stubborn senior declaring she would rather die falling at home than go into a nursing home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

Well, you’re not the one that will have to worry about their mom falling down the stairs and slowly dying while laying in their own feces. And you won’t have to deal with the fact that no one noticed for says as the decay started to set in. That is the special gift you will leave to your kids. So kind!

Kids who want to put their parents in nursing homes are evil sadists.

My uncle's wife had her arm broken by her father, staying with them. He sundowned all the time. This time she didn't get away fast enough. Of course, the bone was broken, but her skin was clawed up as well.

Yeah, that's the point where she agreed to be honest with his medical providers about what was happening. He didn't live with them anymore after that. What an evil sadist, the little self-preserving b---h.

You are horrible. She had dementia and her mind was gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

Well, you’re not the one that will have to worry about their mom falling down the stairs and slowly dying while laying in their own feces. And you won’t have to deal with the fact that no one noticed for says as the decay started to set in. That is the special gift you will leave to your kids. So kind!

Kids who want to put their parents in nursing homes are evil sadists.

My uncle's wife had her arm broken by her father, staying with them. He sundowned all the time. This time she didn't get away fast enough. Of course, the bone was broken, but her skin was clawed up as well.

Yeah, that's the point where she agreed to be honest with his medical providers about what was happening. He didn't live with them anymore after that. What an evil sadist, the little self-preserving b---h.

You are horrible. She had dementia and her mind was gone.

You can't read. It's her father.

How many bones should she let him break, to stay home? What about cracking her head when he throws her down? Was the price supposed to be her life, enough, to make her a good girl?

Here's the real question: what parent would want their child to bear up under that kind of abuse? MY parents were very clear that if they were hurting others, we were supposed to make the hard choices. because they were good people, and if they lost their minds, they sure as hell didn't want to take others with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, at least you know what she wants.

My anti-vax aunt came down with Covid last year, and insisted she did not want to consult a doctor or go to the hospital. She died in her sleep several days into her Covid illness. My mother felt a lot of resentful against my aunt's husband, who did not call an ambulance. On the other hand my aunt was adamant.

You might have some hard decisions in the future, OP. Ask her every now and then, just to check she hasn't changed her mind.

Honestly, I don't think older people should be saved from an quick death through painful medical invention or storage in a horrible nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Old people should have a compassionate alternative to a slow mo death.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you, because my parents also refused to make any realistic plan for their inevitable decline and now of course after a series of crises we are in a situation where I am the one having to deal with everything. They have plenty of money and resources but it still sucks. Without that it would be just a disaster.

What I tried to tell my parents, which did not work, is that by failing to plan in advance they limit their options and make it **more likely** that they will be in an unpleasant situation not of their choosing.

If an elder could just live at home unsafely and one day just hit their head and die there on the floor, that might be the preferred option. The more likely scenario is that the elder will not die and will instead be hospitalized but now unable to go home because home is not safe and there is no one there to provide care. That means a mad scramble for whatever nursing home is available, which is not going to be the best possible nursing home, but whatever one has an empty bed.

I would not want be in a nursing home either. There are certainly some good ones, like the religious nonprofits, but there are some profit based ones that are hellholes. Also it’s not the same as home. I would certainly try to stay out of one for as long as possible, and look at assisted-living or other options. If it wasn’t possible to pay for such things I would start wondering about moving closer to family that might be willing to help.

If your relative thinks that they’re just going continue on like they are at age 70 and then one day they will drop dead, that’s likely not how it’s going to be. Even if they don’t develop full on dementia, they will have age-related changes and become increasingly scattered. They will likely become increasingly unable to manage their multitude of medications, to drive, to manage their own affairs. Everyone is different of course, some people stay independent into their 90s while other people lose ground very early on.

There are in between stages between living completely independently and being in a nursing home. If your relative isn’t even considering any of those or thinking about it, that’s the kind of realistic planning I would encourage them to start thinking about.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is going through this now, understand the financial demand will be completely on you if they are broke. By the time they age towards 90, they don't really understand money anymore and think it grows on trees. We have hit an "it needs to be done immediately" crisis so are expected to cough up 40k+ early this week. No concept of any realistic timeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you, because my parents also refused to make any realistic plan for their inevitable decline and now of course after a series of crises we are in a situation where I am the one having to deal with everything. They have plenty of money and resources but it still sucks. Without that it would be just a disaster.

What I tried to tell my parents, which did not work, is that by failing to plan in advance they limit their options and make it **more likely** that they will be in an unpleasant situation not of their choosing.

If an elder could just live at home unsafely and one day just hit their head and die there on the floor, that might be the preferred option. The more likely scenario is that the elder will not die and will instead be hospitalized but now unable to go home because home is not safe and there is no one there to provide care. That means a mad scramble for whatever nursing home is available, which is not going to be the best possible nursing home, but whatever one has an empty bed.

I would not want be in a nursing home either. There are certainly some good ones, like the religious nonprofits, but there are some profit based ones that are hellholes. Also it’s not the same as home. I would certainly try to stay out of one for as long as possible, and look at assisted-living or other options. If it wasn’t possible to pay for such things I would start wondering about moving closer to family that might be willing to help.

If your relative thinks that they’re just going continue on like they are at age 70 and then one day they will drop dead, that’s likely not how it’s going to be. Even if they don’t develop full on dementia, they will have age-related changes and become increasingly scattered. They will likely become increasingly unable to manage their multitude of medications, to drive, to manage their own affairs. Everyone is different of course, some people stay independent into their 90s while other people lose ground very early on.

There are in between stages between living completely independently and being in a nursing home. If your relative isn’t even considering any of those or thinking about it, that’s the kind of realistic planning I would encourage them to start thinking about.

Both my parents were told this over and over and still did nothing. You can drive a horse to water and all that.

[Anonymous]

I went through this and it was very hard. My mom would have no part of any discussions. She fell and was on the floor overnight. I got her to the hospital by saying I would call the police for a welfare check because she could not stand up and lived alone. Once I got her to the ER, she never went home again.

The whole process stinks and the options for people without money suck. This should be the focus of every elected official.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her fall

I have to say I agree with this. It is her choice and one that should be respected up to a point. 70 today for most people is what 62 was 20-30 years ago. 80 plus is where the issues start if there are no other health issues. And for some people it is a lot older than that. So do nothing now and kick the can down the road. She may feel different in 10 years or other heath issues will come into play before that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

Do you worry at all about your horse and dogs if you go days without help in the event of an emergency?

PP is 70. That is not old at all for active people.

[Anonymous]

The people who say “I’ll just kill myself then” are the most deluded of all. No, you won’t. Not when you’re in a rehab hospital with two broken hips. And despite what you may hope, it’s not legal for your kids to simply “pull the plug” because your life is bad — that’s still murder.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

Is this me posting from the future? I’m only 48 and in good health, but I’ve already got my plan. When my quality of life starts to deteriorate, I’m going to get really drunk during a cold snap and pass out on the porch. Old people are at high risk of death from exposure and hypothermia.

Hypothermia-Related Deaths — Wisconsin, 2014, and United States, 2003–2013
Jon Merman, MD, Henry Anderson, MD, and Carrie Tomasallo, PhD

Older persons have impaired heat generation and often multiple comorbidities that increase the risk for death (3). Substance and alcohol abuse can contribute to hypothermia by blunting physiologic responses to cold and can lead to prolonged exposure caused by impaired judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this and it was very hard. My mom would have no part of any discussions. She fell and was on the floor overnight. I got her to the hospital by saying I would call the police for a welfare check because she could not stand up and lived alone. Once I got her to the ER, she never went home again.

The whole process stinks and the options for people without money suck. This should be the focus of every elected official.

Disagree. Aging is not a surprise. People have plenty of time to prepare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

So what's your plan to not F over your kids when you get older and can't live independently anymore? Or do you not care about them?

Oh just you wait until you have to go to a nursing home. As they say, karma’s a B**ch.

DP. It's a fair question, and it's one you don't seem able to answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 70 and I agree with your mom.

I run the dogs, muck out the stables, and ride my horse 6 days a week and I will do a swan dive off a cliff into the ocean before I'll go to a nursing home.

Do you worry at all about your horse and dogs if you go days without help in the event of an emergency?

PP is 70. That is not old at all for active people.

I'm the person with horses and dogs. I feel better now than I did at 45, but I have a friend who will take the animals if I get hit by a truck or something similar. Everyone should have a plan for their dependents.