How to comfort friend after disappointing delivery?

[Anonymous]

Vaginal is so over rated. She’s so lucky she’s alive. And the baby.

[Anonymous]

As others have suggested, listen to her, validate what she’s feeling. “See” her.

“I’m sorry it was such a difficult delivery.”

“I can hear how disappointed you are in your voice. It totally makes sense that you would feel that way.”

“You’re so happy that the baby is here and also sad about the way the delivery unfolded. Both of those feelings can exist at the same time.”

“You’re grieving the loss of how you thought it would happen. Grief is hard. The best thing is to move through it, not around it. It seems like you’re working through it. Just taking with me about it is part of that process.”

“What might I do to help you right now?”

[Anonymous]

I had an emergency C Section and little comments like "oh well I worked out during pregnancy" or "I made sure to take a birthing class" or "Did you try breech tilts" (kiddo was breech, ECV didn't work). Yes, I did all those things. I tried everything to get my son to flip. If anything the obsession with getting him to flip made the kast two weeks of my pregnancy painful and stressful.

You get these weirdos who act like it was your fault or want to find something you did "wrong" and act smug.

So counteract the weirdos. She made the choice that was best for the health of her and her baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friend sounds pretty self centered. The baby is healthy and instead of being happy. She is pissed it didn’t happen the exact same way she wanted.

NP. You are an idiot with no understanding of PPD.

OP you've gotten some good advice here - ask her about her experience and be supportive and mirroring; don't be dismissive or "chin up" about it. Then talk about the baby and gush. Tell her DH to bring up her PPD with the doctor (pediatrician or OB, doesn't matter) so that she can get a referral. This will pass but it sucks when she's going through it. You're a good friend.

Well with the attitude the mom has....she set herself up for PPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friend sounds pretty self centered. The baby is healthy and instead of being happy. She is pissed it didn’t happen the exact same way she wanted.

NP. You are an idiot with no understanding of PPD.

OP you've gotten some good advice here - ask her about her experience and be supportive and mirroring; don't be dismissive or "chin up" about it. Then talk about the baby and gush. Tell her DH to bring up her PPD with the doctor (pediatrician or OB, doesn't matter) so that she can get a referral. This will pass but it sucks when she's going through it. You're a good friend.

Well with the attitude the mom has....she set herself up for PPD.

You know what is REALLY CLASSY?

Blaming a new mom for experiencing something that millions of women experience.

Most women prepare for labor and delivery in some way. Most women have some kind of expectations about the way it is going to go for them. Most women also do not experience the total fulfillment of their expectations and have to figure out how to move on from a disappointing experience.

It does absolutely no good to walk around with the attitude that you have. "She set herself up for PPD"? Really? Because she prepared for birth, had some expectations about how it would go, had a different experience and is now disappointed - that's "setting herself up"? Are there other situations in which you blame people for their health problems? If someone is in a car accident, and it is scary and traumatic for them, and they express disappointment, is your response that that person should just not feel that way at all because hey, at least they're alive, right?

Some of the women on this board are so anti-other women that it makes me sick. This thread is a really great example of how women like OP's friend end up NOT getting help for PPD. If the unkind PPs are not just being a**hole trolls because this site is anonymous and they don't have to be accountable for their behavior, please consider how these words would sound if you said them to your sister, or your daughter, or your best friend. Would you really and truly say, "Well, it sounds like you set yourself up for PPD!" or "Well at least you didn't have a stillbirth, so why are you disappointed?"

Just gross.

[Anonymous]

I had a traumatic birth. It was made worse by the fact that family did not ask how I was doing and just sent stuff for the baby/fawned over the baby. It was like my experience and trauma didn’t matter. So, I would say to be there to listen and support your friend. Ask how she is. That will mean a lot.

[Anonymous]

I had a traumatic first birth and ended up with PTSD. I reached out for help on these boards right away because I knew something wasn’t right and was slammed, shamed, and made to feel like a selfish prima Donna. It made me feel crazy and horrible. It took me a full year to get help and by then I was suicidal. I was diagnosed with PTSD immediately by the psychiatrist. People here have no idea how much they can hurt someone through the cloak of the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of the million things for people to be upset about during/after pregnancy and childbirth, this wouldn’t register on the top 1000. It’s called perspective. She must live a charmed life, and just got knocked down a few pegs. Worse things in life are coming than delivering a healthy baby by c-section.

Nope nope nope. I had no expectation about how labor would go and still ended up with postpartum ptsd following a similar experience of a 48 hour failed induction and emergency csection, plus a difficult recovery. Just because your birth experience wasn’t traumatic doesn’t mean nobody else’s can be. My child was also an IVF baby after years of infertility and even the joy and relief of having a healthy child after all of that doesn’t negate my own trauma from the birth. This line of thinking ~ just get over it and be grateful ~ is why so many women don’t acknowledge and process their experiences and end up suffering way longer from ppd, ppa, and other perinatal mood disorders without seeking help.

OP, lots of actually helpful advice above. Validate her experience, gently encourage her to seek professional help or a community of others in similar situations (even in my new moms group, 2 of the other 9 women had complicated birth experiences, so she probably won’t have to look far), etc.

nope, didn’t say anything about postpartum. Get help if you need it. My point is that if you’re developing postpartum solely because of something as unserious as this, you probably needed to be in therapy long ago.

[Anonymous]

god some of the replies in this thread are appalling. It's like no one here can remember what it was like to be a FTM dealing with sleep deprivation and the hormone crash and now she is feeling disappointed in the birth on top of it?

OP, just be as validating as you can. If she wants to tell you the birth story, listen to her. Yes, gush over the baby. Make sure you let her know you care about how SHE is doing, not just the baby, and I'm sure she will appreciate it. You sound like a great friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of the million things for people to be upset about during/after pregnancy and childbirth, this wouldn’t register on the top 1000. It’s called perspective. She must live a charmed life, and just got knocked down a few pegs. Worse things in life are coming than delivering a healthy baby by c-section.

Nope nope nope. I had no expectation about how labor would go and still ended up with postpartum ptsd following a similar experience of a 48 hour failed induction and emergency csection, plus a difficult recovery. Just because your birth experience wasn’t traumatic doesn’t mean nobody else’s can be. My child was also an IVF baby after years of infertility and even the joy and relief of having a healthy child after all of that doesn’t negate my own trauma from the birth. This line of thinking ~ just get over it and be grateful ~ is why so many women don’t acknowledge and process their experiences and end up suffering way longer from ppd, ppa, and other perinatal mood disorders without seeking help.

OP, lots of actually helpful advice above. Validate her experience, gently encourage her to seek professional help or a community of others in similar situations (even in my new moms group, 2 of the other 9 women had complicated birth experiences, so she probably won’t have to look far), etc.

nope, didn’t say anything about postpartum. Get help if you need it. My point is that if you’re developing postpartum solely because of something as unserious as this, you probably needed to be in therapy long ago.

No. Not the PP, but one of the PPs who has been yelling at the people like you.

1) It's POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. Not postpartum. Postpartum is the time period following birth.
2) Pregnancy and birth as well as transitioning to parenting are huge experiences both physical and psychological for women. Hormones are real. Sleep deprivation is real. Experiencing postpartum depression is not an indicator that you "needed to be in therapy a long time ago." It is a known and fairly common complication following birth, for women, which is not taken anywhere near seriously as it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks, all. My instinct is always to try to share my experience and give advice based on what worked for me, but this was a good reminder to listen first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who had a very tough labor and delivery - was in labor for almost 48 hours before an emergency c-section. She had done a lot of research and really wanted a vaginal birth - she hired a doula and wanted to keep going even when things weren't progressing (hence the 48 hours). Her husband is my friend too and told me she is really upset about how it ended up and he thinks may be causing (or at least contributing to) PPD, along with struggles breastfeeding. She is a pretty type A/anxious person and really wants to do things "right" (I'm putting it in quotes because I know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deliver).

I would like to reach out to her and be supportive. I don't want to minimize her experience but I also want her to know it isn't some big disaster that she had a c-section. As a mom of two kids I know that the birth experience seems all-important at the time, but it quickly loses relevance compared to first smiles, first steps, first days of school, etc.

Any suggestions for supportive things to say that aren't condescending or dismissive?

Which do you want more? Your statements are in conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks, all. My instinct is always to try to share my experience and give advice based on what worked for me, but this was a good reminder to listen first.

Yes, please fight that instinct tooth and nail. When you do, you’re making it all about you. It’s not helpful at all. If she asks you what to do, then sure, offer it. But you can’t offer it if she’s not asking. She will know you care because of the way you listen to her, the way you paraphrase her and the way you sit in the discomfort of it all with her.

[Anonymous]

What if you acted like she knew what she wanted in the first place and had a medical outcome she wasn’t happy with and didn’t expect.

For example, if a friend went to the hospital for cancer and was told it could be treated with radiation, but left the hospital having had to have major surgery to save her life, she would be coping with a lot of feelings. You wouldn’t say “but it’s FINE because you didn’t DIE and LOTS of people have surgery so just focus on other things!” right? You’d talk about how it must be hard to come to terms with it and how surgical complications are a big deal and is there anything she needs for her recovery that you can help support?

Don’t assume that because you have two children you are an expert in literally anything other than your own experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar spot and I can tell you what NOT to say:

"At least you and baby are healthy, that is all that matters!"

"I know how miserable you feel not getting your ideal birth plan." --> you don't know her misery, it is hers.

The worst thing people can say is anything about their own pregnancy or "I know how you feel".

I would keep it vague and just listen.
"I'm sorry about your birth plan. How are you feeling?"
"I'm sorry you had a traumatic birth (or however she describes it, repeat words)."

This. She is a poor candidate for a VBAC because of the reason for the C. She may never get to have a vaginal birth. OP you don't have a time machine and you can't say for sure she won't have problems because of her C.