How to comfort friend after disappointing delivery?
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Anonymous
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I have a friend who had a very tough labor and delivery - was in labor for almost 48 hours before an emergency c-section. She had done a lot of research and really wanted a vaginal birth - she hired a doula and wanted to keep going even when things weren't progressing (hence the 48 hours). Her husband is my friend too and told me she is really upset about how it ended up and he thinks may be causing (or at least contributing to) PPD, along with struggles breastfeeding. She is a pretty type A/anxious person and really wants to do things "right" (I'm putting it in quotes because I know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deliver).
I would like to reach out to her and be supportive. I don't want to minimize her experience but I also want her to know it isn't some big disaster that she had a c-section. As a mom of two kids I know that the birth experience seems all-important at the time, but it quickly loses relevance compared to first smiles, first steps, first days of school, etc. Any suggestions for supportive things to say that aren't condescending or dismissive? |
Anonymous
| Just listen to her. Validate her disappointment. And then ask about the baby and what they are like. Ooo and ahh over how cute and cuddle the baby is. Bring her some dinner and do a load of laundry. Just be a good friend and let her process her experience. If in a few months, she still seems to be struggling with it, suggest she talk to her doctor. |
Anonymous
| And how is the baby OP? Isn’t that the most important part of the story? |
Anonymous
| Agree just to listen, not to try to convince her she shouldn’t be disappointed. “I’m sorry it was so hard and didn’t go the way you hoped. I’m glad you and the baby are both OK. Can I bring dinner on Wednesday?” |
Anonymous
| Also, if husband is concerned about PPD, encourage them to get a doctor involved. |
Anonymous
| Fellow mom who’s birth didn’t go as planned. I would really just listen if she wants to talk, otherwise don’t say anything including “well the most important thing is that everyone is healthy and safe”. She knows this but she still feels the way she does. It will only make her feel worse for the way she feels. The birth disappointment will disappear with time. |
Anonymous
| Yes, just listen and reflect what you are hearing. |
Anonymous
Thanks. I should have mentioned that they are on the west coast, so I can't go visit/bring food, which I definitely would do if they were local. |
Anonymous
OP here. Baby is totally fine/healthy, my concern is my friend and her mental health. |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
| I had a similar experience to OP’s friend and did develop PPA/PPD as a result. The DC/NoVa ICAN chapter (International Cesarean Awareness Network) was a huge help to me, and they have chapters all over. Just try to check in regularly, make sure you’re asking about her as much as you are the baby. You’re right, all of what she’s feeling now will likely fade as she experiences the many joys of seeing her child grow. It’s just so hard to see that down the pipeline as a brand new mom. It sounds like you’re being a good friend! |
Anonymous
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I was in a similar spot and I can tell you what NOT to say:
"At least you and baby are healthy, that is all that matters!" "I know how miserable you feel not getting your ideal birth plan." --> you don't know her misery, it is hers. The worst thing people can say is anything about their own pregnancy or "I know how you feel". I would keep it vague and just listen. "I'm sorry about your birth plan. How are you feeling?" "I'm sorry you had a traumatic birth (or however she describes it, repeat words)." |
Anonymous
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She was the victim of misinformation from natural birth advocates, and as part of the evil that is that misinformation, she is now blaming herself. You need to handle it carefully, with compassion. ICAN is a good resource. I would also just listen, and perhaps point out when the time is right that there is a deeply misogynist bent to much of the natural birth rhetoric. Encourage her to talk to her docs.
I had a friend that went through this, and what really helped was her realization that she had been the victim of pernicious misogyny. She was able to reframe her experience and stopped blaming herself. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn’t use ICAN. It puts a lot of emphasis on having a healing VBAC and the evils of C sections. She needs to realize she was duped going in by the cult of natural birth - plenty of us are - and most births are just awful experiences regardless of life that end up with a wonderful baby for the horror at the end. Sounds like it could be postpartum PTSD - she has a lot of risk factors for that based on personality and what you describe the birth as being. Don’t assume it’s always PPD - it could easily also be PTSD. Get her a referral to a perinatal
Psychiatrist or therapist. And have her join a birth trauma support group online or get connected with Postpartum Support International. Also share this with her and have her read the comments. Plenty of people get let down and depressed when we are promised a perfect birth if we do the right things and it sets you up for a Very had postpartum and start to motherhood. https://www.wnyc.org/story/podcast-28-the-missing-chapter-to-ina-mays-guide/ |
Anonymous
| Type not life |