Resentful, bitter young adult child (newly graduated)

[Anonymous]

US citizen nearly my whole life. Just born and raised across the pond and came to us when I was 18.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we always exposed then to financial literacy. She has her own Roth IRA that she started funding.

As far as Norway bring built on oil wealth, I'd hate to spoil her dreams of a utopian Scandinavian society. 😏.

[Anonymous]

I feel like a lot of people are like this because they aren’t fulfilled in their real lives. Once my work took off and I had kids, I never had these kids before. I didn’t have time for insane introversion. I am really annoyed by the victim mindset.

I have a sister who says stuff like this and gets it from therapy also. We have a wonderful family and two great parents. Maybe they argued with her over her messy room when she was growing up, but that’s about it. And she was messy. I cleaned and never had those arguments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like she should start working on her art in her spare time and put that marketing degree to use for herself and learn how to market her art so it sells.


I'm sure in some ways she is being dramatic and selfish, but there are 2 sides to every story.

Agreed. I did suggest that her marketing background could be a benefit to launching her website. She started to work on it but lost interest. There are always two sides, agreed. That's why I don't want to diminish her feelings BC those are valid. But it is painful when you're told you failed as a mother. She on my took this current job BC we started pressuring her to apply for more jobs as we were coming up to a year since graduation and I am tiring if the extended adolescence. She turned down three jobs prior to accepting this one.

I just don't like this victim mentality her therapist seems to feed into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All your comments as are so helpful. I'm rereading them and also exploring the book recommendations. I do think she is slower to mature than say I was as at her age. She was a dramatic teenager but calmed down somewhat by 17 18. Still prone to high emotions, empathetic but dramatic. Very different than me. I'm more even keel calm steady, type. Granted I've got decades on her so that comes with age too.

She asked me about graduating in the early 1990s from college and my first job etc. She asked me how I knew deep inside that my first job offer was the right fit. I laughed and said I knew right away BC the rent was due in three weeks. She looked shocked. But even after I had graduated I did not move home for various reasons and had to land something asap.

I do think tik tok and social media makes it worse. They get stuck in their own echo chamber. She told me she despises capitalism and wanted to move to Scandinavia. She said she doesn't like materialism as she orders things from Amazon on her iPhone.

I grew up in a wealthy EU country (Switz) with socialism type programs and high taxation. I explained to her that the Piper is always paid and I went through taxation rates with her and the cost of free everything. She was shocked and doesn't quite believe it. She thinks there is some far off land filled with beautiful people living in beautiful houses and not paying for much of everything. One of her side gigs here they took out taxes and she was mad. I told her that if she lived in Denmark her tax rate would have been triple. She said there is a new way coming and we will not be slaves anymore. Whatever.

Switzerland is so beautiful but also so incredibly rigid (we lived there for some years). Does your daughter have Swiss citizenship? The Swiss are so particular about EVERYTHING that it might be good for her to visit her country of heritage and appreciate how much more rigid things could have been for her growing up.

One of my favorite bumper stickers ever was “Quick, hire a youth while they still know everything.”

Life will knock a lot of these unrealistic expectations out of her. But you still have to build a relationship with her based on who she is today so I would approach with gentle compassion and humor ….

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is a brat, OP.

[Anonymous]

No Swiss citizenship. Just grew up there and in the UK and a couple other places. Switz Austria, even Denmark they are all more conformist in mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young adult child (22) one year out of college. Just started first job. She is bitter and resents her family and me BC she said we didn't support her childhood artistic pursuits. Growing up she loved music and we paid for many years of private lessons at our house. In summer I would send her to various camps like art studio, pottery etc. Bought musical instruments and art supplies, easel, paints etc.. She mulled over going to art school for painting, but she never liked painting much at the time and was more into pottery.. I do acknowledge that I did discourage her from art school unless she was interested in teaching eiher high school or uni level. She wasn't interested. She went to a 4 year school and chose her own major (marketing). For the past 6 months she's been in counseling. I thought it was helpful, she wanted to go. But they dredge up everything and she routinely brings up the wrongs of her childhood. Her therapist seems to be feeding into this victim mindset. Apparently I was a terrible mother who emotionally abused her BC I was neglectful by not asking her more about feelings. I was always more of a black and white what's the problem let's see what a fix could be. Apparently I'm not gray in my mindset and did her a disservice. She said she was born into the wrong family and will cut ties as soon as she moves out. I told her how much I love her and that I made mistakes but did my best, and never intended to emotionally neglect her. I told her that act one is done and she can take charge of her own life and mold it into what she wants, but she said it's too late and Ive ruined her with generational trauma and all this other psych babble. And no, although her childhood wasn't perfect there was no divorce, her dad and I get along, they had privileged upbringing and I worked part time for many many years so I could be there as a mother. She has mentioned that she doesn't like the idea of working for the evil capitalist model and wants to live on the beach and paint art all day. She says boomers and Gen X had it easy and now the world is going to hell and she's not cut out for this world. She's always been sensitive and more emotional than her sibling. She is creative. Sorry for the dump. Thoughts? Im shocked but trying to be understanding since this is her feeling. I just think the therapy is worsening it. The interesting thing is she worked through college and after, and her colleagues always like her. She is a hard worker. I'm just baffled.

Feel ya OP. I am both a creative and a bumbling mother myself.

Your daughter does sound like a blocked creative. If you are both open to it, I highly recommend you buy her and yourself copies of The Artist’s Way book by Julia Cameron and the Artist’s Way Journal to go with it. There are weekly reading and exercises aimed at childhood assaults on creativity (they come from many sources, not just parents) and Journaling every day can help her to heal the creative child within she wished had been more nurtured. Many successful artists/ writers/ film makers credit this book and process with finding their creative way.

Don’t give up on her or your relationship. Let her know you care about her reaching her dreams and finding her creative voice.

Our DD is a teen but already blames me/ us for everything from poor showings in tests, to not supporting social media empire dreams, to not making sports teams … We can encourage our DC to reach for their dreams but there is only so much we can do. They have to find their own voices and make their dreams happen themselves. We can let them know we will cheer them every step of the way,

We also pay a small fortune on music lessons and we try to encourage creativity. However, her creativity is much more modern and digital than mine, so we almost speak different languages. She feels things very intensely in the moment, which sounds similar to your DD.

I tried to get her into various forms of therapy but she is always too tired to be bothered. My psychiatrist joked that she suffered from a frightening condition called adolescence. Perhaps your daughter is a little delayed in some normal adolescent peaks and valleys?

Don’t give up, Gray thinking takes time to cultivate.

Maybe let her know you want to accompany her on her personal awakening but you need help knowing what to do. Maybe you could invite her into a Cosy light filled home or other space where you can both listen to favorite music and do whatever you both enjoy (paint or read or draw or write or film or whatever you feel like). It is about being intentional about carving out time for creative space (even just 1-2 hours a week) and going whatever your/ her inner voice leads you.

We mess up as parents. We just do. I hope you can find ways to connect with her and heal together. Good luck OP

🎨🎶 🎨 ✏️ 🖼 🎤 📓

+1
Really good book for artists .. will probably help you to understand and bridge the personality differences as well if you read it with her ….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like she should start working on her art in her spare time and put that marketing degree to use for herself and learn how to market her art so it sells.


I'm sure in some ways she is being dramatic and selfish, but there are 2 sides to every story.

Agreed. I did suggest that her marketing background could be a benefit to launching her website. She started to work on it but lost interest. There are always two sides, agreed. That's why I don't want to diminish her feelings BC those are valid. But it is painful when you're told you failed as a mother. She on my took this current job BC we started pressuring her to apply for more jobs as we were coming up to a year since graduation and I am tiring if the extended adolescence. She turned down three jobs prior to accepting this one.

I just don't like this victim mentality her therapist seems to feed into.

No parent is perfect but these complaints are silly and her therapist is doing far more harm than good. Its time for her to grow up and start taking responsibility. There is zero excuse for turning down jobs and waiting a year to get one. I would have told her she has 4 months or she gets a store job and starts paying her own car insurance and cell phone to start with as well as health insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of people are like this because they aren’t fulfilled in their real lives. Once my work took off and I had kids, I never had these kids before. I didn’t have time for insane introversion. I am really annoyed by the victim mindset.

I have a sister who says stuff like this and gets it from therapy also. We have a wonderful family and two great parents. Maybe they argued with her over her messy room when she was growing up, but that’s about it. And she was messy. I cleaned and never had those arguments.

Your parents may have treated her very differently and you didn't see it. My parents are like that. But, the nice think about being an adult is taking care of yourself and not having to deal with drama from your parents or sibling.

But, OP is basically getting blamed for daughter when she provided the tools to be successful. She isn't helping herself in any way. She can still pursue art. She can go back to school for art, but she needs a job at this point as well.

[Anonymous]

as soon as she moves out

Sooner the better ... wherever she can support herself. Once she's supporting herself -completely- she will have more grace. With empowerment comes more grace. There are a few years right out of college when some young people (and all are worried they can't make it on their own ...) choose "victim". They decide, this is a way out from being expected to rise to these challenges (of adulthood)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like she should start working on her art in her spare time and put that marketing degree to use for herself and learn how to market her art so it sells.


I'm sure in some ways she is being dramatic and selfish, but there are 2 sides to every story.

Agreed. I did suggest that her marketing background could be a benefit to launching her website. She started to work on it but lost interest. There are always two sides, agreed. That's why I don't want to diminish her feelings BC those are valid. But it is painful when you're told you failed as a mother. She on my took this current job BC we started pressuring her to apply for more jobs as we were coming up to a year since graduation and I am tiring if the extended adolescence. She turned down three jobs prior to accepting this one.

I just don't like this victim mentality her therapist seems to feed into.

Your daughter seems to be delusional and possible at onset of mental illness, her therapist playing hardball with her the way you want her too would not get you the results you think it would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of people are like this because they aren’t fulfilled in their real lives. Once my work took off and I had kids, I never had these kids before. I didn’t have time for insane introversion. I am really annoyed by the victim mindset.

I have a sister who says stuff like this and gets it from therapy also. We have a wonderful family and two great parents. Maybe they argued with her over her messy room when she was growing up, but that’s about it. And she was messy. I cleaned and never had those arguments.

It’s entirely possible that you had very different experiences growing up. Maybe you were the golden child and she was not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like she should start working on her art in her spare time and put that marketing degree to use for herself and learn how to market her art so it sells.


I'm sure in some ways she is being dramatic and selfish, but there are 2 sides to every story.

Agreed. I did suggest that her marketing background could be a benefit to launching her website. She started to work on it but lost interest. There are always two sides, agreed. That's why I don't want to diminish her feelings BC those are valid. But it is painful when you're told you failed as a mother. She on my took this current job BC we started pressuring her to apply for more jobs as we were coming up to a year since graduation and I am tiring if the extended adolescence. She turned down three jobs prior to accepting this one.

I just don't like this victim mentality her therapist seems to feed into.

Your daughter seems to be delusional and possible at onset of mental illness, her therapist playing hardball with her the way you want her too would not get you the results you think it would.

Creativity is not a mental illness per se, although creative people may be more prone to mental illness.

Not sure being hard line/ black and white approach will help much here. As the way more mature grown up, OP needs to help heal the relationship for both of their sakes.

Life will knock a lot of the nonsense out of her. It is good if parents can be a safe place to call home while setting realistic boundaries, which OP is already doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like she should start working on her art in her spare time and put that marketing degree to use for herself and learn how to market her art so it sells.


I'm sure in some ways she is being dramatic and selfish, but there are 2 sides to every story.

Agreed. I did suggest that her marketing background could be a benefit to launching her website. She started to work on it but lost interest. There are always two sides, agreed. That's why I don't want to diminish her feelings BC those are valid. But it is painful when you're told you failed as a mother. She on my took this current job BC we started pressuring her to apply for more jobs as we were coming up to a year since graduation and I am tiring if the extended adolescence. She turned down three jobs prior to accepting this one.

I just don't like this victim mentality her therapist seems to feed into.

Your daughter seems to be delusional and possible at onset of mental illness, her therapist playing hardball with her the way you want her too would not get you the results you think it would.

Creativity is not a mental illness per se, although creative people may be more prone to mental illness.

Not sure being hard line/ black and white approach will help much here. As the way more mature grown up, OP needs to help heal the relationship for both of their sakes.

Life will knock a lot of the nonsense out of her. It is good if parents can be a safe place to call home while setting realistic boundaries, which OP is already doing.

Her creativity isn't the mental illness part, The part where where she thinks she's going to make thousands with what is likely marginal and cliche talent with very little work and research, life will be better in europe, the nwo is coming beliefs, her refusal to work eyc . rtx, many severe mental illnesses start around her age