Could you forgive a one time misstep by your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

Husbands tend to cheat when wife is pregnant. They regress to their insecure teen selves, wonder what life will be like having to be a real man with a real family for the rest of their (possibly miserable) life.

We just pretend we don't see if, and when they confess, we always think it's the first time and will never happen again, because it is much easier and bearable this way.

I pity particularly the second wife (when she's the one he cheated on the first). He will do it again, and again, and again... and the second wife in this case deserves it.

Men will be little boys, who never grow u. My advice: pretend you don't see it, if that's what is best for you and your family. Have your own escapades to compensate for it, if you must.

I think men cheat at this stage from a combination of it's when men are in their prime (early to late 30s), women hit on them a lot and the marital sex life plummets during little babies. Not saying it's right, obviously cheating shouldn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call her and say "DH told me what happened." and then pause and wait for her to talk to see what she says - if she says 'it was a mistake, we just kissed, it only happened once' then you figure out what you need to move on. If she says things that allude to it being a longer term affair or them sleeping together, you have some decisions to make. I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP.

Don’t call her...geez. This sounds so childish. Don.’today drag her into your marital drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

To answer your question, yes I could, but I would need really big reassurances.

Cheating when your wife is pregnant is a phenomenally asinine thing to do. He basically pointed a loaded gun to your family AND he did it at a time when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally. I would not want to waste my time checking his phone and trying to monitor him because honestly who wants to spend their free time that way? That sets up a terrible dynamic that I’d want no part in. What I would need is a postnup that basically gives me everything in the case of divorce. Trust is a two way street. He’s asking for a lot of trust after betraying you, what’s he willing to bring to the table?

Why should you get everything?

It’s not about getting everything. That assumes they get divorced. The postnup is about putting both partners on equal footing in regards to power in the relationship.

He cheated on her. He broke trust in a very big way in the most vulnerable time. He’s asking for trust now so he needs to make a gesture to show her that he trusts her. And stop with the dramatics, nobody is going to be destitute. A postnup in this situation is usually things like she gets to stay in the house and keep all the equity. Things that directly benefit her and the children. He agrees to contribute X amount into 529’s for each child, etc. Her retirement account is exempt from marital assets.

The people suggesting that she waste her life monitoring his phone are idiots. That’s work for her. He screwed up. He needs to do the work and he needs to show her that he’s committed to her abd his children.

Many DHs call the wife’s bluff on this. “If you insist on all that just to stay together, let’s end it now.” That’s especially true if an AP is waiting for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

To answer your question, yes I could, but I would need really big reassurances.

Cheating when your wife is pregnant is a phenomenally asinine thing to do. He basically pointed a loaded gun to your family AND he did it at a time when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally. I would not want to waste my time checking his phone and trying to monitor him because honestly who wants to spend their free time that way? That sets up a terrible dynamic that I’d want no part in. What I would need is a postnup that basically gives me everything in the case of divorce. Trust is a two way street. He’s asking for a lot of trust after betraying you, what’s he willing to bring to the table?

Why should you get everything?

It’s not about getting everything. That assumes they get divorced. The postnup is about putting both partners on equal footing in regards to power in the relationship.

He cheated on her. He broke trust in a very big way in the most vulnerable time. He’s asking for trust now so he needs to make a gesture to show her that he trusts her. And stop with the dramatics, nobody is going to be destitute. A postnup in this situation is usually things like she gets to stay in the house and keep all the equity. Things that directly benefit her and the children. He agrees to contribute X amount into 529’s for each child, etc. Her retirement account is exempt from marital assets.

The people suggesting that she waste her life monitoring his phone are idiots. That’s work for her. He screwed up. He needs to do the work and he needs to show her that he’s committed to her abd his children.

Many DHs call the wife’s bluff on this. “If you insist on all that just to stay together, let’s end it now.” That’s especially true if an AP is waiting for him.

How is that a bad thing? If my H said that, my response would be “k bye”.

[Anonymous]

Well if he was married to her before it's okay. At least according to this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1013250.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

To answer your question, yes I could, but I would need really big reassurances.

Cheating when your wife is pregnant is a phenomenally asinine thing to do. He basically pointed a loaded gun to your family AND he did it at a time when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally. I would not want to waste my time checking his phone and trying to monitor him because honestly who wants to spend their free time that way? That sets up a terrible dynamic that I’d want no part in. What I would need is a postnup that basically gives me everything in the case of divorce. Trust is a two way street. He’s asking for a lot of trust after betraying you, what’s he willing to bring to the table?

Why should you get everything?

It’s not about getting everything. That assumes they get divorced. The postnup is about putting both partners on equal footing in regards to power in the relationship.

He cheated on her. He broke trust in a very big way in the most vulnerable time. He’s asking for trust now so he needs to make a gesture to show her that he trusts her. And stop with the dramatics, nobody is going to be destitute. A postnup in this situation is usually things like she gets to stay in the house and keep all the equity. Things that directly benefit her and the children. He agrees to contribute X amount into 529’s for each child, etc. Her retirement account is exempt from marital assets.

The people suggesting that she waste her life monitoring his phone are idiots. That’s work for her. He screwed up. He needs to do the work and he needs to show her that he’s committed to her abd his children.

Many DHs call the wife’s bluff on this. “If you insist on all that just to stay together, let’s end it now.” That’s especially true if an AP is waiting for him.

How is that a bad thing? If my H said that, my response would be “k bye”.

Ha that was my thought too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

To answer your question, yes I could, but I would need really big reassurances.

Cheating when your wife is pregnant is a phenomenally asinine thing to do. He basically pointed a loaded gun to your family AND he did it at a time when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally. I would not want to waste my time checking his phone and trying to monitor him because honestly who wants to spend their free time that way? That sets up a terrible dynamic that I’d want no part in. What I would need is a postnup that basically gives me everything in the case of divorce. Trust is a two way street. He’s asking for a lot of trust after betraying you, what’s he willing to bring to the table?

Why should you get everything?

It’s not about getting everything. That assumes they get divorced. The postnup is about putting both partners on equal footing in regards to power in the relationship.

He cheated on her. He broke trust in a very big way in the most vulnerable time. He’s asking for trust now so he needs to make a gesture to show her that he trusts her. And stop with the dramatics, nobody is going to be destitute. A postnup in this situation is usually things like she gets to stay in the house and keep all the equity. Things that directly benefit her and the children. He agrees to contribute X amount into 529’s for each child, etc. Her retirement account is exempt from marital assets.

The people suggesting that she waste her life monitoring his phone are idiots. That’s work for her. He screwed up. He needs to do the work and he needs to show her that he’s committed to her abd his children.

Many DHs call the wife’s bluff on this. “If you insist on all that just to stay together, let’s end it now.” That’s especially true if an AP is waiting for him.

How is that a bad thing? If my H said that, my response would be “k bye”.

Ha that was my thought too.

OP is pregnant with her third and wants to stay married.

[Anonymous]

I could forgive this one time. They didn’t have we’d. Move on and focus on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could forgive this one time. They didn’t have we’d. Move on and focus on your kids.

That should read “they didn’t have sex”. He never should have confessed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could forgive this one time. They didn’t have we’d. Move on and focus on your kids.

That should read “they didn’t have sex”. He never should have confessed.

I don't get the confession either

It's selfish to confess. Take it to the grave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could forgive this one time. They didn’t have we’d. Move on and focus on your kids.

That should read “they didn’t have sex”. He never should have confessed.

I don't get the confession either

It's selfish to confess. Take it to the grave

The fact that he confessed means it wasn’t a kiss against a wall before coming to his senses and walking away. They made out. He continued even when he realized he shouldn’t. Then he hated himself the next day and tried to make himself feel better.

[Anonymous]

Yes. And I expect the same forgiveness for my mistakes.

What I hate are repeated mistakes. In my family's case, it's not cheating. But my husband's administrative mistakes have severely impacted our finances, wellbeing and health, and I've lost all respect for him as he continues to struggle with his ADHD behaviors while insisting that he doesn't need treatment.

[Anonymous]

If he told you without you suspecting anything, I would give him another chance.

But go to therapy to help you both process this in as healthy a way as possible. Plus he must pay some price, so it seems costly (that would include the humiliation of the therapist knowing what he did),

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very strange that he told you about it if it were a one time make out thing. Really no reason to confess unless there was someone who saw it and could potentially tell you. Maybe he wants to continue and feels guilty so he decided to confess thinking it will help him to stop? There’s something behind his confession a reason that he is not telling you.

+1

As backwards as it sounds, if this was really a one time thing that didn’t escalate into sex, it’s cruel to tell you about it. Esp considering that you were home, pregnant, with two of his children. That’s so so hurtful. There is no reason to tell you. It brings you so much pain. I see no benefit. For you at least. For him, I’m assuming there was some small benefit? Other people saw it and threatened to tell? The AP got mad?

If there’s a long history with this woman, do you want to know? Will that help or make things worse? There are ways to get more info… but if your goal is to save your marriage, probably best not to dig too deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very strange that he told you about it if it were a one time make out thing. Really no reason to confess unless there was someone who saw it and could potentially tell you. Maybe he wants to continue and feels guilty so he decided to confess thinking it will help him to stop? There’s something behind his confession a reason that he is not telling you.

+1

As backwards as it sounds, if this was really a one time thing that didn’t escalate into sex, it’s cruel to tell you about it. Esp considering that you were home, pregnant, with two of his children. That’s so so hurtful. There is no reason to tell you. It brings you so much pain. I see no benefit. For you at least. For him, I’m assuming there was some small benefit? Other people saw it and threatened to tell? The AP got mad?

If there’s a long history with this woman, do you want to know? Will that help or make things worse? There are ways to get more info… but if your goal is to save your marriage, probably best not to dig too deep.

Yeah...this is what makes me think it was more than making out. A decent guy doesn't decide to torture his pregnant wife and potentially blow up his life because of some tonsil hockey. We're all grown ass adults here. Making out is stupid, but you move the F on from that. Sex? Nah, there's consequences there.

He likely told you to 1. Unburden himself, 2. Hold himself accountable so it won't happen again, or will stop if it's been happening.

This doesn't mean your H is a terrible guy, or a worse guy than most. Because a lot of men do this and they're not all dogs. But most are weak. Sucks but it's true. That pedestal you had your husband on just evaporated.

Sorry OP. Really wishing you the best. You guys can come back from this. Welcome to being the strong one in your marriage. That's most of us.