On a scale of 0-10, how angry would you be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be way too busy to remember or do things for him in the future. Like buy his parents gifts, make him a birthday cake, do any and all favors etc. But before I "forgot" I would promise to do them.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. These responses are interesting and somewhat reflect how I feel.

I want to give him grace because we are human and will mess up sometimes.

I want to wring his neck because this happens semi-regularly. He gets in work mode and forgets everything else. Yes, he has diagnosed ADHD and he is medicated, hence my attempts at putting systems in place for success (calendar reminders, email reminders, texts, calls, ughhh).

I was the kid whose parents were always late to pick me up after school, so his forgetfulness in this situation really really bothers me. I hate memories of being the one left behind.

I say this gently, as someone who was married to a parent who did not have the basic emotional skills to imagine what the child in this situation feels like being forgotten - you simply cannot provide enough of a safety net to prevent him doing this kind of stuff. Stepping in to control schedule, set up reminders, pick up forgotten or ignored tasks takes a tremendous amount out of you emotionally but also in terms of real time and energy you could be putting into your career and your own relationships with kids, friends and family.

At some point (after far more time than was necessary), I had to drop the rope. The kids see their Dad for himself, truly, and it is not a pretty picture. He does not have the skills for an close emotional relationship or regular presence. Yes, it is due to a mental disorder, but that does not make it my job to fix or compensate for. I support my kids coping with the real-life effects, not trying to make him seem what he is not or provide what he cannot.

Put on your own oxygen mask first. Then put the oxygen mask on your kids. Your DH is a grown up - he has to figure out his own oxygen mask.

Same situation here. I don’t cover for him any longer - not with calendar, his interpersonal “relationships”, or socially.
The kids Unf have adapted to him then usual sad ways one does to someone who neglects them. As they grew up they stopped begging him for attention, though one is clingy with male figures so that’s not good.


What age are your kids now and when you first dropped the rope and stopped covering for him?

It was a gradual thing. When the kids were little I stepped in because I was genuinely afraid something bad would happen due to his incompetence. As they got old enough to voice their needs and have a level of responsibility, I stepped away from some things - not hosting him for dinner on his visitation nights but suggesting he take them out instead. Not going with him on weekend days, etc. I had full custody, so that helped. I really dropped the rope when he remarried because I thought at least the kids would be physically safe. One was late ES and they other was MS. His wife is as emotionally neglectful as he is toward the kids, but the kids are very responsible, so I don’t worry to much about their emotional safety.

I basically cut almost all ties when he entered my house (at my invitation) but was verbally abusive to me.

By HS, they both had therapists, so that helps them set boundaries with him.

It’s hard to let the kids see him for who he is, but it’s better than trying to cover for him and teaching them to deny reality or feel responsible for another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

In this case, anger level would be 20.

That’s it? You’re a better person than me.

[Anonymous]

Divorce would absolutely be on the table and brought up by me if this were a pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be way too busy to remember or do things for him in the future. Like buy his parents gifts, make him a birthday cake, do any and all favors etc. But before I "forgot" I would promise to do them.

Same.

Because nothing makes for a happy marriage like moronic, childish tit-for-tat revenge. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

So he was working. I'd give him 1 out of 10. Raising kids are like that.

So was OP. But she managed to pick up the kid.

Isn't that wonderful!

No. It's the bare minimum of competent parenting, which OP's manchild husband failed to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

So he was working. I'd give him 1 out of 10. Raising kids are like that.

No, he doesn’t get a pass because raising kids are hard. GTFOH. Mom had to leave to work, cancel her Meeting and literally run over to pick up the child. This is happening way to many times to be an oops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not trust him to take the kids anywhere in the summer. You hear about young children dying in cars due to absent minded fathers leaving them in hot cars.

Why do you think mothers can't or don't do this? Just look it up.

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife does this kind of thing sometimes when she forgets to pick and come kids up after being confirmed on it the night before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

So he was working. I'd give him 1 out of 10. Raising kids are like that.

No, he doesn’t get a pass because raising kids are hard. GTFOH. Mom had to leave to work, cancel her Meeting and literally run over to pick up the child. This is happening way to many times to be an oops.

The folks downplaying this are missing OP's posts saying this is a semi-regular occurence.

The thing that you may not understand if you've tried raising kids with someone like the OP's husband is how draining it is to always need to be on duty. If you have a partner who regularly forgets pick-up, or changes plans at the last second, or doesn't come home when they say they will, it means you can never truly focus on your own job and you can never totally relax. You are always waiting for that phone call that says the kid is still at daycare/school/practice. Not to mention that I'd warrant OP does the lion's share of the other executive functioning in the relationship - doctor's appointments, birthday parties, meal planning, etc.

It is absolutely draining and relentless for decades.

[Anonymous]

The folks downplaying this are missing OP's posts saying this is a semi-regular occurence.

It’s not very credible though. Day cares won’t put up with it.

[Anonymous]

My DH and 2 of my 3 kids have ADHD. I completely understand the partnering challenges this presents and being the person who works a harder to ensure supports are in place to better ensure what needs to get done, gets done. A big reason my relationship with my DH works is because he recognizes his limitations in this area and either puts in place or lets me put in place supports to better ensure he pulls his weight. He is, by no means, perfect and getting him to put stuff on the calendar has been a decades old battle. But, when it's his turn to do something, he pulls himself away from whatever has his interest and does it. He's never forgotten to pick up a kid.

I gently suggest, though, that ADHD is not the problem. The problem is your DH chooses not to recognize what the priority is. Yes, it's hard to shift attention from something preferred to something not preferred. But there are a ton of tools/prompts to better ensure that doesn't happen - like the timers, reminders, beepers, etc. If your DH is so impacted by his ADHD that he is unable to shift his attention to something so important as picking up your child, he cannot be trusted to care for your child. And, that kind of impairment would carry over into other critical areas of your life. It should be a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Does he miss important business meetings? Multiple times a year? I suspect not. Whatever system is using for them (like putting the commitment on his calendar), he has to do for the picking up his children.

If he gets out of it, he is probably achieving his subconscious goal. It is very sad that the natural consequences of this irresponsibility are not enough for him, but since they are not, you need to increase the "cost" of this behavior. You need to both agree on a consequence that he DOES care about: money, no golf, all household chores for a week. He has to have skin in the game (not just your aggravation).

I would even ask for therapy around this, because a good parent would be dependable, not selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The folks downplaying this are missing OP's posts saying this is a semi-regular occurence.

It’s not very credible though. Day cares won’t put up with it.

It’s not daycare. It’s aftercare. And it’s probably just one person there at the end of the day. What that person will or won’t put up with depends on the individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was remorseful and he's on top of things 90% of the time? I wouldn't be as mad as you are. You can expect perfection op. I'm a woman and I do a lot, but I sure as heck am not perfect.

It also sounds like he’s routinely doing pickups. He’s getting it right most of the time.

WTF???

What daycares do you people use where you can miss pickup 10% of the time??? That’s like a pilot saying “I land safely 90% of the time! Get off my back about those crashes!”