OP from an earlier thread back with an update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many are jumping to call this addiction. So Op needs to explain how much he’s smoking. If he’s just staying up late to have alone time and time, that’s not a divorcable offense.

OP. As I mentioned, it’s:

- staying up so late he sleeps in until noon on weekends, and often until 9-10am on weekdays (and is then late for work)
- smoking while driving
- smoking around the baby
- sneaking off in the afternoons to smoke
- using it as an excuse to do nothing. Doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, doesn’t help with the kids or pets, and has been claiming it is all due to depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many are jumping to call this addiction. So Op needs to explain how much he’s smoking. If he’s just staying up late to have alone time and time, that’s not a divorcable offense.

OP does not owe us a calendar of when he's been smoking and how much each time. If his smoking is a problem, he is a problem smoker.

You are making out that his smoking is recreational. Really read. It's not.

Also: Did you miss the post where she describes how he jumped and bolted to hide the fact he was smoking, when she came in unexpectedly? Their infant was there with him and their infant has had Covid AND was a preemie, so must not be around any form of smoke. And he had the baby there with him while he was toking. He knew it was wrong or he wouldn't have fled like he did. He is not able to make good choices and adult decisions around their kids. Those last three words are the final straw for OP, I think. But PPs here are determined the DH is just some relaxed, recreational weed user and OP is a controlling spouse who should do couples therapy and accept her "role" in HIS addiction. That's not how dealing with an addict works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many are jumping to call this addiction. So Op needs to explain how much he’s smoking. If he’s just staying up late to have alone time and time, that’s not a divorcable offense.

OP. As I mentioned, it’s:

- staying up so late he sleeps in until noon on weekends, and often until 9-10am on weekdays (and is then late for work)
- smoking while driving
- smoking around the baby
- sneaking off in the afternoons to smoke
- using it as an excuse to do nothing. Doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, doesn’t help with the kids or pets, and has been claiming it is all due to depression

DP. Saying this not for OP who knows it already, I"m sure, but for the PPs here who think her DH is some kind of henpecked depressed guy who just likes a toke: The bold ALONE is reason for her to kick him out and tell him he must get treatment and the treatment needs to stick.

Even if you live in a state where recreational weed is legal, driving under the influence is not legal anywhere. He eventually will get pulled over and arrested. He could lose his job, potentially damage any future career prospects (if he needs clearances etc.) and if, God forbid, a kid were in that car, BOTH he and OP could end up embroiled with CPS. At best. Oh, yeah, and he could end up killing himself or killing or injuring someone else if he drives while high. This is the brightest of bright red lines and he's crossed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is not telling us the whole story. How long has this been going on? If it predates the baby, why did you have a second child without addressing it? Was this a planned child? Did her husband want this baby? What issues predate the kids? All of this is relevant.

I do not know how long this has been going on. For a long time, he has used depression as an excuse for why he needed certain things or couldn’t do certain things. It all came to a head after the baby was born, because “depression” became an excuse. He needed to go have alone time during busy kid times. He needed to sleep in. He couldn’t cook or clean up, even when he was up until 2am. I let it all slide because I thought it was truly helping him. Like going for a walk, getting rest - I was taking on more of a burden so he could take care of his health, even though I was exhausted.

Now I’ve found out none of it was true. “Depression” was a cover so he could use cannabis. And now he’s using it around the baby, which is unacceptable to me and he knows this. I tried to have an open mind, and told him if cannabis truly helped him with his mental health, let’s go see a doctor and get him well. He wasn’t interested in his mental health, he was interested in getting high daily without consequence.

He very much wanted this baby. He has been sobbing about how he worked so hard for this life and now it’s over.

It’s not the weed. It’s the behavior around it. If he were staying up all night eating peanut butter sandwiches and therefore sleeping in all day, it would be a problem. If he was sneaking off in the afternoon to eat peanut butter sandwiches for 2 hours under the guise of running errands, it would be a problem. If he was neglecting a baby because he was in the backyard eating peanut butter sandwiches, it would be a problem. If he was blowing all of our money on jars of fancy peanut butter, it would be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. No, I am pushing back on OP throwing the towel in on her marriage when they have not even tried couples counseling. Also, Op how much sleep are you guys getting? You didn’t answer that either. You are postpartum and probably reeling from the addition of a second child to
Your family. Both of you, and adjusting in different ways. Instead of pushing each other away and seeking solace in drugs or controlling behavior you need to find your way back together to each other as a couple. Some us have been there recently enough to actually know how hard it has been and is to have kids during COVID.

For all of you supporting her, realize that the kids will be the ones to bear the brunt of a hasty divorce decision. The kids will spend their lives wanting their parents back together. They will ask, did you try everything you could? Did you go to a therapist? Divorce is a lifelong wound for children. It makes them far more likelier to divorce and is associated with all sorts of poor outcomes. It also is not likely to make Op happier.

Addiction is a family disease and Op has a role in her husband’s addiction. they need to at least attempt to address their relationship and his drug use with a marriage counselor and maybe a stint in in our outpatient rehab before taking the nuclear option. Many people save their marriages OP but here people just want to cheer you on to join you in the divorce camp so they feel better about their decision. Marriage issue? Divorce. Husband is angry? Divorce. Infidelity? Divorce.

Addiction is a disease that affects the family. OP is affected by her husband’s drug use. But, she doesn’t “have a role” in his addiction, in the sense that she has any responsibility for it - neither did she cause it nor can she cure it. His addiction is his responsibility alone.

Spouses of substance users aren’t obliged to stick around and save them. OP has had many conversations and her DH’s response has not been to stop or seek help for drug use but to continue to use and lie about it.

Relationship counseling is no more appropriate for drug use than for domestic abuse or any other kind of abusive situation. Individual therapy for the OP - yes. Drug counseling and psychiatric help for the Dh, with check-ins with OP - yes. Relationship counseling after DH has started some kind of treatment - yes.

But, drug use is not a relationship problem to be solved with couples therapy.

This, above. Excellent post. There's some serious misunderstanding on this thread about the role of the spouse of an addicted person. This post nails it correctly.

[Anonymous]

OP's posts, in this thread and the prior one, do not strike me as hysterical in any way. She strikes me as someone at the absolute end of her rope in dealing with someone who is choosing smoking weed over other healthier choices for the family (i.e. staying up so late he cannot watch the children or get to work on time [which could result in loss of employment which affects them all], smoking around a baby with respiratory issues). Personally I think a separation is the right choice here...separation does not automatically mean divorce. But it will give her some space to reflect on her situation and allow the husband to think about how his choices affect the family and if he needs/wants to change.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but This thread is off the rails. OP said this recent behavior had happened for a few weeks. A few weeks, with a huge family adjustment due to a new baby who had COVID and all the sleep deprivation and stress and hormonal changes for men and women that occur during this time.

OP now has a bunch of histrionic, divorced women with nothing better to do on a gorgeous summer day egging her on and saying her DH is going to lose his job, he is addicted, going to be arrested, etc. and telling her to leave him and divorce him. Because he has been using pot for a few weeks? Making some poor choices? Is feeling depressed? Isn’t pulling weight around the house?

Smoking pot for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. Smoking outside once with a child nearby is a poor decision, but what does OP do on the sidewalks when someone’s smoking a cigarette or weed and is blowing it and walks by her and the baby? Happened to me ALL the time living in DC. How far was he from the baby? Was he using a vape pen or an actual joint? These details ALL matter.

OP your husband does not need rehab, he’s not an addict unless this has been going on for longer than a few weeks. You all need some marriage counseling and he needs individual therapy.

These boards are a self selecting audience. A confluence of opinions here means a half dozen divorced women want you to join their ranks. It’s not a realistic perspective you are getting. The man who joined here is basically saying y’all are crazy. This is why you need a professional to help you guys out, not DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not recently divorced. It’s a hard and sad process, but there’s also a lot of peace that comes with it. This is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter of you. You are going to love your new found freedom, and the return of your mental and emotional energy. Best of luck to you! You should be proud of yourself.

OP. I’m excited for this. There’s a lot I’ve been wanting to do - get some certifications, expand my side hustle - but I was so consumed with trying to make his life as stress-free as possible. Even just getting an extra hour of sleep now will be amazing.

I'm not sure how you think you're going to have MORE free time if you are a single mom with full custody of your two children.

Also, it's not clear from your posts - have you TRIED to get your husband treatment (mental health or alcohol/drug treatment)? Or were his previous attempts at quitting done on his own? Personally, I might try inpatient treatment first before divorce, but obviously that is your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but This thread is off the rails. OP said this recent behavior had happened for a few weeks. A few weeks, with a huge family adjustment due to a new baby who had COVID and all the sleep deprivation and stress and hormonal changes for men and women that occur during this time.

OP now has a bunch of histrionic, divorced women with nothing better to do on a gorgeous summer day egging her on and saying her DH is going to lose his job, he is addicted, going to be arrested, etc. and telling her to leave him and divorce him. Because he has been using pot for a few weeks? Making some poor choices? Is feeling depressed? Isn’t pulling weight around the house?

Smoking pot for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. Smoking outside once with a child nearby is a poor decision, but what does OP do on the sidewalks when someone’s smoking a cigarette or weed and is blowing it and walks by her and the baby? Happened to me ALL the time living in DC. How far was he from the baby? Was he using a vape pen or an actual joint? These details ALL matter.

OP your husband does not need rehab, he’s not an addict unless this has been going on for longer than a few weeks. You all need some marriage counseling and he needs individual therapy.

These boards are a self selecting audience. A confluence of opinions here means a half dozen divorced women want you to join their ranks. It’s not a realistic perspective you are getting. The man who joined here is basically saying y’all are crazy. This is why you need a professional to help you guys out, not DCUM.

I don't think you know anything about addiction. Maybe consider not giving advice when you have no experience when any of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not recently divorced. It’s a hard and sad process, but there’s also a lot of peace that comes with it. This is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter of you. You are going to love your new found freedom, and the return of your mental and emotional energy. Best of luck to you! You should be proud of yourself.

OP. I’m excited for this. There’s a lot I’ve been wanting to do - get some certifications, expand my side hustle - but I was so consumed with trying to make his life as stress-free as possible. Even just getting an extra hour of sleep now will be amazing.

I'm not sure how you think you're going to have MORE free time if you are a single mom with full custody of your two children.

Also, it's not clear from your posts - have you TRIED to get your husband treatment (mental health or alcohol/drug treatment)? Or were his previous attempts at quitting done on his own? Personally, I might try inpatient treatment first before divorce, but obviously that is your decision.

I want to clarify that I know it's not your responsibility to "get him treatment" and that was a poor choice of words. I should have said - is he open to the idea of getting counseling and treatment for his addiction(s)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but This thread is off the rails. OP said this recent behavior had happened for a few weeks. A few weeks, with a huge family adjustment due to a new baby who had COVID and all the sleep deprivation and stress and hormonal changes for men and women that occur during this time.

OP now has a bunch of histrionic, divorced women with nothing better to do on a gorgeous summer day egging her on and saying her DH is going to lose his job, he is addicted, going to be arrested, etc. and telling her to leave him and divorce him. Because he has been using pot for a few weeks? Making some poor choices? Is feeling depressed? Isn’t pulling weight around the house?

Smoking pot for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. Smoking outside once with a child nearby is a poor decision, but what does OP do on the sidewalks when someone’s smoking a cigarette or weed and is blowing it and walks by her and the baby? Happened to me ALL the time living in DC. How far was he from the baby? Was he using a vape pen or an actual joint? These details ALL matter.

OP your husband does not need rehab, he’s not an addict unless this has been going on for longer than a few weeks. You all need some marriage counseling and he needs individual therapy.

These boards are a self selecting audience. A confluence of opinions here means a half dozen divorced women want you to join their ranks. It’s not a realistic perspective you are getting. The man who joined here is basically saying y’all are crazy. This is why you need a professional to help you guys out, not DCUM.

I don't think you know anything about addiction. Maybe consider not giving advice when you have no experience when any of things.

Smoking cannabis recreationally for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. My sister is an alcoholic, been in rehab 7x over 10 years. This is entirely different. Change my mind.

And Op read this, divorce is not a panacea.
http://yourdivorcequestions.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but This thread is off the rails. OP said this recent behavior had happened for a few weeks. A few weeks, with a huge family adjustment due to a new baby who had COVID and all the sleep deprivation and stress and hormonal changes for men and women that occur during this time.

OP now has a bunch of histrionic, divorced women with nothing better to do on a gorgeous summer day egging her on and saying her DH is going to lose his job, he is addicted, going to be arrested, etc. and telling her to leave him and divorce him. Because he has been using pot for a few weeks? Making some poor choices? Is feeling depressed? Isn’t pulling weight around the house?

Smoking pot for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. Smoking outside once with a child nearby is a poor decision, but what does OP do on the sidewalks when someone’s smoking a cigarette or weed and is blowing it and walks by her and the baby? Happened to me ALL the time living in DC. How far was he from the baby? Was he using a vape pen or an actual joint? These details ALL matter.

OP your husband does not need rehab, he’s not an addict unless this has been going on for longer than a few weeks. You all need some marriage counseling and he needs individual therapy.

These boards are a self selecting audience. A confluence of opinions here means a half dozen divorced women want you to join their ranks. It’s not a realistic perspective you are getting. The man who joined here is basically saying y’all are crazy. This is why you need a professional to help you guys out, not DCUM.

It’s not just the smoke. I know someone who asphyxiated a baby because they were high and swaddled the baby incorrectly. This was someone who used regularly and thought they knew their limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would happily carry the burden of 2 kids vs the drama of this man. You are right that he is remorseful because he got caught. Tell him to figure out his life in his new apartment.

I wish my mother would have had the will and concern to make such a decision on my behalf about 39 years ago, OP.

Instead, she stayed with him and his addictions worsened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but This thread is off the rails. OP said this recent behavior had happened for a few weeks. A few weeks, with a huge family adjustment due to a new baby who had COVID and all the sleep deprivation and stress and hormonal changes for men and women that occur during this time.

OP now has a bunch of histrionic, divorced women with nothing better to do on a gorgeous summer day egging her on and saying her DH is going to lose his job, he is addicted, going to be arrested, etc. and telling her to leave him and divorce him. Because he has been using pot for a few weeks? Making some poor choices? Is feeling depressed? Isn’t pulling weight around the house?

Smoking pot for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. Smoking outside once with a child nearby is a poor decision, but what does OP do on the sidewalks when someone’s smoking a cigarette or weed and is blowing it and walks by her and the baby? Happened to me ALL the time living in DC. How far was he from the baby? Was he using a vape pen or an actual joint? These details ALL matter.

OP your husband does not need rehab, he’s not an addict unless this has been going on for longer than a few weeks. You all need some marriage counseling and he needs individual therapy.

These boards are a self selecting audience. A confluence of opinions here means a half dozen divorced women want you to join their ranks. It’s not a realistic perspective you are getting. The man who joined here is basically saying y’all are crazy. This is why you need a professional to help you guys out, not DCUM.

I don't think you know anything about addiction. Maybe consider not giving advice when you have no experience when any of things.

Smoking cannabis recreationally for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. My sister is an alcoholic, been in rehab 7x over 10 years. This is entirely different. Change my mind.

And Op read this, divorce is not a panacea.
http://yourdivorcequestions.org/

OP. I’m tapped out. I can’t take anymore from him. I’m tired of doing everything. I don’t want to have to manage him. I don’t want to have to monitor his use, I don’t want to add marriage counseling to my already busy schedule, I don’t want to deal with him going to rehab or meetings or whatever. Because now instead of watching the kids so he can sleep in after getting high all night, I have to watch the kids so he can go to therapy or a meeting or whatever.

If he had come to me and said he had a problem and needed help, fine. But I can’t trust him. He lied to my face multiple times. Now I have to worry about what else he could be lying about.

He certainly isn’t showing any level of concern for my well-being. He’s not once asked how I’m doing, it’s all him crying about how horrible his life will be now. What about my life? Does he think it’s fun for me to play mommy to a grown man who wants to act like a teenager? So we had a baby. Tough. I’m going through the same thing, not to mention hormones and BFing and healing from birth, and I’m not running around acting like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not recently divorced. It’s a hard and sad process, but there’s also a lot of peace that comes with it. This is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter of you. You are going to love your new found freedom, and the return of your mental and emotional energy. Best of luck to you! You should be proud of yourself.

OP. I’m excited for this. There’s a lot I’ve been wanting to do - get some certifications, expand my side hustle - but I was so consumed with trying to make his life as stress-free as possible. Even just getting an extra hour of sleep now will be amazing.

I'm not sure how you think you're going to have MORE free time if you are a single mom with full custody of your two children.

Also, it's not clear from your posts - have you TRIED to get your husband treatment (mental health or alcohol/drug treatment)? Or were his previous attempts at quitting done on his own? Personally, I might try inpatient treatment first before divorce, but obviously that is your decision.

I want to clarify that I know it's not your responsibility to "get him treatment" and that was a poor choice of words. I should have said - is he open to the idea of getting counseling and treatment for his addiction(s)?

OP. He says he will. But I don’t have the bandwidth to manage that. I don’t want to nag him about when he’s going, I don’t want to constantly check in if he went to therapy, I don’t want to constantly coordinate with him. I don’t want him using “get treatment” as just a box to check to keep me around. If he truly feels he needs treatment, he will get it without me. If he only does treatment under the condition that we stay together, then I know he wasn’t serious about it.