Reply to If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

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Reply to "If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP.  I find it interesting that there is an assumption in all of these posts that the person who grew up in the dysfunctional family is exhibiting dysfunctional behaviors.  Some of us went through years of therapy in an effort to deal with the dysfunction, learn healthier behaviors and reactions, and "break the cycle."

And yet, any discussion of the dysfunction or expression of frustration with it is met with hostility on DCUM - such as the nasty reactions to those of us who posted in the grandparents thread OP referenced about our kids being wholly ignored by neglectful grandparents.  In real life, I don't talk about my parents or in laws other than to say (if asked) that they are not helpful or supportive grandparents and aren't involved in our lives.  I certainly don't bring those issues to work.  There is no drama. [/quote]

I totally agree with this. One reason I find it exhausting is that my life and childhood look perfectly functional from the outside -- parents still married, everyone consistently employed and middle or upper middle class, all adult kids finished college and got jobs and married and had kids. One divorce but amicable and friendly. No visible substance abuse or mental health problems.

The reality is WAY different. My parents married very young and are both from abusive, alcoholic homes (incredibly common for baby boomers whose parents were people who lived through both the Great Depression and World War II!). They had... no parenting skills. They were permissive until it backfired on them and then became authoritarian but had no idea how to develop respectful relationships with their kids. Two of their kids have had drug or alcohol problems, but they've been handled discretely. One of their kids has attempted suicide. All of their kids are in therapy. In my case, my therapist and I have worked out that my childhood was one of emotional neglect -- I had food, housing, and clothing and I went to school, so all my physical needs were met. But basically none of my emotional needs were met. I didn't feel safe in my home. It was normal for people in our house to yell and fight at all hours, even in the middle of the night. My parents hit us, and did so with anger and without control, but mostly as spanking that would not be visible to someone else (plus would be defended by many other families who did the same thing). My parents were verbally abusive and often called us names or told us were worthless or stupid. As an adult I've struggled mightily with low self worth because I did not develop a belief in my worthiness as a human at a young age. I've struggled hard with people pleasing and am often drawn to narcissists because I'm so good at accommodating other people's emotional needs -- I did it for 20 years as a child in order to keep myself safe in my home.

The vast majority of the time, I am on top of all of this. I've been in therapy for years, I have a great marriage and a very good relationship with my child, who is loved and validated and listened to, and who I would never yell at, call names, or hit. But during times of high stress, or during the times when I have wound up entangled with someone with narcissistic traits (fortunately never in romantic relationships, which have always been a way for me to escape bad family dynamics -- always at work or in friendships), I can struggle with reverting to my old people pleasing tendencies, subsuming all of my own feelings and needs, and just kind of reliving my childhood. It's happened twice in jobs with crap bosses and it sucks.

And there are people who just can't deal with it when they see this side of me. Like the spell is broken and they can't be in my life anymore. People freak out to see someone struggle. All I can say is that it has made me love the people who are not put off by it, who accept that this is part of my past and that I am not defined by my moments of weakness.[/quote]

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