What is happening- drinking problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the helpful responses.

What is my next step here- I already found Al Anon meetings near us.

Do I confront him when he gets home from him work trip that I found this and he needs to get help?

Do I tell my in laws for support (I will be seeing them in the morning tomorrow without him)

Do I tell him now while he's gone that I found it

Do I leave the bottle and wait until I notice its gone

I'm a DP and bumping this post in hopes "been there, done that" spouses can come back and advise OP on these detailed and important points. I don't feel qualified to answer these definitively other than to say that possibly Al-Anon could be a source for answers to these questions, if you can get to a meeting, online if needed, before he comes back. But do other PPs with real advice (and not just criticism of OP, or the useless "it's an affair!" parrots) want to help OP out with these?

I would wait until he returns. I would talk to him before his parents. But, you also need to be really clear on where you are at. Is this “please stop and I will help you” or “please move out and get sober” or something else. I don’t think OP has wrapped her head around the seriousness of this yet at all. As someone who spent four years with an addict years ago, my response would be much firmer/harsher and would definitely include moving out ASAP. But I went through four years of hell long ago to get to that point. I also seriously wonder if his parents will ever be helpful. This crap runs in families fairly often along with the enablement.

another BTDT person - I stayed with my ex through 2 trips through rehab over 5 years but after he left for the 3rd I didnt let him move back home, and now we are divorced. I agree with PP that you need to be clear on where you are at, and recognize the seriousness of this. If you just go at is as ‘talking about it’ he will weasel his way out. And you cant ‘demand’ anything - you can only give him options, like ‘either go to a 30-day inpatient program + aftercare and I will support you any way I can, or move out.’. ultimately he needs to make the decision himself. As far as his parents, I would say only bring them in if you are pretty sure they will agree he has a problem and support him and you in rehab. my ex-ILs made all sorts of ridiculous suggestions and rationalizations and were not helpful, until after round 3 when I put them on the phone with an addiction specialist who gave them a very painful medical lesson… but if they would have backed me up, they would have been helpful in so many ways (including while I was trying to single parent young kids who came home one day to find daddy gone away for a month)

lastly - i havent gone back to the OP to see if you have kids, but if your position is ‘rehab or move out,’ I recommend consulting a divorce lawyer who specializes in addictions while he’s gone. that was the best thing I did in this whole nightmare, bar none. when he came back from rehab #2 we did a post-nup - it is essentially a legal agreement that enacts in the event you separate. because he was committed to saving the marriage (as was I at the time), we were able to set terms for monitoring his sobriety when he had custody of the kids (i.e, he was willing to agree to show me his commitment and in the hopes it would never come to pass). So after the 3rd rehab (not the last relapse, sadly) when we started divorce proceedings, he had already committed to various protective measures like not driving the kids in a car without an intoxilock and taking regular breathalyzers. it gives me SO much comfort when they are with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the helpful responses.

What is my next step here- I already found Al Anon meetings near us.

Do I confront him when he gets home from him work trip that I found this and he needs to get help?

Do I tell my in laws for support (I will be seeing them in the morning tomorrow without him)

Do I tell him now while he's gone that I found it

Do I leave the bottle and wait until I notice its gone

I'm a DP and bumping this post in hopes "been there, done that" spouses can come back and advise OP on these detailed and important points. I don't feel qualified to answer these definitively other than to say that possibly Al-Anon could be a source for answers to these questions, if you can get to a meeting, online if needed, before he comes back. But do other PPs with real advice (and not just criticism of OP, or the useless "it's an affair!" parrots) want to help OP out with these?

I would wait until he returns. I would talk to him before his parents. But, you also need to be really clear on where you are at. Is this “please stop and I will help you” or “please move out and get sober” or something else. I don’t think OP has wrapped her head around the seriousness of this yet at all. As someone who spent four years with an addict years ago, my response would be much firmer/harsher and would definitely include moving out ASAP. But I went through four years of hell long ago to get to that point. I also seriously wonder if his parents will ever be helpful. This crap runs in families fairly often along with the enablement.

another BTDT person - I stayed with my ex through 2 trips through rehab over 5 years but after he left for the 3rd I didnt let him move back home, and now we are divorced. I agree with PP that you need to be clear on where you are at, and recognize the seriousness of this. If you just go at is as ‘talking about it’ he will weasel his way out. And you cant ‘demand’ anything - you can only give him options, like ‘either go to a 30-day inpatient program + aftercare and I will support you any way I can, or move out.’. ultimately he needs to make the decision himself. As far as his parents, I would say only bring them in if you are pretty sure they will agree he has a problem and support him and you in rehab. my ex-ILs made all sorts of ridiculous suggestions and rationalizations and were not helpful, until after round 3 when I put them on the phone with an addiction specialist who gave them a very painful medical lesson… but if they would have backed me up, they would have been helpful in so many ways (including while I was trying to single parent young kids who came home one day to find daddy gone away for a month)

lastly - i havent gone back to the OP to see if you have kids, but if your position is ‘rehab or move out,’ I recommend consulting a divorce lawyer who specializes in addictions while he’s gone. that was the best thing I did in this whole nightmare, bar none. when he came back from rehab #2 we did a post-nup - it is essentially a legal agreement that enacts in the event you separate. because he was committed to saving the marriage (as was I at the time), we were able to set terms for monitoring his sobriety when he had custody of the kids (i.e, he was willing to agree to show me his commitment and in the hopes it would never come to pass). So after the 3rd rehab (not the last relapse, sadly) when we started divorce proceedings, he had already committed to various protective measures like not driving the kids in a car without an intoxilock and taking regular breathalyzers. it gives me SO much comfort when they are with him.

Thank you, truly. This (and so many other replies) are incredibly helpful.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I am a woman who drank too much for several years. DH had no idea bc I hid it. I drank in my car, in my home office while on late day calls, in the bathroom, the garage, etc. Id even be drinking cocktails at home while with DH while watching movies and he never caught on. I would either “hide” the empties in the trash (wrap the bottles in trash so they werent visible) or hide them someone for the evening and deal with them the next day.

What you are explaining sounds like your husband may be doing the same and what you are finding is forgotten evidence.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the one whose husband was out all hours of the night, supposedly with his neighbor/best friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you the one whose husband was out all hours of the night, supposedly with his neighbor/best friend?

Thankfully not me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a woman who drank too much for several years. DH had no idea bc I hid it. I drank in my car, in my home office while on late day calls, in the bathroom, the garage, etc. Id even be drinking cocktails at home while with DH while watching movies and he never caught on. I would either “hide” the empties in the trash (wrap the bottles in trash so they werent visible) or hide them someone for the evening and deal with them the next day.

What you are explaining sounds like your husband may be doing the same and what you are finding is forgotten evidence.

Thank you for sharing. What I can't wrap my head around is that how would I not notice he is tipsy/drunk? I can tell when he's had 2-3 beers, his voice slightly changes and he loosens up a bit. I can't imagine him drinking hard alcohol and me not noticing. Obviously I'm aware this is likely happening. How did you hide that or how did your DH not notice?

I do think the pepermint schnapps was an intentional choice because since I had kids, the smell of alcohol makes me so nauseous for some reason and I'm like HYPER aware of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a woman who drank too much for several years. DH had no idea bc I hid it. I drank in my car, in my home office while on late day calls, in the bathroom, the garage, etc. Id even be drinking cocktails at home while with DH while watching movies and he never caught on. I would either “hide” the empties in the trash (wrap the bottles in trash so they werent visible) or hide them someone for the evening and deal with them the next day.

What you are explaining sounds like your husband may be doing the same and what you are finding is forgotten evidence.

Thank you for sharing. What I can't wrap my head around is that how would I not notice he is tipsy/drunk? I can tell when he's had 2-3 beers, his voice slightly changes and he loosens up a bit. I can't imagine him drinking hard alcohol and me not noticing. Obviously I'm aware this is likely happening. How did you hide that or how did your DH not notice?

I do think the pepermint schnapps was an intentional choice because since I had kids, the smell of alcohol makes me so nauseous for some reason and I'm like HYPER aware of it.

OP, I’m a NP also in recovery. I’ll say, it was never my goal to get drunk. I *hated* the feeling of being drunk. Many people who drink drink as a form of self medication, and “drunk” isn’t the goal, but there are occasions where you end up drunk because you try to drink in available windows and it ends up being more than you anticipated or on an empty stomach, or whatever. Your DH is likely only drinking enough to keep the edge off whatever he’s feeling, or trying not to feel. That’s why you don’t notice, unless he goes overboard. Unfortunately, at this stage in the game, when he’s probably drinking all day, a lot of what he’s feeling is actually anxiety fuelled by the alcohol itself. He’s likely frightened of the withdrawal - it really becomes a vicious circle. I’m not excusing it, but at this point, the “choice” of it all feels out of his hands.

He sounds like he’s in the careless phase, where he is so consumed with drinking, access to drinking, wondering when he can drink, how he can get it, what to do with the evidence, etc. that he’s getting sloppy. It’s a sign this has been going on a long time.

He’s long gone. If you corner him, he will likely lie, or he may tell you a partial truth. Hopefully he will feel relieved that you know finally, and seek help. What that looks like is up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a woman who drank too much for several years. DH had no idea bc I hid it. I drank in my car, in my home office while on late day calls, in the bathroom, the garage, etc. Id even be drinking cocktails at home while with DH while watching movies and he never caught on. I would either “hide” the empties in the trash (wrap the bottles in trash so they werent visible) or hide them someone for the evening and deal with them the next day.

What you are explaining sounds like your husband may be doing the same and what you are finding is forgotten evidence.

Thank you for sharing. What I can't wrap my head around is that how would I not notice he is tipsy/drunk? I can tell when he's had 2-3 beers, his voice slightly changes and he loosens up a bit. I can't imagine him drinking hard alcohol and me not noticing. Obviously I'm aware this is likely happening. How did you hide that or how did your DH not notice?

I do think the pepermint schnapps was an intentional choice because since I had kids, the smell of alcohol makes me so nauseous for some reason and I'm like HYPER aware of it.

BTDT poster here. one of the most compelling things a marriage counselor said to us was that the worst thing an addict does to the people they love is steal their peace of mind. I am totally the type of person (type A, I admit) who knows how many bottles of sauvignon blanc are in the 50 bottle basement wine fridge, and yet somehow when some disappeared I thought I must have misremembered. there were other weird things to that in hindsight I absolutely cannot believe I was dumb enough to fall for (like he replaced my cooking sherry because he noticed ‘flakes’ in it - as if he would ever be in my cooking cabinet for anything, other than to feed his addiction). you didn’t notice because your subconscious doesnt want you to notice and deal with the reality. honestly - it took a long time to start trusting my own instincts again, and regain my ‘peace of mind.’. I’m sorry … but you are not alone. self care and forgiveness will be important as you heal.

[Anonymous]

OP from found out that my husband was cheating abroad.. is this you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP from found out that my husband was cheating abroad.. is this you?

Sadly I think so.

[Anonymous]

Was wondering the same. Hoping she’ll come back to give us an update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was wondering the same. Hoping she’ll come back to give us an update.

She updated the other thread.