from her and checks in on her about every other day. She also has friends that she sees a couple of times a week and they would (and have) called me if they could not get a hold of her.

It's not ideal, but in the long run, I know that she is much happier at home than she would be in an assisted living facility and she's lived a long and full life. So we respect her decision and we check in on her regularly and we stagger our visits with her so that she has kids or grandkids visiting as often as possible. I think that cutting her life short by a few months is better than her living what she would consider a living h*ll for a few years. I would rather she be happy with her life than have a longer unhappy life.

I agree. We promised our mom that she wouldn’t go to a nursing home. When she fell ill, we rearranged our schedules to help her. Not just her kids, but her grandchildren as well. She died peacefully at home and I am so glad we kept our promise. She was 87. She was also welcome to live with any of us, if the situation came to that, but she wanted to live in her home. It was the least we could do for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never put my parents in a nursing home. EVER! That is cruel and unusual punishment. It is EVIL to put your parents in a nursing home. EVIL!

If your demented parent breaks your arm, how many times is too much? Or do you just goes through your bones like matchsticks?

What about your children, seeing this happen to you? Or to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - read the book Being Mortal. It sheds light on the medical and institutional way we handle aging/end of life in our country. It gave me more compassion for my "stubborn" parents who insist on staying in their completely impractical home. It's their choice, and I now know that there are no perfect answers to these questions.

Choices have consequences.

That's exactly the point. Choices do have consequences, but if your parent is of sound mind, she gets to make them nonetheless. You can set boundaries of what you are willing or not willing to do. But the truth is you have no way of knowing how she will pass or what the best choice will be. It's not as clear cut as nursing home good, aging at home bad. There are real negatives to each and your mom can pick her poison.

It is upsetting and frustrating to have a parent who won't accept help or advice on these things, but that seems to be just part of it. If you can detach yourself a little and enjoy her while you have her, you will be better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never put my parents in a nursing home. EVER! That is cruel and unusual punishment. It is EVIL to put your parents in a nursing home. EVIL!

If your demented parent breaks your arm, how many times is too much? Or do you just goes through your bones like matchsticks?

What about your children, seeing this happen to you? Or to them?

What if your father is an evil racist prejudiced old bully who makes up mean nicknames for your children? Should I have him come live with us? He Also swears and calls me names,

[Anonymous]

Basically what happens is:
1) things decline slowly and you periodically find out how much worse it is and scramble to try to shore things up at the expense of your job and family
2) there’s a fall or a surgery or other health crisis
3) there’s a brief stay in a rehab hospital
4) return to 1 or the rehab hospital authorities help you force the person into long term nursing care or hospice

You can stay in 1-3 for a really long time. So if this is your mother’s wishes, you have to accept that you will have to set boundaries in order to not get dragged under water. She can make this decision, but she can’t force you to exceed your capacity to help with the consequences. That part is UP TO YOU.

And look, for many of us we choose to make Herculean efforts and let other things hang by a thread because we love our parents and we want to help. But that is your choice and you have to own it as early as you can. If you fall into the trap of feeling like your mother controls you, it will be harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

So what's your plan to not F over your kids when you get older and can't live independently anymore? Or do you not care about them?

I don't have any kids. I live in a state with assisted suicide.

Pray tell, why are you on a parenting chat board then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

So what's your plan to not F over your kids when you get older and can't live independently anymore? Or do you not care about them?

I don't have any kids. I live in a state with assisted suicide.

Pray tell, why are you on a parenting chat board then?

This is the “midlife concerns and elder care” board. Perhaps pp has elderly parents and will obviously get old themselves in the future. This topic has nothing to do with actual parenting. If you don’t like their comments…move along. You sound jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

So what's your plan to not F over your kids when you get older and can't live independently anymore? Or do you not care about them?

I don't have any kids. I live in a state with assisted suicide.

Pray tell, why are you on a parenting chat board then?

This is the “midlife concerns and elder care” board. Perhaps pp has elderly parents and will obviously get old themselves in the future. This topic has nothing to do with actual parenting. If you don’t like their comments…move along. You sound jealous.

Jealous of what? Being a non-parent who spends their evenings posting on DC Urban Moms and Dads?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Here's what happens in most cases:

1. Senior refuses help.
2. Senior has a series of accidents, and suddenly realizes they need help.
3. Family has to scramble to find it.

The people who claim they'll kill themselves when the time comes, NEVER DO. As posters have said, it's psychologically very challenging to go through with such an act. Only extreme pain and despair makes people want to die, and this is why assisted suicide laws exist (or should exist).

It's so predictable it's laughable. OP and myself and countless others cannot force our parents to plan for the future. Also, WE OURSELVES are likely to end up feeling independent long after we shouldn't, just because it's what our human brains do. It's very hard to give up independence. Most of us will have to be convinced to give it up. Let's all hope we can be reasonable when the time comes.

Bingo. Finding a nursing home at the last minute is expensive and stressful. My parents didn't care though. That was our "duty" to them. They watched us struggle and did nothing. They never planned ahead because they wanted to live in their home forever. They ate organic vegetables after all. They were healthy until they weren't. I will never do that do my own children.

[Anonymous]

I kind of get where she's coming from. I'd rather die at home too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is 90 and still in good condition. She's still working because she wants to, not because she needs to. And she's in good shape. That said, she's still 90 and we know it. But Dad was 6 years older and passed 3 years ago when he was 93. He had some short stints of going into rehabilitation and he hated those stays and never wanted to stay there. He wanted to leave as soon as he could get anyone to sign off on letting him come home. Mom cared for him at home, so she fully understands that those facilities are like.

My mother has a DNR and orders not to perform any actions that would prolong her life. She is living at home by herself and she cares for herself. The kids all live out of state, but we have a family friend who lives 1 mile from her and checks in on her about every other day. She also has friends that she sees a couple of times a week and they would (and have) called me if they could not get a hold of her.

It's not ideal, but in the long run, I know that she is much happier at home than she would be in an assisted living facility and she's lived a long and full life. So we respect her decision and we check in on her regularly and we stagger our visits with her so that she has kids or grandkids visiting as often as possible. I think that cutting her life short by a few months is better than her living what she would consider a living h*ll for a few years. I would rather she be happy with her life than have a longer unhappy life.

I agree. We promised our mom that she wouldn’t go to a nursing home. When she fell ill, we rearranged our schedules to help her. Not just her kids, but her grandchildren as well. She died peacefully at home and I am so glad we kept our promise. She was 87. She was also welcome to live with any of us, if the situation came to that, but she wanted to live in her home. It was the least we could do for her.

I agree with you both. My dad died of cancer at home. I would never send anyone I loved to live in a nursing home unless they wanted to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

So what's your plan to not F over your kids when you get older and can't live independently anymore? Or do you not care about them?

I don't have any kids. I live in a state with assisted suicide.

Pray tell, why are you on a parenting chat board then?

This is the “midlife concerns and elder care” board. Perhaps pp has elderly parents and will obviously get old themselves in the future. This topic has nothing to do with actual parenting. If you don’t like their comments…move along. You sound jealous.

Jealous of what? Being a non-parent who spends their evenings posting on DC Urban Moms and Dads?

If "you're not a parent!" is the best you can come up with in a discussion of how to deal with issues related to elderly parents then you are the one with the problem. LOTS of people who don't "qualify" by your standards read and post on DCUM, try opening your mind a little.