stubborn senior declaring she would rather die falling at home than go into a nursing home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

So what's your plan to not F over your kids when you get older and can't live independently anymore? Or do you not care about them?

the morbid reality is that you might fall and not die, and then live with unbelievable suffering. and then you will be dependent on others for care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were 70 and in good health and my kids were already pressing me about nursing homes I’d be pissed too.

Jesus Christ, OP give it a rest. Circle back to her in a few years.

Okay. If you had a stroke, or a fall and broke your hip, or some other catastrophic health event, you would be expecting to handle the time after discharge care and possibly needing assistance all on your own, is that right?

Because if the plan is to have your kids drop the rope on their lives and come figure things out for you, then they kind of have a right to ask a few questions about that in advance.

You sound like a real peach.

The problem is the PP you are responding to. The problem is the folks who refuse to think through all of the scenarios and then put others in a position to pick up the pieces.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your mom.

Also if she doesn’t have money for assisted living or aides, her nursing home will be simply awful. A relative was in a triple room in a Medicaid nursing home. It was gross and zero privacy. They basically just laid there and watched tv.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your mom.

Also if she doesn’t have money for assisted living or aides, her nursing home will be simply awful. A relative was in a triple room in a Medicaid nursing home. It was gross and zero privacy. They basically just laid there and watched tv.

I mean that doesn’t sound too bad. What else could they do?

And you’ve got some friends.

[Anonymous]

her nursing home will be simply awful.

*Will* be is just not accurate

[Anonymous]

Borrowing trouble IS what most of you are doing. Getting all worked up, well in advance ... what if this happens, or that happens. Thinking the right plan will be your salvation.

When you are faced with tragedy, something horrific -- in the future, you with the help of others, will deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your mom.

Also if she doesn’t have money for assisted living or aides, her nursing home will be simply awful. A relative was in a triple room in a Medicaid nursing home. It was gross and zero privacy. They basically just laid there and watched tv.

My inlaw was forced in a loud common room with the tv blaring. They weren't allowed to stay in their room all day. That would have been better.

[Anonymous]

OP - read the book Being Mortal. It sheds light on the medical and institutional way we handle aging/end of life in our country. It gave me more compassion for my "stubborn" parents who insist on staying in their completely impractical home. It's their choice, and I now know that there are no perfect answers to these questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - read the book Being Mortal. It sheds light on the medical and institutional way we handle aging/end of life in our country. It gave me more compassion for my "stubborn" parents who insist on staying in their completely impractical home. It's their choice, and I now know that there are no perfect answers to these questions.

Choices have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Borrowing trouble IS what most of you are doing. Getting all worked up, well in advance ... what if this happens, or that happens. Thinking the right plan will be your salvation.

When you are faced with tragedy, something horrific -- in the future, you with the help of others, will deal with it.

This isn’t a car accident. Aging is reality whether you want to face that or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I struggled with this a lot and got a lot of therapy. I have many obligations of my own and stressors and mom seemed to think I should just be at her beckon call. She also believed in taking advantage of the kindness of neighbors and they clearly no longer liked her.

First, you make your boundaries known. The more self-centered ones think it's no trouble to repeatedly upend your life as needed and the gratitude fades off so you need to really figure out what you can handle especially if you don't even get a warm fuzzy feeling because mom sees you as a servant. You want to make sure she understands your limits and in my case tantrums ensued.

You accept if she dies or gets seriously injured in her own while deemed cognitively OK she made these choices and died or got hurt living life on her terms.

If she ends up in the hospital you make sure the social worker knows how dire the home situation is and your boundaries. Some will try to guilt trip you into x, y and Z.Be comfortable with declining what you cannot do so they find the appropriate setting/situation.

Use this all to help you figure out how not to take advantage of and burn out your own children when the time comes.

Beck and call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your mom.

Also if she doesn’t have money for assisted living or aides, her nursing home will be simply awful. A relative was in a triple room in a Medicaid nursing home. It was gross and zero privacy. They basically just laid there and watched tv.

My inlaw was forced in a loud common room with the tv blaring. They weren't allowed to stay in their room all day. That would have been better.

I never understand the tvs blaring all the time at these places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

Okay, have you actually figured out how this will work when the time comes? Because when you are old and approaching infirmary, you’ve not going to have a lot of options. Is there a cliff near you? Or have you hoarded enough heroin to OD on? You better time it so you can still administer it. Your kids aren’t going to want to help you kill yourself, and if they did, they’d be opening themselves up to murder charges. If you wait until you have a stroke or something and can’t do it yourself, you’re SOL.

Bottom line: This all sounds good in theory, and I hear healthy people say it all the time but “when the time comes I’ll jump off a cliff” is not a plan. If you’re serious, make a real plan, and if you’re not or it makes you too uncomfortable, you’re leaving your kids in the same boat as everyone else: trying to manage end of life care for someone who stubbornly says “no nursing home for me!” but has no alternative. And it’s a sh*tty place to be.

Not everyone has “kids.” Try reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were 70 and in good health and my kids were already pressing me about nursing homes I’d be pissed too.

Jesus Christ, OP give it a rest. Circle back to her in a few years.

Okay. If you had a stroke, or a fall and broke your hip, or some other catastrophic health event, you would be expecting to handle the time after discharge care and possibly needing assistance all on your own, is that right?

Because if the plan is to have your kids drop the rope on their lives and come figure things out for you, then they kind of have a right to ask a few questions about that in advance.

You sound like a real peach.

I do notice that you did not answer the question.

There’s nothing to answer. In my particular case, I got plenty of money to fund whatever care I need when I’m older. I also have a great relationship with my kids and don’t worry about any of this. But, should it turn out that nobody wants to help me out, well, then I guess I spend their inheritance.

Oh, you gave the answer, but you just didn't acknowledge it. The question was: "Okay. If you had a stroke, or a fall and broke your hip, or some other catastrophic health event, you would be expecting to handle the time after discharge care and possibly needing assistance all on your own, is that right?"

Your answer appears to be "That's right." Thanks.

DP, but your smug pseudosuperiority is wildly misplaced. Go touch grass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were 70 and in good health and my kids were already pressing me about nursing homes I’d be pissed too.

Jesus Christ, OP give it a rest. Circle back to her in a few years.

Okay. If you had a stroke, or a fall and broke your hip, or some other catastrophic health event, you would be expecting to handle the time after discharge care and possibly needing assistance all on your own, is that right?

Because if the plan is to have your kids drop the rope on their lives and come figure things out for you, then they kind of have a right to ask a few questions about that in advance.

You sound like a real peach.

I do notice that you did not answer the question.

There’s nothing to answer. In my particular case, I got plenty of money to fund whatever care I need when I’m older. I also have a great relationship with my kids and don’t worry about any of this. But, should it turn out that nobody wants to help me out, well, then I guess I spend their inheritance.

Oh, you gave the answer, but you just didn't acknowledge it. The question was: "Okay. If you had a stroke, or a fall and broke your hip, or some other catastrophic health event, you would be expecting to handle the time after discharge care and possibly needing assistance all on your own, is that right?"

Your answer appears to be "That's right." Thanks.

DP, but your smug pseudosuperiority is wildly misplaced. Go touch grass.

Aren't you smugly clever yourself? No, I don't think I will.

But I will rest easy in having made reasonable preparations for entirely expected outcomes in my life. Good luck.