If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the over-sharing. I don't need or want to hear about every problem you're having or ever had. Keep the drama to yourself.

I admit that this is how I feel too. I only interact with people like this at work (have no patience for them in my regular life) and this is why I am respectful but keep my distance.

Same. My work is different from my private life. In my private life, I choose to stay away from people who essentially want free therapy from me. While I am respectful of their needs, they need to respect that I get to make this choice.

OP here. I'm not talking about people who choose to limit interaction with someone who is behaving in a dysfunctional way. I do that too.

I'm talking about when people are cruel and critical of people who are struggling, whether it's complaining endlessly about their coworker who is negative and angry (the irony of this one) or using "dysfunctional" as an insult. I've just encountered a lot of people from "good" families who are mean when it comes to these issues and it surprises me.

Another thing I've observed. I have a couple friends who are from really loving families with really kind and loving parents (who I adore). When I socialize with these friends, they can be so cutting about people from dysfunctional backgrounds or people who's struggle with mental health, to the point that I've had to distance myself from them because I find their attitude offensive. But since I know their parents, I also know their parents would NEVER talk like that. It really surprises me to hear people from what I know to be really solid upbringings being very intolerant and sometimes cruel towards people who simply don't have their advantages. Is it just ignorance? Do they learn these attitudes from peers and just repeat that instead of following in their parents' tolerant, empathetic footprints? I've never understood this.

Cut it out with the advantage. It’s no one’s fault your parents were alcoholics.

You’re so annoying, that’s why ppl are short.

See, but it's this. There is absolutely no reason for you to be so mean-spirited and cruel. You clearly DON'T get it.

OP is not saying it's anyone's fault. But, it is not too much to expect a little empathy, patience, and understanding.

It is documented that empathy levels are as low as they’ve been. No surprise. That’s late-stage capitalism for you!

[Anonymous]

Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Study Dr Ramani on YouTube.

I gray rock people who are perpetually dysfunctional regardless of if they have come from functional or dysfunctional families. This is to save my own sanity. I am an empathic and kind person. I am a magnet for dysfunctional people. I am still good for 1 good listening session for 10 minutes only.

This sounds dysfunctional to me. I’m going to give people what I can and set boundaries where and when needed. But I’m not going to declare “only one 10 minute listening session” to a friend in need or a family member struggling. People aren’t widgets and life shouldn’t be transactional. But you do you.

Saying, "I can only handle this for 10 minutes" IS a boundary. Those of us who have been sucked into the void of endless hours of counseling others understand perfectly. Some people will never, ever get enough of your time if you continue to give it. If that's not you, then great! My mother was so kind and giving of her time to her various broken friends and a deacon at her church where she literally worked to help people try to get their lives together. After she passed away, her friends would call ME trying to talk about their various problems. No thanks; I have enough going on in my own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the over-sharing. I don't need or want to hear about every problem you're having or ever had. Keep the drama to yourself.

I admit that this is how I feel too. I only interact with people like this at work (have no patience for them in my regular life) and this is why I am respectful but keep my distance.

Same. My work is different from my private life. In my private life, I choose to stay away from people who essentially want free therapy from me. While I am respectful of their needs, they need to respect that I get to make this choice.

OP here. I'm not talking about people who choose to limit interaction with someone who is behaving in a dysfunctional way. I do that too.

I'm talking about when people are cruel and critical of people who are struggling, whether it's complaining endlessly about their coworker who is negative and angry (the irony of this one) or using "dysfunctional" as an insult. I've just encountered a lot of people from "good" families who are mean when it comes to these issues and it surprises me.

Another thing I've observed. I have a couple friends who are from really loving families with really kind and loving parents (who I adore). When I socialize with these friends, they can be so cutting about people from dysfunctional backgrounds or people who's struggle with mental health, to the point that I've had to distance myself from them because I find their attitude offensive. But since I know their parents, I also know their parents would NEVER talk like that. It really surprises me to hear people from what I know to be really solid upbringings being very intolerant and sometimes cruel towards people who simply don't have their advantages. Is it just ignorance? Do they learn these attitudes from peers and just repeat that instead of following in their parents' tolerant, empathetic footprints? I've never understood this.

Cut it out with the advantage. It’s no one’s fault your parents were alcoholics.

You’re so annoying, that’s why ppl are short.

See, but it's this. There is absolutely no reason for you to be so mean-spirited and cruel. You clearly DON'T get it.

OP is not saying it's anyone's fault. But, it is not too much to expect a little empathy, patience, and understanding.

Yes! OP here and this exchange is a perfect example! "It's no one's fault your parents were alcoholics" is precisely the kind of thing I'm talking about. No one said it was anyone else's fault. This response is very emblematic of dysfunctional relationships. But it is often people who claim to have grown up in functional families who behave this way.

What I'm gathering from this thread is that either these folks are not from functional families (but may be very invested in asserting they are) or we all have different definitions of functional. But it's amazing to see precisely the behavior I'm talking about in this thread, without any self-awareness. Snapping at people, calling them names, choosing to engage with people who deem "annoying" only tell them to be quiet... these are all dysfunctional communication and engagement methods. I think if you do this stuff, it might be time for a little introspection as to why. It's not because other people are "so annoying." It's something inside you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

If you are a people pleaser, you also have dysfunctional and toxic traits. It is very likely that you have been drawn to people like this in the past specifically because of your dysfunction. It's not that your former friend were "bad" and you are "good" -- it's that you were like dysfunctional puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly in a toxic puzzle. You are damaged. You have challenges.

I am a former people pleaser who learned to be that way because my parents, and especially my dad, are narcissists. Dysfunction! And yes, that means that as an adult I have gravitated towards relationships with narcissists, and then I play out this same dynamic from my childhood and get frustrated when I get the same results. More dysfunction. It's true these people were dysfunctional and toxic, but SO WAS I. I wasn't setting boundaries and I was investing myself in these relationships, and performing codependence for people who seek it out, even though they weren't serving me.

The point is, it's not exclusively their fault. They are responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. I can see now that I played a role in these toxic relationships and likely encouraged some of their worst behavior by enabling it. It's not just about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I find it interesting that there is an assumption in all of these posts that the person who grew up in the dysfunctional family is exhibiting dysfunctional behaviors. Some of us went through years of therapy in an effort to deal with the dysfunction, learn healthier behaviors and reactions, and "break the cycle."

And yet, any discussion of the dysfunction or expression of frustration with it is met with hostility on DCUM - such as the nasty reactions to those of us who posted in the grandparents thread OP referenced about our kids being wholly ignored by neglectful grandparents. In real life, I don't talk about my parents or in laws other than to say (if asked) that they are not helpful or supportive grandparents and aren't involved in our lives. I certainly don't bring those issues to work. There is no drama.

I totally agree with this. One reason I find it exhausting is that my life and childhood look perfectly functional from the outside -- parents still married, everyone consistently employed and middle or upper middle class, all adult kids finished college and got jobs and married and had kids. One divorce but amicable and friendly. No visible substance abuse or mental health problems.

The reality is WAY different. My parents married very young and are both from abusive, alcoholic homes (incredibly common for baby boomers whose parents were people who lived through both the Great Depression and World War II!). They had... no parenting skills. They were permissive until it backfired on them and then became authoritarian but had no idea how to develop respectful relationships with their kids. Two of their kids have had drug or alcohol problems, but they've been handled discretely. One of their kids has attempted suicide. All of their kids are in therapy. In my case, my therapist and I have worked out that my childhood was one of emotional neglect -- I had food, housing, and clothing and I went to school, so all my physical needs were met. But basically none of my emotional needs were met. I didn't feel safe in my home. It was normal for people in our house to yell and fight at all hours, even in the middle of the night. My parents hit us, and did so with anger and without control, but mostly as spanking that would not be visible to someone else (plus would be defended by many other families who did the same thing). My parents were verbally abusive and often called us names or told us were worthless or stupid. As an adult I've struggled mightily with low self worth because I did not develop a belief in my worthiness as a human at a young age. I've struggled hard with people pleasing and am often drawn to narcissists because I'm so good at accommodating other people's emotional needs -- I did it for 20 years as a child in order to keep myself safe in my home.

The vast majority of the time, I am on top of all of this. I've been in therapy for years, I have a great marriage and a very good relationship with my child, who is loved and validated and listened to, and who I would never yell at, call names, or hit. But during times of high stress, or during the times when I have wound up entangled with someone with narcissistic traits (fortunately never in romantic relationships, which have always been a way for me to escape bad family dynamics -- always at work or in friendships), I can struggle with reverting to my old people pleasing tendencies, subsuming all of my own feelings and needs, and just kind of reliving my childhood. It's happened twice in jobs with crap bosses and it sucks.

And there are people who just can't deal with it when they see this side of me. Like the spell is broken and they can't be in my life anymore. People freak out to see someone struggle. All I can say is that it has made me love the people who are not put off by it, who accept that this is part of my past and that I am not defined by my moments of weakness.

PP, I am sorry for what you went through, but I think this is a case of judging yourself by your intent and others on their actions.
Your scenarios - children of alcoholics, spankings at home, yelling, addiction, adults in therapy - are so, so common. Doesn't make it right, but it's not unusual either. The people pulling away from you could be from some ideal functional family, but more likely they have experienced one or more of the same things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Study Dr Ramani on YouTube.

I gray rock people who are perpetually dysfunctional regardless of if they have come from functional or dysfunctional families. This is to save my own sanity. I am an empathic and kind person. I am a magnet for dysfunctional people. I am still good for 1 good listening session for 10 minutes only.

This sounds dysfunctional to me. I’m going to give people what I can and set boundaries where and when needed. But I’m not going to declare “only one 10 minute listening session” to a friend in need or a family member struggling. People aren’t widgets and life shouldn’t be transactional. But you do you.

Saying, "I can only handle this for 10 minutes" IS a boundary. Those of us who have been sucked into the void of endless hours of counseling others understand perfectly. Some people will never, ever get enough of your time if you continue to give it. If that's not you, then great! My mother was so kind and giving of her time to her various broken friends and a deacon at her church where she literally worked to help people try to get their lives together. After she passed away, her friends would call ME trying to talk about their various problems. No thanks; I have enough going on in my own life.

Do you set a timer? Do you let your “friends” know from the onset they better keep it under 10 or you’re walking away / hanging up? Or maybe you charge a retainer fee … every minute over 10 is $$$. You sound like a real peach. Hopefully, your “friends” don’t treat you in this callous way when you have a personal tragedy, struggle, worry, or dilemma. Hope you are always keeping it light and fresh with your highly functional friends.

[Anonymous]

All these people talking about how they have no time for any dysfunction sound really dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't underestimate how destructive and toxic dysfunctional people can be. I had two close friends, one in middle and high school and one in my 20s-early 30s, who were truly terrible for me. Both children of alcoholics, they were addicted to drama, created scenes, and continually berated me for not being a good enough friend. I am a people pleaser by nature and I can see now how I enabled their behavior by validating them over and over. It makes me feel ill when I remember how I would try so hard to fill the voids in these women's lives and how I thought it was normal to be whipsawed between having so much fun and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I can see this so clearly now, but had no idea at the time that this kind of relationship wasn't normal in any way.

As a result, I am sympathetic to people's challenges but stay far away from engaging with damaged people. I also counsel my own kids to have healthy boundaries and to recognize that abusive behavior can exist in plenty of relationships, not just romantic ones. Would I ever say nasty things like "mentally ill people should be locked up"? Of course not. But I'm not here to help you work out your issues or let you bring all your negativity into my life. Save it for your therapist or your support group.

See, in my experience, it's the people who consider themselves to be from "functional" households, in touch with their emotions, constantly receiving endless validation and unconditional love that tend to do that. They tend to forget that other people don't exist to attend to their needs and support the endless navel gazing.

[Anonymous]

Some of the perspectives from people on this thread - the ones who eschew anyone with any issues whatsoever - exemplify some of the reasons people commit suicide. Seriously. And then these very same people will be aghast - just aghast! - because they had no idea Mary or Joe was struggling so much and if only they had talked to someone.

Good grief, so glad I have functional enough friends who are also grounded, empathetic, and invested in the humans they call friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Corrected thread:

Ok, this is a little bit a spin-off of the thread about not getting help or support from parents when you have kids, but it's really more of a reaction to something I've observed in life (and on DCUM) many times.

Many people from functional, loving families have very little patience for people who come from dysfunction or who never had a loving family unit growing up. It's weird to me because, as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and has spent years in therapy to undo that damage, it seems like the opposite should be the case. Like if you got a really strong basis of support from your parents, and have always felt loved and like you have a place of belonging (something I never had growing up and have fought hard for as an adult) why would you have so little patience for people who don't have your advantages?

I am aware that people from dysfunctional families often have behaviors that are trying. Trust me, I know! But as I've worked through my own issues, it has just become obvious to me that these are usually just maladaptive attempts to get what they didn't have as kids. I see it in my own family. My mom is extremely needy and projects her emotions onto others all the time, because her parents were abusive alcoholics. In some ways she's still a little kid just looking for validation and love that she didn't get back then. Can it be incredibly annoying? YES. But once I worked through my own issues about my own childhood, I can always have empathy for her even as I set boundaries to keep her worst behavior from impacting me.

So why wouldn't people from "good" backgrounds already be able to do this? Like if you were raised with healthy relationships and learned about self-acceptance, good boundaries, etc. as a child, this should be easy for you. It should be easy to look at someone struggling and be able to empathize with them while also setting whatever boundaries you need to. But instead, people who had seemingly great parents and childhoods are often the least understanding.

I don't get it.

It is difficult to put up with their craziness, whining, complaining when they do absolutely nothing to help themselves. I have friends who grew up in war-torn countries who have good lives because they don't live in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these people talking about how they have no time for any dysfunction sound really dysfunctional.

It's funny, i was thinking the opposite. All the people who are complaining that people from dysfunctional families are unfairly judged for their dysfunctional backgrounds - they sound really dysfunctional to me.

Like someone above saying how people at work are so judge-y of her dysfunctional background and have no tolerance for whatever issues your dysfunction may give rise to..... I'm thinking: Why would your colleagues know that you have a dysfunctional background?? And if you are bringing ANY personal life issues to work, then that's totally inappropriate and your colleagues are right to think you are high drama. Anyone who tells their colleagues anything about their dysfunctional past, or has personal issues in the office stemming from that dysfunction .... Do you not see that you are dysfunctional? Your colleagues aren't judging you for your dysfunctional family. They're judging you because you, yourself, are dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these people talking about how they have no time for any dysfunction sound really dysfunctional.

It's funny, i was thinking the opposite. All the people who are complaining that people from dysfunctional families are unfairly judged for their dysfunctional backgrounds - they sound really dysfunctional to me.

Like someone above saying how people at work are so judge-y of her dysfunctional background and have no tolerance for whatever issues your dysfunction may give rise to..... I'm thinking: Why would your colleagues know that you have a dysfunctional background?? And if you are bringing ANY personal life issues to work, then that's totally inappropriate and your colleagues are right to think you are high drama. Anyone who tells their colleagues anything about their dysfunctional past, or has personal issues in the office stemming from that dysfunction .... Do you not see that you are dysfunctional? Your colleagues aren't judging you for your dysfunctional family. They're judging you because you, yourself, are dysfunctional.

Sure, that’s one example. But most of the comments are people discussing their supposed friends, not colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these people talking about how they have no time for any dysfunction sound really dysfunctional.

It's funny, i was thinking the opposite. All the people who are complaining that people from dysfunctional families are unfairly judged for their dysfunctional backgrounds - they sound really dysfunctional to me.

Like someone above saying how people at work are so judge-y of her dysfunctional background and have no tolerance for whatever issues your dysfunction may give rise to..... I'm thinking: Why would your colleagues know that you have a dysfunctional background?? And if you are bringing ANY personal life issues to work, then that's totally inappropriate and your colleagues are right to think you are high drama. Anyone who tells their colleagues anything about their dysfunctional past, or has personal issues in the office stemming from that dysfunction .... Do you not see that you are dysfunctional? Your colleagues aren't judging you for your dysfunctional family. They're judging you because you, yourself, are dysfunctional.

+1

[Anonymous]

NP here. This struck a nerve. I feel very judged by a former close friend for getting divorced. She hasn’t given details, but did admit to being uncomfortable with what l “chose to do” when l asked her what was going on with her decreased level of communication with me, and said she doesn’t have the bandwidth to think about why she’s uncomfortable.

Which tells me I’m not that important to her. She’s rather not think about it and avoid me. I find it very unkind, as we were very close, but now it’s made me not want to be friends with her either. Who needs friends like that?

I do have friends who’ve been very supportive and I consider myself pretty darn functional.

Not letting yourself think about hard things to support a friend - besides being unkind that also seems dysfunctional to me. Emotionally shut down.