Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)

[Anonymous]

Living at home is depressing. She needs to keep working so she can move out and then proceed with being a twenty something college grad not living with her parents.

I had health issues at that age thwt made it hard for me to work full time and wound up living at home off and on in my twenties so I could work fewer hours. It was depressing, to feel like a not launched loser.

Just gently encourage her to move out. Not in a mean way, just in a “I think this will be good for you” way. And don’t help her out finacniallh unless it is an emergency.

And do not support her financially if she wants to be an artist! She needs to figure out how to bankroll being an artist at the beach n her own if that is what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Enough with the diagnosing. The kid is spoiled and needs to grow up. Living at home isn't the issue. The is she needs to work or be in school to live at home and pay her car insurance, health insurance and other basic expenses. She can pursue her artistic talents all she wants but she needs a paying job. Stop humoring her and paying for things.

[Anonymous]

OP- You sound like a great mom!

[Anonymous]

The angel numbers thing is so annoying. I know full-fledged adults in their 40s saying angel number nonsense.

I usually respond with something like, “oh look! That house number is 666. Another Devil number! One one boiling pit if hell closes, another opens with a direct route.”

Biggest eye roll ever, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Wow - this could be me writing the OP. My daughter graduated from college last year as well, and she’s expressed many of the unrealistic and eyeroll-worthy anti-capitalist sort of screeds. I think it’s very much a Zoomer thing.

My DD is also in therapy and had a period where she sat DH and me down to explain what we’d done wrong. It was painful, but I’ve since come to realize that she often exaggerates in the moment, and I have to take her less seriously. More smile and nod, less angst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She thought she was going to get a sexy high paying job in an art museum at age 22?

She sounds either stupid or delusional

With a marketing degree.

All artists are both they think they should sit on their ass and galleries and people with money will flock to them. God I hate these entitled woe is me I’m so great but everyone is shit kind of persons.

OP you did nothing wrong and I doubt it’s the therapist it’s all on your daughter.

[Anonymous]

I greatly appreciate everyone's time and efforts in responding. Thanks so much. I also appreciate the thoughts and recommendations. It doesn't make me feel so alone. Thank-you all so very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's tough OP. Coming at this from the other side my mom would do a similar post I am sure if this existed when we were this age. She would make us sound nuts and irrational and she would sound so reasonable and together. She would have everyone rallying around her and thinking we were spoiled brats because we went to good schools fully paid for and took nice trips growing up.

She would leave out the following:

-She had a frightening temper and would threaten to murder our father as she waved a knife.

-She was so high strung the slightest thing could set off her anger. My friends never wanted to come to my house after witnessing it. Until then, they were charmed by her.

-She obsessed over our bodies. She once sobbed because I gained weight in college (still normal range) and she could not bare to see how I ruined my small waist, flat stomach and butt. Over the next few months I exercised and restricted and lost a lot of weight. She chastised me for looking to thin and making people think I either had a cancer or an ED (again was normal weight-just bottom of range).

I could give a long list, but she would have you convinced we were just ungrateful, spoiled monsters for not appreciating our privileged childhood. Lots of gaslighting and you just give up and have a superficial relationship.

That's awful. Your mother sounds like she was a narcissist. Or borderline. So sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - this could be me writing the OP. My daughter graduated from college last year as well, and she’s expressed many of the unrealistic and eyeroll-worthy anti-capitalist sort of screeds. I think it’s very much a Zoomer thing.

My DD is also in therapy and had a period where she sat DH and me down to explain what we’d done wrong. It was painful, but I’ve since come to realize that she often exaggerates in the moment, and I have to take her less seriously. More smile and nod, less angst.

Twins!

[Anonymous]

She sounds very unhappy for reasons she doesn’t understand and, with the help of a therapist I suspect is a problem, focusing that unhappiness at you. This won’t make her any less unhappy.

Be kind. She is going through a lot, even if misguided. I had the wrong parents for my personality and talents. Can’t blame them for not getting me. Can blame one for not trying, but that is a different thing.

[Anonymous]

I was similar to your daughter at that age. I am extremely analytical and probably on the spectrum, so when I had all these crazy thoughts(blaming others) I pushed them aside, and I knew that they did not make sense. I had everything going for me at the time, but I was still unhappy for no logical reason. I tried to makes sense of it but failed over and over again. And then one day, it was gone. A decade later, my thoughts can be all over the place, but I now know that this is just how I am wired, so I intentionally switch my thoughts quickly when I start going there.

Let me tell you what I remember from those tough years: unconditional love.

My mother, my godmother, and one of my dear friends would hug me all the time. They listened to my babbling, pretended that it made some kind of sense and just hugged me and then hugged me some more. I will never forget what they did for me during these times.

Your case is harder because you are the sole scapecoat(I blamed everyone and everything. lol) Find a way to focus on how she is feeling and show her love. Hug her, hold her hand. Tell her you love her and you want her to be happy. Offer what you can. Draw your boundaries in advance so that you don't grow to resent her and so that you are not left penniless. Rub her back.

Think of this as your baby being ill and you are showing her love as a mom. Don't overanalyze what she is saying. It's nonsense, but she alone can come to that realization. And when she does, she will remember that you were there for her when she was in a horrible place.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

First, hugs OP. I now have one in college and one out and so looking back I see so many ways I could have done better or acted differently ( and absolutely would). Even with all our love for our dc, I think most of us could say this.

Anyway, I have one a bit like yours and I can state that when he is away from us we are so close! Calls almost daily. Encourages us to visit him! He does blame me for a few things ( and I’ve acknowledged where I failed but he will always carry the scar) but he absolutely knows he is loved, his parents aren’t perfect, and he has had a privileged life.

Being on his own is so empowering as he feels in control and learns and grows as he goes. He was also “ anti capitalist, anti us for a bit, only want to do what I love” but quickly realized without our credit cards in his online wallet all the trips to Whole Foods for vegan or whatever fast casual restaurant of the day - he can’t do😊 Called one day amazed at how much the laundromat was in his new city! How expensive food is!

Hang in there. Your dd might very well have other issues or depression that mine does not. Well, he did seemed depressed when not yet launched, and some anxiety in HS as his therapist said. It could very well rear it’s head again but when he is on his own and agency over his actions, he is so lovely and just a different person. Me being the practical black and white problem solver never worked for him.

Encourage her to launch. She will likely not forgot whatever wrongs she feels from her childhood but with distance and maturity I’m hopeful you will have at least a warm and loving connection. Not Hollywood family moments but you will have your dd in your life.

[Anonymous]

Reading this thread reminds me of a Progressive insurance commercial. So many of you have become your parents. You really cab't remember what it's like to be young? You really can't be empathetic about an idealistic 22-year-old who had to go through college during a pandemic, is only recently graduated, and is now looking at the rest of her life and thinking "are you kidding me? Now I have to work in marketing?"

I don't blame the kid one bit, nor do I blame her for thinking, at her tender age, that she's where she's at because her parents pushed her in that direction. To be clear, I'm not "blaming" the parents -- I'm not blaming her for blaming the parents. That's what kids do at that age when they're unhappy. It comes with the territory.

We raised four kids, all girls. They had a very comfortable upbringing, graduated from college debt free, etc. -- and every one of them did something "idealistic" after college (for want of a better word) before settling down. One joined the Peace Corps. Another did Teach for America. Another moved to a developing country and volunteered for a non-profit. Etc. Now none of them is working in "marketing" but are each instead pursuing careers that they can feel good about. And lo and behold, they're all supporting themselves. They know they're never going to be rich, but they also know that the corporate world isn't for them.

OP's daughter is 22. Instead of advising that OP throw her out or tell her to grow up, how about instead encouraging her to pursue a different path? She has her whole life ahead of her.

[Anonymous]

OK let's see, I would not scapegoat the therapist here. Next you's scapegoat the next therapist and the boyfriend.

This could very well be her depression talking and one does not snap a finger and get rid of it even in therapy. She may need a psychiatric eval as well. It's not uncommon for depressed people to blame others for their problems. My elderly mom does this. She is not completely inaccurate. She will blame me for her misery because I don't do enough for her. She's right, some of her friends kids do more. Those friends are also much more pleasant to be around whereas it takes me days to recover from dealing with my mother. My point here is the truth lies somewhere inbetween. I have found with my blaming mother it does not help to defend yourself in any way. I simply acknowledge that yes, Larla does more and I even validate her feelings, but I have major boundaries, which would be near impossible if she lived here.

As for the angel numbers, I would let that go. If it brings her some joy and peace great. If the numbers start upsetting her or telling her to do bad things, that's another story. This is a little different, but plenty of people who lose loved ones think they are getting signs from birds, license plates, random occurrences. If it brings them comfort, good!

Re:the person who said a therapist ruined her family relationships. My guess is there was a lot going on there that either you didn't experience (maybe Golden child/scapegoat), you went into denial about or you didn't think was anything, but it hurt your sibling deeply.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the advice to throw her out and help her get over herself is too much if you actually care about your kid and want to have a relationship. Also, OP you present a great argument for why she is a brat and you were a great mom. C'mon.We all screw up and it's ok. Maybe she had learning issues and you rolled your eyes at the suggestion for an evaluation? Maybe she needed therapy earlier, but you thought it was to woo woo. That doesn't mean you are a bad parent. You are human. I just get a little suspicious when people paint too extreme a picture.

Your goal is to gently ease her out her the door. Make sure she has therapy. Encourage friendships. Be there for her. If her behavior gets to you too much get yourself some support-professional, not just people on DCUM telling you that you are a great parent and she is a spoiled entitled brat. Figure out boundaries that work for you where you can be a loving mom, but don't feel constantly blamed and insulted.