On a scale of 0-10, how angry would you be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a regular thing I’d probably play mommy and first contact his boss to let boss know H missed pickup and needs to leave by 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. Then I’d contact his work every day he was supposed to pick up kid until he was so embarrassed he never did it again.

Do not do this. Ever. Definitely don’t do this if you want your partner to have this job or a reference from this job.

Seriously.

I might threaten to do this but I would never actually do it.

But what about the impact it's having on OP's job? Her H doesn't care. Why should she prioritize his career when he doesn't prioritize hers?

Also, they won't fire him. At best he won't get promoted, but if he can't handle his job as is, that's probably a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. These responses are interesting and somewhat reflect how I feel.

I want to give him grace because we are human and will mess up sometimes.

I want to wring his neck because this happens semi-regularly. He gets in work mode and forgets everything else. Yes, he has diagnosed ADHD and he is medicated, hence my attempts at putting systems in place for success (calendar reminders, email reminders, texts, calls, ughhh).

I was the kid whose parents were always late to pick me up after school, so his forgetfulness in this situation really really bothers me. I hate memories of being the one left behind.

I say this gently, as someone who was married to a parent who did not have the basic emotional skills to imagine what the child in this situation feels like being forgotten - you simply cannot provide enough of a safety net to prevent him doing this kind of stuff. Stepping in to control schedule, set up reminders, pick up forgotten or ignored tasks takes a tremendous amount out of you emotionally but also in terms of real time and energy you could be putting into your career and your own relationships with kids, friends and family.

At some point (after far more time than was necessary), I had to drop the rope. The kids see their Dad for himself, truly, and it is not a pretty picture. He does not have the skills for an close emotional relationship or regular presence. Yes, it is due to a mental disorder, but that does not make it my job to fix or compensate for. I support my kids coping with the real-life effects, not trying to make him seem what he is not or provide what he cannot.

Put on your own oxygen mask first. Then put the oxygen mask on your kids. Your DH is a grown up - he has to figure out his own oxygen mask.

Same situation here. I don’t cover for him any longer - not with calendar, his interpersonal “relationships”, or socially.
The kids Unf have adapted to him then usual sad ways one does to someone who neglects them. As they grew up they stopped begging him for attention, though one is clingy with male figures so that’s not good.


What age are your kids now and when you first dropped the rope and stopped covering for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is never an issue with one dedicated stay at home parent, two careers are just harder to juggle.

Exactly. Teach your kid to accommodate dysfunctional people by quitting your own career.

#enabling
#codependency
#ManChild

Agreed! I’m a SAHM at the moment, and there is no way I would do this to accommodate a dysfunctional spouse. You would only trade one set of issues for another. SAH or WOH -for the family to be successful there has to be a partnership. Marriage should be about having each other’s backs, not skipping out on responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a regular thing I’d probably play mommy and first contact his boss to let boss know H missed pickup and needs to leave by 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. Then I’d contact his work every day he was supposed to pick up kid until he was so embarrassed he never did it again.

Do not do this. Ever. Definitely don’t do this if you want your partner to have this job or a reference from this job.

Seriously.

I might threaten to do this but I would never actually do it.

But what about the impact it's having on OP's job? Her H doesn't care. Why should she prioritize his career when he doesn't prioritize hers?

Also, they won't fire him. At best he won't get promoted, but if he can't handle his job as is, that's probably a good thing.

I’d be long term concerned about his ability to hold down a job period.

Op join some support groups of spouses in your same situation. Lots of tips and good to talk and process things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not trust him to take the kids anywhere in the summer. You hear about young children dying in cars due to absent minded fathers leaving them in hot cars.

OP here, thankfully child is old enough to get out of a car. But the first few years, I was a nervous wreck every time thry were in the car on a hot day without me.

And it’s funny that you correctly assumed spouse is a “he.” Of course he’s a he.

Why do you say "of course?"

DCUM rule - all men are stupid, lazy, and irresponsible.

Hit a nerve?

Not all men, PP. But if you tell me a story like OP did, with a parent “forgetting” to pick up their own child from child care, despite clearly needing multiple reminders, the safe bet is that the dysfunctional parent is a male.

Bullshit. The only time our kids got picked up late is because DW “forgot”. Late last year she didn’t pick up DD after school and I got a call from DD from the school office so I had to leave work early and rush to the school so my DD wasn’t standing there deserted.

But even though DW is the only one in our marriage who effs up like that, I do not assert any broad conclusions about women from this, in contrast to the DCUM practice of claiming that all men suck when one particular man screws up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse has ADHD and is working really hard to do his best and was super apologetic, then I would be pissed but I'd get over it. If your spouse is really just a jerk, then I'd be livid. But 99% of spouses aren't selfish jerks, they are just struggling. Help your DH out of love instead of attacking him. He doesn't want to be a jerk.

Why don’t we let Op opine on his response and follow up. She knows if he has negative coping mechanisms like being a jerk or lying or getting angry when he makes mistakes. I disagree with your 99% figure.

There are ADHd people who are kind.

And there are ADHd people who are jerks.

Struggling and letting yourself or others down is no reason to be a jerk. Frankly his survival hinges on having a caretaker, so it’s in his best interest NOT to be a jerk. Bullying can only get you so far in a repeat game like a marriage. Unf kids really lock in the codependency and healthy functional adult.

This. ADHD is an explanation for problems like this. It is not an excuse. He is an adult and a parent, and he has to find a way to meet his obligations to his child anyway.

I once met a mom who lost two legs while serving in the military. She had two kids and the day I met her she had her baby strapped to her chest and a toddler in a stroller, and she was moving slow but getting it done. She told me "I have to leave 30 minutes early for everything. But I signed up for this!"

He signed up for this. He is not allowed to just claim ADHD and be exempted from basic parenting duties. It is up to him to figure it out, in tandem with his partner, and if the current approach isn't working, HE needs to figure out a better one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is never an issue with one dedicated stay at home parent, two careers are just harder to juggle.

Exactly. Teach your kid to accommodate dysfunctional people by quitting your own career.

#enabling
#codependency
#ManChild

Agreed! I’m a SAHM at the moment, and there is no way I would do this to accommodate a dysfunctional spouse. You would only trade one set of issues for another. SAH or WOH -for the family to be successful there has to be a partnership. Marriage should be about having each other’s backs, not skipping out on responsibility.

Agree. Only way I’d quit for a mentally dysfunctional spouse I am stuck with kids with was if he would be thankful/grateful all the time for all that I would be doing on the home and child raising front, AND he made over $1m a year for a long time. I would also hire a housekeeper type person who drove and nannied when needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not trust him to take the kids anywhere in the summer. You hear about young children dying in cars due to absent minded fathers leaving them in hot cars.

OP here, thankfully child is old enough to get out of a car. But the first few years, I was a nervous wreck every time thry were in the car on a hot day without me.

And it’s funny that you correctly assumed spouse is a “he.” Of course he’s a he.

Why do you say "of course?"

DCUM rule - all men are stupid, lazy, and irresponsible.

Hit a nerve?

Not all men, PP. But if you tell me a story like OP did, with a parent “forgetting” to pick up their own child from child care, despite clearly needing multiple reminders, the safe bet is that the dysfunctional parent is a male.

Bullshit. The only time our kids got picked up late is because DW “forgot”. Late last year she didn’t pick up DD after school and I got a call from DD from the school office so I had to leave work early and rush to the school so my DD wasn’t standing there deserted.

But even though DW is the only one in our marriage who effs up like that, I do not assert any broad conclusions about women from this, in contrast to the DCUM practice of claiming that all men suck when one particular man screws up.

This happened ONE time?

Cry me a river. You no clue.

OP and women like her would be F—I guess thrilled with ONE time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

His response would put me at a 7,642 on a scale of 1-10.

Same tbh

This would be counseling territory for me, and if things didn't change, divorce.

This is about way more than picking up a kid. The level of absolute disrespect, as well as not giving a crap about his own child, would make this a dealbreaker for the marriage. I just couldn't do it. And my husband is by no means super-dad. But he would not do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a regular thing I’d probably play mommy and first contact his boss to let boss know H missed pickup and needs to leave by 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. Then I’d contact his work every day he was supposed to pick up kid until he was so embarrassed he never did it again.

Do not do this. Ever. Definitely don’t do this if you want your partner to have this job or a reference from this job.

Seriously.

I might threaten to do this but I would never actually do it.

But what about the impact it's having on OP's job? Her H doesn't care. Why should she prioritize his career when he doesn't prioritize hers?

Also, they won't fire him. At best he won't get promoted, but if he can't handle his job as is, that's probably a good thing.

She can prioritize her career in a bajillion ways that do not involve picking up the phone, calling his boss, and letting the boss know that he needs to leave by 4 some days, then confirming on those days that he is leaving early, with the boss. It sounds like what you are suggesting is that OP go out of her way to create a situation at her husband's job where his boss does not respect him either personally or professionally, just to prove a point. It's not going to create fewer problems. It's probably not even going to solve the original problem. Do you have any idea how crazy this sounds?

[Anonymous]

10

[Anonymous]

Does he wipe his own butt?

If so, he’s teachable. But maybe for only things he directly benefits from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a regular thing I’d probably play mommy and first contact his boss to let boss know H missed pickup and needs to leave by 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. Then I’d contact his work every day he was supposed to pick up kid until he was so embarrassed he never did it again.

Do not do this. Ever. Definitely don’t do this if you want your partner to have this job or a reference from this job.

Seriously.

I might threaten to do this but I would never actually do it.

But what about the impact it's having on OP's job? Her H doesn't care. Why should she prioritize his career when he doesn't prioritize hers?

Also, they won't fire him. At best he won't get promoted, but if he can't handle his job as is, that's probably a good thing.

She can prioritize her career in a bajillion ways that do not involve picking up the phone, calling his boss, and letting the boss know that he needs to leave by 4 some days, then confirming on those days that he is leaving early, with the boss. It sounds like what you are suggesting is that OP go out of her way to create a situation at her husband's job where his boss does not respect him either personally or professionally, just to prove a point. It's not going to create fewer problems. It's probably not even going to solve the original problem. Do you have any idea how crazy this sounds?

Hm…almost like…not respecting your spouse as a person or a professional is bad…except when OPs husband does it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are both in meetings when your kid needs picking up from aftercare this is a logistics issue not just a communication/spouse issue. What time was it? If you both regularly work late it might make more sense to get an after school sitter. I finish work at 6pm twice a week and the school aftercare ends at 6, so we don’t use it.

I often see posts like this and wonder if the poster is deliberately being obtuse or if they really thing this way. The mother obviously realized it is a logistics issue, which is why she reminded the father numerous times, because she knew she wasn't available.

I mean, come on.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he just doesn’t give a shit. Is he like this in other areas too?