OP from an earlier thread back with an update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, weed is a depressant. So he’s barking up the wrong tree if he thinks that will fix his mood issue. Since you all have a 4 month old I would guess that the likelier cause of this depression is sleep deprivation, life stress, and the addition of a newborn to your family. If you both aren’t getting 8 solid hours of sleep each night, table the divorce and mental health conversations and focus on that.

DP, not the OP. I suspect you're the same PP who did the long post telling OP she was "hysterical" and her kids would resent her later for divorcing? This post makes me think you don't really believe pot can be addictive either. It can, whether you "believe" that or not. I hope you read OP's reply to you above. If this were a man drinking alcohol, hiding it from his wife, drinking during the middle of the day, drinking while in charge of their infant, letting it affect the family's lives, he would be called out as an alcoholic. But because it's weed, well, dads in your neighborhood smoke it and the wives don't get hysterical like OP, right? Wrong. She's not hysterical; read her posts. She's being the adult in the household. That role includes knowing when to tell him he has to leave and get help for a substance that has upended their family life. The time for advice on better sleep habits is long past.

My husband was in this situation. His mom divorced his dad because he was “emotionally abusive.” Then divorced the stepdad because he was a drunk. She is hysterical and never worked on her own issues that caused the rifts in her relationships. She fought tooth and nail to get custody of my husband and his sister, they had supervised visitations, court ordered evaluations, and she did multiple rounds in court to try to get sole custody, but never did. The toll that it has taken on my husband and his sister is extreme. Divorce does not get rid of the other parent and it turns children into pawns. My parents twice divorced as well and I have lived this. I suspect many of you posters are not children of multiple divorces and have no freaking clue what you are signing these poor kids up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. No, I am pushing back on OP throwing the towel in on her marriage when they have not even tried couples counseling. Also, Op how much sleep are you guys getting? You didn’t answer that either. You are postpartum and probably reeling from the addition of a second child to
Your family. Both of you, and adjusting in different ways. Instead of pushing each other away and seeking solace in drugs or controlling behavior you need to find your way back together to each other as a couple. Some us have been there recently enough to actually know how hard it has been and is to have kids during COVID.

For all of you supporting her, realize that the kids will be the ones to bear the brunt of a hasty divorce decision. The kids will spend their lives wanting their parents back together. They will ask, did you try everything you could? Did you go to a therapist? Divorce is a lifelong wound for children. It makes them far more likelier to divorce and is associated with all sorts of poor outcomes. It also is not likely to make Op happier.

Addiction is a family disease and Op has a role in her husband’s addiction. they need to at least attempt to address their relationship and his drug use with a marriage counselor and maybe a stint in in our outpatient rehab before taking the nuclear option. Many people save their marriages OP but here people just want to cheer you on to join you in the divorce camp so they feel better about their decision. Marriage issue? Divorce. Husband is angry? Divorce. Infidelity? Divorce.

OP. I get 7+ hours of sleep a night. He stays up late playing on his phone and smoking in the garage, so he gets 7+ hours if I let him sleep in, far less if I wake him up to help me with the kids.

Regardless, I can’t go on like this. I have had breakdowns in public from having to do literally everything so he can act like a teenager. I can’t take anymore, and for my own sanity, I need him out. If he’s serious, he’ll address his addiction on his own. If he doesn’t, then he never intended to in the first place. I need to take care of myself and my kids right now, I am unable to take care of a grown man.

[Anonymous]

If you want him to be around for his kids and you can find any bandwidth to do so then support him as he gets his act together…………but while separated. He will not change while you are together, he needs life to slap him hard and shake him out of his current patterns.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this all new behavior from DH? He didn't smoke weed or stay up late in a way that was problematic for you prior to 13 months ago? If this is a continuation of that, what made you get pregnant and have a pandemic baby with this man?

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best, but thinking a baby is going to fix a marriage that likely has had cracks in it for a long time is wishful thinking at best. And I do agree with PP that divorce has long term negative effects on children. Please proceed with caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. No, I am pushing back on OP throwing the towel in on her marriage when they have not even tried couples counseling. Also, Op how much sleep are you guys getting? You didn’t answer that either. You are postpartum and probably reeling from the addition of a second child to
Your family. Both of you, and adjusting in different ways. Instead of pushing each other away and seeking solace in drugs or controlling behavior you need to find your way back together to each other as a couple. Some us have been there recently enough to actually know how hard it has been and is to have kids during COVID.

For all of you supporting her, realize that the kids will be the ones to bear the brunt of a hasty divorce decision. The kids will spend their lives wanting their parents back together. They will ask, did you try everything you could? Did you go to a therapist? Divorce is a lifelong wound for children. It makes them far more likelier to divorce and is associated with all sorts of poor outcomes. It also is not likely to make Op happier.

Addiction is a family disease and Op has a role in her husband’s addiction. they need to at least attempt to address their relationship and his drug use with a marriage counselor and maybe a stint in in our outpatient rehab before taking the nuclear option. Many people save their marriages OP but here people just want to cheer you on to join you in the divorce camp so they feel better about their decision. Marriage issue? Divorce. Husband is angry? Divorce. Infidelity? Divorce.

“Your father had a substance abuse problem that was not under control and it wasn’t safe for him to take care of you” is pretty easy actually. OP is not obliged to remain married to an addict so you can grind your anti-divorce axe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. No, I am pushing back on OP throwing the towel in on her marriage when they have not even tried couples counseling. Also, Op how much sleep are you guys getting? You didn’t answer that either. You are postpartum and probably reeling from the addition of a second child to
Your family. Both of you, and adjusting in different ways. Instead of pushing each other away and seeking solace in drugs or controlling behavior you need to find your way back together to each other as a couple. Some us have been there recently enough to actually know how hard it has been and is to have kids during COVID.

For all of you supporting her, realize that the kids will be the ones to bear the brunt of a hasty divorce decision. The kids will spend their lives wanting their parents back together. They will ask, did you try everything you could? Did you go to a therapist? Divorce is a lifelong wound for children. It makes them far more likelier to divorce and is associated with all sorts of poor outcomes. It also is not likely to make Op happier.

Addiction is a family disease and Op has a role in her husband’s addiction. they need to at least attempt to address their relationship and his drug use with a marriage counselor and maybe a stint in in our outpatient rehab before taking the nuclear option. Many people save their marriages OP but here people just want to cheer you on to join you in the divorce camp so they feel better about their decision. Marriage issue? Divorce. Husband is angry? Divorce. Infidelity? Divorce.

“Your father had a substance abuse problem that was not under control and it wasn’t safe for him to take care of you” is pretty easy actually. OP is not obliged to remain married to an addict so you can grind your anti-divorce axe.

Very odd that PP thinks infidelity is not a reason to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, weed is a depressant. So he’s barking up the wrong tree if he thinks that will fix his mood issue. Since you all have a 4 month old I would guess that the likelier cause of this depression is sleep deprivation, life stress, and the addition of a newborn to your family. If you both aren’t getting 8 solid hours of sleep each night, table the divorce and mental health conversations and focus on that.

DP, not the OP. I suspect you're the same PP who did the long post telling OP she was "hysterical" and her kids would resent her later for divorcing? This post makes me think you don't really believe pot can be addictive either. It can, whether you "believe" that or not. I hope you read OP's reply to you above. If this were a man drinking alcohol, hiding it from his wife, drinking during the middle of the day, drinking while in charge of their infant, letting it affect the family's lives, he would be called out as an alcoholic. But because it's weed, well, dads in your neighborhood smoke it and the wives don't get hysterical like OP, right? Wrong. She's not hysterical; read her posts. She's being the adult in the household. That role includes knowing when to tell him he has to leave and get help for a substance that has upended their family life. The time for advice on better sleep habits is long past.

My husband was in this situation. His mom divorced his dad because he was “emotionally abusive.” Then divorced the stepdad because he was a drunk. She is hysterical and never worked on her own issues that caused the rifts in her relationships. She fought tooth and nail to get custody of my husband and his sister, they had supervised visitations, court ordered evaluations, and she did multiple rounds in court to try to get sole custody, but never did. The toll that it has taken on my husband and his sister is extreme. Divorce does not get rid of the other parent and it turns children into pawns. My parents twice divorced as well and I have lived this. I suspect many of you posters are not children of multiple divorces and have no freaking clue what you are signing these poor kids up for.

I'm sorry this happened to your DH, but there's a line between advising OP based on one's experiences, and projecting those experiences onto OP's situation.

OP's posts don't come across as hysterical at all. She hasn't said a thing about "getting rid of" her DH from her kids' lives forever. She is talking separation right now, getting the form of custody that keeps her kids safest for now, getting him to go to rehab, and finding breathing space for herself and her kids. That's not hysterical knee-jerk instant divorce talk; it's the talk of a person done with another person's addiction affecting the family. And it might end up in divorce, but not every divorce will be like your in-laws'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is this all new behavior from DH? He didn't smoke weed or stay up late in a way that was problematic for you prior to 13 months ago? If this is a continuation of that, what made you get pregnant and have a pandemic baby with this man?

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best, but thinking a baby is going to fix a marriage that likely has had cracks in it for a long time is wishful thinking at best. And I do agree with PP that divorce has long term negative effects on children. Please proceed with caution.

Wow...where did OP say their baby was her idea to "fix a marriage"? That's quite a leap to make unless you read that in her posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Voice of dissent here. My experience on these threads is that there are a lot of divorced people who want other people to get divorced to affirm their life choice and to validate themselves and to address the social isolation and stigma they likely feel in real life by building a virtual community of other people who are and support for virtually any circumstance.

I found your first post interesting. Your husband is asking your permission to use weed, and you are trying to put all sorts of parameters on his usage, how often, when, dosage, etc. It seems to me, that you are very controlling and so perhaps this secret usage is a way to avoid you controlling his recreational drug use.

I’m sorry, but leaving the baby on a car seat - outside - so he can smoke a joint, to me, is not a divorcable event. It isn’t the best idea and smacks of immaturity but he’s an adult, weed is legal in many areas, and frankly, a ton of men smoke pot. In my upper crust Bethesda neighborhood, I know of at least a half dozen married fathers who occasionally get together after the kids go down for bed and hang out in the yard and smoke pot. None of the wives are in the hysterics you are. Was he blowing the smoke in the baby’s face? Probably not. Was the baby safe and being observed. Probably. Was he far enough away for baby to avoid second hand? Probably. Your utter hysteria, to me, is the problem. It sounds like you have created a very materialistic relationship with your partner where you are controlling and angry, he feels controlled by you and rebels by withdrawing and getting angry, hiding things, getting more depressed, and doing less around the home which fuels your anger and resentment and you try to put greater control on him. Vicious cycle.

What the two of you need - in the thick of difficult years parenting - is couples counseling. This is not a divorcable event, sorry. When you made wedding vows you promised to stick by each other in better and worse times. This is a worse time. To not even try to save your marriage with a 4 month old, is a decision you will later retreat, because these little kids will grow up and constantly wonder why you got divorced and if they caused it. You should at least, at the end of the day, be able to tell them that you did everything you could to save the marriage. And I’m sorry, but you have not done that.

it truly never ceases to amaze me how far society will go to protect a man from the consequences of his behavior and blame-shift to a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. No, I am pushing back on OP throwing the towel in on her marriage when they have not even tried couples counseling. Also, Op how much sleep are you guys getting? You didn’t answer that either. You are postpartum and probably reeling from the addition of a second child to
Your family. Both of you, and adjusting in different ways. Instead of pushing each other away and seeking solace in drugs or controlling behavior you need to find your way back together to each other as a couple. Some us have been there recently enough to actually know how hard it has been and is to have kids during COVID.

For all of you supporting her, realize that the kids will be the ones to bear the brunt of a hasty divorce decision. The kids will spend their lives wanting their parents back together. They will ask, did you try everything you could? Did you go to a therapist? Divorce is a lifelong wound for children. It makes them far more likelier to divorce and is associated with all sorts of poor outcomes. It also is not likely to make Op happier.

Addiction is a family disease and Op has a role in her husband’s addiction. they need to at least attempt to address their relationship and his drug use with a marriage counselor and maybe a stint in in our outpatient rehab before taking the nuclear option. Many people save their marriages OP but here people just want to cheer you on to join you in the divorce camp so they feel better about their decision. Marriage issue? Divorce. Husband is angry? Divorce. Infidelity? Divorce.

Addiction is a disease that affects the family. OP is affected by her husband’s drug use. But, she doesn’t “have a role” in his addiction, in the sense that she has any responsibility for it - neither did she cause it nor can she cure it. His addiction is his responsibility alone.

Spouses of substance users aren’t obliged to stick around and save them. OP has had many conversations and her DH’s response has not been to stop or seek help for drug use but to continue to use and lie about it.

Relationship counseling is no more appropriate for drug use than for domestic abuse or any other kind of abusive situation. Individual therapy for the OP - yes. Drug counseling and psychiatric help for the Dh, with check-ins with OP - yes. Relationship counseling after DH has started some kind of treatment - yes.

But, drug use is not a relationship problem to be solved with couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

Whoa. There are some crazy posts here. if you have ever loved an addict PPs would know that most addicts love their addiction more than their spouse.

There is a reason families are ruined by addiction. It is hard issue to address and treat. Therapy can only do so much and it is not up to the non-addict to see if things will get better with marriage counseling. It is up to the sober spouse to keep the kids safe. An addict will always choose their addition over the safety of their child. Always.

So yes. Addiction? Divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP is not telling us the whole story. How long has this been going on? If it predates the baby, why did you have a second child without addressing it? Was this a planned child? Did her husband want this baby? What issues predate the kids? All of this is relevant.

[Anonymous]

So many are jumping to call this addiction. So Op needs to explain how much he’s smoking. If he’s just staying up late to have alone time and time, that’s not a divorcable offense.

[Anonymous]

Alone time and toke

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Voice of dissent here. My experience on these threads is that there are a lot of divorced people who want other people to get divorced to affirm their life choice and to validate themselves and to address the social isolation and stigma they likely feel in real life by building a virtual community of other people who are and support for virtually any circumstance.

I found your first post interesting. Your husband is asking your permission to use weed, and you are trying to put all sorts of parameters on his usage, how often, when, dosage, etc. It seems to me, that you are very controlling and so perhaps this secret usage is a way to avoid you controlling his recreational drug use.

I’m sorry, but leaving the baby on a car seat - outside - so he can smoke a joint, to me, is not a divorcable event. It isn’t the best idea and smacks of immaturity but he’s an adult, weed is legal in many areas, and frankly, a ton of men smoke pot. In my upper crust Bethesda neighborhood, I know of at least a half dozen married fathers who occasionally get together after the kids go down for bed and hang out in the yard and smoke pot. None of the wives are in the hysterics you are. Was he blowing the smoke in the baby’s face? Probably not. Was the baby safe and being observed. Probably. Was he far enough away for baby to avoid second hand? Probably. Your utter hysteria, to me, is the problem. It sounds like you have created a very materialistic relationship with your partner where you are controlling and angry, he feels controlled by you and rebels by withdrawing and getting angry, hiding things, getting more depressed, and doing less around the home which fuels your anger and resentment and you try to put greater control on him. Vicious cycle.

What the two of you need - in the thick of difficult years parenting - is couples counseling. This is not a divorcable event, sorry. When you made wedding vows you promised to stick by each other in better and worse times. This is a worse time. To not even try to save your marriage with a 4 month old, is a decision you will later retreat, because these little kids will grow up and constantly wonder why you got divorced and if they caused it. You should at least, at the end of the day, be able to tell them that you did everything you could to save the marriage. And I’m sorry, but you have not done that.

it truly never ceases to amaze me how far society will go to protect a man from the consequences of his behavior and blame-shift to a woman.

As a man, my reaction to this is 😂😂😂😂😂

“Society” is much like DCUM Relationships - any relationship / marital / sexual problem is assumed to be always 100% the man’s fault.