OP from an earlier thread back with an update.

[Anonymous]

Pp… I’m *recently divorced

[Anonymous]

Sending you hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not recently divorced. It’s a hard and sad process, but there’s also a lot of peace that comes with it. This is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter of you. You are going to love your new found freedom, and the return of your mental and emotional energy. Best of luck to you! You should be proud of yourself.

OP. I’m excited for this. There’s a lot I’ve been wanting to do - get some certifications, expand my side hustle - but I was so consumed with trying to make his life as stress-free as possible. Even just getting an extra hour of sleep now will be amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No wrong decision here. But if you are feel overburdened now it is not going to be any easier alone with sole custody. -Single mom with sole custody after physical abuse, and very tired.

I feel differently. Sole custody is much easier than shared parenting with a substance abuser with mental illness. Life with my secretly substance abusing husband was very stressful - I was always questioning my sanity and my memory of things because he was actively lying to cover up behaviors that he knew would be deal breakers for me.

Once I left him, I had LESS to do, because I had been doing a lot for or because of him. Life was calmer, happier and more in control. I could rely on myself and select other people to be in my life whom I could rely on.

He also rejected treatment for the mental illness that was driving his substance use. He did not really get help until 6 months after I demanded he move out. Sad, but that was too late, and he never really stuck to it.

Only by my decision to end the relationship was I able to break the intergenerational cycle of substance abuse and mental illness and raise two kids who do not use drugs or alcohol and who know how to recognize and treat their own mental illness.

OP, it’s OK to have a boundary and enforce it. It is better to have custody in a healthy, drug-free home 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Voice of dissent here. My experience on these threads is that there are a lot of divorced people who want other people to get divorced to affirm their life choice and to validate themselves and to address the social isolation and stigma they likely feel in real life by building a virtual community of other people who are and support for virtually any circumstance.

I found your first post interesting. Your husband is asking your permission to use weed, and you are trying to put all sorts of parameters on his usage, how often, when, dosage, etc. It seems to me, that you are very controlling and so perhaps this secret usage is a way to avoid you controlling his recreational drug use.

I’m sorry, but leaving the baby on a car seat - outside - so he can smoke a joint, to me, is not a divorcable event. It isn’t the best idea and smacks of immaturity but he’s an adult, weed is legal in many areas, and frankly, a ton of men smoke pot. In my upper crust Bethesda neighborhood, I know of at least a half dozen married fathers who occasionally get together after the kids go down for bed and hang out in the yard and smoke pot. None of the wives are in the hysterics you are. Was he blowing the smoke in the baby’s face? Probably not. Was the baby safe and being observed. Probably. Was he far enough away for baby to avoid second hand? Probably. Your utter hysteria, to me, is the problem. It sounds like you have created a very materialistic relationship with your partner where you are controlling and angry, he feels controlled by you and rebels by withdrawing and getting angry, hiding things, getting more depressed, and doing less around the home which fuels your anger and resentment and you try to put greater control on him. Vicious cycle.

What the two of you need - in the thick of difficult years parenting - is couples counseling. This is not a divorcable event, sorry. When you made wedding vows you promised to stick by each other in better and worse times. This is a worse time. To not even try to save your marriage with a 4 month old, is a decision you will later retreat, because these little kids will grow up and constantly wonder why you got divorced and if they caused it. You should at least, at the end of the day, be able to tell them that you did everything you could to save the marriage. And I’m sorry, but you have not done that.

[Anonymous]

Maternalistic, not materialistic.

[Anonymous]

Also, weed is a depressant. So he’s barking up the wrong tree if he thinks that will fix his mood issue. Since you all have a 4 month old I would guess that the likelier cause of this depression is sleep deprivation, life stress, and the addition of a newborn to your family. If you both aren’t getting 8 solid hours of sleep each night, table the divorce and mental health conversations and focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Married an addict, shocked and angry when he behaves like one. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Voice of dissent here. My experience on these threads is that there are a lot of divorced people who want other people to get divorced to affirm their life choice and to validate themselves and to address the social isolation and stigma they likely feel in real life by building a virtual community of other people who are and support for virtually any circumstance.

I found your first post interesting. Your husband is asking your permission to use weed, and you are trying to put all sorts of parameters on his usage, how often, when, dosage, etc. It seems to me, that you are very controlling and so perhaps this secret usage is a way to avoid you controlling his recreational drug use.

I’m sorry, but leaving the baby on a car seat - outside - so he can smoke a joint, to me, is not a divorcable event. It isn’t the best idea and smacks of immaturity but he’s an adult, weed is legal in many areas, and frankly, a ton of men smoke pot. In my upper crust Bethesda neighborhood, I know of at least a half dozen married fathers who occasionally get together after the kids go down for bed and hang out in the yard and smoke pot. None of the wives are in the hysterics you are. Was he blowing the smoke in the baby’s face? Probably not. Was the baby safe and being observed. Probably. Was he far enough away for baby to avoid second hand? Probably. Your utter hysteria, to me, is the problem. It sounds like you have created a very materialistic relationship with your partner where you are controlling and angry, he feels controlled by you and rebels by withdrawing and getting angry, hiding things, getting more depressed, and doing less around the home which fuels your anger and resentment and you try to put greater control on him. Vicious cycle.

What the two of you need - in the thick of difficult years parenting - is couples counseling. This is not a divorcable event, sorry. When you made wedding vows you promised to stick by each other in better and worse times. This is a worse time. To not even try to save your marriage with a 4 month old, is a decision you will later retreat, because these little kids will grow up and constantly wonder why you got divorced and if they caused it. You should at least, at the end of the day, be able to tell them that you did everything you could to save the marriage. And I’m sorry, but you have not done that.

OP. The problem is not the weed use. It is that it interferes with our lives. He stays up all night getting high, then sleeps in all morning so I am on childcare duty solo. He gets lazy and uses it as an excuse to not help out with cooking, cleaning, etc. He sneaks off in the middle of the day under the guise of errands so he can smoke. If this were alcohol, it would rightly be seen as problematic. Even if I was a controlling wife who disapproved of her husband’s drinking, if he was sneaking off in the middle of the day to drink or so hungover the next day he couldn’t function, it would be seen as an addiction.

Regardless, it is not working for me. I can not take care of my kids (including an infant), our dogs, work, and deal with this problem. I am literally doing everything despite me crying, begging, and pleading for his help. That enough is reason for me to separate.

Also, our baby has pre-existing conditions that make second hand smoke very dangerous. She was born prematurely and had COVID, and has had long term respiratory problems as a result. Adding in any sort of second or third hand smoke is hugely dangerous, he knows this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

This is excellent advice above, OP. It's sad to have to say it but you need to take advantage of this stage quickly, before he starts to backpedal, deny he's got a problem, claim weed "isn't addictive" blah blah. It'll happen sooner or later. I'd get as much documentation as you possibly can, as soon as you can, like PP says. And you can't let DH know what it's really for (full custody eventually) but...yeah, you need full legal and physical custody. THIS time the baby was with him but another time it could be so different and tragic. Next time the baby might be in the car.

I truly wish for you a very aggressive and experienced attorney who can get you the sole custody you need to protect your kids. If your DH eventually straightens up for long enough he might get some custody or visitation but right now and for a long time to come, he's a danger to your kids. I actually wish I could somehow steer you to a good attorney. Maybe you can post here separately for names of attorneys people have used in custody situaitons where a parent is a drug user.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Voice of dissent here. My experience on these threads is that there are a lot of divorced people who want other people to get divorced to affirm their life choice and to validate themselves and to address the social isolation and stigma they likely feel in real life by building a virtual community of other people who are and support for virtually any circumstance.

I found your first post interesting. Your husband is asking your permission to use weed, and you are trying to put all sorts of parameters on his usage, how often, when, dosage, etc. It seems to me, that you are very controlling and so perhaps this secret usage is a way to avoid you controlling his recreational drug use.

I’m sorry, but leaving the baby on a car seat - outside - so he can smoke a joint, to me, is not a divorcable event. It isn’t the best idea and smacks of immaturity but he’s an adult, weed is legal in many areas, and frankly, a ton of men smoke pot. In my upper crust Bethesda neighborhood, I know of at least a half dozen married fathers who occasionally get together after the kids go down for bed and hang out in the yard and smoke pot. None of the wives are in the hysterics you are. Was he blowing the smoke in the baby’s face? Probably not. Was the baby safe and being observed. Probably. Was he far enough away for baby to avoid second hand? Probably. Your utter hysteria, to me, is the problem. It sounds like you have created a very materialistic relationship with your partner where you are controlling and angry, he feels controlled by you and rebels by withdrawing and getting angry, hiding things, getting more depressed, and doing less around the home which fuels your anger and resentment and you try to put greater control on him. Vicious cycle.

What the two of you need - in the thick of difficult years parenting - is couples counseling. This is not a divorcable event, sorry. When you made wedding vows you promised to stick by each other in better and worse times. This is a worse time. To not even try to save your marriage with a 4 month old, is a decision you will later retreat, because these little kids will grow up and constantly wonder why you got divorced and if they caused it. You should at least, at the end of the day, be able to tell them that you did everything you could to save the marriage. And I’m sorry, but you have not done that.

OP. The problem is not the weed use. It is that it interferes with our lives. He stays up all night getting high, then sleeps in all morning so I am on childcare duty solo. He gets lazy and uses it as an excuse to not help out with cooking, cleaning, etc. He sneaks off in the middle of the day under the guise of errands so he can smoke. If this were alcohol, it would rightly be seen as problematic. Even if I was a controlling wife who disapproved of her husband’s drinking, if he was sneaking off in the middle of the day to drink or so hungover the next day he couldn’t function, it would be seen as an addiction.

Regardless, it is not working for me. I can not take care of my kids (including an infant), our dogs, work, and deal with this problem. I am literally doing everything despite me crying, begging, and pleading for his help. That enough is reason for me to separate.

Also, our baby has pre-existing conditions that make second hand smoke very dangerous. She was born prematurely and had COVID, and has had long term respiratory problems as a result. Adding in any sort of second or third hand smoke is hugely dangerous, he knows this.

Ignore the PP. They clearly haven't read your posts and have their own agenda. Your spouse has very clearly indicated that his cannabis use is not recreational and is an attempt to self-medicate. The PP is talking about occasional, recreational use. If your DH were an alcoholic consuming a case of beer a day, they'd probably be on here telling you about how they drink a glass of wine with dinner once in a while and you should stop being controlling. They have no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re making the right choice. One thing you might consider is taking advantage of the addict-repentance stage to get everything documented— he admits to his addiction, admits to endangering the child, admits to illegal behavior, in a way that you can use to achieve full custody. Consult a lawyer (obviously!) but there’s no reason to waste this phase.

This is excellent advice above, OP. It's sad to have to say it but you need to take advantage of this stage quickly, before he starts to backpedal, deny he's got a problem, claim weed "isn't addictive" blah blah. It'll happen sooner or later. I'd get as much documentation as you possibly can, as soon as you can, like PP says. And you can't let DH know what it's really for (full custody eventually) but...yeah, you need full legal and physical custody. THIS time the baby was with him but another time it could be so different and tragic. Next time the baby might be in the car.

I truly wish for you a very aggressive and experienced attorney who can get you the sole custody you need to protect your kids. If your DH eventually straightens up for long enough he might get some custody or visitation but right now and for a long time to come, he's a danger to your kids. I actually wish I could somehow steer you to a good attorney. Maybe you can post here separately for names of attorneys people have used in custody situaitons where a parent is a drug user.

DP here. If you are unable to get full custody, then do try to get a non-substance use agreement in place (meaning neither of you can use drugs, drink alcohol, etc while you have custody). That gives you an enforceable mechanism if he uses while caring for your kids. This is difficult for someone to say no to while negotiating for custody, because it immediately begs the question of why the parent cannot abstain while caring for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, weed is a depressant. So he’s barking up the wrong tree if he thinks that will fix his mood issue. Since you all have a 4 month old I would guess that the likelier cause of this depression is sleep deprivation, life stress, and the addition of a newborn to your family. If you both aren’t getting 8 solid hours of sleep each night, table the divorce and mental health conversations and focus on that.

DP, not the OP. I suspect you're the same PP who did the long post telling OP she was "hysterical" and her kids would resent her later for divorcing? This post makes me think you don't really believe pot can be addictive either. It can, whether you "believe" that or not. I hope you read OP's reply to you above. If this were a man drinking alcohol, hiding it from his wife, drinking during the middle of the day, drinking while in charge of their infant, letting it affect the family's lives, he would be called out as an alcoholic. But because it's weed, well, dads in your neighborhood smoke it and the wives don't get hysterical like OP, right? Wrong. She's not hysterical; read her posts. She's being the adult in the household. That role includes knowing when to tell him he has to leave and get help for a substance that has upended their family life. The time for advice on better sleep habits is long past.

[Anonymous]

PP here. No, I am pushing back on OP throwing the towel in on her marriage when they have not even tried couples counseling. Also, Op how much sleep are you guys getting? You didn’t answer that either. You are postpartum and probably reeling from the addition of a second child to
Your family. Both of you, and adjusting in different ways. Instead of pushing each other away and seeking solace in drugs or controlling behavior you need to find your way back together to each other as a couple. Some us have been there recently enough to actually know how hard it has been and is to have kids during COVID.

For all of you supporting her, realize that the kids will be the ones to bear the brunt of a hasty divorce decision. The kids will spend their lives wanting their parents back together. They will ask, did you try everything you could? Did you go to a therapist? Divorce is a lifelong wound for children. It makes them far more likelier to divorce and is associated with all sorts of poor outcomes. It also is not likely to make Op happier.

Addiction is a family disease and Op has a role in her husband’s addiction. they need to at least attempt to address their relationship and his drug use with a marriage counselor and maybe a stint in in our outpatient rehab before taking the nuclear option. Many people save their marriages OP but here people just want to cheer you on to join you in the divorce camp so they feel better about their decision. Marriage issue? Divorce. Husband is angry? Divorce. Infidelity? Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, weed is a depressant. So he’s barking up the wrong tree if he thinks that will fix his mood issue. Since you all have a 4 month old I would guess that the likelier cause of this depression is sleep deprivation, life stress, and the addition of a newborn to your family. If you both aren’t getting 8 solid hours of sleep each night, table the divorce and mental health conversations and focus on that.

OP. Ha. The only way he gets 8 hours is if he goes to bed at a reasonable hour, which he won't do, or if I let him sleep in until noon, which I can no longer do because it is severely impacting my own mental health. I have recommended he go to bed at a reasonable hour, but if he refuses to, there is not much I can do.