If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because nobody wants in laws like that.

I've seen this. People from functional families don't like to see their kids dealing with their in-law families' problems and getting dragged down by them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because nobody wants in laws like that.

Yep. And I got them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Corrected thread:

Ok, this is a little bit a spin-off of the thread about not getting help or support from parents when you have kids, but it's really more of a reaction to something I've observed in life (and on DCUM) many times.

Many people from functional, loving families have very little patience for people who come from dysfunction or who never had a loving family unit growing up. It's weird to me because, as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and has spent years in therapy to undo that damage, it seems like the opposite should be the case. Like if you got a really strong basis of support from your parents, and have always felt loved and like you have a place of belonging (something I never had growing up and have fought hard for as an adult) why would you have so little patience for people who don't have your advantages?

I am aware that people from dysfunctional families often have behaviors that are trying. Trust me, I know! But as I've worked through my own issues, it has just become obvious to me that these are usually just maladaptive attempts to get what they didn't have as kids. I see it in my own family. My mom is extremely needy and projects her emotions onto others all the time, because her parents were abusive alcoholics. In some ways she's still a little kid just looking for validation and love that she didn't get back then. Can it be incredibly annoying? YES. But once I worked through my own issues about my own childhood, I can always have empathy for her even as I set boundaries to keep her worst behavior from impacting me.

So why wouldn't people from "good" backgrounds already be able to do this? Like if you were raised with healthy relationships and learned about self-acceptance, good boundaries, etc. as a child, this should be easy for you. It should be easy to look at someone struggling and be able to empathize with them while also setting whatever boundaries you need to. But instead, people who had seemingly great parents and childhoods are often the least understanding.

I don't get it.

Because you are assuming that all the “good background” folks are good people. You can come from a stable loving environment and still be a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like PP I also come from a fairly functional family and ended up with a DH who love bombed. What I think of all this so-called dysfunction now, in my 50s, is that I completely avoid anyone claiming to be a "victim". I've learned that the perpetual victims are people with millions of issues creating their own problems. They'll never work through anything and will simply suck you dry with their endless complaining. Their families have red flags all over that they hide until you're married and with kids. I've also found out that it's not my job to fix other people. I'm not their therapist or psychologist. I think dysfunctional people love attaching themselves to functional people and then running them to the ground. The only way not to end up being ran to the ground is to not engage and/or disappear, which is why the more-or-less functional people avoid the dysfunctional like a plague.

You are me but I'm in my 40s.

[Anonymous]

I have an extremely dysfunctional mother. I had to become estranged and reading this leaves me with no regrets. I do feel like an outsider in my life now. I live a very, very different life than those in my social circle, many with close, supportive and wealthy families. I keep quiet for the most part and just say my mother is sick. She's in a nursing home anyways so it doesn't matter much. Close friends have some idea but I talk about it once every few years in a deep conversation. I don't bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Um, because people who haven’t experienced something often don’t understand what it’s like to experience it? I come from a dysfunctional family and my best friend does not. She doesn’t get it. She never will. She’s not rude about it, but I know she doesn’t understand certain things. I’m a white woman. I don’t know what it means to be a black man. I can listen to someone tell me but I’ll never fully understand. That doesn’t mean I get a pass to say rude things because “I don’t get it.” Obviously I have to try to understand and not be a jerk, but simply not understanding is because they didn’t grow up like that.

[Anonymous]

Part of being functional also means getting on with life. If you have a goal, like a promotion or a family vacation or community service project, you figure out how to make that happen. That means you’re not spending your time being patient with people you don’t know. Your friends are people who are also figuring out their lives, and you laugh and commiserate together, but you’re not creating entire relationships based on someone else’s one-sided desire for patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because nobody wants in laws like that.

I've seen this. People from functional families don't like to see their kids dealing with their in-law families' problems and getting dragged down by them.

This. It’s not personal. Dysfunctional families are messy drag everyone down. I don’t want that for myself, my spouse, or my kids if I can help it.

[Anonymous]

Because these family members are often draining and unpleasant. I wish I didn’t marry into a family where we spend holidays walking on egg shells so we don’t tick this person or that person off. Or we don’t talk about a million and one things because they “trigger” whoever. Or I have to carefully curate every request because someone may get offended, cancel, back out, etc.

I don’t want to deal with it and have lost patience. Empathy fatigue.

[Anonymous]

OP, to answer the title of your post - you're exhausting. Because you/they talk about whatever dysfunction it was, all- the-time

Give it a rest. We heard you. You've told us before. Many, many times. We want to like you, we want to welcome you, but please join the rest of us in a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this is true. People from highly functional families tend to tell you that there's no alcoholism, no divorce, no whatever in their families, in a proud tone.

It's all very complicated. Have a friend who grew up raised in a religion where it's your duty to have a big family and present it as functional and even aspirational. House was always pristine and everyone seemed to be beautiful, athletic and get straight As. Lots of loving family time. They had the perfect Christmas cards and letters and prided themselves on being the perfect family. So fast forward 3 out of 6 adult kids have left the religion and estranged from family. Another got divorced due to infidelity and her parents are livid they didn't work things out through the church and they are desperate to get her married off. Two others still in the religion are in unhappy marriages. My friend is one of the estranged ones and through therapy she has realized just how nuts her perfect family was. Parents won't even admit her brother is one of their kids anymore because he came out as gay. She's pretty sure her dad who rejected brother was having a gay affair with someone at the church now that she thinks about some things she walked in on.

The most perfect nice ones can have the most to lose if it is discovered they are human.

Signed,
Daughter of covert narc mom who cared more about appearances than abuse at home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, to answer the title of your post - you're exhausting. Because you/they talk about whatever dysfunction it was, all- the-time

Give it a rest. We heard you. You've told us before. Many, many times. We want to like you, we want to welcome you, but please join the rest of us in a healthy relationship.

Not everyone from a dysfunctional family talks about it all the time or at all.

I carried a lot of shame about my family's problems for a long time and rarely if even mentioned them to other people.

Going to therapy and working through that shame meant learning to disclose it sometimes, and to be honest about my feelings and sometimes the reason for those feelings. But even if this is a very occasional thing, people can be impatient because people are mostly self-interested.

The truth is that if you have psychological damage from growing up in a dysfunctional family, you may need some forbearance or patience at times. Not all the time, and everyone is responsible for their own feelings and choices. But sometimes.

Some people aren't capable of offering that and will get angry and you for asking, even once.

[Anonymous]

I can't read your whole essay. But, here is the simple explanation from me. I care nothing about what family you come from if you are nice, hard working and not a psycho.
Sadly, most of the people from dysfunctional families are none of these things, and most are dysfunctional, cause issues for no reason and emotionally unstable people.
It makes sense, you had no stability growing it, you are unlikely to be stable.
On the other hand, what is a stable family? Is there such a thing?
I have never met anyone who is expressing angry and intolerant attitudes towards people from dysfunction for no reason.
Every single time my DD was hurt by a friend, friend was from dysfunctional family, if the show fits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a moderately functional family and while my family has issues, we thankfully did not have very large ones such as alcoholism, physical or verbal abuse or mental illness.

The effect of this on me was two-pronged: on one hand I was wary of people with obvious dysfunction as I had a theoretical understanding of how scary such situations can be and I did not want to be sucked in the world of toxicity and dysfunction. I was scared of alcoholics and obviously abusive people as no one had treated me poorly in my immediate family.

So, a part of me did judge them and not want to associate with them as I did not want to be hurt or drawn in.

On the other hand, my easy and loving family life made me very naive as to the workings of true evil and dysfunction. I also had no skills to decipher between good genuine people versus broken dangerous people such as narcissists or personality disorders. I was love bombed and I married my current narcissi tic husband. I truly had NO idea what I was dealing with as I had no experience in determining his intentions.

It is dysfunctional to resurrect a three year old thread and not know how to post your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Corrected thread:

Ok, this is a little bit a spin-off of the thread about not getting help or support from parents when you have kids, but it's really more of a reaction to something I've observed in life (and on DCUM) many times.

Many people from functional, loving families have very little patience for people who come from dysfunction or who never had a loving family unit growing up. It's weird to me because, as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and has spent years in therapy to undo that damage, it seems like the opposite should be the case. Like if you got a really strong basis of support from your parents, and have always felt loved and like you have a place of belonging (something I never had growing up and have fought hard for as an adult) why would you have so little patience for people who don't have your advantages?

I am aware that people from dysfunctional families often have behaviors that are trying. Trust me, I know! But as I've worked through my own issues, it has just become obvious to me that these are usually just maladaptive attempts to get what they didn't have as kids. I see it in my own family. My mom is extremely needy and projects her emotions onto others all the time, because her parents were abusive alcoholics. In some ways she's still a little kid just looking for validation and love that she didn't get back then. Can it be incredibly annoying? YES. But once I worked through my own issues about my own childhood, I can always have empathy for her even as I set boundaries to keep her worst behavior from impacting me.

So why wouldn't people from "good" backgrounds already be able to do this? Like if you were raised with healthy relationships and learned about self-acceptance, good boundaries, etc. as a child, this should be easy for you. It should be easy to look at someone struggling and be able to empathize with them while also setting whatever boundaries you need to. But instead, people who had seemingly great parents and childhoods are often the least understanding.

I don't get it.

My dysfunctional family tries to normalize terrible behavior or pretend like it didn't happen. I've had to learn not to do that. A person from a functional family would be appalled by certain behavior, because they've never seen it or could even fathom it, and would get as much distance from it as possible. It's called boundaries and it's healthy.
No one wants my parents as in-laws, trust me. My marriage would not have survived my parents if we weren't almost completely estranged.