If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a book of short stories by Douglas Coupland called Life After God. In it, in one of the stories, a man is at his mother’s house after a divorce. She tells him that no couple is in love forever, that when the love fades you have friendship and companionship. She also goes on to say that all people are flawed and finding your person to grow cold with is not about finding someone without flaws - it’s finding a person where you say “these are the flaws and problems I choose”.

Of course people from dysfunctional families deserve love and a chance to change and break patterns. But no one owes them the service of being patient with them while they work through their issues. That is to say, some people will be able to work with the dysfunction but others cannot. It is not a moral failing to not want to deal with someone else’s issues and growth process. It’s not a moral failing to not want to inherit toxic, dysfunctional in-laws and/or family drama. My family is not perfect, but they are very stable and drama free, almost boringly so. When I chose a spouse, I wanted someone who came from a similarly stable and supportive family.

OP here. I would never suggest that anyone has a duty to befriend a dysfunctional person, help them through their issues, and certainly not MARRY them. Of course not.

I'm saying I don't understand why people are often angry and cruel to people from dysfunctional backgrounds. Telling them to "get over it" for instance. Gossiping about them, etc. When I encounter a dysfunctional person I don't want to deal with, I think "there but for the grace of God go I" and move along. I don't say nasty things to or about them (why?) or act superior. So why wouldn't a person from a good background be able to do this?

NP, but why aren't they getting over it? Are they working on it? Or are they just wallowing in dysfunction, passing it onto their children and coworkers? It's exhausting when other people don't deal with their problems.

I think your question is more about why some people gossip or have little patience for others.

+1

Some things are impossible to “get over” even if you “work on it.”

I guess the proof is in the pudding OP. People just are impatient and judgmental - seeking or waiting for their acceptance will not come.

[Anonymous]

I used to be super judgmental of people with dysfunctional behaviors when I was younger. And I did not come from a fully functional family either- I was neglected and abused.

It takes understanding, life experiences, self reflection, and emotional maturity to deal with dysfunctional behaviors with kindness and appropriate boundaries.

I’m still working on it and I have done therapy. A lot of it was for me the inability to deal and to understand where the other person was coming from, and also perhaps a denial of my own deficiencies and trying to project an image that I was totally put together when I really was damaged inside. And I judged that part of myself so I judged it in others.

Once I learned how to gently enforce boundaries, I was able to be more understanding and tolerant and less avoidant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a book of short stories by Douglas Coupland called Life After God. In it, in one of the stories, a man is at his mother’s house after a divorce. She tells him that no couple is in love forever, that when the love fades you have friendship and companionship. She also goes on to say that all people are flawed and finding your person to grow cold with is not about finding someone without flaws - it’s finding a person where you say “these are the flaws and problems I choose”.

Of course people from dysfunctional families deserve love and a chance to change and break patterns. But no one owes them the service of being patient with them while they work through their issues. That is to say, some people will be able to work with the dysfunction but others cannot. It is not a moral failing to not want to deal with someone else’s issues and growth process. It’s not a moral failing to not want to inherit toxic, dysfunctional in-laws and/or family drama. My family is not perfect, but they are very stable and drama free, almost boringly so. When I chose a spouse, I wanted someone who came from a similarly stable and supportive family.

OP here. I would never suggest that anyone has a duty to befriend a dysfunctional person, help them through their issues, and certainly not MARRY them. Of course not.

I'm saying I don't understand why people are often angry and cruel to people from dysfunctional backgrounds. Telling them to "get over it" for instance. Gossiping about them, etc. When I encounter a dysfunctional person I don't want to deal with, I think "there but for the grace of God go I" and move along. I don't say nasty things to or about them (why?) or act superior. So why wouldn't a person from a good background be able to do this?

NP, but why aren't they getting over it? Are they working on it? Or are they just wallowing in dysfunction, passing it onto their children and coworkers? It's exhausting when other people don't deal with their problems.

I think your question is more about why some people gossip or have little patience for others.

+1

Some things are impossible to “get over” even if you “work on it.”

I guess the proof is in the pudding OP. People just are impatient and judgmental - seeking or waiting for their acceptance will not come.

Also, "get over it" or "you need to work on it" are not productive comments towards someone who is struggling.

You can talk about yourself. You can say "It's hard for me to listen to you complain about this issue a lot -- it is impacting my own mental health. I need a break from this." You can also just choose not to spend time with that person. But there is simply no reason to express anger at someone who is struggling, to be angry with the fact that they are struggling. They just are. It has nothing to do with you.

Some people seem to resent the idea that there are people in the world who struggle, and that they might be expected to interact with such a person in life. That's not a reasonable expectation. You don't have to befriend, marry, or go into business with people from dysfunctional backgrounds. But you will encounter them at times. Unless they do something TO you, there is not reason to be upset about it and there is definitely not excuse for expressing anger or disgust with such a person.

[Anonymous]

Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

I think this is giving a ton of credit and blame to parents and families of origin for how adults act on both ends. People from "functional" families with empathetic parents should be wise and empathetic themselves? Maybe, but some people with nice parents are jerks, and some people learn empathy through dealing with hardship. Often, I think people are more compassionate when they have an understanding of the struggle, having it easy can create blind spots.

Also, I don't think functional/dysfunctional is a binary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is giving a ton of credit and blame to parents and families of origin for how adults act on both ends. People from "functional" families with empathetic parents should be wise and empathetic themselves? Maybe, but some people with nice parents are jerks, and some people learn empathy through dealing with hardship. Often, I think people are more compassionate when they have an understanding of the struggle, having it easy can create blind spots.

Also, I don't think functional/dysfunctional is a binary.

This makes sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

There may be something to this. I have witnessed that disgust, in particular, too. It's interesting. It's like these families have love and empathy for one another and maybe a few people they accept into their circle, but outside of that, they don't care and are even antagonistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is giving a ton of credit and blame to parents and families of origin for how adults act on both ends. People from "functional" families with empathetic parents should be wise and empathetic themselves? Maybe, but some people with nice parents are jerks, and some people learn empathy through dealing with hardship. Often, I think people are more compassionate when they have an understanding of the struggle, having it easy can create blind spots.

Also, I don't think functional/dysfunctional is a binary.

Really good point. I have great, loving parents who gave us a lot of opportunities plus a safe, stable home and fun childhood. But they have their flaws and came from families with major dysfunction. One of my siblings became addicted to drugs as a young teen and it completely changed our trajectory as a family. I curdle at the label "dysfunctional family". We had all the "right" things in place and were never abused or lacking love, empathy, resources, good intentions. A perfect storm of many things combined to make us what we are today and I've stopped being shocked by the judgement we receive. I myself try to start from empathy regardless of anyone's circumstances. I know it can be tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

This hasn’t been my experience. I’d say this is pure projection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you’ve had some interactions with rather rude and insensitive people and you are generalizing it to others. No, I wouldn’t say “many people from loving, functional families” (your words) behave the way you are describing. If you are socializing with people that use “cutting” words towards others, find a better group of friends!

The bolded.

The larger answer, OP, is that there remains enormous stigma around mental health and addiction. Some "functional" families insist on maintaining the appearance of optimal health at all costs, which can lead to a lot of the behaviors you describe. Also, people are generally pretty ignorant about the causes of mental illness, including addiction. People don't want to realize how much is out of their control, because that's scary, so it feels easier in the moment to distance themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

Oddly, this sounds like my and dh's current family home and life. We both grew up with traumas and profound dysfunction. We've done the work on ourselves -years before marrying and having children of our own. There is no way we will allow our histories to be visited upon them. We call out dysfunction when we see it and we avoid it (and our families) as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is giving a ton of credit and blame to parents and families of origin for how adults act on both ends. People from "functional" families with empathetic parents should be wise and empathetic themselves? Maybe, but some people with nice parents are jerks, and some people learn empathy through dealing with hardship. Often, I think people are more compassionate when they have an understanding of the struggle, having it easy can create blind spots.

Also, I don't think functional/dysfunctional is a binary.

Really good point. I have great, loving parents who gave us a lot of opportunities plus a safe, stable home and fun childhood. But they have their flaws and came from families with major dysfunction. One of my siblings became addicted to drugs as a young teen and it completely changed our trajectory as a family. I curdle at the label "dysfunctional family". We had all the "right" things in place and were never abused or lacking love, empathy, resources, good intentions. A perfect storm of many things combined to make us what we are today and I've stopped being shocked by the judgement we receive. I myself try to start from empathy regardless of anyone's circumstances. I know it can be tough.

Yes. I feel the same way. I had a great childhood and I think my parents were very successful in resetting and avoiding the issues of their own families of origin. But we also had two immediate family members with different disabilities and mental health issues, and as an adult I do see some dysfunctional patterns based around trying to accommodate and sometimes overcompensate around assumption of those people's needs, in what I think is not an atypical pattern. I certainly don't blame any individual for trying to cope to their best ability, and I wouldn't consider our family dysfunctional in general, but having married into a different family there's more i can look at and say "that's messed up."

So yeah, family life is complicated and everyone deserves empathy rather than labels. At the same time I've never really been part of a conversation like the ones the OP seems to encounter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family was incredibly dysfunctional growing up, but I got a lot of therapy and am now very functional emotionally, professionally, etc. I don’t judge someone for their upbringing, which they can’t control, or even really for those adult behaviors they may have little control over. That doesn’t necessarily translate into seeking a close relationship with that person, though. I can be empathic from a distance, which indeed is important for maintaining good mental health (i.e., boundaries). Expecting a friend to deliver professional mental health services is inappropriate and unrealistic.

So, I don’t resent or dislike people who are struggling (unless they’re actively harming me or my family), but I’m also not going to be best friends with them, either. I don’t find that unreasonable.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Observationally, a lot of "functional" families that are drama-free, warm, welcoming, no abuse, addiction, codependency, etc. also tend to have this dynamic of exclusivity and "our home is a refuge, our family is better than everyone else". Not to say this is a bad thing, but in my experience having friends from these types of families, they breed sanctimony and judgement. Understandably so - when you come from a place of comfort and understanding you feel discomfort and even disgust when you're around dysfunction.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I also think it is very, very conceptually difficult for people who grew up in functional environments to really understand the isolation and shame that come from being abused etc. I do think also that there may be some subconscious (or conscious!) victim blaming - I see it all the time re: victims of domestic violence, rape, those in poverty etc. Finally I think there is this embedded fear of contagion - kind of like when people say they avoid divorced people for this reason, they avoid those who’ve experienced misfortune because it might mean that it will then happen to them.

The fact is, untreated trauma - which is really the source of most dysfunction - can make people very unpleasant! But that’s no reason to judge. We all have our trials in life.

[Anonymous]

My family of origin was dysfunctional.

People from functional families don't really believe the extent of f&ckupedness that can really exist in other families or the harm that it does. I wonder if you have to live it to really get it.

People don't like to hear about the ugly parts of real life.

Independence and self-sufficiency is definitely over-valued in our society. People from strong families think others should suck it up and deal with life, as they do. (They don't understand that dealing with life's difficulties is much easier if you depart from a solid foundation created in childhood.)