What is happening- drinking problem?
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Anonymous
| Also adding I took pics and out it back. |
Anonymous
| OP I'm so sorry. As someone from a family full of addicts who struggles with my own addictive tendencies, I know it can be triggered by any small window where there is an opportunity for temporary autonomy. This was especially intense during the years of having small kids and a full time job. It's like I'm finally alone for a tiny bit of time, I get to choose what to do, I deserve this one thing just for ME to help me cope. It feels like I'm on the one hand in complete control to finally, finally choose what I really want to do and on the other also completely powerless to NOT choose it, if that makes sense. It's a total rush followed by shame and self-hatred. Just hoping to give some insight on what your husband may be feeling. You sound like you want to approach it with empathy and concern but also a hard line, which sounds about right. Set and hold your boundaries early on, have a support system in place (Al Anon is the most common and accessible, though not a fit for everyone), be willing to help him find resources but don't do the work for him. If he's on a work trip now it's a good time to put things in place. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| You don’t need to keep finding evidence. You need to make some decisions about what to do. Addicts lie, lie, lie. You know the truth and the odds of a picture making him truthful are slim. |
Anonymous
+1, OP. As someone in a similar situation this PP said it perfectly. I’ve been fortunate to have a supportive but firm DH who has kept things going at home while I sort out my sh*t. I’m a mess but determined to get better and am so grateful for him. Be firm with your DH, he needs to do this for you. |
Anonymous
NP. This, above. Also to add: OP, no one has yet pointed out what I pray has already occurred to you: You know FOR SURE that your DH has driven while drunk; those are only the instances you know about (if you think the drinking you list is the only drinking, you are being incredibly naive); and most of all -- at some point he will drive drunk with your child in the car. If he hasn't done so already. That fact alone should be enough to push you to have your come-to-Jesus talk with him now, not after he's been arrested for DUI (which could affect his job) or driven drunk with a child in the car, or...worse. There are Al-Anon meetings every single day somewhere. Also meetings online. You need to hear all the stuff on this thread from people who have been exactly where you are now: Wondering, doubting "but is this really alcoholism?" etc. You need to hear it in person in real time, not behind anonymous posts on this board. Get an Al-Anon meeting for you today or tonight. Be frank that you are unsure if this is alcoholism (it is, but I think you need the short, sharp shock of really hearing this to your face, OP). BTW, Al-Anon is for families of alcoholics and is not "AA" which is for the alcoholics themselves. https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/ Yes, you also need a therapist with a speciality in addictions and families where there is an addict. I'm very concerned that this thread got so derailed and dominated by the "it could be an affair" talk over and over. Focus first on the drinking. Don't look for an affair first and foremost. Do as another PP said and scour the entire house, even places you might think are foolish to look, or too crazy ever for him to hide something there. Do the same with your cars. Do it ASAP. Take off work to do it if you must. Your post does not just have red flags for his alcoholism, it has giant, neon arrows pointing at him but I'm worried you are not wanting to go full on and admit he's alcoholic. One does not have to drink 24/7 to be alcoholic; one can have periods of not drinking at all. One does not have to be falling-down, vomiting drunk to be alcoholic (though he got to that point and that's a bad sign too). And OP, this may seem like a small thing in vast problem here, but as another PP noted -- never, ever give Tylenol or any other brand of acetaminophen to a person who has consumed any alcohol at all. The drug interacts with alcohol and can damage the liver severely. I know this from experience; my relative had a drinking problem, took Tylenol regularly while drinking over the years, and ended up with a destroyed liver. And even one time of using acetaminophen/Tylenol with alcohol in the body can damage the liver. to some extent. Sorry to add that to your plate but please never give him Tylenol when he's been drinking anything at all. |
Anonymous
He will be drinking on the work trip, OP. Probably much more even than at home as he'll be alone. It could also end up with him drunk in front of clients or colleagues. And that could lead to very real problems keeping his job. I beg you, be ready to have the talk with him when he comes home. You can't nail him on drinking while away, because you won't have evidence, but you can present that schanpps bottle along with the time of the nearest AA meeting (to which you drive him -- get a sitter if you must , this is urgent-- and you wait for him to come out and drive him home), and the time of your first appointment with a therapist specializing in addiction. Use your insurance company list of therapists as a starting point to find one, but you can find AA immediately. He is on a road to losing his job, possibly his life, wrecking the marriage you described earlier as "solid," maybe endangering your life or your kids' lives when he's behind the wheel. Or when he's alone with the kids and is unable to react quickly to a potential fall or other hazard at home, because he's drunk. I'm so sorry. Please get the help of AA, Al-Anon, therapy, even inpatient if needed. He has to want to seek help, though. But he won't do that until he knows you know and he can no longer gaslight or lie to you. |
Anonymous
| It drives me nuts when people use the word "gaslit" or "gaslight" incorrectly like OP. You could say it drives me to drink. |
Anonymous
|
When I learned my DH had driven drunk with the kids and I in the car I refused to let him drive us without taking a breathalyzer first. If he refused, the plan was that I drove or we didn’t go. Breathalyzers are very available. We didn’t use it for him to prove to me he was sober generally, he offered but I refused that because it seemed likely to lead to more lies and resentment. But for driving/safety, it was a very easy solution to my extreme anxiety.
He’s been sober for a while so we stopped using it, but I am concerned that he is starting to relapse and I am thinking of starting it again. The new boundary I’m setting is not letting him take the car to events where there is a higher risk of drinking. There was a time when leaving the house meant there was a higher risk of drinking, but thankfully we’re not there now. But he will not be driving to social events. Don’t drive yourself crazy looking for alcohol. My DH hid it in the outside recycling bin, in the wheel well of the car, all kinds of places. And he hid and disposed of empties away from the house. Even when I found stuff and said something he lied or gaslighted about it. I thought he had some limits but he was totally out of control. And he just found a new hiding place and replaced what I’d found. The best thing you can do now is get yourself a counselor who has some experience with addiction. If you’re employed, you may be able to start with your employers EAP. |
Anonymous
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Op here. Thank you for the helpful responses.
What is my next step here- I already found Al Anon meetings near us. Do I confront him when he gets home from him work trip that I found this and he needs to get help? Do I tell my in laws for support (I will be seeing them in the morning tomorrow without him) Do I tell him now while he's gone that I found it Do I leave the bottle and wait until I notice its gone |
Anonymous
She found something. He said it wasn’t his and acted like she was crazy / incorrect. Making the other person doubt what they see/saw or know is gaslighting. Please let us know the correct usage. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
I'm a DP and bumping this post in hopes "been there, done that" spouses can come back and advise OP on these detailed and important points. I don't feel qualified to answer these definitively other than to say that possibly Al-Anon could be a source for answers to these questions, if you can get to a meeting, online if needed, before he comes back. But do other PPs with real advice (and not just criticism of OP, or the useless "it's an affair!" parrots) want to help OP out with these? |
Anonymous
I would wait until he returns. I would talk to him before his parents. But, you also need to be really clear on where you are at. Is this “please stop and I will help you” or “please move out and get sober” or something else. I don’t think OP has wrapped her head around the seriousness of this yet at all. As someone who spent four years with an addict years ago, my response would be much firmer/harsher and would definitely include moving out ASAP. But I went through four years of hell long ago to get to that point. I also seriously wonder if his parents will ever be helpful. This crap runs in families fairly often along with the enablement. |
Anonymous
NP here - I agree with not telling his parents first/for support, especially in OP's situation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think OP has really had a sit down/confrontation over this with her husband. I mean, she's photographing bottles and putting them back. Which leads me to your second point - how harsh to be? I think OP's husband at least deserves a chance to be honest and to make a change before bringing the hammer down, so to speak. |
Anonymous
| OP, the fact that he was driving drunk would have been the point at which I had a come-to-Jesus talk with him. I think you should spent the time while he’s away coming up with exactly what you want, and what to say, and practice it. I’ve never lived through what you’re going through, but driving dunk would have made me loose my sh*t. He could have killed someone, or himself! |