On a scale of 0-10, how angry would you be

[Anonymous]

What was his response after “I was in a meeting”? Was it an apologetic “I was in a meeting” or a defiant one? Did he apologize to you or your child? Was child upset?

Basically, what comes next? Your anger is not misplaced but it sounds like the dynamic between you/DH and DH/parenting responsibilities are the problems here. How does he propose those things be fixed?

[Anonymous]

My anger would be at 1 million after that response because YOU WERE ALSO WORKING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can't do pickup anymore. Which is really sh*tty. Strategic incompetence. But, the child is more important so you have to step up.

is actually scheduled to do it more so he can see what a pain it is and maybe do better going forward. Give the kid his binder, see the alarm on his phone to go off every ten minutes leading up to the time he needs to leave etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I threatened divorce in this situation. With hard work we fixed our marriage.

Hopefully part of fixing your marriage was not threatening divorce when you are angry!

[Anonymous]

If this was a regular thing I’d probably play mommy and first contact his boss to let boss know H missed pickup and needs to leave by 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. Then I’d contact his work every day he was supposed to pick up kid until he was so embarrassed he never did it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

No doubt the aftercare will impose a hefty fine for late pickup. But even if he pays it, ultimately it is family money that was wasted.

Yes but there is something about facing overworked daycare workers that would put a little bit of shame into him. It would cement in the necessity of either communicating with you about a change of pick up or becoming responsible and picking up himself.

There is something to be said about public embarrassment.

True, natural consequences work well for neurotypical people. And don’t work at all for the opposite.

Agree heartily. Though I’d feel like a complete ass asking them to stay a minute longer for him to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was a regular thing I’d probably play mommy and first contact his boss to let boss know H missed pickup and needs to leave by 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. Then I’d contact his work every day he was supposed to pick up kid until he was so embarrassed he never did it again.

Do not do this. Ever. Definitely don’t do this if you want your partner to have this job or a reference from this job.

Seriously.

I might threaten to do this but I would never actually do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would not trust him to take the kids anywhere in the summer. You hear about young children dying in cars due to absent minded fathers leaving them in hot cars.

OP here, thankfully child is old enough to get out of a car. But the first few years, I was a nervous wreck every time thry were in the car on a hot day without me.

And it’s funny that you correctly assumed spouse is a “he.” Of course he’s a he.

Why do you say "of course?"

DCUM rule - all men are stupid, lazy, and irresponsible.

Hit a nerve?

Not all men, PP. But if you tell me a story like OP did, with a parent “forgetting” to pick up their own child from child care, despite clearly needing multiple reminders, the safe bet is that the dysfunctional parent is a male.

I’m a woman and if I heard this story, I would assume the forgetful parent is one who does pickup less often (or on an irregular schedule), and therefore is more likely to forget an occasional, rather than regular, duty. This usually correlates with gender also, but that is due to a host of other issues, including that women are often paid less and therefore choose jobs that allow for pickups so the more highly paid spouse can work. The occasional vs regular duty also contributes heavily to the problem of kids in hot cars.

Also not clear if he forgot, or he knew and didn’t choose to budge. Instead he texted his wife at the last second that’s he’s busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. These responses are interesting and somewhat reflect how I feel.

I want to give him grace because we are human and will mess up sometimes.

I want to wring his neck because this happens semi-regularly. He gets in work mode and forgets everything else. Yes, he has diagnosed ADHD and he is medicated, hence my attempts at putting systems in place for success (calendar reminders, email reminders, texts, calls, ughhh).

I was the kid whose parents were always late to pick me up after school, so his forgetfulness in this situation really really bothers me. I hate memories of being the one left behind.

Well then.

It will be a rollercoaster parenting with an ADHD or ASD spouse.

Practice self care, set up systems, get him in executive functioning therapy, keep the child safe and the dysfunctional spouse will need supervision of all sorts.

Consider only having 1 kid. It may save your sanity and marriage.

[Anonymous]

The first time this happened I would be at a 3.

Any subsequent event would be a 10. These are his children.

[Anonymous]

This is never an issue with one dedicated stay at home parent, two careers are just harder to juggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: … if your spouse forgot to pick up your child from aftercare?

In this instance, there were two google calendar notifications, a verbal reminder the night before, and multiple phone calls and texts (that went unanswered) in the 2 hours leading up to pick up time?

And would your anger scale response change if this is something that happened 3-4 times per year?

10

[Anonymous]

Why not divorce him OP? Sounds like your marriage will not have a happy ending anyway. Save time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

No doubt the aftercare will impose a hefty fine for late pickup. But even if he pays it, ultimately it is family money that was wasted.

Yes but there is something about facing overworked daycare workers that would put a little bit of shame into him. It would cement in the necessity of either communicating with you about a change of pick up or becoming responsible and picking up himself.

There is something to be said about public embarrassment.

True, natural consequences work well for neurotypical people. And don’t work at all for the opposite.

Agree heartily. Though I’d feel like a complete ass asking them to stay a minute longer for him to get there.

I hate responses like this. We’re not neurotypical and we still have to sort that stuff out. It’s great that you’re pointing out that it might not be an effective correction for many, but it doesn’t help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

His response would put me at a 7,642 on a scale of 1-10.

Haha same