What is happening- drinking problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I just ran into neighbor wife and she made a comment about how tired their dog is today from playing with ours last night and we should let them wear each other out more often.

He’s banging her.

Why does everyone assume it’s her and not her DH, if there is an affair at all? Definitely sounds like an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I just ran into neighbor wife and she made a comment about how tired their dog is today from playing with ours last night and we should let them wear each other out more often.

He’s banging her.

Why does everyone assume it’s her and not her DH, if there is an affair at all? Definitely sounds like an alcoholic.

meaning the supposed affair may be between the DHs.

[Anonymous]

It probably wasn’t only 4 instances; if you look, you will likely find hidden bottles. He’s probably been doing it for a while, though not necessarily getting visibly drunk each time (those instances seem to coincide with him being able to get out of the house, which perhaps doesn’t happen often?).

Does he use a water bottle? Open it up and sniff it or take a sip 1 might actually be booze.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't have to be an affair. He could just be unhappy (reality, life, work, this is it??) and he knows he can't drink like that around you. So he sneaks drinks beyond what he is "allowed" (as a husband, father, upstanding person, whatever he is having to be) and he can't handle it.

Basically, trying to get away from "life".

Affairs are so often “getting away from life”. They go hand and hand with the increased drinking for men most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't have to be an affair. He could just be unhappy (reality, life, work, this is it??) and he knows he can't drink like that around you. So he sneaks drinks beyond what he is "allowed" (as a husband, father, upstanding person, whatever he is having to be) and he can't handle it.

Basically, trying to get away from "life".

OP, the takeaway from the above should NOT be that you somehow caused his alcohol abuse. I would have felt that way when I was realizing about my DH’s addiction. That’s not how it works.

They are escaping themselves. My spouse was clear the drinking/cheating had nothing to do with unhappiness with me or the marriage. It was all internal issues and self-dissatisfaction, part of the reason great means were taken to conceal all of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't have to be an affair. He could just be unhappy (reality, life, work, this is it??) and he knows he can't drink like that around you. So he sneaks drinks beyond what he is "allowed" (as a husband, father, upstanding person, whatever he is having to be) and he can't handle it.

Basically, trying to get away from "life".

Affairs are so often “getting away from life”. They go hand and hand with the increased drinking for men most of the time.

Sure, but there other ways to get away from life. People here are just pruriently fixated on affairs. It’s a bit sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does alcoholism run in the family? My spouse swore he’d never end up like his dad. He didn’t start drinking until midlife.

DHs dad partied way too hard in his early 20s and has been dry over 40 years since way before he met my MIL or had kids. MIL has occasional drunks.

Alcoholism is a genetic disease, not a moral one. Sounds like your husband may have the genes for it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, this sounds like secretive drinking from hidden stashes. Alcoholics can start to do this when the count they consume is in excess of what is socially acceptable. Think- a bottle in the garage, alcohol in the water bottle, etc. I don't know why so many people are focusing on an affair. Talk to him honestly about the drinking.

This is what it sounds like to me too. He might be a little drunk a lot of the time, and you only notice when he goes overboard. You wouldn't believe the places that people found hidden alcohol around the house. Toilet tanks, stashed in the Christmas decorations, pockets of old coats...

[Anonymous]

It’s not 4 instances in 8 months, it’s 4 instances in 8 months that you know of.

Find a counselor for yourself to help you navigate.

[Anonymous]

As a recovering alcoholic, this is classic signs of alcohol misuse. He’s reached the “careless” stage, where even he doesn’t know where he’s stashed stuff. He’s going overboard when he gets a small window to drink, because he’s not thinking about how much or if he’s eaten- he’s just getting a drink in to self medicate whatever he’s feeling, which is at least part the shame and dishonesty of hiding it to start with.

He knows it’s out of control, but is scared to stop. It often starts as a self medication, but it gets harder as alcohol fuels more anxiety, plus all the shame and negativity about knowing you have a problem.

It’s not because of you. It’s him. Get to AlAnon if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't have to be an affair. He could just be unhappy (reality, life, work, this is it??) and he knows he can't drink like that around you. So he sneaks drinks beyond what he is "allowed" (as a husband, father, upstanding person, whatever he is having to be) and he can't handle it.

Basically, trying to get away from "life".

Affairs are so often “getting away from life”. They go hand and hand with the increased drinking for men most of the time.

Sure, but there other ways to get away from life. People here are just pruriently fixated on affairs. It’s a bit sad.

I don't think people are fixated on them, I just think they are so very common in long marriages. And most people never find out about them and they go 'unreported'. With technology, numbers are as high as 40% which is close to the divorce rate for first marriages.

[Anonymous]

did OP cause him to drink? did she make him become an alcoholic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Six months from now you will be kicking yourself for not taking action NOW. Definitely alcohol abuse. Likely affair induced. It is a thing, OP, and he’s likely using alcohol to cover the guilt and self-loathing that accompanies his adulterous encounters. You need to take action NOW: check his texts, review credit card statements, hire a PI, nail down all assets, lawyer up.

I agree. He has broken your trust by repeatedly gaslighting you. You have not only yourself to think of but also your child. You do not owe it to him to remain willfully blind. His lying to you is a choice he is making because either he doesn’t understand why he is drinking or he knows telling you the truth will mean you will make a decision he doesn’t like.

Do not blind yourself. Knowledge is power for both of you. Search every inch of the house from top to bottom. All parts of closets, drawers, cushions, crawl spaces, utility closets, etc. Count and subtly mark the liquor bottles that are out. Count and track over time your prescription medications. Thoroughly examine all joint statements - why is money going out? Not only to what payee, but how much cash is being taken out and at what locations. Keep track if where he says he’s going and what he says he’s doing and make sure it matches reality (mileage, time away, spending, etc.). Check the computer history. If you have access to phone check texts and DMs in apps. If he leaves his email open, read it. Look at cellphone records and reverse search numbers. Put a key logger on any computer you can.

I did this when I thought my DH had a drinking problem, and boy did I find out a lot I didn’t know and that he would never tell me or actively lied to cover up.

I preferred to know what was truly going on and make decisions based on that. In the end, after understanding what I was really dealing with, I was able to make good decisions for myself and my kids. Decisions that let us lead healthy lives, and which allowed me to look back without regret at my choices.

[Anonymous]

This is classic alcoholic behavior. My guess is that there has been much more hidden drinking than what you've found. Trust me, I've been there.

I also don't think it adds up to an affair. For one, he was doing it at times (like the vacation) where there is clearly no opportunity to get away for an affair. I mean, he may be having one, who knows, but this hiding drinking is not a sign of that, imo.

What it does suggest is that he probably drinks during the day quite often and is very successful at hiding it. The lying about it too shows he knows he has a problem. Try to convince him to seek help and try to seek help yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not 4 instances in 8 months, it’s 4 instances in 8 months that you know of.

Find a counselor for yourself to help you navigate.

This. Although I’ll go beyond a “counselor” and say you need a licensed therapist with specialty in treating alcohol addiction.

You will, at some point, need to have a come to Jesus talk with your DH about his drinking problem. He needs treatment, which he probably already knows. His problems with alcohol aren’t your fault, but they will make your and your child’s life hell unless and until your DH gets the help he needs.