How to comfort friend after disappointing delivery?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
No. How the baby is doing is NOT the most important part of the story. OPs friend can be grateful for a healthy baby and still upset by her birth experience. Stop minimizing mothers experiences. |
Anonymous
| Of the million things for people to be upset about during/after pregnancy and childbirth, this wouldn’t register on the top 1000. It’s called perspective. She must live a charmed life, and just got knocked down a few pegs. Worse things in life are coming than delivering a healthy baby by c-section. |
Anonymous
|
My first delivery was similar to your friend’s. At the time, I completely blamed myself. I’ve come to realize, a decade and 2 additional children later, was because so much of what I read during my first pregnancy and the childbirth classes I attended put a lot of emphasis on the woman’s choice for how to labor and deliver. It’s not ill-intentioned, but when my first delivery didn’t go well, I thought at the time I made a bad choice, ie, I was a failure.
I realize now that so much of labor and delivery is dumb luck. As long as you have a good doctor and are delivering at a good hospital, you’ve done all you can to try to bring your baby into the world safely. The baby’s position, how the mom’s body responds to labor, and any complications that arise are hopefully able to be managed by the doctor and ARE NOT THE MOM’s FAULT. During my second pregnancy, my OB said to me, “Your previous delivery was not your fault.” I started sobbing on the exam table and said, “It sure feels like it.” I’ll forever be grateful for the validation she gave me. And maybe that’s a message we need to hear more often. We’re so used to being in control and accustomed to blaming ourselves when things go wrong. Infertility. Miscarriages. Stillbirths. It’s not your fault. |
Anonymous
|
This is pretty poor coping skills. People expect every thing in life to be perfect. It's not, move on. I wouldn't indulge my friend in this craziness.
She has a healthy baby not a still birth. |
Anonymous
WTF. It is AN important part of the story, but *uck you for implying that people shouldn't have feelings about how their birth went as long as their baby is fine. |
Anonymous
Nope nope nope. I had no expectation about how labor would go and still ended up with postpartum ptsd following a similar experience of a 48 hour failed induction and emergency csection, plus a difficult recovery. Just because your birth experience wasn’t traumatic doesn’t mean nobody else’s can be. My child was also an IVF baby after years of infertility and even the joy and relief of having a healthy child after all of that doesn’t negate my own trauma from the birth. This line of thinking ~ just get over it and be grateful ~ is why so many women don’t acknowledge and process their experiences and end up suffering way longer from ppd, ppa, and other perinatal mood disorders without seeking help. OP, lots of actually helpful advice above. Validate her experience, gently encourage her to seek professional help or a community of others in similar situations (even in my new moms group, 2 of the other 9 women had complicated birth experiences, so she probably won’t have to look far), etc. |
Anonymous
What is with you people?! Her friend is suffering. Whether you would be or not is irrelevant. Part of "moving on" is having feelings about a thing and processing those feelings. That's what "moving on" is. It often happens with one's friends/partner/family/etc. You are so cold, I'm surprised you have any friends at all. |
Anonymous
| She's probably just exhausted. Everything seems worse when exhausted. She'll soon move on from the disappointment. There's nothing you can do, just talk about other things. |
Anonymous
Well PP and I can be friends because I feel the same way. |
Anonymous
1000% this. Cannot believe some of these posts. |
Anonymous
Being harsh, cold, and judgmental is not something to be proud of. |
Anonymous
| The friend sounds pretty self centered. The baby is healthy and instead of being happy. She is pissed it didn’t happen the exact same way she wanted. |
Anonymous
| It took me awhile to get over my c-section. I didn’t quite make it to 48 hours because I ended up with an infection at around 38 hours but I had refused to even read about c-sections because I was so sure that wouldn’t be me. It took a little bit and it’s totally going to depend on her humor level/type but I comfort myself with the fact that my vagina is great!!! No stretching, no peeing, sex is still the same (after healing for a few months). |
Anonymous
|
Research and doulas and wanting a vaginal birth do not mean you deserve one. I have so many friends that are disappointed because they put in so much effort to have the birth they wanted. They think that if they work really hard as they do in life … it will come. But in the delivery room, the baby is making a lot of decisions. Part of becoming a parent is realizing that so much of it is out of your control and you must roll with it and be flexible.
Now, I probably wouldn’t tell her that…I would listen and then if she asks I would tell her how I felt when my birth went south. |
Anonymous
NP. You are an idiot with no understanding of PPD. OP you've gotten some good advice here - ask her about her experience and be supportive and mirroring; don't be dismissive or "chin up" about it. Then talk about the baby and gush. Tell her DH to bring up her PPD with the doctor (pediatrician or OB, doesn't matter) so that she can get a referral. This will pass but it sucks when she's going through it. You're a good friend. |