OP from an earlier thread back with an update.

[Anonymous]

OP. H wanted to talk and outlined an entire plan how he'll move out, come over to help in the evenings, get into therapy and treatment, build a support system, etc. Great.

Then he added, "but if we get back together, I need to know that if I screw up again, I can tell you and you won't get angry and kick me out again. Otherwise I'll end up lying to you so you don't get mad".

Wut. I feel like the dentist kid - "Is this real life?" That it's my fault if he lies because he doesn't want to be held accountable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

Waste this phase?? You're disgusting.

As someone who's been working the program for 10 years sober, please do NOT take this pp's advice, OP... that is, unles you want to end up divorced? Because THAT was an extremely manipulative thing to suggest...

I hope you never have mental health or addiction challenges, and have family that are like you & treat you the way you suggest.

If you're trying to help a loved one who's an addict, you're supposed to demonstrate all of the positive traits that you would like him to work on (such as transparency & honesty) in the hopes that he will begin to emulate you.

What you're NOT supposed to do, is act cold, calculating & untrustworthy, especially while they're looking to you for support & in their most vulnerable state.

What in the Sam Hill?

It is NOT up to the spouse to fix this. It is up to the addict and medical professionals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. H wanted to talk and outlined an entire plan how he'll move out, come over to help in the evenings, get into therapy and treatment, build a support system, etc. Great.

Then he added, "but if we get back together, I need to know that if I screw up again, I can tell you and you won't get angry and kick me out again. Otherwise I'll end up lying to you so you don't get mad".

Wut. I feel like the dentist kid - "Is this real life?" That it's my fault if he lies because he doesn't want to be held accountable?

I can almost positively tell you how this will end. You will share custody and he will never see the kids which will be a blessing. Sorry you are dealing with this OP. Definitely BTDT and ripping that bandaid off is tough but needs to be done. Until he accepts his addiction as his problem there is no way he will try to get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. H wanted to talk and outlined an entire plan how he'll move out, come over to help in the evenings, get into therapy and treatment, build a support system, etc. Great.

Then he added, "but if we get back together, I need to know that if I screw up again, I can tell you and you won't get angry and kick me out again. Otherwise I'll end up lying to you so you don't get mad".

Wut. I feel like the dentist kid - "Is this real life?" That it's my fault if he lies because he doesn't want to be held accountable?

He moves out, great, you start the clock on separation and consult a lawyer for next steps. If by a miracle his “treatment and support network” is successful than cool, he’ll be a better co-parent and maybe someone you can leave your children with. If (probably) nothing actually changes he will be well on his way to being someone else’s problem. Perhaps part of his recovery can be signing a post-nup so he really has some skin in the game to avoid all these unavoidable screw ups of his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. H wanted to talk and outlined an entire plan how he'll move out, come over to help in the evenings, get into therapy and treatment, build a support system, etc. Great.

Then he added, "but if we get back together, I need to know that if I screw up again, I can tell you and you won't get angry and kick me out again. Otherwise I'll end up lying to you so you don't get mad".

Wut. I feel like the dentist kid - "Is this real life?" That it's my fault if he lies because he doesn't want to be held accountable?

This shows you he isn’t really committed to addressing his issues. Go ahead and separate. He has a pattern here. If he miraculously changes, he could always move back in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. H wanted to talk and outlined an entire plan how he'll move out, come over to help in the evenings, get into therapy and treatment, build a support system, etc. Great.

Then he added, "but if we get back together, I need to know that if I screw up again, I can tell you and you won't get angry and kick me out again. Otherwise I'll end up lying to you so you don't get mad".

Wut. I feel like the dentist kid - "Is this real life?" That it's my fault if he lies because he doesn't want to be held accountable?

The answer to this is, “I’m not willing to discuss anything about getting back together right now. Right now we are discussing separating.” Repeated ad nauseum until he is out of the house.

Honestly, I hear what your DH says often in relation to the developmental ages when they learn about lying and telling the truth.

He is right in one sense - you have to learn to control your behavior when interacting with him. It’s OK to be mad, but it’s not OK to yell.

But, he has to recognize that marriages are built on truth and accountability and that you have a fundamental right to know the truth of your marriage and make your decisions accordingly. No one owes any promised reaction.

[Anonymous]

He’s gonna be her problem for a long time, you guys. And her Children’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. H wanted to talk and outlined an entire plan how he'll move out, come over to help in the evenings, get into therapy and treatment, build a support system, etc. Great.

Then he added, "but if we get back together, I need to know that if I screw up again, I can tell you and you won't get angry and kick me out again. Otherwise I'll end up lying to you so you don't get mad".

Wut. I feel like the dentist kid - "Is this real life?" That it's my fault if he lies because he doesn't want to be held accountable?

The answer to this is, “I’m not willing to discuss anything about getting back together right now. Right now we are discussing separating.” Repeated ad nauseum until he is out of the house.

Honestly, I hear what your DH says often in relation to the developmental ages when they learn about lying and telling the truth.

He is right in one sense - you have to learn to control your behavior when interacting with him. It’s OK to be mad, but it’s not OK to yell.

But, he has to recognize that marriages are built on truth and accountability and that you have a fundamental right to know the truth of your marriage and make your decisions accordingly. No one owes any promised reaction.

OP. He basically wants free license to screw up and have my word I won’t kick him out or end things or enforce any sort of consequence. Which is ridiculous, obviously.

He’s offered to come over every evening to cook dinner, clean, take care of the dogs…to finally be functional. Part of me wants to take him up on it just to feel like I’ve gotten *something* out of this whole disaster. I know it won’t last, but even 2 weeks of house cleaning and meals sounds awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. H wanted to talk and outlined an entire plan how he'll move out, come over to help in the evenings, get into therapy and treatment, build a support system, etc. Great.

Then he added, "but if we get back together, I need to know that if I screw up again, I can tell you and you won't get angry and kick me out again. Otherwise I'll end up lying to you so you don't get mad".

Wut. I feel like the dentist kid - "Is this real life?" That it's my fault if he lies because he doesn't want to be held accountable?

The answer to this is, “I’m not willing to discuss anything about getting back together right now. Right now we are discussing separating.” Repeated ad nauseum until he is out of the house.

Honestly, I hear what your DH says often in relation to the developmental ages when they learn about lying and telling the truth.

He is right in one sense - you have to learn to control your behavior when interacting with him. It’s OK to be mad, but it’s not OK to yell.

But, he has to recognize that marriages are built on truth and accountability and that you have a fundamental right to know the truth of your marriage and make your decisions accordingly. No one owes any promised reaction.

OP. He basically wants free license to screw up and have my word I won’t kick him out or end things or enforce any sort of consequence. Which is ridiculous, obviously.

He’s offered to come over every evening to cook dinner, clean, take care of the dogs…to finally be functional. Part of me wants to take him up on it just to feel like I’ve gotten *something* out of this whole disaster. I know it won’t last, but even 2 weeks of house cleaning and meals sounds awesome.

The reason to take him up on it is not to “get something out of it” it is to document that you made every opportunity to facilitate/ in no way impeded his relationship with the kids. Once he realizes you’re not coming back he’s going to get nasty and accuse you of trying to keep the kids from him— a file of saved screenshots of you enabling access and him flaking out will be useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. H wanted to talk and outlined an entire plan how he'll move out, come over to help in the evenings, get into therapy and treatment, build a support system, etc. Great.

Then he added, "but if we get back together, I need to know that if I screw up again, I can tell you and you won't get angry and kick me out again. Otherwise I'll end up lying to you so you don't get mad".

Wut. I feel like the dentist kid - "Is this real life?" That it's my fault if he lies because he doesn't want to be held accountable?

The answer to this is, “I’m not willing to discuss anything about getting back together right now. Right now we are discussing separating.” Repeated ad nauseum until he is out of the house.

Honestly, I hear what your DH says often in relation to the developmental ages when they learn about lying and telling the truth.

He is right in one sense - you have to learn to control your behavior when interacting with him. It’s OK to be mad, but it’s not OK to yell.

But, he has to recognize that marriages are built on truth and accountability and that you have a fundamental right to know the truth of your marriage and make your decisions accordingly. No one owes any promised reaction.

OP. He basically wants free license to screw up and have my word I won’t kick him out or end things or enforce any sort of consequence. Which is ridiculous, obviously.

He’s offered to come over every evening to cook dinner, clean, take care of the dogs…to finally be functional. Part of me wants to take him up on it just to feel like I’ve gotten *something* out of this whole disaster. I know it won’t last, but even 2 weeks of house cleaning and meals sounds awesome.

The reason to take him up on it is not to “get something out of it” it is to document that you made every opportunity to facilitate/ in no way impeded his relationship with the kids. Once he realizes you’re not coming back he’s going to get nasty and accuse you of trying to keep the kids from him— a file of saved screenshots of you enabling access and him flaking out will be useful.

THIS ^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Strange all this happened and you then had dinner with him? Doing drugs in vicinity of baby and asked to move out and give up custody of child followed by a meal together?

It's not stranger at all. He's sabotaging the relationship he's pretending to have with his adult partner and sabotaging the baby's lack of autonomy while also acting out revenge toward his adult partner. He should not be trusted with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. No, I am pushing back on OP throwing the towel in on her marriage when they have not even tried couples counseling. Also, Op how much sleep are you guys getting? You didn’t answer that either. You are postpartum and probably reeling from the addition of a second child to
Your family. Both of you, and adjusting in different ways. Instead of pushing each other away and seeking solace in drugs or controlling behavior you need to find your way back together to each other as a couple. Some us have been there recently enough to actually know how hard it has been and is to have kids during COVID.

For all of you supporting her, realize that the kids will be the ones to bear the brunt of a hasty divorce decision. The kids will spend their lives wanting their parents back together. They will ask, did you try everything you could? Did you go to a therapist? Divorce is a lifelong wound for children. It makes them far more likelier to divorce and is associated with all sorts of poor outcomes. It also is not likely to make Op happier.

Addiction is a family disease and Op has a role in her husband’s addiction. they need to at least attempt to address their relationship and his drug use with a marriage counselor and maybe a stint in in our outpatient rehab before taking the nuclear option. Many people save their marriages OP but here people just want to cheer you on to join you in the divorce camp so they feel better about their decision. Marriage issue? Divorce. Husband is angry? Divorce. Infidelity? Divorce.

Addicts use people, especially the people closest to them. Couples counseling is not recommended for addicts. Addicts need individual treatment. Families of addicts need support from people who don't blame them.