OP from an earlier thread back with an update.

[Anonymous]

OP you are making the right decision.. I feel a big sigh of relief on your behalf. I'd give you a big hug if I new you in person.

[Anonymous]

OP. Thanks for the responses. It helps to know some Internet strangers are on my side, ha.

We tried having a discussion and it was like beating my head against a wall. I *know* I’m being gaslit and yet he’s still making me question myself. He’s done a lot of therapy and so knows a lot of the buzzwords.

Like when I pointed out his behavior is classic addiction behavior, he asks me to judge him as an individual, not based off a textbook.

Or when I pointed out I can’t rely on him to handle cooking even just 2 nights a week, he’s says it’s simply not true. That he does do it, I just need to communicate. I said I have communicated it, and he’ll do it once or twice but then stop, and the only way I can get him to is if I physically sit down with him, help him write a grocery list, take him to the grocery store myself and make sure he buys everything. He says that’s normal and my problem is I don’t like to meal plan…wtf. I’ve been meal planning every week for months. I feel that with most couples, each person can write a grocery list on their own and then alternate who gets groceries each week.

The real kicker is when he said his weed use isn’t a problem. When I pointed out yesterday, he said it didn’t count. When I pointed out three weeks ago, he said staying up late one night isn’t a problem, just like if I stayed up a little later to have a beer. When I said sneaking off to “walk the dog” at 6pm when I’m in the thick of things is a problem, he said I encouraged him to go for walks. Yea, when I thought he was just struggling with depression, I said he could go for walks *for exercise and sunshine*, not as an excuse to skip out on family life and get high. He said “well I also did it for exercise, too!”

Now he’s even saying it would be easier if I moved out because I have less stuff (most of our furniture is his from before we were married). Yea, way easier for me to move with 2 kids and 2 dogs.

This is all just so bizarre for me. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if he’s just been good at hiding everything from me, I don’t know if this is just all coming out with the new baby, I don’t know if he’s had some sort of mental break or what. I ended up speaking with his ex wife yesterday and she told me he had a bad drinking problem when they were married and hid liquor all over the house. I never would have suspected that, he never seemed to be a problem drinker to me but he admitted he will drink a lot and hide it. I guess he has just been very good at remaining functional but now it’s all fallen apart with a new baby.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m so sorry. You do not deserve this nonsense. I don’t mind the weed so much as the total loser behavior. How is not helping you NONSTOP with a new baby? Wtf. Walking around getting high. Sleeping late. You’ve outgrown this. You e outgrown him. Do you love the house? Then stay! Don’t? Then leave. He’s the one doing drugs around the kids. Hi

[Anonymous]

"I ended up speaking with his ex wife yesterday and she told me he had a bad drinking problem when they were married and hid liquor all over the house. I never would have suspected that, he never seemed to be a problem drinker to me but he admitted he will drink a lot and hide it."

Oh dear God, OP, this is just shattering.

He was (and that means, he IS) an alcoholic and he's now substituted pot for alcohol. And he never came clean to you about his drinking before he married you and had two children with you. It sounds like he hid his addictions well. What a profound violation of your love and trust. I'm so, so sorry. His addictive tendency is so very not about you, or your kids, or the supposed stresses of the new baby or anything else except his cravings. He was married to his addiction before he even met you, before your kids even existed.

Don't let him gaslight you, don't even discuss meal planning or dog walking or anything day-to-day any more; he will make every single thing about him and about how you are expecting too much, etc. Spend that time instead arranging his very swift departure and whatever referrals to rehab you want to give him, but this added information from his ex may not bode well for rehab. His statement that you should be the one to move out and not him is the ultimate in completely addled, unrealistic thinking. Expect much more addled thinking just like that. If you can, seek a lawyer with experience handling separations in couples where one is an active addict. I really wish you and your kids a good outcome, whatever that outcome looks like. Many of us here are thinking of and concerned for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Waste this phase?? You're disgusting.

As someone who's been working the program for 10 years sober, please do NOT take this pp's advice, OP... that is, unles you want to end up divorced? Because THAT was an extremely manipulative thing to suggest...

I hope you never have mental health or addiction challenges, and have family that are like you & treat you the way you suggest.

If you're trying to help a loved one who's an addict, you're supposed to demonstrate all of the positive traits that you would like him to work on (such as transparency & honesty) in the hopes that he will begin to emulate you.

What you're NOT supposed to do, is act cold, calculating & untrustworthy, especially while they're looking to you for support & in their most vulnerable state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Thanks for the responses. It helps to know some Internet strangers are on my side, ha.

We tried having a discussion and it was like beating my head against a wall. I *know* I’m being gaslit and yet he’s still making me question myself. He’s done a lot of therapy and so knows a lot of the buzzwords.

Like when I pointed out his behavior is classic addiction behavior, he asks me to judge him as an individual, not based off a textbook.

Or when I pointed out I can’t rely on him to handle cooking even just 2 nights a week, he’s says it’s simply not true. That he does do it, I just need to communicate. I said I have communicated it, and he’ll do it once or twice but then stop, and the only way I can get him to is if I physically sit down with him, help him write a grocery list, take him to the grocery store myself and make sure he buys everything. He says that’s normal and my problem is I don’t like to meal plan…wtf. I’ve been meal planning every week for months. I feel that with most couples, each person can write a grocery list on their own and then alternate who gets groceries each week.

The real kicker is when he said his weed use isn’t a problem. When I pointed out yesterday, he said it didn’t count. When I pointed out three weeks ago, he said staying up late one night isn’t a problem, just like if I stayed up a little later to have a beer. When I said sneaking off to “walk the dog” at 6pm when I’m in the thick of things is a problem, he said I encouraged him to go for walks. Yea, when I thought he was just struggling with depression, I said he could go for walks *for exercise and sunshine*, not as an excuse to skip out on family life and get high. He said “well I also did it for exercise, too!”

Now he’s even saying it would be easier if I moved out because I have less stuff (most of our furniture is his from before we were married). Yea, way easier for me to move with 2 kids and 2 dogs.

This is all just so bizarre for me. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if he’s just been good at hiding everything from me, I don’t know if this is just all coming out with the new baby, I don’t know if he’s had some sort of mental break or what. I ended up speaking with his ex wife yesterday and she told me he had a bad drinking problem when they were married and hid liquor all over the house. I never would have suspected that, he never seemed to be a problem drinker to me but he admitted he will drink a lot and hide it. I guess he has just been very good at remaining functional but now it’s all fallen apart with a new baby.

How absurd. Kick him to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Waste this phase?? You're disgusting.

As someone who's been working the program for 10 years sober, please do NOT take this pp's advice, OP... that is, unles you want to end up divorced? Because THAT was an extremely manipulative thing to suggest...

I hope you never have mental health or addiction challenges, and have family that are like you & treat you the way you suggest.

If you're trying to help a loved one who's an addict, you're supposed to demonstrate all of the positive traits that you would like him to work on (such as transparency & honesty) in the hopes that he will begin to emulate you.

What you're NOT supposed to do, is act cold, calculating & untrustworthy, especially while they're looking to you for support & in their most vulnerable state.

NP. It’s great that you have been clean for ten years, but the vast majority of addicts continually relapse. My dad was an IV drug user who eventually switched to alcohol. He died at 60 of alcohol related issues. He would have been the first to tell you not to waste your life on an addict. OP, sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Waste this phase?? You're disgusting.

As someone who's been working the program for 10 years sober, please do NOT take this pp's advice, OP... that is, unles you want to end up divorced? Because THAT was an extremely manipulative thing to suggest...

I hope you never have mental health or addiction challenges, and have family that are like you & treat you the way you suggest.

If you're trying to help a loved one who's an addict, you're supposed to demonstrate all of the positive traits that you would like him to work on (such as transparency & honesty) in the hopes that he will begin to emulate you.

What you're NOT supposed to do, is act cold, calculating & untrustworthy, especially while they're looking to you for support & in their most vulnerable state.

While I agree that PP was incredibly callous, no, the OP doesn’t have to tolerate her DH’s behavior. Many, many people who struggle with addiction expect to be rescued and given passes indefinitely. They absolutely need support and care, but expecting family to do that with no end in sight is unreasonable, at best. The OP has two young children who need a stable parent; is she supposed to sacrifice their well-being to care for her adult husband who refuses to care for himself?

OP, you need to consult an attorney, immediately. You need to put your kids and yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Waste this phase?? You're disgusting.

As someone who's been working the program for 10 years sober, please do NOT take this pp's advice, OP... that is, unles you want to end up divorced? Because THAT was an extremely manipulative thing to suggest...

I hope you never have mental health or addiction challenges, and have family that are like you & treat you the way you suggest.

If you're trying to help a loved one who's an addict, you're supposed to demonstrate all of the positive traits that you would like him to work on (such as transparency & honesty) in the hopes that he will begin to emulate you.

What you're NOT supposed to do, is act cold, calculating & untrustworthy, especially while they're looking to you for support & in their most vulnerable state.

While I agree that PP was incredibly callous, no, the OP doesn’t have to tolerate her DH’s behavior. Many, many people who struggle with addiction expect to be rescued and given passes indefinitely. They absolutely need support and care, but expecting family to do that with no end in sight is unreasonable, at best. The OP has two young children who need a stable parent; is she supposed to sacrifice their well-being to care for her adult husband who refuses to care for himself?

OP, you need to consult an attorney, immediately. You need to put your kids and yourself first.

OP. Thanks I don’t plan on doing anything “manipulative”, but yea, I don’t feel any need to demonstrate positive traits or offer endless support at my own expense. I’ve been demonstrating positive traits our entire relationship and it hasn’t helped. I’ve certainly demonstrated being “hard working” the last few months and it’s just given him license to do less and less. I’ve always been transparent and honest and held myself to high standards.

I know the best thing I can do for him is hold him accountable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Waste this phase?? You're disgusting.

As someone who's been working the program for 10 years sober, please do NOT take this pp's advice, OP... that is, unles you want to end up divorced? Because THAT was an extremely manipulative thing to suggest...

I hope you never have mental health or addiction challenges, and have family that are like you & treat you the way you suggest.

If you're trying to help a loved one who's an addict, you're supposed to demonstrate all of the positive traits that you would like him to work on (such as transparency & honesty) in the hopes that he will begin to emulate you.

What you're NOT supposed to do, is act cold, calculating & untrustworthy, especially while they're looking to you for support & in their most vulnerable state.

While I agree that PP was incredibly callous, no, the OP doesn’t have to tolerate her DH’s behavior. Many, many people who struggle with addiction expect to be rescued and given passes indefinitely. They absolutely need support and care, but expecting family to do that with no end in sight is unreasonable, at best. The OP has two young children who need a stable parent; is she supposed to sacrifice their well-being to care for her adult husband who refuses to care for himself?

OP, you need to consult an attorney, immediately. You need to put your kids and yourself first.

OP. Thanks I don’t plan on doing anything “manipulative”, but yea, I don’t feel any need to demonstrate positive traits or offer endless support at my own expense. I’ve been demonstrating positive traits our entire relationship and it hasn’t helped. I’ve certainly demonstrated being “hard working” the last few months and it’s just given him license to do less and less. I’ve always been transparent and honest and held myself to high standards.

I know the best thing I can do for him is hold him accountable.

You’re welcome. Thinking that addiction can be cured by a significant other or family member’s support is completely inappropriate. Your DH needs medical treatment - and you’re not responsible for his well-being, OP. I’m sending you all the very best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Waste this phase?? You're disgusting.

As someone who's been working the program for 10 years sober, please do NOT take this pp's advice, OP... that is, unles you want to end up divorced? Because THAT was an extremely manipulative thing to suggest...

I hope you never have mental health or addiction challenges, and have family that are like you & treat you the way you suggest.

If you're trying to help a loved one who's an addict, you're supposed to demonstrate all of the positive traits that you would like him to work on (such as transparency & honesty) in the hopes that he will begin to emulate you.

What you're NOT supposed to do, is act cold, calculating & untrustworthy, especially while they're looking to you for support & in their most vulnerable state.

Sorry, you are spouting BS, PP. People get trust when they earn it. Her DH has been lying to her, and she has been modeling appropriate solutions for a long time.

It is important OP get as much custody as she canso the kids can grow up in a drug free environment. Just because the courts don’t care about that doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Waste this phase?? You're disgusting.

As someone who's been working the program for 10 years sober, please do NOT take this pp's advice, OP... that is, unles you want to end up divorced? Because THAT was an extremely manipulative thing to suggest...

I hope you never have mental health or addiction challenges, and have family that are like you & treat you the way you suggest.

If you're trying to help a loved one who's an addict, you're supposed to demonstrate all of the positive traits that you would like him to work on (such as transparency & honesty) in the hopes that he will begin to emulate you.

What you're NOT supposed to do, is act cold, calculating & untrustworthy, especially while they're looking to you for support & in their most vulnerable state.

You're making a lot of assumptions here. Her DH is an alcoholic who didn't even tell her he was an alcoholic and that his addiction ended his previous marriage. That is not a person who has any intention of addressing his addiction.

OP, I truly would not even try with a person like this. He doesn't believe he has a problem. You cannot help someone who doesn't believe they have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Waste this phase?? You're disgusting.

As someone who's been working the program for 10 years sober, please do NOT take this pp's advice, OP... that is, unles you want to end up divorced? Because THAT was an extremely manipulative thing to suggest...

I hope you never have mental health or addiction challenges, and have family that are like you & treat you the way you suggest.

If you're trying to help a loved one who's an addict, you're supposed to demonstrate all of the positive traits that you would like him to work on (such as transparency & honesty) in the hopes that he will begin to emulate you.

What you're NOT supposed to do, is act cold, calculating & untrustworthy, especially while they're looking to you for support & in their most vulnerable state.

Disgusting poster you’re quoting here. You didn’t read the thread before being outraged? The OP is seeking a divorce. She does not want to stay with and support the addict who is freeloading on her while she is 16 weeks postpartum, endangering her newborn and lying to her about mental illness to make sure he has enough free time to get high.

Much easier that she takes this time to document so she gets full or majority custody— and as another PP suggested a non-substance use clause— than spend even more of her life being jerked around by this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Waste this phase?? You're disgusting.

As someone who's been working the program for 10 years sober, please do NOT take this pp's advice, OP... that is, unles you want to end up divorced? Because THAT was an extremely manipulative thing to suggest...

I hope you never have mental health or addiction challenges, and have family that are like you & treat you the way you suggest.

If you're trying to help a loved one who's an addict, you're supposed to demonstrate all of the positive traits that you would like him to work on (such as transparency & honesty) in the hopes that he will begin to emulate you.

What you're NOT supposed to do, is act cold, calculating & untrustworthy, especially while they're looking to you for support & in their most vulnerable state.

Have you fallen off the wagon and can't read? OP does want to end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Thanks for the responses. It helps to know some Internet strangers are on my side, ha.

We tried having a discussion and it was like beating my head against a wall. I *know* I’m being gaslit and yet he’s still making me question myself. He’s done a lot of therapy and so knows a lot of the buzzwords.

Like when I pointed out his behavior is classic addiction behavior, he asks me to judge him as an individual, not based off a textbook.

Or when I pointed out I can’t rely on him to handle cooking even just 2 nights a week, he’s says it’s simply not true. That he does do it, I just need to communicate. I said I have communicated it, and he’ll do it once or twice but then stop, and the only way I can get him to is if I physically sit down with him, help him write a grocery list, take him to the grocery store myself and make sure he buys everything. He says that’s normal and my problem is I don’t like to meal plan…wtf. I’ve been meal planning every week for months. I feel that with most couples, each person can write a grocery list on their own and then alternate who gets groceries each week.

The real kicker is when he said his weed use isn’t a problem. When I pointed out yesterday, he said it didn’t count. When I pointed out three weeks ago, he said staying up late one night isn’t a problem, just like if I stayed up a little later to have a beer. When I said sneaking off to “walk the dog” at 6pm when I’m in the thick of things is a problem, he said I encouraged him to go for walks. Yea, when I thought he was just struggling with depression, I said he could go for walks *for exercise and sunshine*, not as an excuse to skip out on family life and get high. He said “well I also did it for exercise, too!”

Now he’s even saying it would be easier if I moved out because I have less stuff (most of our furniture is his from before we were married). Yea, way easier for me to move with 2 kids and 2 dogs.

This is all just so bizarre for me. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if he’s just been good at hiding everything from me, I don’t know if this is just all coming out with the new baby, I don’t know if he’s had some sort of mental break or what. I ended up speaking with his ex wife yesterday and she told me he had a bad drinking problem when they were married and hid liquor all over the house. I never would have suspected that, he never seemed to be a problem drinker to me but he admitted he will drink a lot and hide it. I guess he has just been very good at remaining functional but now it’s all fallen apart with a new baby.

DO NOT MOVE OUT. Legally, this is a terrible idea. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR HOME.