What is happening- drinking problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm, I’m an alcoholic. It sounds like he is, too.

Consider going to Al-Anon. Also, look online for Dick Prodey lectures on Alcoholism. Very instructive, series of 8, start with whichever one seems most on-point for you.

Do you think so even thought between these instances he is never drunk?

Yes. Either he is frequently hiding drinking, or he has long periods of abstinence. Plenty of alcoholics with the same story (although those periods of abstinence get shorter and less frequent with time).

What I don’t understand is why many posters seem to be introducing affairs as possibilities.

[Anonymous]

I don’t totally understand the timeline, but could the new baby have been an anxiety that triggered some depression or addictive tendencies? It sounds like when he was hiding the beers in the basement, you were pregnant? So presumably not drinking much (or at all)? Maybe he was feeling some shame that he wanted to have a drink while you weren’t drinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t totally understand the timeline, but could the new baby have been an anxiety that triggered some depression or addictive tendencies? It sounds like when he was hiding the beers in the basement, you were pregnant? So presumably not drinking much (or at all)? Maybe he was feeling some shame that he wanted to have a drink while you weren’t drinking?

Baby is almost 1. I already had baby when I originally found the cans but he said they were there for a while so who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:August: I was looking for a serving platter in the cabinets of our in-law suite kitchen that we never use. I opened a drawer and there were 8 empty beer cans in it. I searched the rest of the area and didn't find anything else. I candidly brought them up to DH and he gaslit me at first before admitting to them being his. He said they were from a span on several months where he had a beer after work on a friday before coming upstairs (office is next to in law suite in the basement). Whatever, I thought it was weird but mostly shrugged it off.

October: We go on vacation as a family. DH was putting the kids to bed while I was cooking us a nice dinner in our airbnb. I was again opening cabinets looking for an appliance and there was a full, cold open beer in a random cabinet. He comes in the room, I ask him about it. He says he has no idea what I'm talking about. I'm like ITS A COLD BEER so was freshly placed there. He again gaslit me and denied it for 15 mins until I said I was going to wake our 3yo up and give him a huge punishment because he apparently got a beer, opened it, and hid it as it wasn't me. He said ok. I then told him to look me in my eyes and tell me its not his beer. He started crying and said that it was his beer and he was embarrassed and he put it in the cabinet because he wanted another beer (we had each had two while swimming that afternoon) and to feel a little carefree and like we were actually on vacation and he thought I wasn't going to grab another so he hid it. It just didn't make any sense to me because I was currently drinking a glass of wine while cooking and had one waiting for him for after he came down from putting the kids to bed.

February: he wanted to see a new movie that was out so I encouraged him to see if any of his friends were available last minute. They weren't and he was bummed so I said go alone, I'll handle bedtime. The movie was at 8pm and had a 90min run time. At 11:10pm I texted and asked where he was as our infant kept getting up and I really wanted a couple hours of sleep. He replied immediately and said he was on his way. He came home visibly drunk and slurring (he drove), said he had two beers at the movie theater, passed out and didn't help me with baby.

Last night: we had our best friends and their kids over. They were here from 3-5:30pm. We all had pizza and each adult had one beer. When friends left, Dh and I did baths, books, and bedtime with our kids. I answered 30 mins worth of emails while DH sat at the table chit chatting with me. Then he said he was going to walk the dog quick and that our neighbor (one of DH's best friends) may join with his dog. DH came home 70 mins later completely trashed. He puked for two straight hours. How can that happen in an hour? I was calm, rubbed his back, got him water and tylenol, crackers and gatorade. I said we'd talk about it tomorrow (today), but now today is here and I haven't so much as looked at him.

What is happening here? We have been together 20 years since we were 18 and he has never ever had any issues with alcohol, hiding things, gaslighting etc. We have a really solid marriage, genuinely enjoy each other, have healthy kids, good jobs, a nice work life balance etc. It feels weird to think 4 instances in an 8 month timeframe would be a drinking problem, but these are SO wildly out of character I'm having trouble opening a conversation or knowing what to think. This is really throwing me for a loop.

Never give Tylenol with alcohol

[Anonymous]

Just commenting that my spouse's alcohol problem also coincided with an affair. Or, the affair caused the alcoholism to significantly ramp up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just commenting that my spouse's alcohol problem also coincided with an affair. Or, the affair caused the alcoholism to significantly ramp up.

Can I ask how you found out?

[Anonymous]

He may or may not be having an affair. He’s definitely an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just commenting that my spouse's alcohol problem also coincided with an affair. Or, the affair caused the alcoholism to significantly ramp up.

+1

Here too.

[Anonymous]

Op here.

I just ran into neighbor wife and she made a comment about how tired their dog is today from playing with ours last night and we should let them wear each other out more often.

[Anonymous]

I was a closet wino for 5 years.
Going through menopause, moving out of state, selling the house alone, my mother's sudden death triggered it.
Anxiety driven. I am not a pill person so wine was my drug of choice. Never before 3 pm.
I stopped when the wine eventually triggered severe chest pains. Never drank another drop.
You need to sit and talk. My husband understood. He even bought the wine for me.
It's funny, I never got sick or had a hangover from the wine.

[Anonymous]

To me, this sounds like secretive drinking from hidden stashes. Alcoholics can start to do this when the count they consume is in excess of what is socially acceptable. Think- a bottle in the garage, alcohol in the water bottle, etc. I don't know why so many people are focusing on an affair. Talk to him honestly about the drinking.

[Anonymous]

He didn’t go to a movie and he didn’t walk the dog. He went to the bar or to to secretly drink.

Ask if he’s willing to get sober, if not - you need to get therapy or go to Al-Anon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I just ran into neighbor wife and she made a comment about how tired their dog is today from playing with ours last night and we should let them wear each other out more often.

He’s banging her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I just ran into neighbor wife and she made a comment about how tired their dog is today from playing with ours last night and we should let them wear each other out more often.

I’m not seeing the relevance of this …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm, I’m an alcoholic. It sounds like he is, too.

Consider going to Al-Anon. Also, look online for Dick Prodey lectures on Alcoholism. Very instructive, series of 8, start with whichever one seems most on-point for you.

Do you think so even thought between these instances he is never drunk?

OP, I am sure this PP's heart is in the right place, but I think you're at least a long conversation with your husband away from going to Al-Anon.

In fact, I think you have an excellent conversation starter - the end of your original post. Sit down with your husband and open with this:

"It feels weird to think 4 instances in an 8 month timeframe would be a drinking problem, but these are SO wildly out of character I'm having trouble opening a conversation or knowing what to think. This is really throwing me for a loop."