How to comfort friend after disappointing delivery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen, validate her feelings, offer encouragement and support. But mostly listen. Encourage her to speak with her doctor and get a referral for some postpartum mental health help. Stay on top of her husband to make sure he is supporting her the ways she needs it.

For a lot of us, disappointment over how a birth went seems so foreign. You are pregnant, you delivered a healthy baby, why are you mourning the experience when the end result is perfect? But for people with anxiety, depression, or who might be prone to postpartum mental health struggles, it’s their own personal tragedy. A lot of new moms and that position just need to vent or cry or complain or mourn. You just listening and asking if she wants advice will be a big help, I am sure. You are a good friend to want to approach her situation with care but not to take a backseat if you think she is not getting the help she needs.

Mom's health is part of the "end result". Stop telling women that only their baby's health matters. It's not true. Mom's mental and emotional and physical health is part of the end result of childbirth. I was told over and over again that my birth injuries were no big deal because my baby was healthy - but they WERE a big deal because I was in pain for 5.5 months (like, 24/7 excruciating pain that never went away and caused a ton of problems) and it affected my ability to parent my newborn. Mom's health, mental AND physical, need to be taken care of.

Yes ... that was what PP was saying... that some people don’t get it (likely because they were fortunate not to have PPD or PPA or PTSD) but that being a good friend is realizing when your friend IS struggling with her mental health and you do something to support her. Aside: i’m sorry you had such a difficult delivery. It sounds like you’re still dealing with a lot of the after affects and I wish you well!

[Anonymous]

There are some really awful replies on this thread. I was your friend, OP, except no doula. It’s very traumatic to be shaved and rushed into an operating room after 48 hours of no sleep and painful labor. In my case, I had a failed epidural earlier that day and was terrified I’d feel the pain since the surgery dose took a long time to kick in, and I spent a half hour strapped down on a table shivering and gagging on my own bile while the surgeons tried to un-stuck my baby. My husband thought I was going to die. I basically had to be sedated as soon as the baby was out. If a supposed friend told me I should forget what happened and just feel lucky since the baby was OK, I’d punch them in the face. No joke.

Eventually I made my peace with it, but it really took a completely calm and by the book planned c-section with the world’s best anesthesiologist to close the book on that chapter of my life.

You are a kind soul to try to find ways to support your friend, OP. Acknowledge that what she went through was hard and disappointing, that she did nothing wrong, that birth is dangerous and what she is feeling is valid. Lots of good advice upthread.

[Anonymous]

my friend was so traumatized by her unplanned and unwanted c- section she had a vbac at home with a midwife for baby # 2. We went for a power walk with her baby strapped to her every day that we could manage to work out her anger and frustration on what she considered a forced C. She was ignored when she told the hospital staff she needed more time to push her baby out.

She loved her 2nd birth. The baby was much larger, and she went to 42 weeks before the baby was ready to come. All respected by her midwife.

Mothers feelings matter as much as anything, people. A woman is not a baby-making machine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some really awful replies on this thread. I was your friend, OP, except no doula. It’s very traumatic to be shaved and rushed into an operating room after 48 hours of no sleep and painful labor. In my case, I had a failed epidural earlier that day and was terrified I’d feel the pain since the surgery dose took a long time to kick in, and I spent a half hour strapped down on a table shivering and gagging on my own bile while the surgeons tried to un-stuck my baby. My husband thought I was going to die. I basically had to be sedated as soon as the baby was out. If a supposed friend told me I should forget what happened and just feel lucky since the baby was OK, I’d punch them in the face. No joke.

Eventually I made my peace with it, but it really took a completely calm and by the book planned c-section with the world’s best anesthesiologist to close the book on that chapter of my life.

You are a kind soul to try to find ways to support your friend, OP. Acknowledge that what she went through was hard and disappointing, that she did nothing wrong, that birth is dangerous and what she is feeling is valid. Lots of good advice upthread.

What is traumatic about shaving an inch of pubes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who had a very tough labor and delivery - was in labor for almost 48 hours before an emergency c-section. She had done a lot of research and really wanted a vaginal birth - she hired a doula and wanted to keep going even when things weren't progressing (hence the 48 hours). Her husband is my friend too and told me she is really upset about how it ended up and he thinks may be causing (or at least contributing to) PPD, along with struggles breastfeeding. She is a pretty type A/anxious person and really wants to do things "right" (I'm putting it in quotes because I know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deliver).

I would like to reach out to her and be supportive. I don't want to minimize her experience but I also want her to know it isn't some big disaster that she had a c-section. As a mom of two kids I know that the birth experience seems all-important at the time, but it quickly loses relevance compared to first smiles, first steps, first days of school, etc.

Any suggestions for supportive things to say that aren't condescending or dismissive?

Please DO NOT say anything like this. A traumatic birth will always be relevant. It will fade over time, but it will always be there.

Please listen to her. If she wants to tell her birth story, listen. Acknowledge her feelings. She is probably feeling guilty about the birth AND feeling pressure to move on from her negative emotions. Listening will give her "permission" to have the emotions she has about her birth.

Other than listening, maybe encourage her to meet with a therapist. I wish someone noticed that I was not doing well and suggested this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who had a very tough labor and delivery - was in labor for almost 48 hours before an emergency c-section. She had done a lot of research and really wanted a vaginal birth - she hired a doula and wanted to keep going even when things weren't progressing (hence the 48 hours). Her husband is my friend too and told me she is really upset about how it ended up and he thinks may be causing (or at least contributing to) PPD, along with struggles breastfeeding. She is a pretty type A/anxious person and really wants to do things "right" (I'm putting it in quotes because I know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deliver).

I would like to reach out to her and be supportive. I don't want to minimize her experience but I also want her to know it isn't some big disaster that she had a c-section. As a mom of two kids I know that the birth experience seems all-important at the time, but it quickly loses relevance compared to first smiles, first steps, first days of school, etc.

Any suggestions for supportive things to say that aren't condescending or dismissive?

Please DO NOT say anything like this. A traumatic birth will always be relevant. It will fade over time, but it will always be there.

Please listen to her. If she wants to tell her birth story, listen. Acknowledge her feelings. She is probably feeling guilty about the birth AND feeling pressure to move on from her negative emotions. Listening will give her "permission" to have the emotions she has about her birth.

Other than listening, maybe encourage her to meet with a therapist. I wish someone noticed that I was not doing well and suggested this.

Jee let’s see, maybe it’s traumatizing because people make it seem like c-sections are so awful and always second-best - like you! They’re the 2nd most popular surgery in the country. Stop the dramatizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And how is the baby OP? Isn’t that the most important part of the story?

WTF. It is AN important part of the story, but *uck you for implying that people shouldn't have feelings about how their birth went as long as their baby is fine.

This is a really, really common way to try to convince women that the lowest possible bar for success is also the highest possible standard of excellence.

Standards of excellence? You think we should be giving women gold stars for their excellent child birthing sills or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who had a very tough labor and delivery - was in labor for almost 48 hours before an emergency c-section. She had done a lot of research and really wanted a vaginal birth - she hired a doula and wanted to keep going even when things weren't progressing (hence the 48 hours). Her husband is my friend too and told me she is really upset about how it ended up and he thinks may be causing (or at least contributing to) PPD, along with struggles breastfeeding. She is a pretty type A/anxious person and really wants to do things "right" (I'm putting it in quotes because I know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deliver).

I would like to reach out to her and be supportive. I don't want to minimize her experience but I also want her to know it isn't some big disaster that she had a c-section. As a mom of two kids I know that the birth experience seems all-important at the time, but it quickly loses relevance compared to first smiles, first steps, first days of school, etc.

Any suggestions for supportive things to say that aren't condescending or dismissive?

Oooof. I was like your friend. Honestly, no one understood the internal struggle I was having. I still feel shame about the struggle. I got over it ... and your friend will, too.

I think you can say, "Hey, I know the C-section was a big surprise ... I've read that it's common to struggle with the outcome ... let me know if you want to talk it out, or help you find someone to talk about it with." But I hope that with time, she will enjoy the baby more and more and will be able to move past the C-section.

[Anonymous]

I knew this thread would be rough. What I would like people to understand is that it was NOT my "own personal tragedy" or "the worst thing that had ever happened to me." I bounced back FAST, and the baby was healthy.

However ...

I was absolutely a Type A person who thought that if I took good care of myself when pregnant, I'd have an easy delivery and a perfect baby and would be an awesome mom. Now, I can see that every part of that was naive. But I really didn't understand at the time.

And my brain was telling me every day that a C-section was not a tragedy. But my brain chemistry was totally out of whack, and I could not control it.

I hope some of you have more compassion for the actual humans in your life than you are showing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew this thread would be rough. What I would like people to understand is that it was NOT my "own personal tragedy" or "the worst thing that had ever happened to me." I bounced back FAST, and the baby was healthy.

However ...

I was absolutely a Type A person who thought that if I took good care of myself when pregnant, I'd have an easy delivery and a perfect baby and would be an awesome mom. Now, I can see that every part of that was naive. But I really didn't understand at the time.

And my brain was telling me every day that a C-section was not a tragedy. But my brain chemistry was totally out of whack, and I could not control it.

I hope some of you have more compassion for the actual humans in your life than you are showing here.

Yep. Similar story here. I was super energetic hiking around in my third trimester and making home-cooked meals. Then I got pre-eclampsia seemingly out of the blue and had to be induced, with a 30-hour labor and over 4 hours of pushing. Pregnancy is a lesson in how little control we often have over things, and birth is an even bigger one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And how is the baby OP? Isn’t that the most important part of the story?

WTF. It is AN important part of the story, but *uck you for implying that people shouldn't have feelings about how their birth went as long as their baby is fine.

This is a really, really common way to try to convince women that the lowest possible bar for success is also the highest possible standard of excellence.

Standards of excellence? You think we should be giving women gold stars for their excellent child birthing sills or something?

No, I think we should stop giving doctors participation trophies for having living patients at the end of the procedure. There is no other medical procedure that a result of ”you’re not dead!” Is supposed to be good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And how is the baby OP? Isn’t that the most important part of the story?

WTF. It is AN important part of the story, but *uck you for implying that people shouldn't have feelings about how their birth went as long as their baby is fine.

This is a really, really common way to try to convince women that the lowest possible bar for success is also the highest possible standard of excellence.

Standards of excellence? You think we should be giving women gold stars for their excellent child birthing sills or something?

Amen

No, I think we should stop giving doctors participation trophies for having living patients at the end of the procedure. There is no other medical procedure that a result of ”you’re not dead!” Is supposed to be good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who had a very tough labor and delivery - was in labor for almost 48 hours before an emergency c-section. She had done a lot of research and really wanted a vaginal birth - she hired a doula and wanted to keep going even when things weren't progressing (hence the 48 hours). Her husband is my friend too and told me she is really upset about how it ended up and he thinks may be causing (or at least contributing to) PPD, along with struggles breastfeeding. She is a pretty type A/anxious person and really wants to do things "right" (I'm putting it in quotes because I know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deliver).

I would like to reach out to her and be supportive. I don't want to minimize her experience but I also want her to know it isn't some big disaster that she had a c-section. As a mom of two kids I know that the birth experience seems all-important at the time, but it quickly loses relevance compared to first smiles, first steps, first days of school, etc.

Any suggestions for supportive things to say that aren't condescending or dismissive?

Good lord. I think you can be sympathetic, but at some point a kind but firm dose of reality would aid her greatly. In other words, "the birth experience seems all-important at the time, but it quickly loses relevance compared to first smiles, first steps, first days of school" . . . and a healthy baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And how is the baby OP? Isn’t that the most important part of the story?

WTF. It is AN important part of the story, but *uck you for implying that people shouldn't have feelings about how their birth went as long as their baby is fine.

This is a really, really common way to try to convince women that the lowest possible bar for success is also the highest possible standard of excellence.

Standards of excellence? You think we should be giving women gold stars for their excellent child birthing sills or something?

No, I think we should stop giving doctors participation trophies for having living patients at the end of the procedure. There is no other medical procedure that a result of ”you’re not dead!” Is supposed to be good enough.

It's a very strange take to make veiled suggestions that the doctors were somehow in the wrong here. It doesn't sound like there was anything medically wrong with the birth. There's no suggestion in the OP or any follow-up that the doctors did anything other than excellent work. But your post suggests that, if the mother is unhappy with the way the birth experience turned out, it is the doctor's fault? Is there any other medical procedure where the physicians are held responsible for the feelings of the patient after a successful procedure?

Mother is healthy, baby is healthy. No complications are reported by OP, and no negligence by the medical staff. If that's not good enough for you, what would be, and how would you propose that teh doctors achieve it? Should they have let the mother stay in labor for longer than 48 hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And how is the baby OP? Isn’t that the most important part of the story?

WTF. It is AN important part of the story, but *uck you for implying that people shouldn't have feelings about how their birth went as long as their baby is fine.

This is a really, really common way to try to convince women that the lowest possible bar for success is also the highest possible standard of excellence.

Standards of excellence? You think we should be giving women gold stars for their excellent child birthing sills or something?

No, I think we should stop giving doctors participation trophies for having living patients at the end of the procedure. There is no other medical procedure that a result of ”you’re not dead!” Is supposed to be good enough.

It's a very strange take to make veiled suggestions that the doctors were somehow in the wrong here. It doesn't sound like there was anything medically wrong with the birth. There's no suggestion in the OP or any follow-up that the doctors did anything other than excellent work. But your post suggests that, if the mother is unhappy with the way the birth experience turned out, it is the doctor's fault? Is there any other medical procedure where the physicians are held responsible for the feelings of the patient after a successful procedure?

Mother is healthy, baby is healthy. No complications are reported by OP, and no negligence by the medical staff. If that's not good enough for you, what would be, and how would you propose that teh doctors achieve it? Should they have let the mother stay in labor for longer than 48 hours?

+1. I honestly do not understand this thread AT ALL. Who are these people who feel "traumatized" by birth? Did their doctors not explain about escalating interventions, possibly culminating in an emergency C-section? Were their babies cut out without anaesthesia? I can understand PTSD from war, witnessing a murder, abuse, childhood trauma, but from a hospital birth in which both mother and child emerge without lasting health issues?

What on Earth do these pregnant women expect? That they can do yoga and bring special music and somehow their birth is guaranteed to follow a predictable and complication-free course? It's not a spa experience!

- veteran of one emergency C-sect and 2 planned C-sects.