If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a book of short stories by Douglas Coupland called Life After God. In it, in one of the stories, a man is at his mother’s house after a divorce. She tells him that no couple is in love forever, that when the love fades you have friendship and companionship. She also goes on to say that all people are flawed and finding your person to grow cold with is not about finding someone without flaws - it’s finding a person where you say “these are the flaws and problems I choose”.

Of course people from dysfunctional families deserve love and a chance to change and break patterns. But no one owes them the service of being patient with them while they work through their issues. That is to say, some people will be able to work with the dysfunction but others cannot. It is not a moral failing to not want to deal with someone else’s issues and growth process. It’s not a moral failing to not want to inherit toxic, dysfunctional in-laws and/or family drama. My family is not perfect, but they are very stable and drama free, almost boringly so. When I chose a spouse, I wanted someone who came from a similarly stable and supportive family.

OP here. I would never suggest that anyone has a duty to befriend a dysfunctional person, help them through their issues, and certainly not MARRY them. Of course not.

I'm saying I don't understand why people are often angry and cruel to people from dysfunctional backgrounds. Telling them to "get over it" for instance. Gossiping about them, etc. When I encounter a dysfunctional person I don't want to deal with, I think "there but for the grace of God go I" and move along. I don't say nasty things to or about them (why?) or act superior. So why wouldn't a person from a good background be able to do this?

Many of your friends’ parents probably aren’t as kind and empathetic behind closed doors as you’d like to believe. Heaps of everyday classism and casual racism learned from parents. Their kids are sheltered and have nice lives and have had little experience that breeds humility or empathy.

[Anonymous]

Op, dId not read the whole thread. I think many people who have dysfunction in their lives become EV emotional vampire. They are tedious to be with and they are not contributing to your joy or well being, instead they ar Debbie Downers, Maybe they can’t help their behavior, but they expect support and your time.

Those who have overcome their dysfunction are usually not looking for sympathy or a supportive listening from you. In other words they are not needy, clingy, whiny and entitled.

To be frank, the fact that you started this thread and are now arguing your point makes me peg you as an emotional vampire. People just don,t want to be with such people. NORMAL people from functional families are self sufficient emotionally or they have relationships with family members and friends that meet their needs. They do not expect to have emotionally fulfilling relationship with everyone because they understand the boundaries of others and they also protect their own boundaries.

In the light of my words, go reread everything that you have written. You are needy with people who are not interested in or equipped to meet your needs or understand your behavior and that is very uncomfortable for others.

In short, your question should have been asked to your therapist.

[Anonymous]

Study Dr Ramani on YouTube.

I gray rock people who are perpetually dysfunctional regardless of if they have come from functional or dysfunctional families. This is to save my own sanity. I am an empathic and kind person. I am a magnet for dysfunctional people. I am still good for 1 good listening session for 10 minutes only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Study Dr Ramani on YouTube.

I gray rock people who are perpetually dysfunctional regardless of if they have come from functional or dysfunctional families. This is to save my own sanity. I am an empathic and kind person. I am a magnet for dysfunctional people. I am still good for 1 good listening session for 10 minutes only.

This sounds dysfunctional to me. I’m going to give people what I can and set boundaries where and when needed. But I’m not going to declare “only one 10 minute listening session” to a friend in need or a family member struggling. People aren’t widgets and life shouldn’t be transactional. But you do you.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to know your audience. I come from dysfunction and I only discuss it with others who do because they get it. I broke the cycle and have a good marriage. I don't brag about that to anyone, but I really am the wrong person to vent to about a husband. I have a long list of major life stressors going on and do not have the bandwidth for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this is true. People from highly functional families tend to tell you that there's no alcoholism, no divorce, no whatever in their families, in a proud tone.

It's all very complicated. Have a friend who grew up raised in a religion where it's your duty to have a big family and present it as functional and even aspirational. House was always pristine and everyone seemed to be beautiful, athletic and get straight As. Lots of loving family time. They had the perfect Christmas cards and letters and prided themselves on being the perfect family. So fast forward 3 out of 6 adult kids have left the religion and estranged from family. Another got divorced due to infidelity and her parents are livid they didn't work things out through the church and they are desperate to get her married off. Two others still in the religion are in unhappy marriages. My friend is one of the estranged ones and through therapy she has realized just how nuts her perfect family was. Parents won't even admit her brother is one of their kids anymore because he came out as gay. She's pretty sure her dad who rejected brother was having a gay affair with someone at the church now that she thinks about some things she walked in on.

[Anonymous]

NP. I find it interesting that there is an assumption in all of these posts that the person who grew up in the dysfunctional family is exhibiting dysfunctional behaviors. Some of us went through years of therapy in an effort to deal with the dysfunction, learn healthier behaviors and reactions, and "break the cycle."

And yet, any discussion of the dysfunction or expression of frustration with it is met with hostility on DCUM - such as the nasty reactions to those of us who posted in the grandparents thread OP referenced about our kids being wholly ignored by neglectful grandparents. In real life, I don't talk about my parents or in laws other than to say (if asked) that they are not helpful or supportive grandparents and aren't involved in our lives. I certainly don't bring those issues to work. There is no drama.

[Anonymous]

It's snobbish. Some people are snobs an feel superior to other people less fortunate or less functioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I find it interesting that there is an assumption in all of these posts that the person who grew up in the dysfunctional family is exhibiting dysfunctional behaviors. Some of us went through years of therapy in an effort to deal with the dysfunction, learn healthier behaviors and reactions, and "break the cycle."

And yet, any discussion of the dysfunction or expression of frustration with it is met with hostility on DCUM - such as the nasty reactions to those of us who posted in the grandparents thread OP referenced about our kids being wholly ignored by neglectful grandparents. In real life, I don't talk about my parents or in laws other than to say (if asked) that they are not helpful or supportive grandparents and aren't involved in our lives. I certainly don't bring those issues to work. There is no drama.

They see themselves in our experiences. Either it hits too close to home because their childhoods weren't as "functional" as they believe or because they are currently "raising" the next generation of people who will one dsy ask themselves, "wtf were my parents thinking?!".

[Anonymous]

Op my experience has been that if someone hasn't had that experience they sometimes simply can't understand or empathise. Everything is good with them so they simply think it should be easy until it isn't. I have seen these types further down the road when they have had issues and then they get it.

My inlaws would say negative comments about the issues in my family, looking down on me. Family is everything, blah blah blah. Now one of the sons and 4 grandchildren don't talk to them. The comments have stopped.

Family friend use to say to my DH, how could you not talk to your brother, he is family. Now two of his sisters refuse to talk to him and are estranged and now he says "oh I get how you don't talk to him, it can be hard".

Friend said to me years ago "how can you have issues with your mother". Years later friend had a falling out with her own mother and she is completely estranged from her and won't let her mother around her children. She just had a 4th child and her mother hasn't met her.

I could give more stories. Point being all these people were judgemental and didn't have the capacity to understand until a situation hit them, completely unexpected. Their family was all close prior to this happening. This is life, sometimes things go wrong. Whereas my relationships have now healed, theirs have crumbled but I don't dismiss their situation, I get it. I think it's one of those things you have to go through to understand. Some people are good with empathy but not everyone. Also as life goes on you see that everything moves like a wave, it will be good only for so long and then something happens. Any one that looks down on others for a tough time, is in for a shock.

[Anonymous]

Just because people come from a 2 parent "functional" family does not mean they were loved and nurtured the way they needed to be. Come on, OP. A lot of people aren't even raised by their parents even though they live in the same household. All to say, they lack empathy. A lot of people do, especially in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I find it interesting that there is an assumption in all of these posts that the person who grew up in the dysfunctional family is exhibiting dysfunctional behaviors. Some of us went through years of therapy in an effort to deal with the dysfunction, learn healthier behaviors and reactions, and "break the cycle."

And yet, any discussion of the dysfunction or expression of frustration with it is met with hostility on DCUM - such as the nasty reactions to those of us who posted in the grandparents thread OP referenced about our kids being wholly ignored by neglectful grandparents. In real life, I don't talk about my parents or in laws other than to say (if asked) that they are not helpful or supportive grandparents and aren't involved in our lives. I certainly don't bring those issues to work. There is no drama.

I totally agree with this. One reason I find it exhausting is that my life and childhood look perfectly functional from the outside -- parents still married, everyone consistently employed and middle or upper middle class, all adult kids finished college and got jobs and married and had kids. One divorce but amicable and friendly. No visible substance abuse or mental health problems.

The reality is WAY different. My parents married very young and are both from abusive, alcoholic homes (incredibly common for baby boomers whose parents were people who lived through both the Great Depression and World War II!). They had... no parenting skills. They were permissive until it backfired on them and then became authoritarian but had no idea how to develop respectful relationships with their kids. Two of their kids have had drug or alcohol problems, but they've been handled discretely. One of their kids has attempted suicide. All of their kids are in therapy. In my case, my therapist and I have worked out that my childhood was one of emotional neglect -- I had food, housing, and clothing and I went to school, so all my physical needs were met. But basically none of my emotional needs were met. I didn't feel safe in my home. It was normal for people in our house to yell and fight at all hours, even in the middle of the night. My parents hit us, and did so with anger and without control, but mostly as spanking that would not be visible to someone else (plus would be defended by many other families who did the same thing). My parents were verbally abusive and often called us names or told us were worthless or stupid. As an adult I've struggled mightily with low self worth because I did not develop a belief in my worthiness as a human at a young age. I've struggled hard with people pleasing and am often drawn to narcissists because I'm so good at accommodating other people's emotional needs -- I did it for 20 years as a child in order to keep myself safe in my home.

The vast majority of the time, I am on top of all of this. I've been in therapy for years, I have a great marriage and a very good relationship with my child, who is loved and validated and listened to, and who I would never yell at, call names, or hit. But during times of high stress, or during the times when I have wound up entangled with someone with narcissistic traits (fortunately never in romantic relationships, which have always been a way for me to escape bad family dynamics -- always at work or in friendships), I can struggle with reverting to my old people pleasing tendencies, subsuming all of my own feelings and needs, and just kind of reliving my childhood. It's happened twice in jobs with crap bosses and it sucks.

And there are people who just can't deal with it when they see this side of me. Like the spell is broken and they can't be in my life anymore. People freak out to see someone struggle. All I can say is that it has made me love the people who are not put off by it, who accept that this is part of my past and that I am not defined by my moments of weakness.

[Anonymous]

Really, it would be better if all these replies just replaced “people” with “women”, because the typical man would have brusquely interrupted or left the scene at the first leak of trauma sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the over-sharing. I don't need or want to hear about every problem you're having or ever had. Keep the drama to yourself.

I admit that this is how I feel too. I only interact with people like this at work (have no patience for them in my regular life) and this is why I am respectful but keep my distance.

Same. My work is different from my private life. In my private life, I choose to stay away from people who essentially want free therapy from me. While I am respectful of their needs, they need to respect that I get to make this choice.

OP here. I'm not talking about people who choose to limit interaction with someone who is behaving in a dysfunctional way. I do that too.

I'm talking about when people are cruel and critical of people who are struggling, whether it's complaining endlessly about their coworker who is negative and angry (the irony of this one) or using "dysfunctional" as an insult. I've just encountered a lot of people from "good" families who are mean when it comes to these issues and it surprises me.

Another thing I've observed. I have a couple friends who are from really loving families with really kind and loving parents (who I adore). When I socialize with these friends, they can be so cutting about people from dysfunctional backgrounds or people who's struggle with mental health, to the point that I've had to distance myself from them because I find their attitude offensive. But since I know their parents, I also know their parents would NEVER talk like that. It really surprises me to hear people from what I know to be really solid upbringings being very intolerant and sometimes cruel towards people who simply don't have their advantages. Is it just ignorance? Do they learn these attitudes from peers and just repeat that instead of following in their parents' tolerant, empathetic footprints? I've never understood this.

Cut it out with the advantage. It’s no one’s fault your parents were alcoholics.

You’re so annoying, that’s why ppl are short.

See, but it's this. There is absolutely no reason for you to be so mean-spirited and cruel. You clearly DON'T get it.

OP is not saying it's anyone's fault. But, it is not too much to expect a little empathy, patience, and understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's snobbish. Some people are snobs an feel superior to other people less fortunate or less functioning.

This is at the root of many things, imo.