On a scale of 0-10, how angry would you be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

His response would put me at a 7,642 on a scale of 1-10.

+1

And especially since you said this is happening 3-4 times a year, my response would be "find and schedule a marriage counselor, or find an apartment and hire movers." This is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not divorce him OP? Sounds like your marriage will not have a happy ending anyway. Save time.

That’s rash, have a discussion about it in presence of grandparents, friends who are parents or a family therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first time this happened I would be at a 3.

Any subsequent event would be a 10. These are his children.

Nope. The first time I’d be a 9. Any subsequent times I would be checking into a hotel and he could deal with everything for rest of the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

His response would put me at a 7,642 on a scale of 1-10.

+1

And especially since you said this is happening 3-4 times a year, my response would be "find and schedule a marriage counselor, or find an apartment and hire movers." This is terrible.

+1,000. The shame from the first time event did nothing to change behavior. You need a reliable partner in parenting.

[Anonymous]

If your spouse has ADHD and is working really hard to do his best and was super apologetic, then I would be pissed but I'd get over it. If your spouse is really just a jerk, then I'd be livid. But 99% of spouses aren't selfish jerks, they are just struggling. Help your DH out of love instead of attacking him. He doesn't want to be a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

So he was working. I'd give him 1 out of 10. Raising kids are like that.

So was OP. But she managed to pick up the kid.

Isn't that wonderful!

Right, big deal that she had to cancel a meeting, right? I mean who cares about her job. She is there to pick up the slack whenever her man child can't be bothered to be a parent himself after being repeatedly reminded. I bet no one has ever reminded her that she has a child she needs to take care of. GTOH

+1. My now exDH’s strategic incompetence wrecked my own career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

His response would put me at a 7,642 on a scale of 1-10.

+1

And especially since you said this is happening 3-4 times a year, my response would be "find and schedule a marriage counselor, or find an apartment and hire movers." This is terrible.

I would move in tandem to “we will have to pay for a regular back up au pair or babysitter since I cannot leave my job when it is your turn to do pick up.”. Be firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was a regular thing I’d probably play mommy and first contact his boss to let boss know H missed pickup and needs to leave by 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. Then I’d contact his work every day he was supposed to pick up kid until he was so embarrassed he never did it again.

Nope. I would change all the contact numbers for daycare to DH. So it would be his cell getting blown up. It would’ve his work messages. I would also put down any receptionist or assistant who would answer the phone in case he’s not answering. That way he can deal with someone interrupting his meeting to say daycare is calling with an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a regular thing I’d probably play mommy and first contact his boss to let boss know H missed pickup and needs to leave by 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. Then I’d contact his work every day he was supposed to pick up kid until he was so embarrassed he never did it again.

Nope. I would change all the contact numbers for daycare to DH. So it would be his cell getting blown up. It would’ve his work messages. I would also put down any receptionist or assistant who would answer the phone in case he’s not answering. That way he can deal with someone interrupting his meeting to say daycare is calling with an emergency.

This is a bad safety decision. It will not achieve the goal of him stepping up. It could result in no active parent or emergency contact knowing about an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was a regular thing I’d probably play mommy and first contact his boss to let boss know H missed pickup and needs to leave by 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. Then I’d contact his work every day he was supposed to pick up kid until he was so embarrassed he never did it again.

What? You're crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse has ADHD and is working really hard to do his best and was super apologetic, then I would be pissed but I'd get over it. If your spouse is really just a jerk, then I'd be livid. But 99% of spouses aren't selfish jerks, they are just struggling. Help your DH out of love instead of attacking him. He doesn't want to be a jerk.

Why don’t we let Op opine on his response and follow up. She knows if he has negative coping mechanisms like being a jerk or lying or getting angry when he makes mistakes. I disagree with your 99% figure.

There are ADHd people who are kind.

And there are ADHd people who are jerks.

Struggling and letting yourself or others down is no reason to be a jerk. Frankly his survival hinges on having a caretaker, so it’s in his best interest NOT to be a jerk. Bullying can only get you so far in a repeat game like a marriage. Unf kids really lock in the codependency and healthy functional adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a regular thing I’d probably play mommy and first contact his boss to let boss know H missed pickup and needs to leave by 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. Then I’d contact his work every day he was supposed to pick up kid until he was so embarrassed he never did it again.

Nope. I would change all the contact numbers for daycare to DH. So it would be his cell getting blown up. It would’ve his work messages. I would also put down any receptionist or assistant who would answer the phone in case he’s not answering. That way he can deal with someone interrupting his meeting to say daycare is calling with an emergency.

This is a bad safety decision. It will not achieve the goal of him stepping up. It could result in no active parent or emergency contact knowing about an emergency.

With my ASD spouse having calendar invites and people calling him really stresses him out, he gets overwhelmed so easily by non-work tasks he lashes out and shuts down. It’s terrible. I wouldn’t wish this partner on anyone and I also feel bad for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is never an issue with one dedicated stay at home parent, two careers are just harder to juggle.

Exactly. Teach your kid to accommodate dysfunctional people by quitting your own career.

#enabling
#codependency
#ManChild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. These responses are interesting and somewhat reflect how I feel.

I want to give him grace because we are human and will mess up sometimes.

I want to wring his neck because this happens semi-regularly. He gets in work mode and forgets everything else. Yes, he has diagnosed ADHD and he is medicated, hence my attempts at putting systems in place for success (calendar reminders, email reminders, texts, calls, ughhh).

I was the kid whose parents were always late to pick me up after school, so his forgetfulness in this situation really really bothers me. I hate memories of being the one left behind.

I say this gently, as someone who was married to a parent who did not have the basic emotional skills to imagine what the child in this situation feels like being forgotten - you simply cannot provide enough of a safety net to prevent him doing this kind of stuff. Stepping in to control schedule, set up reminders, pick up forgotten or ignored tasks takes a tremendous amount out of you emotionally but also in terms of real time and energy you could be putting into your career and your own relationships with kids, friends and family.

At some point (after far more time than was necessary), I had to drop the rope. The kids see their Dad for himself, truly, and it is not a pretty picture. He does not have the skills for an close emotional relationship or regular presence. Yes, it is due to a mental disorder, but that does not make it my job to fix or compensate for. I support my kids coping with the real-life effects, not trying to make him seem what he is not or provide what he cannot.

Put on your own oxygen mask first. Then put the oxygen mask on your kids. Your DH is a grown up - he has to figure out his own oxygen mask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

No doubt the aftercare will impose a hefty fine for late pickup. But even if he pays it, ultimately it is family money that was wasted.

Yes but there is something about facing overworked daycare workers that would put a little bit of shame into him. It would cement in the necessity of either communicating with you about a change of pick up or becoming responsible and picking up himself.

There is something to be said about public embarrassment.

True, natural consequences work well for neurotypical people. And don’t work at all for the opposite.

Agree heartily. Though I’d feel like a complete ass asking them to stay a minute longer for him to get there.

I hate responses like this. We’re not neurotypical and we still have to sort that stuff out. It’s great that you’re pointing out that it might not be an effective correction for many, but it doesn’t help.

Hell yeah it helps.

If you know scolding and natural consequences don’t result in a learning moment for an ADHDer or neuroatypical don’t use your energy doing it. It would not only waste your emotional energy to do it, it would build up anxiety in the neuroatypical and they don’t handle that well either. More suffering for all.

He needs therapy. He’s married with a wife, house, two jobs family, and kid now. the stakes are high.