OP from an earlier thread back with an update.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP of this thread: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1060613.page

Yesterday we took our 4 month old in for her checkup. We drove separately as he met us there from work. Afterwards we agreed he would take the baby home and I would pick up dinner for us.

I forgot my wallet, so I drove home to get it. When I got there, I found him smoking weed in the backyard. He immediately tried hiding his joint and ran into the house via a different entrance to try and hide from me.

I told him to go take a shower. I went upstairs to check on the baby and she wasn’t in her crib. I screamed “where’s the baby” thinking he may have left her in the car. Turns out she was with him while he was smoking - he couldn’t even bother to put her in her crib while he smoked, he left her in her car seat and just took her out with him.

Smoking around the baby is a hard no for me. I’ve asked him to move out and relinquish custody since he does not make good decisions when she is in his care. I don’t know if he will agree, and I know legally this will be hard to get.

I am getting the usual reaction addicts have when caught - the crying, the theatrics, asking for help, promises of rehab and meetings (do they even have rehab for weed?). During dinner he kept shaking his head to himself and putting his head in his hands. It all felt very dramatic and contrived. I’m frustrated with this as I know it is only because he got caught. Had I not come home early, he would not be asking me for help or trying to change.

I am very angry because I have been shouldering ALL of the burden at home while he worked through his depression, to the point where I have had to seek my own mental health treatment from being completely overwhelmed and having a break down because I can’t do it all. And now it is quite obvious to me “depression” was actually “withdrawal” and this entire time I have been doing everything so he could keep up his weed habit. I’m so angry. So, so, SO angry.

Thank you to everyone who responded with kindness and help in my earlier thread.

[Anonymous]

You’re doing the right thing, OP. Stay strong!

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Stay strong. You will come out of this. Your baby is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Strange all this happened and you then had dinner with him? Doing drugs in vicinity of baby and asked to move out and give up custody of child followed by a meal together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Strange all this happened and you then had dinner with him? Doing drugs in vicinity of baby and asked to move out and give up custody of child followed by a meal together?

I was trying to keep things somewhat normal for my older child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP. Stay strong. You will come out of this. Your baby is lucky to have you.

Thank you I am actually feeling much better than I have the last few weeks because now I *know*. It’s not a big mystery anymore, I don’t need to keep accommodating him, the path forward is clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Strange all this happened and you then had dinner with him? Doing drugs in vicinity of baby and asked to move out and give up custody of child followed by a meal together?

I was trying to keep things somewhat normal for my older child.

No need to defend yourself OP. That person apparently doesn’t understand much about life.

You are doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

There is rehab for weed. A mid-20s relative of mine went in-patient for a month and so far, it has been successful (six months). Relative was also using to self-medicate depression and anxiety. In her case, she needs to be sober from all substances to avoid substituting one for another.

[Anonymous]

please use birth control.

[Anonymous]

Path forward is clear, like you said. I’m so sorry. You’re a good mom❤️

[Anonymous]

No wrong decision here. But if you are feel overburdened now it is not going to be any easier alone with sole custody. -Single mom with sole custody after physical abuse, and very tired.

[Anonymous]

I would happily carry the burden of 2 kids vs the drama of this man. You are right that he is remorseful because he got caught. Tell him to figure out his life in his new apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No wrong decision here. But if you are feel overburdened now it is not going to be any easier alone with sole custody. -Single mom with sole custody after physical abuse, and very tired.

OP. Thanks I am already doing everything, and now I can’t even leave the kids with him alone, so I figure at the very least I won’t have to feed or pick up after him. He’s also just generally stressful to live with - for example, our dogs have been somewhat neglected since the baby arrived, and rather than help out by walking them or letting them out in the yard, he just complains, criticizes me for neglecting them, and his solution is to confine them to a smaller and smaller area. If I’m gone he’ll lock them up in a hallway all day. So at least I’ll be able to give the dogs full run of the house again. And not having the resentment of busting my butt all day while he plays on his phone and sneaks off to get high will be huge.

[Anonymous]

You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m not recently divorced. It’s a hard and sad process, but there’s also a lot of peace that comes with it. This is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter of you. You are going to love your new found freedom, and the return of your mental and emotional energy. Best of luck to you! You should be proud of yourself.