stubborn senior declaring she would rather die falling at home than go into a nursing home

[Anonymous]

My mom is 70 and fine living by herself, but we had this conversation about nursing homes. She said she won't sign a health care POA and would rather make her own decisions even when she loses mental capacity and doesn't want to live in a nursing home under any circumstances. Having recently visited a relative with dementia in a nursing home, I get where she's coming from, but don't think staying at home is a great option for someone who should be in a nursing home. There's not money for assisted living or home health aides, unfortunately. We live in different states, and she doesn't want to move. What advice do you have for me?

[Anonymous]

have gratitude for a parent that has clearly expressed her wishes.

[Anonymous]

Just say okay for now. You can always go to court to get PoA later when it's needed.

[Anonymous]

As someone who just put her recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's mom into Assisted living and did all of the POA stuff my advice is to have her buy long-term care insurance. It's more expensive at her age, but AL is incredibly expensive and it's so worth it.

FWIW, my mom did fall alone in her apartment and nearly died as a result. Fortunately, the neighbors heard her screaming. After an all day reconstructive surgery and a month and a half in hospital/rehab, my condition was that she go to AL in order to stay where she was living (she's also in another state and refused to move).
I had to do a lot of guilt tripping (you almost died- please don't put me through that again etc...) I was able to easily get her to sign a POA because it's far too confusing for her to manage her doctors appointments/ meds etc (2 or 3 years ago she would have thrown an absolute fit about it).
I wouldn't wish what we went through on anyone. For now, get your mom to buy long term care insurance and watch her closely for signs that she is struggling to care for herself (bruises from falls, memory issues etc). Things change.

[Anonymous]

I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

So what's your plan to not F over your kids when you get older and can't live independently anymore? Or do you not care about them?

[Anonymous]

Well, at least you know what she wants.

My anti-vax aunt came down with Covid last year, and insisted she did not want to consult a doctor or go to the hospital. She died in her sleep several days into her Covid illness. My mother felt a lot of resentful against my aunt's husband, who did not call an ambulance. On the other hand my aunt was adamant.

You might have some hard decisions in the future, OP. Ask her every now and then, just to check she hasn't changed her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

I don’t think the OP is trying to ship her mom off to a home now. I think she’s trying to get her to plan ahead.

My parents are 79/80 and no where near as capable as they were a decade ago and it’s still so hard to have this conversation with them. Total denial about age and end of life. Just last month it came as a “total shock” that an 82 year old friend died in the hospital while waiting for medical clearance for a heart bypass.

I hope you’re making arrangements for yourself other than a nursing home or a swan dive - or you have excellent timing to take that dive before someone else is burdened with having to make those decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

So what's your plan to not F over your kids when you get older and can't live independently anymore? Or do you not care about them?

I don't have any kids. I live in a state with assisted suicide.

[Anonymous]

I struggled with this a lot and got a lot of therapy. I have many obligations of my own and stressors and mom seemed to think I should just be at her beckon call. She also believed in taking advantage of the kindness of neighbors and they clearly no longer liked her.

First, you make your boundaries known. The more self-centered ones think it's no trouble to repeatedly upend your life as needed and the gratitude fades off so you need to really figure out what you can handle especially if you don't even get a warm fuzzy feeling because mom sees you as a servant. You want to make sure she understands your limits and in my case tantrums ensued.

You accept if she dies or gets seriously injured in her own while deemed cognitively OK she made these choices and died or got hurt living life on her terms.

If she ends up in the hospital you make sure the social worker knows how dire the home situation is and your boundaries. Some will try to guilt trip you into x, y and Z.Be comfortable with declining what you cannot do so they find the appropriate setting/situation.

Use this all to help you figure out how not to take advantage of and burn out your own children when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, at least you know what she wants.

My anti-vax aunt came down with Covid last year, and insisted she did not want to consult a doctor or go to the hospital. She died in her sleep several days into her Covid illness. My mother felt a lot of resentful against my aunt's husband, who did not call an ambulance. On the other hand my aunt was adamant.

You might have some hard decisions in the future, OP. Ask her every now and then, just to check she hasn't changed her mind.

Your mother can feel whatever she wants, but I certainly hope she didn't say anything to your uncle. Your aunt made her wishes known and they were respected. Assuming she isn't seriously mentally ill of cognitively impaired her wishes should be respected.

Have you seen what the end looks like for many? It's a pretty awful tortuous ordeal. May we all be so fortunate as to pass in our sleep when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Let her fall

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

So what's your plan to not F over your kids when you get older and can't live independently anymore? Or do you not care about them?

I don't have any kids. I live in a state with assisted suicide.

Not having children makes this a much les complicated situation. PP, do you have a living will or other specific guidance for your treatment wishes? If not, that might be a good thing. accidents happen unexpectedly, and you seem to have a clear-sighted view of how you want your life to go. That should be respected.

Regardless, make sure that if you have one, it is easy to find and someone is aware of it.

[Anonymous]

^^less complicated

[Anonymous]

There are several options in between living alone and going to a nursing home. Independent living places allow the independence but have much more of a safety net as well as socialization. Assisted living is a higher level of care. Maybe if you talk about these options it would be better than jumping right to nursing home, which are indeed depressing places.

Also 70 is quite young to be thinking about this unless she has major health issues. My parent just moved to independent living at 85. Your mother may change her mind in another 10-15 years.