If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

[Anonymous]

Corrected thread:

Ok, this is a little bit a spin-off of the thread about not getting help or support from parents when you have kids, but it's really more of a reaction to something I've observed in life (and on DCUM) many times.

Many people from functional, loving families have very little patience for people who come from dysfunction or who never had a loving family unit growing up. It's weird to me because, as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and has spent years in therapy to undo that damage, it seems like the opposite should be the case. Like if you got a really strong basis of support from your parents, and have always felt loved and like you have a place of belonging (something I never had growing up and have fought hard for as an adult) why would you have so little patience for people who don't have your advantages?

I am aware that people from dysfunctional families often have behaviors that are trying. Trust me, I know! But as I've worked through my own issues, it has just become obvious to me that these are usually just maladaptive attempts to get what they didn't have as kids. I see it in my own family. My mom is extremely needy and projects her emotions onto others all the time, because her parents were abusive alcoholics. In some ways she's still a little kid just looking for validation and love that she didn't get back then. Can it be incredibly annoying? YES. But once I worked through my own issues about my own childhood, I can always have empathy for her even as I set boundaries to keep her worst behavior from impacting me.

So why wouldn't people from "good" backgrounds already be able to do this? Like if you were raised with healthy relationships and learned about self-acceptance, good boundaries, etc. as a child, this should be easy for you. It should be easy to look at someone struggling and be able to empathize with them while also setting whatever boundaries you need to. But instead, people who had seemingly great parents and childhoods are often the least understanding.

I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Ugh yes good question. Here are my theories (coming from somebody from a dysfunctional family):

1. Just because you’re from a functional family doesn’t mean you have a lot of emotional intelligence, wisdom, or morals. You might still have gaps.

2. We live in a world where we are all expected to be independent and self-sufficient and don’t have a lot of tolerance for being inconvenienced. We don’t think people should need a lot of support and even if they should we don’t want to be the one to give it to them.

3. Ignorance about the real impacts of dysfunctional families.

4. Our world has really inaccurate and harmful ideas about laziness and productivity and people perhaps especially in “functional” families have wholesale adopted those ideas.

[Anonymous]

Because everyone has limited bandwidth, and usually people are looking to spend their time with people who are easy and pleasant.

If someone is in your life for a reason - they're a longtime friend, they're an in-law, you work together, you share a hobby, etc - then you may have more capacity to deal with their quirks and difficulties.

But I think day to day, even people with easy lives or easy upbringings just don't have the space to manage people who are difficult for whatever reason. At least not long term.

Also if you grew up in a functional family, and have continued to live a pretty functional life, you may just not understand why the other person is behaving the way they do. So you may just write them off. Someone who's been through what you've been through would have a better understanding and perhaps more tolerance.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

It is the over-sharing. I don't need or want to hear about every problem you're having or ever had. Keep the drama to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Because nobody wants in laws like that.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like people are resenting or dil
disliking others for having dysfunctional families. It sounds like you're talking about impatience with people's actual individual behaviors outside of the contexts of their families of origin. It's asking a lot for everyone a person comes into contact with to have a deep understanding of how an individual's childhood traumas have shaped their adult behavior, and not being annoyed if they're overly needy or blow up over nothing or whatever the "unsatisfied need" drove them to do. Compassion is important, but learning to deal with your own baggage and behave in healthier ways is too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the over-sharing. I don't need or want to hear about every problem you're having or ever had. Keep the drama to yourself.

I admit that this is how I feel too. I only interact with people like this at work (have no patience for them in my regular life) and this is why I am respectful but keep my distance.

[Anonymous]

Because I realize that there are at least two sides to every story and I only know your side. I can't really tell if you are the victim or the source of the dysfunction.
Because I am familiar enough with mental health issues that I know they can cloud your perceptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the over-sharing. I don't need or want to hear about every problem you're having or ever had. Keep the drama to yourself.

I admit that this is how I feel too. I only interact with people like this at work (have no patience for them in my regular life) and this is why I am respectful but keep my distance.

Same. My work is different from my private life. In my private life, I choose to stay away from people who essentially want free therapy from me. While I am respectful of their needs, they need to respect that I get to make this choice.

[Anonymous]

Because the why someone has annoying or bad behaviors shouldn't be an excuse that others have to put up with it. Generally others don't care about their neighbors, coworkers, kid's parents, or cousin's wife background unless they allow it to negatively affect those around them. The fact that a man molested as a child molests my child wouldn't make it "better" for my child. It is one thing to understand why someone acts they way they do, but understand doesn't mean I to accept it or allow it to negatively impact my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I realize that there are at least two sides to every story and I only know your side. I can't really tell if you are the victim or the source of the dysfunction.
Because I am familiar enough with mental health issues that I know they can cloud your perceptions.

But it's not your job to assess whether or not someone else is "a victim". And with family dysfunction, often everyone is the source of the dysfunction and in a way it's no one's fault, really. Like in my family, my parents were abusive and neglectful. They are in that way the "source" of my difficulties. But I can also recognize that their behaviors were also caused by being raised by abusive, neglectful parents. And I can also see how as a teenager and young adult, I had a ton of dysfunctional behaviors that negatively impacted other people. In this scenario, everyone is kind of a victim, because you can't choose your parents and if you have don't get what you need emotionally as a young child, it's unsurprising if you don't know how to act. On the other hand, every adult is also responsible for their own behavior and is responsible for changing that behavior if it is harming others.

You are viewing this from a black and white perspective (black and white thinking is a sign of poor mental health) and assigning roles like "victim" and "dysfunctional" to situations that are much more fluid and nuanced. And I have a hard time understanding why someone from a healthy family and childhood would fall into what to me are obvious traps -- thinking this way will actually cause YOU more strife in life than if you practice empathy and also understand that other people's struggles are not yours to judge or assess.

Like you are not describing a functional approach to dealing with someone who is struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the over-sharing. I don't need or want to hear about every problem you're having or ever had. Keep the drama to yourself.

I admit that this is how I feel too. I only interact with people like this at work (have no patience for them in my regular life) and this is why I am respectful but keep my distance.

Same. My work is different from my private life. In my private life, I choose to stay away from people who essentially want free therapy from me. While I am respectful of their needs, they need to respect that I get to make this choice.

OP here. I'm not talking about people who choose to limit interaction with someone who is behaving in a dysfunctional way. I do that too.

I'm talking about when people are cruel and critical of people who are struggling, whether it's complaining endlessly about their coworker who is negative and angry (the irony of this one) or using "dysfunctional" as an insult. I've just encountered a lot of people from "good" families who are mean when it comes to these issues and it surprises me.

Another thing I've observed. I have a couple friends who are from really loving families with really kind and loving parents (who I adore). When I socialize with these friends, they can be so cutting about people from dysfunctional backgrounds or people who's struggle with mental health, to the point that I've had to distance myself from them because I find their attitude offensive. But since I know their parents, I also know their parents would NEVER talk like that. It really surprises me to hear people from what I know to be really solid upbringings being very intolerant and sometimes cruel towards people who simply don't have their advantages. Is it just ignorance? Do they learn these attitudes from peers and just repeat that instead of following in their parents' tolerant, empathetic footprints? I've never understood this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because I realize that there are at least two sides to every story and I only know your side. I can't really tell if you are the victim or the source of the dysfunction.
Because I am familiar enough with mental health issues that I know they can cloud your perceptions.

But it's not your job to assess whether or not someone else is "a victim". And with family dysfunction, often everyone is the source of the dysfunction and in a way it's no one's fault, really. Like in my family, my parents were abusive and neglectful. They are in that way the "source" of my difficulties. But I can also recognize that their behaviors were also caused by being raised by abusive, neglectful parents. And I can also see how as a teenager and young adult, I had a ton of dysfunctional behaviors that negatively impacted other people. In this scenario, everyone is kind of a victim, because you can't choose your parents and if you have don't get what you need emotionally as a young child, it's unsurprising if you don't know how to act. On the other hand, every adult is also responsible for their own behavior and is responsible for changing that behavior if it is harming others.

You are viewing this from a black and white perspective (black and white thinking is a sign of poor mental health) and assigning roles like "victim" and "dysfunctional" to situations that are much more fluid and nuanced. And I have a hard time understanding why someone from a healthy family and childhood would fall into what to me are obvious traps -- thinking this way will actually cause YOU more strife in life than if you practice empathy and also understand that other people's struggles are not yours to judge or assess.

Like you are not describing a functional approach to dealing with someone who is struggling.

Actually, they are describing a functional approach to dealing with someone who is struggling. They are choosing to NOT deal with you and your struggles. That is okay. Your need doesn't trump theirs. They have responsibilities to themselves and their families, and they need to prioritize that.

[Anonymous]

My family was incredibly dysfunctional growing up, but I got a lot of therapy and am now very functional emotionally, professionally, etc. I don’t judge someone for their upbringing, which they can’t control, or even really for those adult behaviors they may have little control over. That doesn’t necessarily translate into seeking a close relationship with that person, though. I can be empathic from a distance, which indeed is important for maintaining good mental health (i.e., boundaries). Expecting a friend to deliver professional mental health services is inappropriate and unrealistic.

So, I don’t resent or dislike people who are struggling (unless they’re actively harming me or my family), but I’m also not going to be best friends with them, either. I don’t find that unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the why someone has annoying or bad behaviors shouldn't be an excuse that others have to put up with it. Generally others don't care about their neighbors, coworkers, kid's parents, or cousin's wife background unless they allow it to negatively affect those around them. The fact that a man molested as a child molests my child wouldn't make it "better" for my child. It is one thing to understand why someone acts they way they do, but understand doesn't mean I to accept it or allow it to negatively impact my life.

OP here. I have no problem with this outlook and it's also my own. I don't think you need to spend a lot of time empathizing with people who harm you, and this sounds like healthy boundaries.

I'm talking about people who express angry and intolerant attitudes towards people from dysfunction. Choosing not to have someone in your life because they are dysfunctional is totally reasonable. Getting mad at that person for the dysfunction that they don't have a ton of control over, and especially taking it out on them, is not. It generally just makes the problem worse because dysfunctional people often have extremely low self worth and their behavior will get worse if they feel they are irredeemable. Which is one of many reasons I approach people with kindness and the assumption that everyone has value -- I find it generally brings out the best in people, even if I also sometimes have to limit my interaction with someone because they don't have the relationship skills to be part of my circle.