Could you forgive a one time misstep by your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Cheating is unforgivable. I told DH back when we first started dating, if he wants to cheat just break up with me instead. It’s in our prenup that it’s grounds for divorce.

Why? Adultery is grounds for divorce in every state.

[Anonymous]

I would insist on:an STI test, counselling, no more drinking and a vasectomy ASAP if he wants a chance of the marriage lasting.

Yet, I would still be planning to leave after the baby is 6-8 months old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to think about why I would do this (if I did it). I am not a man but the reason I would do this would be because I was unfulfilled in my marriage and either didn’t love my spouse or was trying to test my own love for my spouse. Hope that is helpful.

You really should have just stopped there, sweet lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

Husbands tend to cheat when wife is pregnant. They regress to their insecure teen selves, wonder what life will be like having to be a real man with a real family for the rest of their (possibly miserable) life.

We just pretend we don't see if, and when they confess, we always think it's the first time and will never happen again, because it is much easier and bearable this way.

I pity particularly the second wife (when she's the one he cheated on the first). He will do it again, and again, and again... and the second wife in this case deserves it.

Men will be little boys, who never grow u. My advice: pretend you don't see it, if that's what is best for you and your family. Have your own escapades to compensate for it, if you must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd forgive it. If that's the worst transgression in a long and otherwise good marriage, you are doing better than most.

OP here. We've been married 7.5 years and dated 4 years before that. He's genuinely a good and honest guy which is why I'm so baffled by this. He's a good husband, the kind that calls when he's on his way home from work, brings me flowers because I like them. I don't have to beg him for help around the house or with the kids. I've always thought of him as my best friend. To the pp who asked, The friends get together ever so often the last time was preCOVID . They decided to meet up again and have a Halloween party. I have gone in the past, but didn't feel like it, but told him to go because it had been a while since he had seen them and I believe we both deserve to have fun.

He's already deleted her from his phone and social media. I have access to those anyway. He's offered to get tested and go to therapy basically anything I want. I do believe he's sorry. I'm just so hurt, and I think more disappointed and shocked than angry, and while I'm not thinking about leaving him over this or anything. I don't think I can forgive him. either.

I think you should try to recover from this infidelity. But it won't be easy, and it will require lots of hard work - especially from your DH. Therapy is a MUST.

There is no reason for you to make a snap decision. You don't think you can forgive him, but that is fresh on the heels of discovery. It takes at least a year to recover, though the fact that he is remorseful and has already gone no contact is promising.

I speak from experience. I was pregnant with my third when my DH got drunk and made out with a friend. He probably would have done more, but she was adamant about not getting involved with a married man. In our case, DH was an alcoholic, and it was this incident, and the fall-out in our marriage, that helped him get sober. He also started therapy with an addiction specialist, as well as our couples therapy. It wasn't a short or easy process, but I have forgiven him and am happy now. Have I forgotten? No, but it doesn't occupy my thoughts much. And our children have grown up in a stable and happy home. They have no idea what happened, nor how close we came to divorce, but both DH and I are grateful that we didn't divorce.

Take good care of yourself. Eat, exercise, sleep. And if you want advice that isn't just "divorce now," check out surviving infidelity.

[Anonymous]

I did excuse one mis-step from my DH before we were married.

Then when the kids were tiny and he was under pressure at work and a monster to live with I almost hoped he'd do it again so we could separate. But he didn't. And he stopped being a monster once work improved.

Now? I think I'd kick him out. It's been about 20 years and sometimes I'm sure it just takes a straw to break the camel's back, as it were.

[Anonymous]

OP - it is facile to think it was just an "oops, sorry - won't happen again!"

[Anonymous]

Call her with his phone and get her side of the story, then go from there.

[Anonymous]

Only if you get a hall pass too. fair is fair.

[Anonymous]

He needs to drop the friend group completely.

He needs to agree to a favorable post nup.

[Anonymous]

I would call her and say "DH told me what happened." and then pause and wait for her to talk to see what she says - if she says 'it was a mistake, we just kissed, it only happened once' then you figure out what you need to move on. If she says things that allude to it being a longer term affair or them sleeping together, you have some decisions to make. I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call her and say "DH told me what happened." and then pause and wait for her to talk to see what she says - if she says 'it was a mistake, we just kissed, it only happened once' then you figure out what you need to move on. If she says things that allude to it being a longer term affair or them sleeping together, you have some decisions to make. I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP.

Don’t call her...geez. This sounds so childish. Don.’today drag her into your marital drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Cheating is unforgivable. I told DH back when we first started dating, if he wants to cheat just break up with me instead. It’s in our prenup that it’s grounds for divorce.

Why? Adultery is grounds for divorce in every state.

No, it is not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need time to decide. But I agree, I would get a post-nup, both bc he needs to have some stake in the outcome as well and understand what he’s facing and bc divorce is usually disadvantageous to women, so take car of yourself. Then I would seek counseling, both individual and couples. He needs to work out why he cheated. You need to figure out whether you want to stay in whatever your marriage becomes; even in the best case scenario it is forever changed. I think in individual therapy you can work through the possibility that he had a full blown affair. Everyone thinks their husband is the nice guy, but it doesn’t matter, he shattered your trust. You don’t need details, but you need to figure out how YOU will move forward and what that looks like. I agree - id you are going to police him the rest of your marriage, it isn’t worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call her and say "DH told me what happened." and then pause and wait for her to talk to see what she says - if she says 'it was a mistake, we just kissed, it only happened once' then you figure out what you need to move on. If she says things that allude to it being a longer term affair or them sleeping together, you have some decisions to make. I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP.

Don’t call her...geez. This sounds so childish. Don.’today drag her into your marital drama.

I don’t know if OP should call her or not. But are you kidding me with “don’t drag her into your marital drama?” There wouldn’t be any drama if DH and his girl “ friend” weren’t such selfish sluts.