On a scale of 0-10, how angry would you be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The late fees are a money maker. They won’t kick you out. Just charge you $2-5 a minute late

IMO it's not just the money issue. The poor kid. Always the last. Imagine how the kid feels knowing that daddy forgets about him or doesn't care enough to be there on time. Poor kid.

Does delinquent dad care? Or will he deflect and say it’s just once or twice, or that happened long ago, or I’m there most times!
Is he gonna gaslight his own kid and the kids feelings with his excuses? Probably. Shuts down and invalidates his own kid after his own mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did OP ever say what kind of job her DH works at (and their salaries?)

I know the Perfectly Egalitarian DCUM crowd will jump on me for this but it matters.

ON AVERAGE, women are given leeway to run to attend to kid matters that many dads just simply aren't given. Granted, my experience was over a decade ago, but I remember getting grief about leaving work, taking the fully allotted three weeks of paternity leave, etc., and it stuck (it didn't help that my wife's boss heavily hinted that if she didn't come back after six weeks, she'd be fired.)

Now if OP's gonna need to jump to it and fix childcare issues, OP needs the car or they need to get a second car.

If he's a law partner making $600k a year and a client wants a meeting, client gets a meeting. He's paid enough to either have a SAHM wife (or one who can drop everything to handle these minor inconveniences) or throw money at all problems (second car, au pair, evening assistant/nanny, etc.)

But if he's a vanilla IC making $100-$150k a year married to another vanilla IC making similar money? Then yeah, DH needs to step up his game, and OP may need to execute a paradigm shift - that runs up to and including divorce.

If DH works for someone who likes to call random meetings, either DH needs to learn that "I can't make this 4:45pm meeting called with an hour's notice" or to look for a new job.

I get paid a fairly senior IC salary to manage a bunch of workstations and servers. Someone wants to meet me at 4:45 for an hour and nothing's actually broken? S/he can wait until tomorrow, or work can do without me the next day as I watch a movie mid-day Don Draper style. My wife is a SAHM now, but we live in an area DCUM looks down on.

I agree with you.
Also, I know this is a topic for another thread, but the bolded really aggravates me.
My issue with raising kids really hasn’t been my job. My job reasonably expects me to handle half of the childcare. (Kind of like your wife getting six weeks off…if you had also had six weeks off, it would have been reasonable). DH’s job, OTOH, expects me to handle 100% of anything that comes up at home. Between the two, we are struggling.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Wow, I never thought there would be so many responses.

The problem with letting the negative consequences play out is that they mostly negatively affect my child and me but not DH. His missed pick-ups, towed cars, time lapses, dead cell phones, failed classes, and lost wallets affect us all in some way. Our most recent therapist said the same thing, to let the consequences play out, but she didn't have a response for how to make sure the repercussions fall on him and not me.

The other day he wasn't answering his phones. His work cell was dead. His personal cell phone was not on him so it rang and rang. I was tempted to call his office phone but did not. Even if aftercare had been calling him, he wouldn't have answered and they would have called me. The worst is I worry when he does this! I worry that he had an accident and then feel guilty for feeling angry!

He's definitely not cheating. We don't need or want a second car. It would have taken me longer to drive to aftercare than to let the rage propel me there anyway.

If it matters, I earn significantly more money than he does, but we're far from rich. If I threw my hands in the air and divorced him, I'd be worried about his ability to afford an apartment.

I don't think salaries matter, though. The point is that he disappeared when he was supposed to be somewhere, and he's done it several times before, and I'm so tired of it.

[Anonymous]

OP one more time. I actually think fathers get more leeway when it comes to childcare duties. Employers think it's wholesome and cute when fathers show up to work with a kid or two. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The late fees are a money maker. They won’t kick you out. Just charge you $2-5 a minute late

I work in daycare and I guarantee you none of us want this extra two dollars. We want our time because we value our own time. We have a life after daycare some of us have our own children to go home to, pick up or take care of. Keep your two dollars.

I’m on the board of a day care and yes we will definitely kick out parents who are repeatedly late to pickup. Those fees don’t add a lot to our bottom line and our staff doesn’t need the hassle of waiting for irresponsible parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Wow, I never thought there would be so many responses.

The problem with letting the negative consequences play out is that they mostly negatively affect my child and me but not DH. His missed pick-ups, towed cars, time lapses, dead cell phones, failed classes, and lost wallets affect us all in some way. Our most recent therapist said the same thing, to let the consequences play out, but she didn't have a response for how to make sure the repercussions fall on him and not me.

The other day he wasn't answering his phones. His work cell was dead. His personal cell phone was not on him so it rang and rang. I was tempted to call his office phone but did not. Even if aftercare had been calling him, he wouldn't have answered and they would have called me. The worst is I worry when he does this! I worry that he had an accident and then feel guilty for feeling angry!

He's definitely not cheating. We don't need or want a second car. It would have taken me longer to drive to aftercare than to let the rage propel me there anyway.

If it matters, I earn significantly more money than he does, but we're far from rich. If I threw my hands in the air and divorced him, I'd be worried about his ability to afford an apartment.

I don't think salaries matter, though. The point is that he disappeared when he was supposed to be somewhere, and he's done it several times before, and I'm so tired of it.

oh man. I am so sorry. am glad you are in therapy and I hope your therapists sees how this experiment plays out and there ARE consequences.

I wouldn't care about his ability to afford an apartment. I'd be worried to the point of immuno-compromising myself that is he not keeping the kid safe, healthy or engaged, or on track with homework, schedule, appointments.

I hate reading about these types who never should have had kids. Highly genetic as well so you easily could get sandwiched and watch your time, energy, friends, career spiral downward carrying this big, big load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: … if your spouse forgot to pick up your child from aftercare?

In this instance, there were two google calendar notifications, a verbal reminder the night before, and multiple phone calls and texts (that went unanswered) in the 2 hours leading up to pick up time?

And would your anger scale response change if this is something that happened 3-4 times per year?

10 I would be livid at them. You did everything you could to remind them and they still forgot and didn’t follow though with your child. You need to have a serious chat with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Wow, I never thought there would be so many responses.

The problem with letting the negative consequences play out is that they mostly negatively affect my child and me but not DH. His missed pick-ups, towed cars, time lapses, dead cell phones, failed classes, and lost wallets affect us all in some way. Our most recent therapist said the same thing, to let the consequences play out, but she didn't have a response for how to make sure the repercussions fall on him and not me.

The other day he wasn't answering his phones. His work cell was dead. His personal cell phone was not on him so it rang and rang. I was tempted to call his office phone but did not. Even if aftercare had been calling him, he wouldn't have answered and they would have called me. The worst is I worry when he does this! I worry that he had an accident and then feel guilty for feeling angry!

He's definitely not cheating. We don't need or want a second car. It would have taken me longer to drive to aftercare than to let the rage propel me there anyway.

If it matters, I earn significantly more money than he does, but we're far from rich. If I threw my hands in the air and divorced him, I'd be worried about his ability to afford an apartment.

I don't think salaries matter, though. The point is that he disappeared when he was supposed to be somewhere, and he's done it several times before, and I'm so tired of it.

As to the bolded - him affording an apartment should be the least of your worries if you are actually at the point where you want to divorce.

And I'll echo another poster: put on your own oxygen mask first. Drop the things you can drop. Maybe the solution is that he has separate finances and he deals with all of the above scenarios and does his own clean up. Is he in therapy? Because he should be and he should be wanting to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Wow, I never thought there would be so many responses.

The problem with letting the negative consequences play out is that they mostly negatively affect my child and me but not DH. His missed pick-ups, towed cars, time lapses, dead cell phones, failed classes, and lost wallets affect us all in some way. Our most recent therapist said the same thing, to let the consequences play out, but she didn't have a response for how to make sure the repercussions fall on him and not me.

The other day he wasn't answering his phones. His work cell was dead. His personal cell phone was not on him so it rang and rang. I was tempted to call his office phone but did not. Even if aftercare had been calling him, he wouldn't have answered and they would have called me. The worst is I worry when he does this! I worry that he had an accident and then feel guilty for feeling angry!

He's definitely not cheating. We don't need or want a second car. It would have taken me longer to drive to aftercare than to let the rage propel me there anyway.

If it matters, I earn significantly more money than he does, but we're far from rich. If I threw my hands in the air and divorced him, I'd be worried about his ability to afford an apartment.

I don't think salaries matter, though. The point is that he disappeared when he was supposed to be somewhere, and he's done it several times before, and I'm so tired of it.

I'm a PP with a DH with ADHD. Gently, his inability to afford an apartment is not your problem and is likely unfounded. It may not be to the standard he has now or as close to his job as he is now, but there is a huge range of price points. You are not his keeper. You are supposed to be a partner and he isn't pulling his weight. Believe you me, this will kill your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Unf this all also means you will be paying HIM child support for his subpar caring and remembering during whatever custody time he fights for, up to 50%. Would be want 50%? Or does he admit he’s over his skis here. Or would he do it in order to get more child support from him.
I do not see how it is in the best interest of the child to shuttle back and forth between a functional and a dysfunctional parent. That sounds like hell on earth for all three of you.

[Anonymous]

* from you

It’s a pro Rata equation

[Anonymous]

If it was an "oops" and it happens, whatever.
But if it was a "it's not my job and it's my passive aggressive way of telling you I don't," that is a diff story