Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Young adult child (22) one year out of college. Just started first job. She is bitter and resents her family and me BC she said we didn't support her childhood artistic pursuits. Growing up she loved music and we paid for many years of private lessons at our house. In summer I would send her to various camps like art studio, pottery etc. Bought musical instruments and art supplies, easel, paints etc.. She mulled over going to art school for painting, but she never liked painting much at the time and was more into pottery.. I do acknowledge that I did discourage her from art school unless she was interested in teaching eiher high school or uni level. She wasn't interested. She went to a 4 year school and chose her own major (marketing). For the past 6 months she's been in counseling. I thought it was helpful, she wanted to go. But they dredge up everything and she routinely brings up the wrongs of her childhood. Her therapist seems to be feeding into this victim mindset. Apparently I was a terrible mother who emotionally abused her BC I was neglectful by not asking her more about feelings. I was always more of a black and white what's the problem let's see what a fix could be. Apparently I'm not gray in my mindset and did her a disservice. She said she was born into the wrong family and will cut ties as soon as she moves out. I told her how much I love her and that I made mistakes but did my best, and never intended to emotionally neglect her. I told her that act one is done and she can take charge of her own life and mold it into what she wants, but she said it's too late and Ive ruined her with generational trauma and all this other psych babble. And no, although her childhood wasn't perfect there was no divorce, her dad and I get along, they had privileged upbringing and I worked part time for many many years so I could be there as a mother. She has mentioned that she doesn't like the idea of working for the evil capitalist model and wants to live on the beach and paint art all day. She says boomers and Gen X had it easy and now the world is going to hell and she's not cut out for this world. She's always been sensitive and more emotional than her sibling. She is creative. Sorry for the dump. Thoughts? Im shocked but trying to be understanding since this is her feeling. I just think the therapy is worsening it. The interesting thing is she worked through college and after, and her colleagues always like her. She is a hard worker. I'm just baffled.

Feel ya OP. I am both a creative and a bumbling mother myself.

Your daughter does sound like a blocked creative. If you are both open to it, I highly recommend you buy her and yourself copies of The Artist’s Way book by Julia Cameron and the Artist’s Way Journal to go with it. There are weekly reading and exercises aimed at childhood assaults on creativity (they come from many sources, not just parents) and Journaling every day can help her to heal the creative child within she wished had been more nurtured. Many successful artists/ writers/ film makers credit this book and process with finding their creative way.

Don’t give up on her or your relationship. Let her know you care about her reaching her dreams and finding her creative voice.

Our DD is a teen but already blames me/ us for everything from poor showings in tests, to not supporting social media empire dreams, to not making sports teams … We can encourage our DC to reach for their dreams but there is only so much we can do. They have to find their own voices and make their dreams happen themselves. We can let them know we will cheer them every step of the way,

We also pay a small fortune on music lessons and we try to encourage creativity. However, her creativity is much more modern and digital than mine, so we almost speak different languages. She feels things very intensely in the moment, which sounds similar to your DD.

I tried to get her into various forms of therapy but she is always too tired to be bothered. My psychiatrist joked that she suffered from a frightening condition called adolescence. Perhaps your daughter is a little delayed in some normal adolescent peaks and valleys?

Don’t give up, Gray thinking takes time to cultivate.

Maybe let her know you want to accompany her on her personal awakening but you need help knowing what to do. Maybe you could invite her into a Cosy light filled home or other space where you can both listen to favorite music and do whatever you both enjoy (paint or read or draw or write or film or whatever you feel like). It is about being intentional about carving out time for creative space (even just 1-2 hours a week) and going whatever your/ her inner voice leads you.

We mess up as parents. We just do. I hope you can find ways to connect with her and heal together. Good luck OP

🎨🎶 🎨 ✏️ 🖼 🎤 📓

[Anonymous]

OP,

I do not encourage therapy for this reason - most people who go are not mature enough (regardless of age) to understand that delving into their parents' choices doesn't mean accusing them. Most therapists are not intelligent or skilled enough to make that distinction. So a common consequence of therapy, particularly for the young, is that they come back and say it's all their parents' fault.

In addition, teens and young adults often struggle with accepting that they are their own people who can shape their own lives from now on. It's really tempting to place all blame on parents. I did that, and never went near therapy! It took me many years to accept that my parents were extremely limited in their outlook and just could not have reacted differently than they did, and that it was unfair for me to judge them and their era based on what parenting is today.


So... give her space, and remember that she doesn't have to be factually right to have real feelings about it. Hopefully she'll mature soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT get sucked into believing anything she says. Nod and say "thank you for sharing," and keep encouraging her to move out. You did nothing wrong.

My cousin went to college for ... something but then changed her major to ceramics. I didn't even know you could major in that. She graduated, dumped a boyfriend because she said he wasn't going to earn enough to support her pottery lifestyle, and married an ugly boring guy who earns a lot. Cranked out two kids, and works at a college teaching art. She seems very happy, but wouldn't be able to live this life unless she'd married a big earner.

Good for her for making it work. She's happy and it worked out. OP daughter needs to get a job and move out to see life isn't greener on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I encouraged her to post her art and she did sell a couple pieces to friends if friends type. She set up at an outdoor market and was convinced that she'd sell 1,000 in art in one day. Sadly (not surprisingly) she did not sell one piece. She is getting ready to move out in Jan Feb. I have offered to help her with security and move. But she's on her own for the rent and all other expenses. I'm still paying her car insurance. But we told her last month that she has to get her own policy Dec 1st. Her car which we bought of course when she was a senior in high school (basic Toyota, new) will be signed over to her name when she takes insurance. I also encouraged her to take art lessons and we were going to gift her money for bday and Xmas for art lessons. But she used the money to buy other things.

This is her first week at her first real job. On her first day she called me over lunch complaining how exhausted she was. It had only been 4 hours. She's also disappointed in her salary BC she's only making 45k and in her mind she should be making 60k straight out of college. Whatever...

Sounds like you are handling it well. Sadly, she really needs to go for a masters to earn more money. Its good that she's growing up. You are right to help pay with move in but she needs to pay everything else including car insurance. She needs to grow up and pay for those things. You can give her gifts for birthday/holidays for those things too. But, if she chooses to use it for something else its on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I encouraged her to post her art and she did sell a couple pieces to friends if friends type. She set up at an outdoor market and was convinced that she'd sell 1,000 in art in one day. Sadly (not surprisingly) she did not sell one piece. She is getting ready to move out in Jan Feb. I have offered to help her with security and move. But she's on her own for the rent and all other expenses. I'm still paying her car insurance. But we told her last month that she has to get her own policy Dec 1st. Her car which we bought of course when she was a senior in high school (basic Toyota, new) will be signed over to her name when she takes insurance. I also encouraged her to take art lessons and we were going to gift her money for bday and Xmas for art lessons. But she used the money to buy other things.

This is her first week at her first real job. On her first day she called me over lunch complaining how exhausted she was. It had only been 4 hours. She's also disappointed in her salary BC she's only making 45k and in her mind she should be making 60k straight out of college. Whatever...

Poor kid. I can totally understand how disappointing that is - it feels like not only a rejection of your work, but also of you personally. She took a huge risk and probably feels very vulnerable. I remember when I was building my business I went through the same thing - hundreds of hours of putting my work out there with almost no return. It’s awful.

She might enjoy the book “Ignore Everybody: and 39 other keys to creativity”. It helped me a lot.

I mean, maybe her art is just not that good and she isn’t that talented or motivated. The truth is, artists are artists whether they go to art school or not. If she was really an artist, she would be driven to create and would be doing it regardless. She wouldn’t be able to help it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I encouraged her to post her art and she did sell a couple pieces to friends if friends type. She set up at an outdoor market and was convinced that she'd sell 1,000 in art in one day. Sadly (not surprisingly) she did not sell one piece. She is getting ready to move out in Jan Feb. I have offered to help her with security and move. But she's on her own for the rent and all other expenses. I'm still paying her car insurance. But we told her last month that she has to get her own policy Dec 1st. Her car which we bought of course when she was a senior in high school (basic Toyota, new) will be signed over to her name when she takes insurance. I also encouraged her to take art lessons and we were going to gift her money for bday and Xmas for art lessons. But she used the money to buy other things.

This is her first week at her first real job. On her first day she called me over lunch complaining how exhausted she was. It had only been 4 hours. She's also disappointed in her salary BC she's only making 45k and in her mind she should be making 60k straight out of college. Whatever...

Sounds like you are handling it well. Sadly, she really needs to go for a masters to earn more money. Its good that she's growing up. You are right to help pay with move in but she needs to pay everything else including car insurance. She needs to grow up and pay for those things. You can give her gifts for birthday/holidays for those things too. But, if she chooses to use it for something else its on her.

This is bad advice. Masters in what?? I hate it when people just encourage kids to incur more debt by going to grad school. She should work for a few years and get more of an idea of what she wants to do. Then she could maybe get an mba. Or keep working but do art classes on the side while trying to sell her work.

Most artists have real jobs that pay the bills. I know this because my mother was an artist so we always had lots of them over at our house. They either taught at palaces like the Corcoran, or had a rich spouse, or a trust fund, or a normal job but did art on the side.

[Anonymous]

I’m a psychologist and it is true some therapists do more harm than good.

I’ve even experienced this. My husband went to see someone when we were going through a rough patch. He was infatuated with someone in his office and whenever he talked about her he get all animated and giddy.

The therapist told him, “you get so happy when talking about your colleague. Your whole face lights up. She clearly has a positive effect on you.”

Well, DUH! Of course he seemed happy. She was a young woman with no baggage, always flirty toward him, etc.

He actually told me what the therapist said and I bit my tongue. However one of HIS friends said to him exactly what I was thinking and he switched therapists to someone who was willing to explore his contribution to issue and open his eyes to the real world and what it might be like if he dumped me for the shiny new toy.

I’m still a little bitter than there are therapists who do not look at the whole picture and have both sides explore how they got to the place they are. It does everyone a disservice.

In my story my husband finally came around, we both acknowledged our parts to the story (hard as it is) and after much work moved forward. But we were both older adults and not also dealing with the maturity issue your daughter is. It may take the right therapist and time associated with maturing.

The bottom line is you can control no one’s behavior but your own. She is in control of her own life now and needs to accept responsibly for how things move forward for her.

[Anonymous]

All your comments as are so helpful. I'm rereading them and also exploring the book recommendations. I do think she is slower to mature than say I was as at her age. She was a dramatic teenager but calmed down somewhat by 17 18. Still prone to high emotions, empathetic but dramatic. Very different than me. I'm more even keel calm steady, type. Granted I've got decades on her so that comes with age too.

She asked me about graduating in the early 1990s from college and my first job etc. She asked me how I knew deep inside that my first job offer was the right fit. I laughed and said I knew right away BC the rent was due in three weeks. She looked shocked. But even after I had graduated I did not move home for various reasons and had to land something asap.

I do think tik tok and social media makes it worse. They get stuck in their own echo chamber. She told me she despises capitalism and wanted to move to Scandinavia. She said she doesn't like materialism as she orders things from Amazon on her iPhone.

I grew up in a wealthy EU country (Switz) with socialism type programs and high taxation. I explained to her that the Piper is always paid and I went through taxation rates with her and the cost of free everything. She was shocked and doesn't quite believe it. She thinks there is some far off land filled with beautiful people living in beautiful houses and not paying for much of everything. One of her side gigs here they took out taxes and she was mad. I told her that if she lived in Denmark her tax rate would have been triple. She said there is a new way coming and we will not be slaves anymore. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I encouraged her to post her art and she did sell a couple pieces to friends if friends type. She set up at an outdoor market and was convinced that she'd sell 1,000 in art in one day. Sadly (not surprisingly) she did not sell one piece. She is getting ready to move out in Jan Feb. I have offered to help her with security and move. But she's on her own for the rent and all other expenses. I'm still paying her car insurance. But we told her last month that she has to get her own policy Dec 1st. Her car which we bought of course when she was a senior in high school (basic Toyota, new) will be signed over to her name when she takes insurance. I also encouraged her to take art lessons and we were going to gift her money for bday and Xmas for art lessons. But she used the money to buy other things.

This is her first week at her first real job. On her first day she called me over lunch complaining how exhausted she was. It had only been 4 hours. She's also disappointed in her salary BC she's only making 45k and in her mind she should be making 60k straight out of college. Whatever...

Sounds like you are handling it well. Sadly, she really needs to go for a masters to earn more money. Its good that she's growing up. You are right to help pay with move in but she needs to pay everything else including car insurance. She needs to grow up and pay for those things. You can give her gifts for birthday/holidays for those things too. But, if she chooses to use it for something else its on her.

This is bad advice. Masters in what?? I hate it when people just encourage kids to incur more debt by going to grad school. She should work for a few years and get more of an idea of what she wants to do. Then she could maybe get an mba. Or keep working but do art classes on the side while trying to sell her work.

Most artists have real jobs that pay the bills. I know this because my mother was an artist so we always had lots of them over at our house. They either taught at palaces like the Corcoran, or had a rich spouse, or a trust fund, or a normal job but did art on the side.

In her major or another major so she can have a real job. Even my 12 year old, who wants to be a musician understands they can do a dual major in college but one major needs to be in a field that leads to a paying job and most people cannot make a full-time career out of their hobby. If they can, great, but you always need a back up plan.

Some parents, like us are willing to pay for a masters degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All your comments as are so helpful. I'm rereading them and also exploring the book recommendations. I do think she is slower to mature than say I was as at her age. She was a dramatic teenager but calmed down somewhat by 17 18. Still prone to high emotions, empathetic but dramatic. Very different than me. I'm more even keel calm steady, type. Granted I've got decades on her so that comes with age too.

She asked me about graduating in the early 1990s from college and my first job etc. She asked me how I knew deep inside that my first job offer was the right fit. I laughed and said I knew right away BC the rent was due in three weeks. She looked shocked. But even after I had graduated I did not move home for various reasons and had to land something asap.

I do think tik tok and social media makes it worse. They get stuck in their own echo chamber. She told me she despises capitalism and wanted to move to Scandinavia. She said she doesn't like materialism as she orders things from Amazon on her iPhone.

I grew up in a wealthy Euro country (Switz) with socialism type programs and high taxation. I explained to her that the Piper is always paid and I went through taxation rates with her and the cost of free everything. She was shocked and doesn't quite believe it. She thinks there is some far off land filled with beautiful people living in beautiful houses and not paying for much of everything. One of her side gigs here they took out taxes and she was mad. I told her that if she lived in Denmark her tax rate would have been triple. She said there is a new way coming and we will not be slaves anymore. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Apologies for the EU. I started typing European and my autocorrect dropped EU. Switz not part of EU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All your comments as are so helpful. I'm rereading them and also exploring the book recommendations. I do think she is slower to mature than say I was as at her age. She was a dramatic teenager but calmed down somewhat by 17 18. Still prone to high emotions, empathetic but dramatic. Very different than me. I'm more even keel calm steady, type. Granted I've got decades on her so that comes with age too.

She asked me about graduating in the early 1990s from college and my first job etc. She asked me how I knew deep inside that my first job offer was the right fit. I laughed and said I knew right away BC the rent was due in three weeks. She looked shocked. But even after I had graduated I did not move home for various reasons and had to land something asap.

I do think tik tok and social media makes it worse. They get stuck in their own echo chamber. She told me she despises capitalism and wanted to move to Scandinavia. She said she doesn't like materialism as she orders things from Amazon on her iPhone.

I grew up in a wealthy EU country (Switz) with socialism type programs and high taxation. I explained to her that the Piper is always paid and I went through taxation rates with her and the cost of free everything. She was shocked and doesn't quite believe it. She thinks there is some far off land filled with beautiful people living in beautiful houses and not paying for much of everything. One of her side gigs here they took out taxes and she was mad. I told her that if she lived in Denmark her tax rate would have been triple. She said there is a new way coming and we will not be slaves anymore. Whatever.

Lol does she know Norway is wealth because of OIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All your comments as are so helpful. I'm rereading them and also exploring the book recommendations. I do think she is slower to mature than say I was as at her age. She was a dramatic teenager but calmed down somewhat by 17 18. Still prone to high emotions, empathetic but dramatic. Very different than me. I'm more even keel calm steady, type. Granted I've got decades on her so that comes with age too.

She asked me about graduating in the early 1990s from college and my first job etc. She asked me how I knew deep inside that my first job offer was the right fit. I laughed and said I knew right away BC the rent was due in three weeks. She looked shocked. But even after I had graduated I did not move home for various reasons and had to land something asap.

I do think tik tok and social media makes it worse. They get stuck in their own echo chamber. She told me she despises capitalism and wanted to move to Scandinavia. She said she doesn't like materialism as she orders things from Amazon on her iPhone.

I grew up in a wealthy Euro country (Switz) with socialism type programs and high taxation. I explained to her that the Piper is always paid and I went through taxation rates with her and the cost of free everything. She was shocked and doesn't quite believe it. She thinks there is some far off land filled with beautiful people living in beautiful houses and not paying for much of everything. One of her side gigs here they took out taxes and she was mad. I told her that if she lived in Denmark her tax rate would have been triple. She said there is a new way coming and we will not be slaves anymore. Whatever.

What’s your citizenship? Can she get European citizenship through you? If so, look into that. She might like working or studying in Europe for a while. And she’s right that the health insurance etc is better there. Europe is a better place to be an artist than the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All your comments as are so helpful. I'm rereading them and also exploring the book recommendations. I do think she is slower to mature than say I was as at her age. She was a dramatic teenager but calmed down somewhat by 17 18. Still prone to high emotions, empathetic but dramatic. Very different than me. I'm more even keel calm steady, type. Granted I've got decades on her so that comes with age too.

She asked me about graduating in the early 1990s from college and my first job etc. She asked me how I knew deep inside that my first job offer was the right fit. I laughed and said I knew right away BC the rent was due in three weeks. She looked shocked. But even after I had graduated I did not move home for various reasons and had to land something asap.

I do think tik tok and social media makes it worse. They get stuck in their own echo chamber. She told me she despises capitalism and wanted to move to Scandinavia. She said she doesn't like materialism as she orders things from Amazon on her iPhone.

I grew up in a wealthy EU country (Switz) with socialism type programs and high taxation. I explained to her that the Piper is always paid and I went through taxation rates with her and the cost of free everything. She was shocked and doesn't quite believe it. She thinks there is some far off land filled with beautiful people living in beautiful houses and not paying for much of everything. One of her side gigs here they took out taxes and she was mad. I told her that if she lived in Denmark her tax rate would have been triple. She said there is a new way coming and we will not be slaves anymore. Whatever.

I'm on your side, OP.
However, did you expose her money matters and the working life?
I'm French and my kids, born in the US, know that taxes are higher in Europe but the social safety net is better. That nothing is free, essentially. We talk about the costs of things constantly - right now, the exorbitant but necessary cost of my high schooler's tutoring. I tell them what we're giving up to pay for what, and how we prioritize things. I show them our income and investments and what we had when we started out (nothing much). They may not understand all of it, but some of it will stick.

[Anonymous]

Seems like she should start working on her art in her spare time and put that marketing degree to use for herself and learn how to market her art so it sells.


I'm sure in some ways she is being dramatic and selfish, but there are 2 sides to every story.