How to comfort friend after disappointing delivery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks, all. My instinct is always to try to share my experience and give advice based on what worked for me, but this was a good reminder to listen first.

Yes, please fight that instinct tooth and nail. When you do, you’re making it all about you. It’s not helpful at all. If she asks you what to do, then sure, offer it. But you can’t offer it if she’s not asking. She will know you care because of the way you listen to her, the way you paraphrase her and the way you sit in the discomfort of it all with her.

Omg so true.

I had a traumatic first birthday-severe pre-e at 35 weeks, induction, foley bulb, magnesium drip, two failed epidurals, 72 hours of labor and then a forceps delivery without any pain meds after pushing for 6 hours. Then baby was in NICU for a week, and breastfeeding never worked out.

What I wanted more than anything at the time was for someone to just really listen to the whole story and process it with me and ask questions. Like I wanted someone to sit down with me and give me their undivided attention for a full hour and just draw me out and let me talk about it, beaming back comments like “that doctor sucked!” Or “OMG!! What?!”

And nobody could do that for me for some reason. I tried to do it with my DH, but it was all traumatic for him and he couldn’t go there with me. I tried to do it with a friend and she kept interrupting to talk about how different her births were from mine. I tried to talk about it with my therapist and even she was kind of rushing to the conclusion/lesson part of it all. This was in the days after the birth. I never got to tell my story and that’s what I most needed. I feel like if I had gotten that, I could have moved on so much faster. But all my friends kept making it about their story and their experiences and making comparisons and it all left me feeling so dismissed and judged.

I wrote down my very similar story while recovering in the hospital and printed it in the babybook - l just wanted a play by play of what happened to be there. I was furious that my husband seemed (to me) to care only about baby…now what you said makes me realize maybe he was also upset and in avoidance mode. Also, l wonder how they expect people to push hard under magnesium drip, given that magnesium is there to reduce the force of your nerve connections and avoid seizures…. I could barely lift an arm under magnesium 🤷‍♀️…l ended up with C-section after hours of trying.

[Anonymous]

Listen, validate her feelings, offer encouragement and support. But mostly listen. Encourage her to speak with her doctor and get a referral for some postpartum mental health help. Stay on top of her husband to make sure he is supporting her the ways she needs it.

For a lot of us, disappointment over how a birth went seems so foreign. You are pregnant, you delivered a healthy baby, why are you mourning the experience when the end result is perfect? But for people with anxiety, depression, or who might be prone to postpartum mental health struggles, it’s their own personal tragedy. A lot of new moms and that position just need to vent or cry or complain or mourn. You just listening and asking if she wants advice will be a big help, I am sure. You are a good friend to want to approach her situation with care but not to take a backseat if you think she is not getting the help she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a traumatic first birth and ended up with PTSD. I reached out for help on these boards right away because I knew something wasn’t right and was slammed, shamed, and made to feel like a selfish prima Donna. It made me feel crazy and horrible. It took me a full year to get help and by then I was suicidal. I was diagnosed with PTSD immediately by the psychiatrist. People here have no idea how much they can hurt someone through the cloak of the internet.

That’s why you talk to friends, family or a therapist. Not strangers on the internet.

NP — I mean, true, but why do strangers on the internet have to be total aholes to each other? I find it hard to believe that most of the insensitive, mean, unnecessary comments here are made by people who would say these things to anyones face in real life (not just this thread, but generally). It’s always disappointing to see the vast majority of online spaces are dominated by people with nothing better to do than behave like this. Once in a blue moon when you find a community that isn’t like that, it can add so much value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, validate her feelings, offer encouragement and support. But mostly listen. Encourage her to speak with her doctor and get a referral for some postpartum mental health help. Stay on top of her husband to make sure he is supporting her the ways she needs it.

For a lot of us, disappointment over how a birth went seems so foreign. You are pregnant, you delivered a healthy baby, why are you mourning the experience when the end result is perfect? But for people with anxiety, depression, or who might be prone to postpartum mental health struggles, it’s their own personal tragedy. A lot of new moms and that position just need to vent or cry or complain or mourn. You just listening and asking if she wants advice will be a big help, I am sure. You are a good friend to want to approach her situation with care but not to take a backseat if you think she is not getting the help she needs.

Mom's health is part of the "end result". Stop telling women that only their baby's health matters. It's not true. Mom's mental and emotional and physical health is part of the end result of childbirth. I was told over and over again that my birth injuries were no big deal because my baby was healthy - but they WERE a big deal because I was in pain for 5.5 months (like, 24/7 excruciating pain that never went away and caused a ton of problems) and it affected my ability to parent my newborn. Mom's health, mental AND physical, need to be taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the greatest lessons of parenthood is that we cannot control everything.

+1000, but leave that lesson for later.

[Anonymous]

OP I think your friend has PPD. Support but carefully. Everything you say to a depressed person will sound negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a traumatic first birth and ended up with PTSD. I reached out for help on these boards right away because I knew something wasn’t right and was slammed, shamed, and made to feel like a selfish prima Donna. It made me feel crazy and horrible. It took me a full year to get help and by then I was suicidal. I was diagnosed with PTSD immediately by the psychiatrist. People here have no idea how much they can hurt someone through the cloak of the internet.

That’s why you talk to friends, family or a therapist. Not strangers on the internet.

Wow, aren’t you unkind. I’m the PP and I reached out because I needed help and my husband was worthless (totally traumatized by the birth and trying to move on) and my family didn’t understand what I had gone through and thought we should just be grateful for a happy baby. They could not relate. And I had never heart of postpartum PTSD and needed help understanding that I didn’t have PPD and help understanding that I had undergone trauma and needed a therapist with that expertise. People reach out for help when then are able to and how they are able to. Don’t assume everyone has a built in support network or defend indefensible behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty poor coping skills. People expect every thing in life to be perfect. It's not, move on. I wouldn't indulge my friend in this craziness.

She has a healthy baby not a still birth.

You concede your friend has poor coping skills and your response to her in that fragile post-partum situation would be to treat her like crap? Nice friend you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, validate her feelings, offer encouragement and support. But mostly listen. Encourage her to speak with her doctor and get a referral for some postpartum mental health help. Stay on top of her husband to make sure he is supporting her the ways she needs it.

For a lot of us, disappointment over how a birth went seems so foreign. You are pregnant, you delivered a healthy baby, why are you mourning the experience when the end result is perfect? But for people with anxiety, depression, or who might be prone to postpartum mental health struggles, it’s their own personal tragedy. A lot of new moms and that position just need to vent or cry or complain or mourn. You just listening and asking if she wants advice will be a big help, I am sure. You are a good friend to want to approach her situation with care but not to take a backseat if you think she is not getting the help she needs.

Yes, mourning is the key word -- you go into birth with a vision of how things will be or how you hope it will be; you can't help it, it is normal. Then when that is not what happens, you do need to mourn the birth you didn't have, even while you celebrate the child you do have. People mourn differently; some may say, "oh well, that's life," while others will dwell on "what could I have done differently" or just feel sad that things didn't go as planned, or feel traumatized that instead of enjoying a lovely birthing moment they expected, they were thrown into chaos, stress, and literal life and death danger, etc. To deny that that experience can be traumatizing to any given person is very short-sighted, and to gas-light a woman in this situation is very dangerous.

OP, you can support your friend through the mourning process and actually look for the five stages of grief -- you may see them all. Keep in mind that the mourning is not about the baby, but about the trauma mom went through.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the helpful posters about listening, validating, etc.

Also agree that the posters being like "she has a healthy baby what's her problem?" are absolutely the worst jerks and probably have no real friends. Jesus, is this how you reacted in your 20s when your friends had tough breakups? When they got laid off? When they were arguing with their parents? "Well, you're alive and healthy so shut up?" Sheesh. Sometimes things are hard for people emotionally. Are you a pod person that you don't understand that?? Or some kind of robot? Ugh.

One thing I will add that I haven't seen mentioned - being a FTM is such a time of uncertainty, and especially given what you said about her wanting to do things "right" - I can be similar and I think one thing that can really help is to compliment her mothering. My mom (not always the most emotionally supportive person) did this a lot when I had my first, years ago, and I still remember it. Everyone comes over and coos over the baby "He's so cute!" "What a beautiful baby!" etc, but to repeatedly hear "Oh, you're such a wonderful mom" was really, really nice, especially when it was in response to things that were happening (even mundane things!).

Me: Oh, I hear the baby, let me go get him.
Mom: Oh, you're such a wonderful mom.

Me: Larlo got up every hour last night, I'm so tired.
Mom: You're such a great mom.

Me: Look, I reorganized the nursery so pajamas are in the top drawer now.
Mom: Larlo is so lucky, you're such a wonderful mom.

Sounds silly saying it now, but EVERYONE including new moms themselves take this all for granted, and to hear that my efforts were valuable was just really, really validating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the helpful posters about listening, validating, etc.

Also agree that the posters being like "she has a healthy baby what's her problem?" are absolutely the worst jerks and probably have no real friends. Jesus, is this how you reacted in your 20s when your friends had tough breakups? When they got laid off? When they were arguing with their parents? "Well, you're alive and healthy so shut up?" Sheesh. Sometimes things are hard for people emotionally. Are you a pod person that you don't understand that?? Or some kind of robot? Ugh.

One thing I will add that I haven't seen mentioned - being a FTM is such a time of uncertainty, and especially given what you said about her wanting to do things "right" - I can be similar and I think one thing that can really help is to compliment her mothering. My mom (not always the most emotionally supportive person) did this a lot when I had my first, years ago, and I still remember it. Everyone comes over and coos over the baby "He's so cute!" "What a beautiful baby!" etc, but to repeatedly hear "Oh, you're such a wonderful mom" was really, really nice, especially when it was in response to things that were happening (even mundane things!).

Me: Oh, I hear the baby, let me go get him.
Mom: Oh, you're such a wonderful mom.

Me: Larlo got up every hour last night, I'm so tired.
Mom: You're such a great mom.

Me: Look, I reorganized the nursery so pajamas are in the top drawer now.
Mom: Larlo is so lucky, you're such a wonderful mom.

Sounds silly saying it now, but EVERYONE including new moms themselves take this all for granted, and to hear that my efforts were valuable was just really, really validating.

This is really terrific advice. I didn't know how badly I needed to hear someone say I was doing a good job until my mom said it when I was in the weeds with a newborn and I just burst into tears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the helpful posters about listening, validating, etc.

Also agree that the posters being like "she has a healthy baby what's her problem?" are absolutely the worst jerks and probably have no real friends. Jesus, is this how you reacted in your 20s when your friends had tough breakups? When they got laid off? When they were arguing with their parents? "Well, you're alive and healthy so shut up?" Sheesh. Sometimes things are hard for people emotionally. Are you a pod person that you don't understand that?? Or some kind of robot? Ugh.

One thing I will add that I haven't seen mentioned - being a FTM is such a time of uncertainty, and especially given what you said about her wanting to do things "right" - I can be similar and I think one thing that can really help is to compliment her mothering. My mom (not always the most emotionally supportive person) did this a lot when I had my first, years ago, and I still remember it. Everyone comes over and coos over the baby "He's so cute!" "What a beautiful baby!" etc, but to repeatedly hear "Oh, you're such a wonderful mom" was really, really nice, especially when it was in response to things that were happening (even mundane things!).

Me: Oh, I hear the baby, let me go get him.
Mom: Oh, you're such a wonderful mom.

Me: Larlo got up every hour last night, I'm so tired.
Mom: You're such a great mom.

Me: Look, I reorganized the nursery so pajamas are in the top drawer now.
Mom: Larlo is so lucky, you're such a wonderful mom.

Sounds silly saying it now, but EVERYONE including new moms themselves take this all for granted, and to hear that my efforts were valuable was just really, really validating.

Gosh yes this is so true. My mother just said that to me yesterday after I thought I had been so stressed and impatient all day and it was just such a huge help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of the million things for people to be upset about during/after pregnancy and childbirth, this wouldn’t register on the top 1000. It’s called perspective. She must live a charmed life, and just got knocked down a few pegs. Worse things in life are coming than delivering a healthy baby by c-section.

Nope nope nope. I had no expectation about how labor would go and still ended up with postpartum ptsd following a similar experience of a 48 hour failed induction and emergency csection, plus a difficult recovery. Just because your birth experience wasn’t traumatic doesn’t mean nobody else’s can be. My child was also an IVF baby after years of infertility and even the joy and relief of having a healthy child after all of that doesn’t negate my own trauma from the birth. This line of thinking ~ just get over it and be grateful ~ is why so many women don’t acknowledge and process their experiences and end up suffering way longer from ppd, ppa, and other perinatal mood disorders without seeking help.

OP, lots of actually helpful advice above. Validate her experience, gently encourage her to seek professional help or a community of others in similar situations (even in my new moms group, 2 of the other 9 women had complicated birth experiences, so she probably won’t have to look far), etc.

nope, didn’t say anything about postpartum. Get help if you need it. My point is that if you’re developing postpartum solely because of something as unserious as this, you probably needed to be in therapy long ago.

Literally only women, specifically mothers, are told to brush off major surgery. The worst sexism comes from other women.

Right? You go in expecting a particular medical event that many people can walk home from, and wind up in a much more dangerous and serious medical situation resulting in major abdominal surgery with a longer than expected recovery time, then people tell you you don't get to feel awful about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friend sounds pretty self centered. The baby is healthy and instead of being happy. She is pissed it didn’t happen the exact same way she wanted.

She just had major abdominal surgery. How self-centered to acknowledge her own pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a traumatic first birth and ended up with PTSD. I reached out for help on these boards right away because I knew something wasn’t right and was slammed, shamed, and made to feel like a selfish prima Donna. It made me feel crazy and horrible. It took me a full year to get help and by then I was suicidal. I was diagnosed with PTSD immediately by the psychiatrist. People here have no idea how much they can hurt someone through the cloak of the internet.

That’s why you talk to friends, family or a therapist. Not strangers on the internet.

Wow, aren’t you unkind. I’m the PP and I reached out because I needed help and my husband was worthless (totally traumatized by the birth and trying to move on) and my family didn’t understand what I had gone through and thought we should just be grateful for a happy baby. They could not relate. And I had never heart of postpartum PTSD and needed help understanding that I didn’t have PPD and help understanding that I had undergone trauma and needed a therapist with that expertise. People reach out for help when then are able to and how they are able to. Don’t assume everyone has a built in support network or defend indefensible behavior.

+1,000,000

Also not for nothing, other PP, but OP is literally describing a situation in which a mom IS reaching out to friends and husband and the responses are essentially that she has poor coping skills and is responsible for her own depression and should get over it because she has a healthy baby and trays all that matters. That is the advice being given to one of the friends you think this new mom should reach out to.

PP directly above me, I am so sorry. I have had a lot of times when I really wanted to post here for the 30% of posts that would be supportive and did not because if a person is already struggling, knowingly exposing themselves to the 70% of responses that are pretty guaranteed to be rude, cruel, or tone deaf.