On a scale of 0-10, how angry would you be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

So he was working. I'd give him 1 out of 10. Raising kids are like that.

No, he doesn’t get a pass because raising kids are hard. GTFOH. Mom had to leave to work, cancel her Meeting and literally run over to pick up the child. This is happening way to many times to be an oops.

The folks downplaying this are missing OP's posts saying this is a semi-regular occurence.

The thing that you may not understand if you've tried raising kids with someone like the OP's husband is how draining it is to always need to be on duty. If you have a partner who regularly forgets pick-up, or changes plans at the last second, or doesn't come home when they say they will, it means you can never truly focus on your own job and you can never totally relax. You are always waiting for that phone call that says the kid is still at daycare/school/practice. Not to mention that I'd warrant OP does the lion's share of the other executive functioning in the relationship - doctor's appointments, birthday parties, meal planning, etc.

It is absolutely draining and relentless for decades.

I live with all of the above, and it is draining.
DH and I lived apart for a year due to his work and mine, and in a lot of ways it was easier to just be on my own with reliable babysitters.

I love him though. He has so much energy and excitement about life, makes me laugh all of the time, loves to read and has interesting thoughts and ideas, and is a good cook and great in bed. The other stuff isn’t a deal breaker, but I wish it wasn’t such an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: … if your spouse forgot to pick up your child from aftercare?

In this instance, there were two google calendar notifications, a verbal reminder the night before, and multiple phone calls and texts (that went unanswered) in the 2 hours leading up to pick up time?[u]

And would your anger scale response change if this is something that happened 3-4 times per year?

The problem is really with OP's approach.

If your spouse knows that you are going to get multiple calendar notifications, verbal reminders, phone calls and texts for him to do something, he knows he just does not need to be responsible. There are no negative consequences to him. Other than that you are pissed off.

I am a male. I did this with my wife and kids too - they wont learn responsibility. I used to bug my child to get ready for school. He is almost ready but the last little things like putting on shoes, he would defer until I tell him we are really getting late. I let him be late once, did not bug him. He was tardy that day. Wife was livid that I was so mean to our son. But he was never late again and now looks at the time himself and makes sure he is not late. I know most of you do this with your kids. But it is the same with a spouse too.

I would say just ease up on the reminders. Let him actually face the consequences. You should not have rushed to the daycare. You could have let it play out and your DH would have to take care of it. He would never ever do that again. Maybe once or twice but no more. You would be set for life. Otherwise you are on a path of lifelong frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: … if your spouse forgot to pick up your child from aftercare?

In this instance, there were two google calendar notifications, a verbal reminder the night before, and multiple phone calls and texts (that went unanswered) in the 2 hours leading up to pick up time?[u]

And would your anger scale response change if this is something that happened 3-4 times per year?

The problem is really with OP's approach.

If your spouse knows that you are going to get multiple calendar notifications, verbal reminders, phone calls and texts for him to do something, he knows he just does not need to be responsible. There are no negative consequences to him. Other than that you are pissed off.

I am a male. I did this with my wife and kids too - they wont learn responsibility. I used to bug my child to get ready for school. He is almost ready but the last little things like putting on shoes, he would defer until I tell him we are really getting late. I let him be late once, did not bug him. He was tardy that day. Wife was livid that I was so mean to our son. But he was never late again and now looks at the time himself and makes sure he is not late. I know most of you do this with your kids. But it is the same with a spouse too.

I would say just ease up on the reminders. Let him actually face the consequences. You should not have rushed to the daycare. You could have let it play out and your DH would have to take care of it. He would never ever do that again. Maybe once or twice but no more. You would be set for life. Otherwise you are on a path of lifelong frustration.

Is this typical?
My kids don’t care if they are tardy to school. There are no consequences to them for being tardy other than getting a tardy slip. This is in no way enough incentive for them to completely change their behavior. And, really, if I typically tell them to get ready and didn’t one morning, they would blame the tardy on me, not themselves.

Maybe if I was to talk with them about getting ready for school being their responsibility, and I let them be tardy many times, they would change. But the person who really suffers consequences for kids being frequently tardy is me, not them.

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever say what kind of job her DH works at (and their salaries?)

I know the Perfectly Egalitarian DCUM crowd will jump on me for this but it matters.

ON AVERAGE, women are given leeway to run to attend to kid matters that many dads just simply aren't given. Granted, my experience was over a decade ago, but I remember getting grief about leaving work, taking the fully allotted three weeks of paternity leave, etc., and it stuck (it didn't help that my wife's boss heavily hinted that if she didn't come back after six weeks, she'd be fired.)

Now if OP's gonna need to jump to it and fix childcare issues, OP needs the car or they need to get a second car.

If he's a law partner making $600k a year and a client wants a meeting, client gets a meeting. He's paid enough to either have a SAHM wife (or one who can drop everything to handle these minor inconveniences) or throw money at all problems (second car, au pair, evening assistant/nanny, etc.)

But if he's a vanilla IC making $100-$150k a year married to another vanilla IC making similar money? Then yeah, DH needs to step up his game, and OP may need to execute a paradigm shift - that runs up to and including divorce.

If DH works for someone who likes to call random meetings, either DH needs to learn that "I can't make this 4:45pm meeting called with an hour's notice" or to look for a new job.

I get paid a fairly senior IC salary to manage a bunch of workstations and servers. Someone wants to meet me at 4:45 for an hour and nothing's actually broken? S/he can wait until tomorrow, or work can do without me the next day as I watch a movie mid-day Don Draper style. My wife is a SAHM now, but we live in an area DCUM looks down on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The folks downplaying this are missing OP's posts saying this is a semi-regular occurence.

It’s not very credible though. Day cares won’t put up with it.

It’s not daycare. It’s aftercare. And it’s probably just one person there at the end of the day. What that person will or won’t put up with depends on the individual.

Distinction without a difference, idiot. They won’t put up with repeatedly doing a late pickup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: … if your spouse forgot to pick up your child from aftercare?

In this instance, there were two google calendar notifications, a verbal reminder the night before, and multiple phone calls and texts (that went unanswered) in the 2 hours leading up to pick up time?[u]

And would your anger scale response change if this is something that happened 3-4 times per year?

The problem is really with OP's approach.

If your spouse knows that you are going to get multiple calendar notifications, verbal reminders, phone calls and texts for him to do something, he knows he just does not need to be responsible. There are no negative consequences to him. Other than that you are pissed off.

I am a male. I did this with my wife and kids too - they wont learn responsibility. I used to bug my child to get ready for school. He is almost ready but the last little things like putting on shoes, he would defer until I tell him we are really getting late. I let him be late once, did not bug him. He was tardy that day. Wife was livid that I was so mean to our son. But he was never late again and now looks at the time himself and makes sure he is not late. I know most of you do this with your kids. But it is the same with a spouse too.

I would say just ease up on the reminders. Let him actually face the consequences. You should not have rushed to the daycare. You could have let it play out and your DH would have to take care of it. He would never ever do that again. Maybe once or twice but no more. You would be set for life. Otherwise you are on a path of lifelong frustration.

This is like the conservative dad wish fulfillment fiction. So to be clear, your son didn't care about being tardy, but he is now deeply committed to being on time because of something that didn't matter to him? Your wife was livid because you let your son be tardy? OP should just leave her kid hanging out for 30 minutes or an hour or however long it took her husband to remember, get out of his meeting, and travel to the daycare site?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

So he was working. I'd give him 1 out of 10. Raising kids are like that.

And so was the OP! In her post she said she had to cancel a meeting and sprint over. If you have childcare duties you arrange your meetings around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he just doesn’t give a shit. Is he like this in other areas too?

It sounds like he was with another woman.

You never knowingly leave your kid stranded. That's appalling behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

So, how did you know to pick up the child? Do you live 2 minutes away and the aftercare called you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

So he was working. I'd give him 1 out of 10. Raising kids are like that.

And so was the OP! In her post she said she had to cancel a meeting and sprint over. If you have childcare duties you arrange your meetings around that.

The meeting was at the Courtyard Marriott.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was remorseful and he's on top of things 90% of the time? I wouldn't be as mad as you are. You can expect perfection op. I'm a woman and I do a lot, but I sure as heck am not perfect.

It also sounds like he’s routinely doing pickups. He’s getting it right most of the time.

WTF???

What daycares do you people use where you can miss pickup 10% of the time??? That’s like a pilot saying “I land safely 90% of the time! Get off my back about those crashes!”

Does anyone have a daycare that wouldn’t kick you out for missing 10% of pickups? Please share this magical place!

[Anonymous]

The late fees are a money maker. They won’t kick you out. Just charge you $2-5 a minute late

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The late fees are a money maker. They won’t kick you out. Just charge you $2-5 a minute late

IMO it's not just the money issue. The poor kid. Always the last. Imagine how the kid feels knowing that daddy forgets about him or doesn't care enough to be there on time. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The late fees are a money maker. They won’t kick you out. Just charge you $2-5 a minute late

I work in daycare and I guarantee you none of us want this extra two dollars. We want our time because we value our own time. We have a life after daycare some of us have our own children to go home to, pick up or take care of. Keep your two dollars.

[Anonymous]

Good then kick them out of the day care program and delinquent dad can handle the coverage and finding another opening somewhere. Should work out great for Op and the kid.