OP from an earlier thread back with an update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not recently divorced. It’s a hard and sad process, but there’s also a lot of peace that comes with it. This is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter of you. You are going to love your new found freedom, and the return of your mental and emotional energy. Best of luck to you! You should be proud of yourself.

OP. I’m excited for this. There’s a lot I’ve been wanting to do - get some certifications, expand my side hustle - but I was so consumed with trying to make his life as stress-free as possible. Even just getting an extra hour of sleep now will be amazing.

I'm not sure how you think you're going to have MORE free time if you are a single mom with full custody of your two children.

Also, it's not clear from your posts - have you TRIED to get your husband treatment (mental health or alcohol/drug treatment)? Or were his previous attempts at quitting done on his own? Personally, I might try inpatient treatment first before divorce, but obviously that is your decision.

I want to clarify that I know it's not your responsibility to "get him treatment" and that was a poor choice of words. I should have said - is he open to the idea of getting counseling and treatment for his addiction(s)?

OP. He says he will. But I don’t have the bandwidth to manage that. I don’t want to nag him about when he’s going, I don’t want to constantly check in if he went to therapy, I don’t want to constantly coordinate with him. I don’t want him using “get treatment” as just a box to check to keep me around. If he truly feels he needs treatment, he will get it without me. If he only does treatment under the condition that we stay together, then I know he wasn’t serious about it.

It sounds like nagging is part of the problem here. You’ve turned into his mom and he’s rebelling. You need to evolve and shift this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but This thread is off the rails. OP said this recent behavior had happened for a few weeks. A few weeks, with a huge family adjustment due to a new baby who had COVID and all the sleep deprivation and stress and hormonal changes for men and women that occur during this time.

OP now has a bunch of histrionic, divorced women with nothing better to do on a gorgeous summer day egging her on and saying her DH is going to lose his job, he is addicted, going to be arrested, etc. and telling her to leave him and divorce him. Because he has been using pot for a few weeks? Making some poor choices? Is feeling depressed? Isn’t pulling weight around the house?

Smoking pot for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. Smoking outside once with a child nearby is a poor decision, but what does OP do on the sidewalks when someone’s smoking a cigarette or weed and is blowing it and walks by her and the baby? Happened to me ALL the time living in DC. How far was he from the baby? Was he using a vape pen or an actual joint? These details ALL matter.

OP your husband does not need rehab, he’s not an addict unless this has been going on for longer than a few weeks. You all need some marriage counseling and he needs individual therapy.

These boards are a self selecting audience. A confluence of opinions here means a half dozen divorced women want you to join their ranks. It’s not a realistic perspective you are getting. The man who joined here is basically saying y’all are crazy. This is why you need a professional to help you guys out, not DCUM.

I'm one of the PPs and not divorced. Married 25 years.

Your reflexive terror of divorce and your tendency to project your own fears onto others is making you assume that everyone who does not agree with you must be divorced. And "histrionic" for good measure.

The fact that you view any mention of the obvious potential consequences of the DH's pot smoking (injuring their baby, possibly losing his job or legal problems) as "not a realistic perspective" is--did you guess?--not realistic. The biggest realist here is the OP. And OP has said clearly she does not know how long he's been using pot because he hides it from her and lies to her repeatedly. You're still here trying to insist it's recreational use or mere weeks of use. She knows. You don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not recently divorced. It’s a hard and sad process, but there’s also a lot of peace that comes with it. This is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter of you. You are going to love your new found freedom, and the return of your mental and emotional energy. Best of luck to you! You should be proud of yourself.

OP. I’m excited for this. There’s a lot I’ve been wanting to do - get some certifications, expand my side hustle - but I was so consumed with trying to make his life as stress-free as possible. Even just getting an extra hour of sleep now will be amazing.

I'm not sure how you think you're going to have MORE free time if you are a single mom with full custody of your two children.

Also, it's not clear from your posts - have you TRIED to get your husband treatment (mental health or alcohol/drug treatment)? Or were his previous attempts at quitting done on his own? Personally, I might try inpatient treatment first before divorce, but obviously that is your decision.

I want to clarify that I know it's not your responsibility to "get him treatment" and that was a poor choice of words. I should have said - is he open to the idea of getting counseling and treatment for his addiction(s)?

OP. He says he will. But I don’t have the bandwidth to manage that. I don’t want to nag him about when he’s going, I don’t want to constantly check in if he went to therapy, I don’t want to constantly coordinate with him. I don’t want him using “get treatment” as just a box to check to keep me around. If he truly feels he needs treatment, he will get it without me. If he only does treatment under the condition that we stay together, then I know he wasn’t serious about it.

It sounds like nagging is part of the problem here. You’ve turned into his mom and he’s rebelling. You need to evolve and shift this dynamic.

OP, you can see that the person or people who are determined to make you the problem aren't going away.

Please get a good lawyer and get yourself counseling (online could be a good option for you so you don't have to add more to your plate). The counseling is to give you tools to be strong in the face of your DH's woe-is-me victimhood and to be ready for when he goes into the stage of saying you are source of all problems. Like these PPs here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but This thread is off the rails. OP said this recent behavior had happened for a few weeks. A few weeks, with a huge family adjustment due to a new baby who had COVID and all the sleep deprivation and stress and hormonal changes for men and women that occur during this time.

OP now has a bunch of histrionic, divorced women with nothing better to do on a gorgeous summer day egging her on and saying her DH is going to lose his job, he is addicted, going to be arrested, etc. and telling her to leave him and divorce him. Because he has been using pot for a few weeks? Making some poor choices? Is feeling depressed? Isn’t pulling weight around the house?

Smoking pot for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. Smoking outside once with a child nearby is a poor decision, but what does OP do on the sidewalks when someone’s smoking a cigarette or weed and is blowing it and walks by her and the baby? Happened to me ALL the time living in DC. How far was he from the baby? Was he using a vape pen or an actual joint? These details ALL matter.

OP your husband does not need rehab, he’s not an addict unless this has been going on for longer than a few weeks. You all need some marriage counseling and he needs individual therapy.

These boards are a self selecting audience. A confluence of opinions here means a half dozen divorced women want you to join their ranks. It’s not a realistic perspective you are getting. The man who joined here is basically saying y’all are crazy. This is why you need a professional to help you guys out, not DCUM.

I don't think you know anything about addiction. Maybe consider not giving advice when you have no experience when any of things.

Smoking cannabis recreationally for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. My sister is an alcoholic, been in rehab 7x over 10 years. This is entirely different. Change my mind.

And Op read this, divorce is not a panacea.
http://yourdivorcequestions.org/

OP. I’m tapped out. I can’t take anymore from him. I’m tired of doing everything. I don’t want to have to manage him. I don’t want to have to monitor his use, I don’t want to add marriage counseling to my already busy schedule, I don’t want to deal with him going to rehab or meetings or whatever. Because now instead of watching the kids so he can sleep in after getting high all night, I have to watch the kids so he can go to therapy or a meeting or whatever.

If he had come to me and said he had a problem and needed help, fine. But I can’t trust him. He lied to my face multiple times. Now I have to worry about what else he could be lying about.

He certainly isn’t showing any level of concern for my well-being. He’s not once asked how I’m doing, it’s all him crying about how horrible his life will be now. What about my life? Does he think it’s fun for me to play mommy to a grown man who wants to act like a teenager? So we had a baby. Tough. I’m going through the same thing, not to mention hormones and BFing and healing from birth, and I’m not running around acting like a child.

NP— You have 100% made the right decision OP. I didn’t read your previous link. First time reading this one. Unless it’s cathartic for you to offer posters explanations for your decision, don’t. I’ve read all the responses and these folks are wrong. I hate how cannabis use is normalized. It’s a sloth drug. I’ve known a few people over the years who’ve used it daily and it is of no use. I can tell when someone is high, even a stranger. Sluggish, sloth like, and dim. It’s absolutely addicting. People here are delusional. Document all you need now as the pp suggested. Shop for an attorney. The goal is sole custody. You already feel relieved that the cloud has been lifted. I bow to your level headed capability with a 4 month old. Tend to your kids and shut him down. Send the dogs to daycare for a week or four. Order your husband to foot the bill and take them to and from. I hope you have a trusted friend to lean on during this process. You’ve made the right decision. Don’t listen to Karen Pence up ^ and the daily tokers. DH is dead weight. Cut him loose. It will be ok. You are an incredible mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. No, I am pushing back on OP throwing the towel in on her marriage when they have not even tried couples counseling. Also, Op how much sleep are you guys getting? You didn’t answer that either. You are postpartum and probably reeling from the addition of a second child to
Your family. Both of you, and adjusting in different ways. Instead of pushing each other away and seeking solace in drugs or controlling behavior you need to find your way back together to each other as a couple. Some us have been there recently enough to actually know how hard it has been and is to have kids during COVID.

For all of you supporting her, realize that the kids will be the ones to bear the brunt of a hasty divorce decision. The kids will spend their lives wanting their parents back together. They will ask, did you try everything you could? Did you go to a therapist? Divorce is a lifelong wound for children. It makes them far more likelier to divorce and is associated with all sorts of poor outcomes. It also is not likely to make Op happier.

Addiction is a family disease and Op has a role in her husband’s addiction. they need to at least attempt to address their relationship and his drug use with a marriage counselor and maybe a stint in in our outpatient rehab before taking the nuclear option. Many people save their marriages OP but here people just want to cheer you on to join you in the divorce camp so they feel better about their decision. Marriage issue? Divorce. Husband is angry? Divorce. Infidelity? Divorce.

“Your father had a substance abuse problem that was not under control and it wasn’t safe for him to take care of you” is pretty easy actually. OP is not obliged to remain married to an addict so you can grind your anti-divorce axe.

Very odd that PP thinks infidelity is not a reason to divorce.

Also writes off anger issues…probably acts surprised when women are murdered by their partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many are jumping to call this addiction. So Op needs to explain how much he’s smoking. If he’s just staying up late to have alone time and time, that’s not a divorcable offense.

Thing is…anything is a divorcable offense is it makes your spouse not want to stay married to you. It doesn’t have to meet some special litmus test of internet apologists. In this instance “my husband routinely exposes our children to illegal drugs” is going to be good enough for most—did you all miss the story about the baby who died of an overdose while her dad was passed out in bed beside her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but This thread is off the rails. OP said this recent behavior had happened for a few weeks. A few weeks, with a huge family adjustment due to a new baby who had COVID and all the sleep deprivation and stress and hormonal changes for men and women that occur during this time.

OP now has a bunch of histrionic, divorced women with nothing better to do on a gorgeous summer day egging her on and saying her DH is going to lose his job, he is addicted, going to be arrested, etc. and telling her to leave him and divorce him. Because he has been using pot for a few weeks? Making some poor choices? Is feeling depressed? Isn’t pulling weight around the house?

Smoking pot for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. Smoking outside once with a child nearby is a poor decision, but what does OP do on the sidewalks when someone’s smoking a cigarette or weed and is blowing it and walks by her and the baby? Happened to me ALL the time living in DC. How far was he from the baby? Was he using a vape pen or an actual joint? These details ALL matter.

OP your husband does not need rehab, he’s not an addict unless this has been going on for longer than a few weeks. You all need some marriage counseling and he needs individual therapy.

These boards are a self selecting audience. A confluence of opinions here means a half dozen divorced women want you to join their ranks. It’s not a realistic perspective you are getting. The man who joined here is basically saying y’all are crazy. This is why you need a professional to help you guys out, not DCUM.

I don't think you know anything about addiction. Maybe consider not giving advice when you have no experience when any of things.

Smoking cannabis recreationally for a few weeks does not make someone a drug addict. My sister is an alcoholic, been in rehab 7x over 10 years. This is entirely different. Change my mind.

And Op read this, divorce is not a panacea.
http://yourdivorcequestions.org/

OP. I’m tapped out. I can’t take anymore from him. I’m tired of doing everything. I don’t want to have to manage him. I don’t want to have to monitor his use, I don’t want to add marriage counseling to my already busy schedule, I don’t want to deal with him going to rehab or meetings or whatever. Because now instead of watching the kids so he can sleep in after getting high all night, I have to watch the kids so he can go to therapy or a meeting or whatever.

If he had come to me and said he had a problem and needed help, fine. But I can’t trust him. He lied to my face multiple times. Now I have to worry about what else he could be lying about.

He certainly isn’t showing any level of concern for my well-being. He’s not once asked how I’m doing, it’s all him crying about how horrible his life will be now. What about my life? Does he think it’s fun for me to play mommy to a grown man who wants to act like a teenager? So we had a baby. Tough. I’m going through the same thing, not to mention hormones and BFing and healing from birth, and I’m not running around acting like a child.

NP— You have 100% made the right decision OP. I didn’t read your previous link. First time reading this one. Unless it’s cathartic for you to offer posters explanations for your decision, don’t. I’ve read all the responses and these folks are wrong. I hate how cannabis use is normalized. It’s a sloth drug. I’ve known a few people over the years who’ve used it daily and it is of no use. I can tell when someone is high, even a stranger. Sluggish, sloth like, and dim. It’s absolutely addicting. People here are delusional. Document all you need now as the pp suggested. Shop for an attorney. The goal is sole custody. You already feel relieved that the cloud has been lifted. I bow to your level headed capability with a 4 month old. Tend to your kids and shut him down. Send the dogs to daycare for a week or four. Order your husband to foot the bill and take them to and from. I hope you have a trusted friend to lean on during this process. You’ve made the right decision. Don’t listen to Karen Pence up ^ and the daily tokers. DH is dead weight. Cut him loose. It will be ok. You are an incredible mom!

Thanks! It actually is helpful for me to respond to PP’s, it helps me through my thinking process and to come up with things I haven’t thought of. I know I’ll face the same statement from people in real life - already friends I’ve told feel bad for him and are pressuring me to “help” him more (oddly enough, they are almost all people whose spouses also have addictions).

I just realized yesterday that looking back, I can tell when he’s been deceptive because he turns the loving dial WAY up. I start getting lots of random love texts and post it notes, he calls me more, is more physically intimate, etc. I don’t know if that’s a side effect or if it’s out of guilt. Every time I’ve caught him being deceptive about something it’s after a period like this. That’s the worst part, being lied to. And knowing all of that was a giant manipulation. Last weekend he made a big proclamation about getting me some nice jewelry and said we should spend the weekend looking at it, but now I realize that was all just a tactic to get me more attached (and there was zero follow through, he spent the whole weekend doing other things). I feel very foolish for buying into any of it, he has always seemed like a genuine person but it was all manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. No, I am pushing back on OP throwing the towel in on her marriage when they have not even tried couples counseling. Also, Op how much sleep are you guys getting? You didn’t answer that either. You are postpartum and probably reeling from the addition of a second child to
Your family. Both of you, and adjusting in different ways. Instead of pushing each other away and seeking solace in drugs or controlling behavior you need to find your way back together to each other as a couple. Some us have been there recently enough to actually know how hard it has been and is to have kids during COVID.

For all of you supporting her, realize that the kids will be the ones to bear the brunt of a hasty divorce decision. The kids will spend their lives wanting their parents back together. They will ask, did you try everything you could? Did you go to a therapist? Divorce is a lifelong wound for children. It makes them far more likelier to divorce and is associated with all sorts of poor outcomes. It also is not likely to make Op happier.

Addiction is a family disease and Op has a role in her husband’s addiction. they need to at least attempt to address their relationship and his drug use with a marriage counselor and maybe a stint in in our outpatient rehab before taking the nuclear option. Many people save their marriages OP but here people just want to cheer you on to join you in the divorce camp so they feel better about their decision. Marriage issue? Divorce. Husband is angry? Divorce. Infidelity? Divorce.

“Your father had a substance abuse problem that was not under control and it wasn’t safe for him to take care of you” is pretty easy actually. OP is not obliged to remain married to an addict so you can grind your anti-divorce axe.

Very odd that PP thinks infidelity is not a reason to divorce.

Also writes off anger issues…probably acts surprised when women are murdered by their partners.

Nah. They probably blame those women for their role in it. “If you had just been a better wife and not gotten him mad, that wouldn’t have happened!”

[Anonymous]

If this has been going on so long why did you have a baby with him? And then another one? Genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this has been going on so long why did you have a baby with him? And then another one? Genuinely curious.

Not OP go away!

[Anonymous]

I know it’s hard and stressful and it’s not a nice way to feel at all, but you’re doing the right thing. Stay strong for yourself and your baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No wrong decision here. But if you are feel overburdened now it is not going to be any easier alone with sole custody. -Single mom with sole custody after physical abuse, and very tired.

Unfortunately, she’s not going to get sole custody. But this is still the right decision.

[Anonymous]

OP. I’m tapped out. I can’t take anymore from him. I’m tired of doing everything. I don’t want to have to manage him. I don’t want to have to monitor his use, I don’t want to add marriage counseling to my already busy schedule, I don’t want to deal with him going to rehab or meetings or whatever. Because now instead of watching the kids so he can sleep in after getting high all night, I have to watch the kids so he can go to therapy or a meeting or whatever.

If he had come to me and said he had a problem and needed help, fine. But I can’t trust him. He lied to my face multiple times. Now I have to worry about what else he could be lying about.

He certainly isn’t showing any level of concern for my well-being. He’s not once asked how I’m doing, it’s all him crying about how horrible his life will be now. What about my life? Does he think it’s fun for me to play mommy to a grown man who wants to act like a teenager? So we had a baby. Tough. I’m going through the same thing, not to mention hormones and BFing and healing from birth, and I’m not running around acting like a child.

NP— You have 100% made the right decision OP. I didn’t read your previous link. First time reading this one. Unless it’s cathartic for you to offer posters explanations for your decision, don’t. I’ve read all the responses and these folks are wrong. I hate how cannabis use is normalized. It’s a sloth drug. I’ve known a few people over the years who’ve used it daily and it is of no use. I can tell when someone is high, even a stranger. Sluggish, sloth like, and dim. It’s absolutely addicting. People here are delusional. Document all you need now as the pp suggested. Shop for an attorney. The goal is sole custody. You already feel relieved that the cloud has been lifted. I bow to your level headed capability with a 4 month old. Tend to your kids and shut him down. Send the dogs to daycare for a week or four. Order your husband to foot the bill and take them to and from. I hope you have a trusted friend to lean on during this process. You’ve made the right decision. Don’t listen to Karen Pence up ^ and the daily tokers. DH is dead weight. Cut him loose. It will be ok. You are an incredible mom!

Thanks! It actually is helpful for me to respond to PP’s, it helps me through my thinking process and to come up with things I haven’t thought of. I know I’ll face the same statement from people in real life - already friends I’ve told feel bad for him and are pressuring me to “help” him more (oddly enough, they are almost all people whose spouses also have addictions).

I just realized yesterday that looking back, I can tell when he’s been deceptive because he turns the loving dial WAY up. I start getting lots of random love texts and post it notes, he calls me more, is more physically intimate, etc. I don’t know if that’s a side effect or if it’s out of guilt. Every time I’ve caught him being deceptive about something it’s after a period like this. That’s the worst part, being lied to. And knowing all of that was a giant manipulation. Last weekend he made a big proclamation about getting me some nice jewelry and said we should spend the weekend looking at it, but now I realize that was all just a tactic to get me more attached (and there was zero follow through, he spent the whole weekend doing other things). I feel very foolish for buying into any of it, he has always seemed like a genuine person but it was all manipulation.

NP again— You’re resolute! It shows in your responses. Some really good advice from posters supporting you. The friends who are pressuring you to “help” him aren’t the ones to lean on. You only need one or two friends or family members to pick up the slack when you need them. I love how you’re concerned about the dogs. Be a bit manipulative yourself, and tell DH its a very sweet gesture that he wants to splurge on jewelry for you, but you’d like him to spend the money on doggy daycare. Explain that they need some respite and grooming. It’ll be a blast for them to get exercise and attention. Maybe you will get a dog walker out of it too. It will ease the guilt for you and force him to take on some responsibility. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. We’ve all been duped. He is clearly manipulative. I’m rooting for you. Wish I could be that person for you, but trust that an internet stranger will check back here if you need a sounding board. Big hug!

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP. My ex also had substance abuse problems. One time a joint fell out of his pocket in front of me while I was pregnant, I asked him what it was, he picked it up and put it back in his pocket and gaslighted me trying to make me believe that nothing had fallen out of his pocket. That situation really escalated. We've been divorced for over 10 years and I can tell you that while being a single mom with full custody (I had unique circumstances leading to that, substance abuse isn't enough to get sole custody) was hard and still, it was infinitely better than being with my ex. I hope you find some friends that are supportive and will help you. Time to start building your tribe.

[Anonymous]

NP. OP, I'm glad you have a sense of calm and clarity.

It's not a small thing to divorce with small kids, that's true. It's also not a small thing to be married to someone who is bringing only weaknesses and no strengths to the partnership. I'm sure if you had the option to have a healthy and engaged DH, you would go that route before the others. But you can't control him, and it's liberating to realize that.

Best of luck to you as you navigate your next steps.

Just to be clear to your critics, I'm fine with occasional weed usage. My DH has been under a lot of stress recently and he's taken to walking the dog several nights a week (when we have a perfectly fine fenced in yard), if you know what I mean. But we have older kids, not an infant, and it's not every day, nor currently impacting his ability to exercise, go to work, take care of the kids, spend time with me, do his hobbies, etc.

It's a really powerful thing when you feel your life would be EASIER without your partner. What kind of partnership is that?