How to comfort friend after disappointing delivery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who had a very tough labor and delivery - was in labor for almost 48 hours before an emergency c-section. She had done a lot of research and really wanted a vaginal birth - she hired a doula and wanted to keep going even when things weren't progressing (hence the 48 hours). Her husband is my friend too and told me she is really upset about how it ended up and he thinks may be causing (or at least contributing to) PPD, along with struggles breastfeeding. She is a pretty type A/anxious person and really wants to do things "right" (I'm putting it in quotes because I know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deliver).

I would like to reach out to her and be supportive. I don't want to minimize her experience but I also want her to know it isn't some big disaster that she had a c-section. As a mom of two kids I know that the birth experience seems all-important at the time, but it quickly loses relevance compared to first smiles, first steps, first days of school, etc.

Any suggestions for supportive things to say that aren't condescending or dismissive?

Which do you want more? Your statements are in conflict.

OP here. I meant that I know it is a huge deal to her right now and I want to validate her feelings. But I would also like to help her get to a place where it doesn't feel like as big of a deal. However, PPs helped me see that it is probably more helpful to focus on the former.

[Anonymous]

One of the greatest lessons of parenthood is that we cannot control everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of the million things for people to be upset about during/after pregnancy and childbirth, this wouldn’t register on the top 1000. It’s called perspective. She must live a charmed life, and just got knocked down a few pegs. Worse things in life are coming than delivering a healthy baby by c-section.

Nope nope nope. I had no expectation about how labor would go and still ended up with postpartum ptsd following a similar experience of a 48 hour failed induction and emergency csection, plus a difficult recovery. Just because your birth experience wasn’t traumatic doesn’t mean nobody else’s can be. My child was also an IVF baby after years of infertility and even the joy and relief of having a healthy child after all of that doesn’t negate my own trauma from the birth. This line of thinking ~ just get over it and be grateful ~ is why so many women don’t acknowledge and process their experiences and end up suffering way longer from ppd, ppa, and other perinatal mood disorders without seeking help.

OP, lots of actually helpful advice above. Validate her experience, gently encourage her to seek professional help or a community of others in similar situations (even in my new moms group, 2 of the other 9 women had complicated birth experiences, so she probably won’t have to look far), etc.

nope, didn’t say anything about postpartum. Get help if you need it. My point is that if you’re developing postpartum solely because of something as unserious as this, you probably needed to be in therapy long ago.

Literally only women, specifically mothers, are told to brush off major surgery. The worst sexism comes from other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friend sounds pretty self centered. The baby is healthy and instead of being happy. She is pissed it didn’t happen the exact same way she wanted.

NP. You are an idiot with no understanding of PPD.

OP you've gotten some good advice here - ask her about her experience and be supportive and mirroring; don't be dismissive or "chin up" about it. Then talk about the baby and gush. Tell her DH to bring up her PPD with the doctor (pediatrician or OB, doesn't matter) so that she can get a referral. This will pass but it sucks when she's going through it. You're a good friend.

Well with the attitude the mom has....she set herself up for PPD.

Desperate for attention again, I see.

Pound sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a traumatic first birth and ended up with PTSD. I reached out for help on these boards right away because I knew something wasn’t right and was slammed, shamed, and made to feel like a selfish prima Donna. It made me feel crazy and horrible. It took me a full year to get help and by then I was suicidal. I was diagnosed with PTSD immediately by the psychiatrist. People here have no idea how much they can hurt someone through the cloak of the internet.

I have learned on this board alot of people have unresolved issues with C section, birth trauma and infertility and lash out at others who are trying to get help for the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty poor coping skills. People expect every thing in life to be perfect. It's not, move on. I wouldn't indulge my friend in this craziness.

She has a healthy baby not a still birth.

I wouldn't have the patience, OP.

I was born via C-section and had 2 myself.

If this was more about being traumatized by the "emergency" part and what led up to it, that would be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar spot and I can tell you what NOT to say:

"At least you and baby are healthy, that is all that matters!"

"I know how miserable you feel not getting your ideal birth plan." --> you don't know her misery, it is hers.

The worst thing people can say is anything about their own pregnancy or "I know how you feel".

I would keep it vague and just listen.
"I'm sorry about your birth plan. How are you feeling?"
"I'm sorry you had a traumatic birth (or however she describes it, repeat words)."

This. She is a poor candidate for a VBAC because of the reason for the C. She may never get to have a vaginal birth. OP you don't have a time machine and you can't say for sure she won't have problems because of her C.

This. I know several older mothers who experienced fertility issues related to their c-sections (two due to infection following surgery, one due to scarring) they all went on to have additional children but if any of them had not been able to eventually conceive I would have felt like a real jerk if I had said “oh this is no big deal”. Not relevant if you know she’s one and done but if she wants more children be very careful about what you say now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And how is the baby OP? Isn’t that the most important part of the story?

WTF. It is AN important part of the story, but *uck you for implying that people shouldn't have feelings about how their birth went as long as their baby is fine.

This is a really, really common way to try to convince women that the lowest possible bar for success is also the highest possible standard of excellence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And how is the baby OP? Isn’t that the most important part of the story?

Plus 1 million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of the million things for people to be upset about during/after pregnancy and childbirth, this wouldn’t register on the top 1000. It’s called perspective. She must live a charmed life, and just got knocked down a few pegs. Worse things in life are coming than delivering a healthy baby by c-section.

Nope nope nope. I had no expectation about how labor would go and still ended up with postpartum ptsd following a similar experience of a 48 hour failed induction and emergency csection, plus a difficult recovery. Just because your birth experience wasn’t traumatic doesn’t mean nobody else’s can be. My child was also an IVF baby after years of infertility and even the joy and relief of having a healthy child after all of that doesn’t negate my own trauma from the birth. This line of thinking ~ just get over it and be grateful ~ is why so many women don’t acknowledge and process their experiences and end up suffering way longer from ppd, ppa, and other perinatal mood disorders without seeking help.

OP, lots of actually helpful advice above. Validate her experience, gently encourage her to seek professional help or a community of others in similar situations (even in my new moms group, 2 of the other 9 women had complicated birth experiences, so she probably won’t have to look far), etc.

nope, didn’t say anything about postpartum. Get help if you need it. My point is that if you’re developing postpartum solely because of something as unserious as this, you probably needed to be in therapy long ago.

Literally only women, specifically mothers, are told to brush off major surgery. The worst sexism comes from other women.

Aha. This is why you’re depressed. Every single semi-not-ideal situation you’re in is happening *to* you because the whole world is sexist. You’re exhausting.

-an emergency c-section mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of the million things for people to be upset about during/after pregnancy and childbirth, this wouldn’t register on the top 1000. It’s called perspective. She must live a charmed life, and just got knocked down a few pegs. Worse things in life are coming than delivering a healthy baby by c-section.

Nope nope nope. I had no expectation about how labor would go and still ended up with postpartum ptsd following a similar experience of a 48 hour failed induction and emergency csection, plus a difficult recovery. Just because your birth experience wasn’t traumatic doesn’t mean nobody else’s can be. My child was also an IVF baby after years of infertility and even the joy and relief of having a healthy child after all of that doesn’t negate my own trauma from the birth. This line of thinking ~ just get over it and be grateful ~ is why so many women don’t acknowledge and process their experiences and end up suffering way longer from ppd, ppa, and other perinatal mood disorders without seeking help.

OP, lots of actually helpful advice above. Validate her experience, gently encourage her to seek professional help or a community of others in similar situations (even in my new moms group, 2 of the other 9 women had complicated birth experiences, so she probably won’t have to look far), etc.

nope, didn’t say anything about postpartum. Get help if you need it. My point is that if you’re developing postpartum solely because of something as unserious as this, you probably needed to be in therapy long ago.

Literally only women, specifically mothers, are told to brush off major surgery. The worst sexism comes from other women.

Aha. This is why you’re depressed. Every single semi-not-ideal situation you’re in is happening *to* you because the whole world is sexist. You’re exhausting.

-an emergency c-section mother

Textbook example of projection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar spot and I can tell you what NOT to say:

"At least you and baby are healthy, that is all that matters!"

"I know how miserable you feel not getting your ideal birth plan." --> you don't know her misery, it is hers.

The worst thing people can say is anything about their own pregnancy or "I know how you feel".

I would keep it vague and just listen.
"I'm sorry about your birth plan. How are you feeling?"
"I'm sorry you had a traumatic birth (or however she describes it, repeat words)."

This. She is a poor candidate for a VBAC because of the reason for the C. She may never get to have a vaginal birth. OP you don't have a time machine and you can't say for sure she won't have problems because of her C.

This. I know several older mothers who experienced fertility issues related to their c-sections (two due to infection following surgery, one due to scarring) they all went on to have additional children but if any of them had not been able to eventually conceive I would have felt like a real jerk if I had said “oh this is no big deal”. Not relevant if you know she’s one and done but if she wants more children be very careful about what you say now.

I have a neighbor who has a PGS normal embryo she probably won't transfer because she had surgical infection from her C section. Know somebody else on a different forum who has secondary infertility from her C section. I myself had an ultrasound scare from my C section (appearing then disappearing defect) that still has me wondering if my uterus is going to rupture if I attempt a VBAC.

My husband was hospitalized for 5 days for pancreatitis/gallbladder and he never got any LOL AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT DEAD comments. Nor did he get handed a baby in the hospital to take care of while recovering from his gallbladder removal (like I did after my C section).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks, all. My instinct is always to try to share my experience and give advice based on what worked for me, but this was a good reminder to listen first.

Yes, please fight that instinct tooth and nail. When you do, you’re making it all about you. It’s not helpful at all. If she asks you what to do, then sure, offer it. But you can’t offer it if she’s not asking. She will know you care because of the way you listen to her, the way you paraphrase her and the way you sit in the discomfort of it all with her.

Omg so true.

I had a traumatic first birthday-severe pre-e at 35 weeks, induction, foley bulb, magnesium drip, two failed epidurals, 72 hours of labor and then a forceps delivery without any pain meds after pushing for 6 hours. Then baby was in NICU for a week, and breastfeeding never worked out.

What I wanted more than anything at the time was for someone to just really listen to the whole story and process it with me and ask questions. Like I wanted someone to sit down with me and give me their undivided attention for a full hour and just draw me out and let me talk about it, beaming back comments like “that doctor sucked!” Or “OMG!! What?!”

And nobody could do that for me for some reason. I tried to do it with my DH, but it was all traumatic for him and he couldn’t go there with me. I tried to do it with a friend and she kept interrupting to talk about how different her births were from mine. I tried to talk about it with my therapist and even she was kind of rushing to the conclusion/lesson part of it all. This was in the days after the birth. I never got to tell my story and that’s what I most needed. I feel like if I had gotten that, I could have moved on so much faster. But all my friends kept making it about their story and their experiences and making comparisons and it all left me feeling so dismissed and judged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks, all. My instinct is always to try to share my experience and give advice based on what worked for me, but this was a good reminder to listen first.

Yes, please fight that instinct tooth and nail. When you do, you’re making it all about you. It’s not helpful at all. If she asks you what to do, then sure, offer it. But you can’t offer it if she’s not asking. She will know you care because of the way you listen to her, the way you paraphrase her and the way you sit in the discomfort of it all with her.

Omg so true.

I had a traumatic first birthday-severe pre-e at 35 weeks, induction, foley bulb, magnesium drip, two failed epidurals, 72 hours of labor and then a forceps delivery without any pain meds after pushing for 6 hours. Then baby was in NICU for a week, and breastfeeding never worked out.

What I wanted more than anything at the time was for someone to just really listen to the whole story and process it with me and ask questions. Like I wanted someone to sit down with me and give me their undivided attention for a full hour and just draw me out and let me talk about it, beaming back comments like “that doctor sucked!” Or “OMG!! What?!”

And nobody could do that for me for some reason. I tried to do it with my DH, but it was all traumatic for him and he couldn’t go there with me. I tried to do it with a friend and she kept interrupting to talk about how different her births were from mine. I tried to talk about it with my therapist and even she was kind of rushing to the conclusion/lesson part of it all. This was in the days after the birth. I never got to tell my story and that’s what I most needed. I feel like if I had gotten that, I could have moved on so much faster. But all my friends kept making it about their story and their experiences and making comparisons and it all left me feeling so dismissed and judged.

There is something about childbirth that shuts people off. Maybe it is being reminded of their own mortality. I'm sorry your therapist failed you. I will never judge people for having a doula. Sometimes you just need someone to be nice to you in your low moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a traumatic first birth and ended up with PTSD. I reached out for help on these boards right away because I knew something wasn’t right and was slammed, shamed, and made to feel like a selfish prima Donna. It made me feel crazy and horrible. It took me a full year to get help and by then I was suicidal. I was diagnosed with PTSD immediately by the psychiatrist. People here have no idea how much they can hurt someone through the cloak of the internet.

That’s why you talk to friends, family or a therapist. Not strangers on the internet.